Chapter 42: One Hit Blunders, Part VII

If you had asked me a few months ago if I thought I’d end up with this many One Hit Blunders chapters, I’d have said no. But, here we are. 

The weather has been getting nicer and people are getting vaccinated. So that means that I’ve been more actively pursuing dates with some of my recent matches. Unfortunately, neither of them was my dream man, but oh well. Practice makes perfect. Let’s get into it. This week, let’s meet Fernando, The Chef, and Zane, The Protector.

Fernando and I matched on Tinder, and he seemed pretty nice right off the bat. He’s from South America originally but mostly grew up in North Carolina. So we had our home state in common, and it made for good conversation. He’s a chef and actually has a pretty cool job. Like a lot of people, he’d just moved to Boston when COVID happened, so he was eager to meet up. He hadn’t really had a chance to explore Boston yet, and now he could.

I appreciated this because, lately, I’ve really just gotten pen pals out my matches. I was trying to actually meet some of these guys and not just chat forever. So, we made plans to meet up one night after work. 

It was perfect because he works not too far from where I live. We found each other, and set off on our date. We started at a bar not too far from us just. to break the ice. This place Is known for having some pretty cool cocktails, and neither of us had been. The drinks were really good and I enjoyed talking to him. Did I feel major sparks? No. Did he lie about his height? Yes. But still, he seemed like someone I could see myself being friends with. That’s better than nothing, so I was going with it. He paid for my drinks and the appetizer we split, so he also got points for that. We talked about Spain, our families, interests, all that good stuff, and overall, I was enjoying myself.

On our walk from there to another bar in the North End, he asked if he could hold my hand. I have mixed feelings on when guys ask me before doing things like this. Part of me appreciates that he’s into consent, the other part of me doesn’t know what to do. Especially because it makes it weird if/when I say no. I think it’s also probably that little bit of me that likes to think I’m SO irresistible that he can’t help but just hold my hand without asking. But, if I didn’t like him at all and he grabbed my hand, I’d be pissed (see The Creepy Catfish). What I’m really saying here is that unless I’m very into you, and you’re very into me, there’s no winning in this situation. Just take my hand. I’ll pretend to have an itch if I’m not feeling it. 

In any case, we got to the next bar and we continued our conversation. I honestly don’t remember everything that we talked about, but it was nice. I think a lot of it was just being SO happy to get out of my apartment. But also, I wasn’t getting any major creepy vibes and up until that point, he at least seemed to have some social awareness, good manners, and could hold a conversation. That’s where the bar is, y’all. 

At the next restaurant, we continued our conversation and had a drink. At this point, I was starting to get kind of hungry. This meant that the alcohol was also hitting me a little harder (and I’m already a lightweight). So, I suggested getting something to eat. Where we were, the food was a bit pricey and I didn’t really see anything I was dying for, so I thought maybe we could get a slice of pizza from a place down the street that sold slices. Fernando agreed. 

We began walking to get pizza or find somewhere else to eat, but first Fernando had to up the “can I hold your hand?” to a, “can I kiss you?” Again, DON’T ask me. I didn’t know what to say, plus I was hungry. This time, though, I told him that I don’t really like it when guys ask me… but in any case, we kissed. I was half-vaccinated, it’s fine. The kiss was just okay. Apparently, he thought it was great, though. When I said again that I was hungry he said that maybe we could grab a bottle of wine at the store and go to my place. I figured I’d just take him to the rooftop, have some pizza and wine, and then I’d say I was tired and send him on his way. But Fernando had a different idea. 

He immediately started walking towards the grocery store, completely skipping the pizza part. We got there, and I just didn’t have a good vibe anymore. I’d said multiple times at this point that I was hungry and needed to eat something before I drank anymore. So I went to the bathroom and at that point, I got really tired. When I came back out, I told him I wanted to go home. Without him. He definitely seemed disappointed but ultimately relented.

Then came the real “red flag” for me. As you can probably tell by now, I cannot stand extreme insecurity. It’s not even that, really, it’s the “pick me” vibe that some guys give off in moments of insecurity. He basically grilled me the whole way out of the store about why I didn’t want to hang out with him, what he did wrong, was I attracted to him, did I like him, yada yada. It was a huge turnoff. I actually would’ve maybe given him a second chance (without alcohol) until that point. 

Finally, I escaped and went home. He did text me again that night asking if I was interested in him or not. I just wanted to eat a peanut butter sandwich and go to bed. The next day, I texted him and told him that I’d been enjoying myself but it was kind of weird that his response to me saying I needed to eat something was to get more wine and then go somewhere isolated when I was kind of tipsy. I also said that after only one date, I don’t really expect to give or get a full report if someone isn’t feeling it and calls it a night. 

