Chapter 32: One Hit Blunders, Part V – The Joker

Creepy clown makeup not included.

The first guy that I actually went out with after getting back on Tinder and Bumble upon my return to Boston was a guy that I’ve decided to call Clark. 

Clark opened up by asking me something about robbing a bank – I don’t remember exactly what the situation was, but in any case it was a good ice breaker and I thought it was funny and original to start planning a bank robbery (which I’ve never done and will never do), so I went along with it. This is also why I’ve decided to refer to him as “The Joker,” because The Joker from Batman robs banks, plus, this was clearly a joke that we should rob a bank – right?

Clark isn’t really what I usually go for physically, but he was cute and at this time I was just looking to meet new people so I wasn’t being very picky. He was funny, though, and he has a good job and seemed decent so after a bit of back and forth, he asked me out and I said yes. 

We made plans to get drinks at a bar near Quincy Market on a Sunday night, and then about 45 minutes before we were meant to meet he told me he would be running a little bit late. He was having some car issues but he’d let me know when he was leaving. So, at this point I figured it was something fixable but he’d just be late, so I kept getting ready. 

When it was getting closer to our meeting time, though, I texted him again (got to love that Google Voice number) and told him to let me know when he was leaving so I knew when to leave my place. At this time I was completely ready – hair, makeup, all that – since he had never made it sound like the date wouldn’t be happening. Then, a few minutes later after we were scheduled to be meeting, he texted me that he was very sorry but he had to cancel because to fix his car he needed to go get a piece from his mom’s house, and he wanted to get it fixed before he went away at the end of the week.

Honestly I was probably more understanding than I should have been, but he said he was sorry and offered to make it up to me another night that week, but I did think it was a little weird that he didn’t at least offer to get an Uber or something, and that he HAD to fix it at that very moment when he knew I was ready to go. But, because I’m nice I gave him a second chance and we decided to go out to the same bar later that week. 

On the night of our date (for real), I ended up getting there before him, but not having to wait too long. When he showed up he was a bit shorter than I expected, but cute. It was weird because of COVID times we couldn’t hug or anything, so we just kind of walked in and found a table. I got a hard cider, and he got a vodka soda. 

We ended up also ordering an appetizer to split, just some buffalo wings, which were pretty good, and the date itself was decent. Nothing to write home about – I definitely wasn’t feeling a major spark or romantic chemistry or anything –  but he was funny and I was having a good time just being out of my apartment. 

After a bit, though, I could tell that I was ready to go home because it was way past my bedtime and I knew that this wasn’t really going to go anywhere, but it just felt very weird trying to find a way to nicely tell him I was ready to wrap this up and go home. 

Photo by Akshay Anand on

Finally I found a way to get that message across, and this is where the biggest problem with Clark came to be. As I’m sure y’all know by now, I’m old-fashioned and expect to be paid for on a first date. So when the bill came and I did my customary offer of splitting and he said, “Yes,” I was not pleased. But not just because I’m traditional. Because he also said, “Let’s do 50/50,” despite the fact that my hard cider was nearly $4 cheaper than his vodka soda, and he’d had two of them. And the wings we ‘split’? I ate maybe two or three, while he ate more like six or seven. 

And on top of that, he was telling me how his company and industry have been “thriving” during all of this while then listening to me talk about being unemployed and trying to survive off of unemployment. I’m a big believer that if you can’t afford to eat out you shouldn’t eat out, which is why I ordered a cheaper drink so that if he did say we should split it I wasn’t paying for overpriced liquor. He was the one who suggested the appetizer, too, and he ate so much more of it. Plus, the fact that he was basically gloating about now having to experience the stress that millions of people have had to experience lately… it was a major turnoff that essentially, he was letting me pay for him since his drinks were more expensive. 

Also let me just remind you that he basically stood me up just a few nights before, and promised to “make it up to me.” So his idea of making it up to me was letting me pay for part of his vodka and wings on a first date? I just think that’s tacky. 

