I have struggled with feeling worthy nearly my entire life.
I always felt like I had to earn anything that I had. That I had to do something for someone to deserve them doing something nice for me in return. This was especially true for me when it came to relationships. I only deserved love if I was skinny enough, chill enough, hot enough, or smart enough. It all came down to being enough. And I never felt like I was. Like I was worthy of things just because I am. Not because of how I look or what I do.
This took nearly 30 years for me to overcome and, to be honest, I’m still not perfect.
A lot of my ability to overcome this feeling of unworthiness came from the help, guidance, and support of my amazing friend Ryin and her Soul Purpose Program. A good amount of it came from me simply growing up and gaining more experience and self-love, and confidence. But mostly, it’s been because I am finally with someone who reminds me every day that I’m worthy of the love he gives me.
I have always said that to be in a good, healthy relationship, you need to be secure in yourself first. And I still think that’s mostly true. But I also think that was the wrong way to think for most of my life.
When you think that you’re only allowed to have a relationship when you’re the best version of yourself, who is so secure and perfect on their own, it’s once again sending that same message. You have to be enough. But you don’t.
I will never be 100% “cured” of my anxiety or OCD. I will probably always have a tendency to overthink things. I’ll sometimes need some extra validation, and sometimes my life will be messy. And I deserve to be loved just as much with all of that as I do without it.
Having grown up watching Disney movies, I knew I always wanted to be treated well by the man I ended up with. But, sometimes, it was hard for me to believe that I’d find it. I struggled to think I deserved it. But now, I have found it. And it’s incredible to have someone listen to my feelings. Who buys me flowers, helps me when I need support, and tells me I’m beautiful first thing in the morning.
Yes, I’ve been to lots of therapy. I’ve meditated, journaled, done shadow work, and “dated” myself. Of course, that helped me to get to where I am. But finding someone to validate further the feeling of worthiness that I’ve worked to cultivate has made the biggest difference. Not because I need his validation or think my worthiness is contingent upon actually being loved… because it has helped me to embrace even the messy parts of myself. The parts that I tried to hide but now, after my boyfriend moved in after basically three dates, are impossible to. The parts that I now love just as much as the “good” parts of me.
So, yes, working on yourself first is important. But, even if you’re not where you want to be or should be in terms of being your “best self,” you are still worthy of being loved. Wholly, completely, and unconditionally. And I hope that you find that with someone and with yourself.