I will give him credit that he actually took it pretty well and didn’t argue. He actually even gave a pretty genuine apology. I wasn’t really upset, more annoyed, and I figured there are other fish in the sea. We did have the “we can be friends” talk but I wasn’t very confident that would happen. We talked one more time after that, but then just left it afterward. I was kind of disappointed that I didn’t get a good homecooked meal out of it, but oh well. So, Fernando the Chef is out. 

Update: I finished writing this section on a Monday night, and Tuesday morning I woke up to a text from Fernando. He is NOT the guy I’ve been trying to manifest so I’m not sure what’s going on here, but he did ask me out again (on a full stomach). So, stay tuned for a potential part two. 

Like I said, as the city started to reopen, it got easier to find people who weren’t terrified to meet in person. So, when I matched with Zane and he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk that weekend I said yes. 

I will give Zane props because he was one of the few guys I’ve been out with that was actually honest about his height. He own the fact that he isn’t 6 foot. But to be totally honest, this date was not the most memorable. I do remember feeling bad because he dressed up way more than I did. Did I feel bad for dressing so casually? Yes, but also no. I mean, it was hot and we were going for a walk and he was wearing dress pants and a long-sleeved shirt.

Zane was nice, but the biggest issue with him was that he was SO protective. He is from another country that’s a bit more patriarchal than I’m used to, so I definitely understand why, but every time we crossed the street he’d put his arm in front of me or try to grab my hand. Sweet intention, but kind of made me feel like a child. Even just the way that he talked about women and everything. It seemed like he is more into the “a woman needs to be taken care of” mentality than I am.

At one point, we got talking about some of the crazy people we’ve been out on dates with and he started talking about a girl who was covered in tattoos. *Allegedly* she was also a bit crazy in some ways, but from what I gathered, it was just crazy that she had a lot of tattoos. I have six tattoos. So, it just didn’t really seem to be a good match. 

We did get dinner but because of the wait times, ended up just ordering it to go and then sitting outside and eating it. This is where it gets interesting. Well, actually, first of all, this man is THE slowest eater I have ever encountered. I’m kind of a fast eater, granted, so everyone is a slow eater to me. But wow, did he take the cake. It was also just kind of weird anyway because it wasn’t even dinner time. It was like 4:00 at this point and had said I wasn’t even hungry. I ended up ordering an appetizer and bringing half home for later. Meanwhile, he ordered like a full-on entree and then proceeded to take 45 minutes to eat it. 

But that’s not what made it interesting. So, quick backtrack. A few months ago, I matched with this guy on Bumble that I’ll call Nate. He was very attractive, seemed smart, a Gemini, and we had a lot in common. Had a good head on his shoulders, a bit older (like 35), and overall, seemed to be more mature and all that. We hit it off really quickly and for a few weeks, he was SO into me. Texting me every morning, remembering details, the works.

But, like so many men on dating apps, he never wanted to meet up. I even made the first move and tried to make plans with him at one point but he was too busy with work. After a bit of dealing with the confusion of his sudden disinterest, I moved on and did my own thing. However, we still followed each other on social media. One night in Arizona, when I had a particularly strong drink, I did ask him why he never made any efforts to actually meet and he said he’d just been busy (mmhmm), but after that I just let it go.

Which is why it was HILARIOUS to me when I stood up from the bench that Zane and I were sitting at to eat and began to turn and continue our walk, when who do I see on the bench right behind me? Nate. With another girl. 

I was mostly just thrilled that I happened to look particularly good that day. I smiled, he recognized me, I said hi, and then strolled away. But honestly, this is how I know I’m the main character because of course something like that would happen to me. Especially because if I’m being totally honest, Zane and Nate do have similar features so it must have been pretty clear to him that I sort of have a type. I texted Nate the next day and make a joke out of it but he didn’t seem to be as amused.

The only other thing that I remember about this date is that he made me rap for him when it slipped that I knew one (and only one) rap song. He literally stopped and sat down and made me do it. Oh, and he also asked to hold my hand. I said no and told him that I’m not particularly affectionate or into PDA (not true, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings). He still did the mom-arm as we crossed streets, though.

When we parted ways, I knew that would be our one and only date. He did ask me out again, but I just used my go-to line about not feeling the spark and wishing him the best. He took it pretty well, and that was that. 

So, that brings me to the end of another One Hit Blunders chapter. I’ll update you if anything happens with The Chef on a potential second date. Until next time! 