However, he did offer to walk me home so I was almost willing to give him just ONE more pass. That is, until we started to get close to my place. When I told him I was right across the street so we could part there, and I could clearly see the look on his face that showed he was very much expecting me to invite him up. Even though I really don’t think any of our conversations had been very flirty, and he didn’t even attempt to woo me, so this felt very weird to me. I was very unimpressed with this and even though I lied and said we could hang out again, I knew we would not be. 

When I got back to my apartment, I brushed my teeth and got into bed. A bit later he messaged me that, “I’m cute and we should hang out again soon.” Yes, I am cute, but I just said thanks and good night. And, luckily, I never heard from Clark again.

Chapter 23: One Hit Blunders, Part IV – The Cheapskate and The Funcle

Welcome back to another week of One Hit Blunders! Today, you get to meet two men – one from Boston, The Cheapskate, and one from Florida, The Funcle. Let’s go. 

The last date I went on in Boston before the world shut down was with Charles, I guy that I accidentally matched with when I went back on Hinge for all of about 36 hours way back in February (man, that feels like years ago) and ended up going out with.

Charles is an accountant for something important, I honestly cannot remember, but I do remember that I definitely did not mean to match with him because he didn’t seem like what I was looking for, nor did he really match the physical attributes I usually go for. But, I matched with him nonetheless and I’m too nice to be like, “Whoops sorry meant to swipe left!” so we started talking.

To be totally fair, I wasn’t really interested in ANY of the guys I was matching with because I was already 100% positive that I was already in love with someone else that I’d met just before this, The Rollercoaster. He’s coming up next week, but he lives on the West Coast so to be realistic and not obsess over him too much, I was still exploring other options in Boston just to protect myself. Fair warning before next week’s post, get yourself LOTS of wine. I will absolutely be drinking a very big glass of it while I write next week’s post to get me through it, and I can only imagine how long next week’s post will be — but, I don’t want to give TOO much away. For right now, all you need to know is that I was in love with him and didn’t really want to be going out with The Cheapskate, but my friends convinced me to go out just for kicks and giggles and I figured it couldn’t hurt. Anyway, let’s get back to the story.

So, Charles and I talked for a bit, and he asked for my number. Considering I didn’t even want to match with him, I pulled my classic trick of giving him my Google Voice number, which turned out to be an excellent decision. 

He asked me out to lunch, and since he lives and works near Beacon Hill, which isn’t too far from me, I told him to pick a spot he could get to easily after his morning at work wrapped up. He picked a restaurant that turned out to have some very interesting food, but I went with it. 

The day we met up, I immediately knew I was in for a future dating blog story. He was wearing a very strange trench coat despite the fact that it wasn’t even really that cold at the time, and he seemed very concerned about not letting it touch the floor even for a second. We sat down at the bar, which was at least a kind of good distraction from the fact that he was shorter than I thought (seriously, guys, AGAIN?) and he ordered a beer and asked me what I wanted, and I said I’d get a hard cider since I don’t drink beer.

Apparently, this was offensive to him and I “should have told him before” that I don’t drink beer, which I just rolled my eyes to because it isn’t a big deal to me. The bartender overheard me say this and offered to give me a sample of a beer he thought I’d like, I thanked him and said that would be great, thanks. He went and got me a little glass for the sample and sets it in front of me, and Charles took it and had the first sip, even though it was for me! It was so weird.

The food was awful but the only thing worse was the conversation. Half of me felt like I was in a job interview while the other half of me felt like I was some B-list celebrity being asked weird questions on the red carpet hoping I’d say something scandalous so that the reporter who asked it could feel special. It was weird, he talked an awful lot about himself, and anything that was asked about me immediately got brought back to him. No, thank you.

Even better, I remember that he only ordered an appetizer – that he had to ask the server 50 questions about before he’d agree to order it – and made some really judge-y comments when I ordered a burger and fries. I know I’m not a Victoria’s Secret model, and guess what, I don’t want to be – I love my body. So to any guy who thinks it’s okay to comment on what a girl orders and eats, and actually DOES comment on what she eats, I say this to you from the very bottom of my heart – I hope you remain single forever. No girl deserves to deal with an insecure jerk like that.

But the real kicker was when the bill came. As you know, I always offer to pay my half but never expect to actually do so. Now, keep in mind what I said before – Charles is an accountant for a big company, and he lives on Beacon Hill (which if you don’t know, is one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Boston) in a place where he can park his luxury car easily. So, he is not hurting in the money department. Meanwhile, I’d been telling him about my woes of being unemployed until I started a new job at the end of the month. He didn’t let me pay, but he did tell me I could cover the tip (which was still a considerable amount), and left me with a, “You can pay the next time.” How about no, because there definitely will not be a next time?

I had told him while we were eating that I wanted to go shopping on Beacon Hill at some point soon, and he offered to walk me since he was heading home, but I fibbed and told him that I couldn’t go that day. Instead, I went back towards my place a couple of blocks until I figured he couldn’t see me, hid in a shop for a bit, and then came back out and went shopping.

Later that day, he messaged me about getting together and I pulled my go-to line, trying to be nice but firm. His response was literally just, “Oh come on, I know you’re into me.” I was none too pleased at his attitude so I pretty much just said, “Actually, I’m not. I didn’t enjoy our date at all. Bye.” He tried to respond to that, but I didn’t answer. I blocked him. Just another story for the book… well, blog.

When coronavirus started to get bad, my mom told me she did not want me to be up here in Boston by myself, so she told me to come home to Florida, which I gladly did.

After awhile, my family all made the collective decision that I needed to go on Bumble or something while I was there, if nothing else, to make new friends and just get me out of the house since for most of the five months I was there the two people I hung out with the most were my mom and my three year old niece. So, I went back on Bumble. 

My sister in law had a grand time living vicariously through me, since dating apps didn’t really become a thing until after she met my brother, so she did some swiping for me which led to my parents – mostly my dad – feeling left out. My dad wanted to know how Bumble worked and I said we could mirror my phone to the TV in the living room and he could help me. We were kind of joking, but actually, that’s exactly what we did.

A few nights of quarantine, my parents and I gathered in the living room and I’d set my phone up to display on the TV, and remind them of my rules:

  1. No more than one fish photo.
  2. No more than one mirror selfie.
  3. I don’t play Guess Who – if all of the photos are group shots, it’s a no.
  4. No kids (too complicated). 
  5. Proper use of their/they’re/there and your/you’re. 
  6. Actually has at least something interesting in their bio, and/or at least a question or two answered. 

Really, these are not too crazy of guidelines – yet it was very difficult to find decent matches.

But, I did match with Eddie, who we all liked because he called himself a “funcle” and had some cute pictures with his nieces and nephews. As someone who is also obsessed with their nieces, I figured we’d get along. 

We talked a bit, and then he asked me out and I figured I was being smart about being around people, and I was okay with doing a semi-socially distanced date so long as we were outdoors. We met at a tiki bar, and he got there a few minutes before me which allowed him time to order a drink without me – I don’t know, is that weird that it kind of bothered me? 

He seemed nice enough, but guess what, I had ANOTHER height liar! Maybe I’m just really bad at estimating people’s heights, but he definitely seemed shorter than he said, or he had really bad posture. He also did not look a ton like his photo in general, but I let it slide and decided to try to have fun regardless.

Photo by Lisa Fotios on

I did not have fun. Again, the conversation was lagging, with way too many awkward silences for me to count and a lot of me just staring at my drink hoping that it would magically give me inspiration on literally ANYTHING to talk about that would result in a conversation longer than two minutes long. It failed. I had also told him beforehand not to take it personally if I didn’t hug or anything, I was trying to be safe with corona, and to please respect that but he still hugged me like three times over the course of the night, and it was that awkward thing where I kind of just stood there with my arms at that weird “caught by surprise” angle not knowing what to do. Overall, it was just not a good night and I finally told him I had to be home soon (my brother did give me a curfew, after all) and left.