Chapter 37: One Hit Blunders, Part VI – The Russian

When I got back to Boston after the holidays, I was eager to get back into the dating world. Like I said in my Q&A last week, lately I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself. After taking lots of “me-time,” I finally feel ready for a real relationship. I just need to meet someone that I want to have a relationship with. With Boston still in the not-fun stages of lockdown, it’s basically out of the question to go out and meet someone the natural way. Which means most of my searching has been on the apps that I live to hate. This is how I met Anton. 

Anton and I matched on Tinder. He looked very tall, has a good job, and is a bit older (I think 34 or 35). Overall , he seemed nice. We started talking and he got kind of flirty pretty quickly. Not in a sexual way, just in an overuse of emojis way. But when I found out he was Russian that somehow explained it. Maybe this is just my own experience with Russians/Eastern Europeans, but I feel like they’ve all been really into emojis. Like, sending me the kissy-face with the heart one right off that bat. Kind of weird, but not a deal-breaker. 

I liked that he seemed very interested in me. He was eager to learn more about me, and he’s smart. So when he asked for my number I came *this* close to giving him my real one. But at the last minute, I decided to stick with the Google Voice one. When I sent to save his number, I realized apparently I’ve matched with too many guys with his name. I ended up having to clarify that he was “the Russian one.” And yes, I save numbers (most of the time). I’m bad with names and if I do end up going out with them, I need to remember who I need to look for. 

We texted back and forth a bit, he kept up with the emojis, but overall no bright red flags. I thought it was funny because I asked what kind of music he liked. He said since he grew up during the 90s he was a big fan of bands like Nirvana. I’m always fascinated by people who grew up in other countries identifying their childhood with American bands. So I agreed to meet him for a date. Nothing crazy, just a coffee date. But, I hadn’t been on a date in awhile so I dressed pretty cute just because I felt like it. It was mostly for myself, though.

We met up at Haymarket, which isn’t too far from my place. Almost immediately, I knew he was not going to be the one for me. I don’t know why, I just had a feeling. I have very strong gut reactions that are usually pretty good at telling me if I’m going to have good chemistry with someone or not. And I was pretty positive I was not going to have it with him. I was right.

First of all, while Anton’s profile pictures were correct in depicting his height, as soon as we were able to take our masks off I realized that I had overlooked one of my biggest rules. Usually on dating apps, I take notice if a guy only has closed-lip smiles. It usually says something about their teeth and smile. I had forgotten to take that into account on Anton’s profile. 

Listen, I understand not everyone likes the dentist. Maybe growing up he didn’t have access to a good one, but I feel like if you live in a city that’s known for its healthcare, you have a good job where you can definitely afford it, and are trying to meet someone, and you still haven’t done anything to just show a bit of an investment in yourself, it’s a bit of a warning. I mean, if you aren’t going to show that you’re willing to practice good hygiene and that you can take care of yourself on a part of you that people see nearly every day (at least pre-mask days), what else are you slacking on?

And to be clear, this wasn’t an, “Oh, he has coffee stains,” or “Could maybe use braces” issue. This was like, ‘needs braces and perhaps other orthodontic work, has probably never had a dental cleaning, and I’m questioning if he even brushes his teeth’ situation. Maybe that isn’t a deal-breaker to most people, but I take pride in the fact that my dentist compliments me every six months. Plus, my smile is one of the things I get the most compliments on. I’m not saying I need a guy to have Julia Roberts-level teeth, but a good smile is important to me.

But that wasn’t even the worst of it. We had agreed to get coffee, so I went there preparing to get coffee. It was about 11:00, so I’d already had breakfast. But then he told me he was hungry. Which, fine, go ahead and get something to eat. But we didn’t even get coffee yet. Instead, I’m walking around with him while he tries to decide what to get to eat. What he finally decided on, I don’t think I’ll ever understand.

Y’all. He went to one of the seafood booths. I like seafood, but not at 11 AM on a date. And he got, I kid you not, a whitefish sandwich with onions on an everything bagel .

I feel like if I made a list of foods you shouldn’t eat on a date, I would put all three of those things at the top. Fish. Onions. Everything bagel? I love a good everything bagel but not on a date! Who does that? I was probably more flabbergasted by his choice of food than I should be, but I was just very confused by this decision.

But then, because Anton decided to get food, we couldn’t just walk around. We had to wear masks inside the market but I figured once we got the coffee we could walk around the area outside and stay under the awnings. Since he wanted to eat, though, we had to go outside and sit in the rain. First he got all annoyed that the tables were wet. Like yes, that is usually what happens when it’s raining, things get wet.