And I never heard from him again. Another little thing I like is when a guy at least makes sure that I get home safely after a date, but he didn’t even do that. I just never heard from him, which was fine with me. I unmatched with Eddie, and called it another loss but also a gain because at least I got a free drink out of it. Honestly though, I hope that he’s more fun with his nieces and nephews than he was with me. 

And that brings us to the end of another One Hit Blunders! Don’t forget the wine for next week – see you soon!

Chapter 20: One Hit Blunders, Part III – The Unsocial Graduate, The Too-Friendly Ghost, and The Implication

Guess what’s back, back again? One Hit Blunders, Part Three! And in honor of it being the third in this series, today, you get three stories instead of two.

Parth, or as I call him, The Unsocial Graduate, was another guy that I matched with on Hinge or Bumble, I can’t remember, around January of 2019 when things were starting to fizzle with Al (before I knew he was both a cheater and a heartless human). He was also in grad school at Northeastern, so we were able to talk about our experiences from our first semester, and I was giving him some tips on Boston since he was still fairly new to the area. 

We had plans to go out, but then, a couple of days before the weekend we had plans, my sister-in-law went into labor with my youngest niece late at night so I ended up flying home first thing Friday morning so I could meet her. Parth was very understanding, but then he asked me for photos of my niece and I had to change the subject because it is absolutely not my place to share photos of my nieces when I’m not their parent – especially not to someone I haven’t even met yet. I told him I’d show him a picture when we met up (I didn’t). But, we talked throughout the weekend and decided to go out the following week when I got back.

We went to The Cheesecake Factory (who doesn’t love that bread, right?) and almost immediately, I knew I was in for an awkward meal. He literally did not know how to carry a conversation — at ALL. He’d ask me a question, I’d answer, and then he’d just stare at me. Meanwhile I’m just eating my cheeseburger all self-consciously (at least he didn’t make me share my fries) and trying to think of what to say next. If I’m at a loss for words, you know it’s bad. 

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on

We had virtually nothing in common, the conversation did not flow, and it was just weird all around. Plus, he seemed to seriously lack common social skills especially in regards to how to conduct oneself in a restaurant. But hey, I got a free meal out of it (even though I ended up sneaking and slipping some extra cash on the table when I saw he left virtually no tip – which is one of my biggest pet peeves/dating deal-breakers). I can’t remember if we both got cheesecake to go, or if I just walked like I was heading to the T station in the Prudential and then turned around and got it myself, but either way, I definitely know I got cheesecake to eat when I got home as a reward for surviving the date. 

But if you’ve been reading my blog up to this point, you know that since it’s me, it can’t end there, can it? Nope. Parth texted me after and asked me out for a second date, and I gave him my classic ‘No, but thanks,’ line of, “You seem like a great guy, but I just didn’t feel the spark I’m looking for. Best of luck!” I could tell he was pissed about it, but he brushed it off for the moment. 

Then, barely a week later I get another text from him saying that he wants to go out on another date and “try again” so that he can see how he feels. I told him that’s not how it works, and again, no, I was not interested. He tried AGAIN, but kept just talking about himself and what he wanted to figure out. At that point, I threw the niceties out the window and told him straight up, “You are not respecting my opinion and feelings. I said no, I’m not interested, you need to listen to me because it’s not just about you and what YOU want.” That got him off of my back, so after that, I just spent the rest of my time in grad school making sure to avoid any areas that I might run into The Unsocial Graduate. 

Michael, or as I like to call him, The Too-Friendly Ghost, was another of my “Almost done with Al so I’m on Hinge” matches, and he seemed like the nicest guy in the world. He was so, so sweet. Almost too sweet, really. I don’t even know how long we talked before he finally asked me out, but I know it was a very long time and much longer than I’m used to waiting.

But, when I told him I had to go away for the weekend for an emergency, he could not have been more understanding and sympathetic. I ended up telling him afterwards what had happened (this was when my grandma passed away) and he was so nice about it and told me to take as much time as I needed before I was ready to go on a date or anything. 

Photo by Ryan Miguel Capili on

Finally, we scheduled a date and he was so nervous about picking a good place. We both like Italian food, so we decided to meet in the North End and pick a place when we got there. Then he said he’d feel better if I just picked a place so he knew I liked where we went, so I did. We met there and stood and looked at the menu on the window for 10 minutes with me convincing him that yes, this was totally fine, I was happy eating anywhere, I promised!

We did have a few things in common, and the conversation went at least a bit better than it had with Parth and some of the other guys I’ve experienced in the past. But at the same time, I felt like he was a bit too agreeable and just going along with whatever I said because he wanted to make sure I was happy. Which, again, is sweet, but also not really what I’m looking for. I definitely need someone who isn’t afraid to challenge me. 

Michael seemed very close with his family, though, which is very important to me, and I liked that he remembered the things I’d told him over text and asked me interesting questions about myself. He also immediately offered to pay. Overall, I had a pretty decent time and chalked up his need to please me to nerves or anxiety, so as we said goodbye I figured that maybe I’d give him one more chance.

Except, I never heard from him again. He straight up ghosted me after that. I’m assuming he wasn’t feeling it or knew that I wasn’t 100% on board, or he was intimidated, or something, and did not know how to handle it without abandoning the “way too nice” impression that I had of him, so instead, I just never heard from him again. After that, I realized that Michael could seriously give Casper a run for his money on which of them is the friendliest ghost. 

This is actually one of my favorite stories to share. I matched with this guy on Hinge, he was French (I’m not sure why, but French guys LOVE me – I’m not complaining) so I’ll call him Marius because I’m in a Les Mis mood right now. He seemed very successful – good job, dressed nicely, well-spoken, and I was very into that.

We talked a lot, and he was saying to me that he was hoping to find someone that he could more or less spoil – buy nice clothes, take to France for vacations and stay in his nice place there, etc. No, this was not a sugar baby situation, because he was just a little bit older than me and he wanted to actually date, too, but I’m not going to be upset about a guy who wants to treat me like a princess (especially not a French one) so I supported this dream of his. 

Photo by sergio souza on

Finally, we started to make plans to meet. First, we thought about grabbing dinner somewhere on the water, but then, he said that he wanted to do something even more special – he wanted to take me out that weekend on his boat. He said he’d bring a bottle of wine, we’d go whale watching, cruise around, and grab dinner when we got back. 

I remember he texted me this on my way to work, and all I was thinking was, “No fucking way am I getting on a boat with someone that I haven’t even met yet!” So when I got to work, I told my coworkers (who were all male, by the way) that this guy I’d been talking to but hadn’t met yet wanted to take me out on his boat that weekend for our first date. They thought this was great! It sounded fun, cool, romantic, and they were telling me to have fun. But I had to explain to them that, no, this was NOT a good idea because once I was out in the middle of the water with a stranger, I had no clue what was going to happen. This sounded like a Lifetime movie where I was going to be the young girl who gets murdered by some crazy con man and then sends their mother into some crazy quest for vengeance. 

This is when one of my coworkers asked me if I watched the show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” I said no, I hadn’t. He sent me the link to a scene from the show called “the implication.” Here’s the link if you haven’t seen it yourself, come back when you’re done watching.

Back? So, now you know why I call him “The Implication.” I texted him that a boat cruise sounded cool, but it wasn’t something I wanted to do before we met, he said okay, and then he went back to France for a trip and we never really spoke again. And that was the end of him. 