I was able to pull my jacket down to sit at least. We wouldn’t have even needed to sit if he hadn’t thrown off the plans by getting food to eat there instead of just to go. I’d grabbed a pack of veggies to take home, but that was it I wasn’t planning on eating there because it had always just been coffee, and then I was sitting there watching him eat fish and onions at a wet table. 

While he ate, we talked a bit more and it was extremely apparent that we have virtually nothing in common. I sat there staring into the distance begging myself to think of something to talk about on more than one occasion. During one of our silences, I decided to ask if he had any pets and if he liked animals. Specifically, dogs, and he said no! He said he used to be afraid of them but isn’t anymore, but that he doesn’t really like dogs or get why people love them! At that I should have just stood up and left because it’s just not going to work out with me and a dog-hater. Ever. 

When he finally finished eating, he said he had to get home to go back to work but that he’d walk me back to my place. That wasn’t necessary but he insisted. So while we had more awkward forced conversation on the walk, I decided to pull a move my friend Jessica taught me. I lied about which building was mine. I walked him to another apartment building near mine and said it was mine. When I realized I wouldn’t be able to get into the building because I didn’t have a key, I *suddenly remembered* that I had a prescription to pick up at the drugstore around the corner. So I ran off to aimlessly wander the store while he called an Uber from outside my fake-apartment building.

He had given me a hug before we left and said we should hang out again and I gave one of those non-committal “sure” responses. But Anton never texted me. I unmatched him on Tinder. I think it’s a testament to how absolutely awful I am at hiding my feelings because that’s not the first time a guy has done that – ended the date with a tentative next date and then upon seeing and hearing my reaction to that possibility, never followed up. It’s kind of nice, though. I don’t have to turn them down and feel bad for rejecting them. 

So that was the end of the story with The Russian. You know, I’ve always thought I was going to marry someone from another country because I like accents and foreign guys and all that, but the more experience I have with them the more I feel like maybe I really should stick with American boys. At least they probably wouldn’t eat fish and onion sandwiches on a first date.

Chapter 32: One Hit Blunders, Part V – The Joker

Creepy clown makeup not included.

The first guy that I actually went out with after getting back on Tinder and Bumble upon my return to Boston was a guy that I’ve decided to call Clark. 

Clark opened up by asking me something about robbing a bank – I don’t remember exactly what the situation was, but in any case it was a good ice breaker and I thought it was funny and original to start planning a bank robbery (which I’ve never done and will never do), so I went along with it. This is also why I’ve decided to refer to him as “The Joker,” because The Joker from Batman robs banks, plus, this was clearly a joke that we should rob a bank – right?

Clark isn’t really what I usually go for physically, but he was cute and at this time I was just looking to meet new people so I wasn’t being very picky. He was funny, though, and he has a good job and seemed decent so after a bit of back and forth, he asked me out and I said yes. 

We made plans to get drinks at a bar near Quincy Market on a Sunday night, and then about 45 minutes before we were meant to meet he told me he would be running a little bit late. He was having some car issues but he’d let me know when he was leaving. So, at this point I figured it was something fixable but he’d just be late, so I kept getting ready. 

When it was getting closer to our meeting time, though, I texted him again (got to love that Google Voice number) and told him to let me know when he was leaving so I knew when to leave my place. At this time I was completely ready – hair, makeup, all that – since he had never made it sound like the date wouldn’t be happening. Then, a few minutes later after we were scheduled to be meeting, he texted me that he was very sorry but he had to cancel because to fix his car he needed to go get a piece from his mom’s house, and he wanted to get it fixed before he went away at the end of the week.

Honestly I was probably more understanding than I should have been, but he said he was sorry and offered to make it up to me another night that week, but I did think it was a little weird that he didn’t at least offer to get an Uber or something, and that he HAD to fix it at that very moment when he knew I was ready to go. But, because I’m nice I gave him a second chance and we decided to go out to the same bar later that week. 

On the night of our date (for real), I ended up getting there before him, but not having to wait too long. When he showed up he was a bit shorter than I expected, but cute. It was weird because of COVID times we couldn’t hug or anything, so we just kind of walked in and found a table. I got a hard cider, and he got a vodka soda. 

We ended up also ordering an appetizer to split, just some buffalo wings, which were pretty good, and the date itself was decent. Nothing to write home about – I definitely wasn’t feeling a major spark or romantic chemistry or anything –  but he was funny and I was having a good time just being out of my apartment. 

After a bit, though, I could tell that I was ready to go home because it was way past my bedtime and I knew that this wasn’t really going to go anywhere, but it just felt very weird trying to find a way to nicely tell him I was ready to wrap this up and go home. 