So that, my friends, brings us to the end of Part Three of my One Hit Blunders. But don’t worry – there’s more to come! In the meantime, share your worst first date stories with me in the comments below – I want to read them!

See you next week for another story!

Chapter 17: One Hit Blunders, Part II – The Italian Stallion and The Smoker

Welcome back to One Hit Blunders. Part II brings us to two gentlemen, The Italian Stallion and The Smoker. 

For our first story, let’s take it back to when I was still living in Orlando, around the beginning of 2018 – so, not too long before I left, but at a time when I was still kind of hoping for something, or someone, to give me a reason to stay. Which is when I met Mario, or as my friend Charlotte dubbed him, The Italian Stallion.

Mario and I matched on Tinder, and if you couldn’t tell by the name, he’s Italian. If you didn’t guess by now, I very rarely date/go after Caucasian American men for some reason. In high school, I very much went for the blonde, Abercrombie model ‘lax bro’ types, and then suddenly in college I realized that actually, I didn’t really like those kinds of guys. That’s what my friends liked, and I went along with it because it was the style back in the day. But, really, I was into dark hair, accents, and dad bods. But I digress.

So, Mario was Italian, and his pictures made him look decently tall, he had a nice smile, and overall, seemed nice. He also worked at Disney, so we had that in common, and his broken English was kind of adorable. We made plans to go out, with him inviting me to go get pizza at MidiCi because he loved it. I thought it was kind of stereotypical to go get pizza with an Italian guy, but I love pizza, and I’m not picky, so I went with it. 

We met up after talking for a few days, and honestly I was pretty excited to meet! But guess what? I had yet another height liar. Whoever Mario had to take his photos did a great job with angles because he looked about 6” taller than he actually is. He also managed to hide the fact that he was severely balding despite only being barely 30 years old. Again, not deal breakers but just be honest! 

I’m in a serious relationship with pizza.
Photo by Vincent Rivaud on

The meal itself was okay, but he spent most of it talking about how he called his family still in Italy multiple times a day. Kind of cute, but also kind of not, in my opinion. Mario just seemed like way more of a mama’s boy than I was prepared to take on. The pizza was good, though. After we ate, we walked around the shopping center for a bit and ended up getting Starbucks tea (after he told me he doesn’t like their coffee) and then it was time for me to head home. On the way back to my car, though, I saw his car… well, van. He had some sort of large white van that he bought so that he could fit his whole family in it if/when they came to visit. I’m not really into materialistic things, but a large white van is not exactly a chick magnet.

After that date not really emitting the spark I was looking for, I figured we’d just slowly drift apart, but he, apparently, did not. He kept trying to see me, and I was trying so hard to be nice about it. One day, I decided to go to Epcot with two of my coworkers, Charlotte and Bianca, after work and I was telling them that Mario worked there. I made the mistake of telling Mario that I’d be in the park, and he literally sat and waited 20 minutes after getting out of work for me to get to where he was, just to say hi. Meanwhile, Charlotte and Bianca were on my phone scrolling and swiping through Tinder to live vicariously through me. It was when they eventually met him that afternoon that Charlotte dubbed him The Italian Stallion (it was an ironic nickname, obviously). 

What makes all of this even MORE hilarious is that eventually, Mario and I drifted apart and he didn’t text me so much anymore, and then, I found out that Charlotte’s little sister, who worked in Epcot, was telling her that one of the guys she worked with was basically in love with her, asking her to move to Italy with him, or saying he’d stay here for her, and Charlotte figured out that it was Mario. So, sorry for her sister that she became the new object of his affection for a while, but it worked out for me. 

The second part of this chapter, The Smoker, is a pretty short story, to be honest. Dev was another guy that I matched with on Hinge and overall, he seemed really cool so we set up plans for a date. He brought me flowers, which was pretty adorable, and then we went to Kings to play pool and have something to eat. 

But he kept commenting on how bad I was at pool even after I had disclosed this information several times. He also drank a bit more than I would drink on a first date, personally. Then, we went to the dining portion of it and he made another comment on the fact that I ordered a burger, and because of that, he made the executive decision after I placed my order that we’d just share my fries. Um, I did not agree to that? It felt weird and like it was his way of showing his disapproval of my weight or body type, or the fact that I, you know, eat? He also clearly doesn’t know that this girl right here does NOT share her fries with just anyone. That’s something for my inner circle only.

Photo by Pixabay on

The conversation was lacking, but for whatever reason I agreed to go ahead and take a bit of a walk with him afterwards. On the walk, he asked me if it was okay if he smoked, I answered honestly, no. That didn’t sit well with him apparently because he was pretty cold towards me the rest of the night. Dev also took this time to start talking about how great it was when he sometimes couldn’t sleep and would go for walks late at night, and then chastised me when I said I didn’t before going on a tangent about how great it is and how I should do it, before I finally reminded him that, you know, I’m a girl so me walking around the city by myself in the middle of the night just sounds like the start of an SVU episode. 

Finally, I decided to call it a night and ordered an Uber to pick me up a couple of blocks away. He waited with me, and lit up a cigarette literally the second I got in the car. He did text me later to ask me out again, and I said thanks but no thanks, and he was very gracious about it, but ultimately smoking is a huge deal breaker for me, as are comments about what I eat. 

So, that brings us to the conclusion of Part II of One Hit Blunders. Stay tuned to see what comes up next!

Chapter 14: One Hit Blunders, Part I – The Semi-Date and The Dollar Man

Welcome to part one of a series I’m going to be adding to this, all about the first and only dates I’ve had with a handful or so of guys who otherwise didn’t really have a huge role in my life or provide much of anything important – besides giving me some great material over the course of one date. 

Shout out to my mom for giving me the title idea for this series, which she originally called “One Hit Wonders,” but since I can’t exactly say that all of these guys were, in fact, particularly wonderful, I decided to change “wonder” to “blunder,” because really, that just felt more appropriate. 

First up, we have The Semi Date, Roman, and The Dollar Man, Rodrigo.

My Sophomore year of college, my sorority’s semi-formal was coming up (hey there, Alpha Epsilon Phi). I wasn’t dating anyone (big surprise), so I figured I could either get set up by a girl or guy friend, which a lot of my sisters did, or I could invite a guy friend. I chose the latter, inviting a friend of mine, Dallas, who was in a fraternity we were close with to come with me, and he accepted. Super random side note, but I remember that because I’d just gone ahead and paid for his ticket he brought me a bottle of Hypnotiq for the pre-game at my friend’s place, and I thought I was super cool drinking a teeny-tiny bit of this electric blue concoction, which should say a lot about how I was at 19, but I digress.  

We got to our semi-formal, which was at a hotel, and Dallas and I had a good time together, but as the night progressed I started to become ever so slightly suspicious that he had a different idea of how the night would end than I did. Which is where Roman comes in. 

Roman was in a different fraternity, and had been brought by one of my good friends, Courtney, after being set up by a mutual friend. I hung out with her for part of the night and started talking to him as well, and developed a bit of a crush. This ended up helping me avoid a potentially awkward conversation with Dallas when it was time to leave, and the night ended on a good note with him, and we remained friendly throughout college.

My sorority’s mascot is the giraffe, that’s all
I could find a photo of!
Photo by Frans Van Heerden on

Long story short, I knew I had a thing for Roman, but obviously, girl code exists so before making a move, I asked Courtney if she was okay with it and she said yes, of course, (their ‘date’ wasn’t anything serious). So I added him on Facebook, sent him a message making up some ridiculous reason for why he needed to text me, gave him my number, got him to text me, we talked for a bit, and then after a little while, I more or less forced him to ask me out, which he eventually did. 

He asked me what I wanted to eat if we went to a restaurant, and I said anything but Thai food. We got Thai food. (I told him it was okay once he suggested it, really, I can find something anywhere, plus, he paid). Then, he walked me back to my dorm and was CLEARLY waiting for the invite up, which I could tell, and after about three seconds of nearly letting temptation give in, I was pretty much just like, “Okay cool, had a great time, thanks, bye!” And ran upstairs. 

Obviously, things didn’t go further from there. I did text him a couple of times after but we never met up, though I did run into him on the street once years later and it was very awko-taco. To be fair, I myself was often confused by how incredibly forward I was considering my complete and total lack of sexual prowess at the time, so I probably gave him some insanely mixed signals, and considering he was a college-aged frat guy, I get it. So, no hard feelings, just some free Thai food and a funny story about hijacking my friend’s semi-date.

Next up is The Dollar Man – you’ll see why I call him this pretty soon. This was back in the summer of 2016, when I’d just moved back to Orlando, so excited to be closer to Christian again, just to have him give me a three-month long silent treatment because I (rightfully) got mad at him and called him out for something. But, I was about to start a new job and make new friends, plus I had really cool strawberry blonde hair at the time, so, I was determined to make the most of the summer.

I matched with Rodrigo on Tinder. He was from Portugal which I thought was pretty cool (me and my love of foreign men never gets old), and we talked pretty often for a couple of weeks. Finally, I asked him if he was going to ask me out one of these days (are you noticing a trend with me?) and he did, finally asking me to go to Kobe’s – which, if you don’t know, is a Japanese steakhouse – that weekend. I accepted because who doesn’t love some good hibachi? 

When we got there, I was immediately a bit perturbed because, again, here was someone who’d clearly fudged on his height a bit. I had asked him how tall he was over Tinder, just out of curiosity to know if I could wear heels or not, and he told me in centimeters, which I converted to be about 5’10” or so. He was about 5’7”, maybe 8”. Again, I don’t care about height, but I DO care when you lie about something that’s going to be blatantly obvious when we meet. 

He was also SUPER nervous the whole time. He was clearly intimidated by me, which was kind of cute at first, but as the night went on it just got annoying. We ended up going on a walk after dinner because we were so full, and the whole time he was so jittery talking to me I kept thinking, “Holy crap, if we get jumped right now am I going to have to be the one to beat the person up?” 

Can you pay my bills?
Photo by Burst on

But really, the biggest problem with Rodrigo came when we got the bill. I always, always, always offer to split the check on the first date (and all dates, really), and when I did, he declined, and I said thank you. Usually, that’s it. But not with him. After he paid, he went on a very long tangent thanking me for offering to pay, because usually girls don’t, and it’s so rude when they don’t, because why do women think that the dollars they earn are more valuable than the ones that a man earns, so it’s up to the guy to always pay? He even told me that one time he nearly left a girl stranded on a date because she hadn’t offered to pay! He went on about this for way too long to the point that I felt very uncomfortable, almost wanting to just take back the bill and pay for myself and split. 

I get a guy being appreciative of a girl offering to split the bill, but he didn’t have to bash all the girls who didn’t. I might get flack for this, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being old-fashioned and traditional and expecting the man to pay for the first date. After that, you can split or take turns, sure, but everyone was raised differently and might have different ideas with that. Ultimately, if that’s a problem for you, tell the person what works for you – don’t hold it in and then talk smack about them on a date with a different person. 

So, again, Rodrigo was a bust. I remember I even gave him my leftovers because I was going away the next day and didn’t want to waste them, which is kind of funny when you think about it. Overall, he seemed pretty nice but ultimately I was turned off by the height lie, clear intimidation, and monologue about the value of a dollar and didn’t pursue anything further.

And that, my friends, is part one of One Hit Blunders. Stay tuned for next week, when your regularly scheduled blogging will return (get excited for The Stalker!), but don’t worry, more One Hit Blunders are on their way.