Photo by Akshay Anand on

Finally I found a way to get that message across, and this is where the biggest problem with Clark came to be. As I’m sure y’all know by now, I’m old-fashioned and expect to be paid for on a first date. So when the bill came and I did my customary offer of splitting and he said, “Yes,” I was not pleased. But not just because I’m traditional. Because he also said, “Let’s do 50/50,” despite the fact that my hard cider was nearly $4 cheaper than his vodka soda, and he’d had two of them. And the wings we ‘split’? I ate maybe two or three, while he ate more like six or seven. 

And on top of that, he was telling me how his company and industry have been “thriving” during all of this while then listening to me talk about being unemployed and trying to survive off of unemployment. I’m a big believer that if you can’t afford to eat out you shouldn’t eat out, which is why I ordered a cheaper drink so that if he did say we should split it I wasn’t paying for overpriced liquor. He was the one who suggested the appetizer, too, and he ate so much more of it. Plus, the fact that he was basically gloating about now having to experience the stress that millions of people have had to experience lately… it was a major turnoff that essentially, he was letting me pay for him since his drinks were more expensive. 

Also let me just remind you that he basically stood me up just a few nights before, and promised to “make it up to me.” So his idea of making it up to me was letting me pay for part of his vodka and wings on a first date? I just think that’s tacky. 

However, he did offer to walk me home so I was almost willing to give him just ONE more pass. That is, until we started to get close to my place. When I told him I was right across the street so we could part there, and I could clearly see the look on his face that showed he was very much expecting me to invite him up. Even though I really don’t think any of our conversations had been very flirty, and he didn’t even attempt to woo me, so this felt very weird to me. I was very unimpressed with this and even though I lied and said we could hang out again, I knew we would not be. 

When I got back to my apartment, I brushed my teeth and got into bed. A bit later he messaged me that, “I’m cute and we should hang out again soon.” Yes, I am cute, but I just said thanks and good night. And, luckily, I never heard from Clark again.

Chapter 23: One Hit Blunders, Part IV – The Cheapskate and The Funcle

Welcome back to another week of One Hit Blunders! Today, you get to meet two men – one from Boston, The Cheapskate, and one from Florida, The Funcle. Let’s go. 

The last date I went on in Boston before the world shut down was with Charles, I guy that I accidentally matched with when I went back on Hinge for all of about 36 hours way back in February (man, that feels like years ago) and ended up going out with.

Charles is an accountant for something important, I honestly cannot remember, but I do remember that I definitely did not mean to match with him because he didn’t seem like what I was looking for, nor did he really match the physical attributes I usually go for. But, I matched with him nonetheless and I’m too nice to be like, “Whoops sorry meant to swipe left!” so we started talking.

To be totally fair, I wasn’t really interested in ANY of the guys I was matching with because I was already 100% positive that I was already in love with someone else that I’d met just before this, The Rollercoaster. He’s coming up next week, but he lives on the West Coast so to be realistic and not obsess over him too much, I was still exploring other options in Boston just to protect myself. Fair warning before next week’s post, get yourself LOTS of wine. I will absolutely be drinking a very big glass of it while I write next week’s post to get me through it, and I can only imagine how long next week’s post will be — but, I don’t want to give TOO much away. For right now, all you need to know is that I was in love with him and didn’t really want to be going out with The Cheapskate, but my friends convinced me to go out just for kicks and giggles and I figured it couldn’t hurt. Anyway, let’s get back to the story.

So, Charles and I talked for a bit, and he asked for my number. Considering I didn’t even want to match with him, I pulled my classic trick of giving him my Google Voice number, which turned out to be an excellent decision. 

He asked me out to lunch, and since he lives and works near Beacon Hill, which isn’t too far from me, I told him to pick a spot he could get to easily after his morning at work wrapped up. He picked a restaurant that turned out to have some very interesting food, but I went with it. 

The day we met up, I immediately knew I was in for a future dating blog story. He was wearing a very strange trench coat despite the fact that it wasn’t even really that cold at the time, and he seemed very concerned about not letting it touch the floor even for a second. We sat down at the bar, which was at least a kind of good distraction from the fact that he was shorter than I thought (seriously, guys, AGAIN?) and he ordered a beer and asked me what I wanted, and I said I’d get a hard cider since I don’t drink beer.

Apparently, this was offensive to him and I “should have told him before” that I don’t drink beer, which I just rolled my eyes to because it isn’t a big deal to me. The bartender overheard me say this and offered to give me a sample of a beer he thought I’d like, I thanked him and said that would be great, thanks. He went and got me a little glass for the sample and sets it in front of me, and Charles took it and had the first sip, even though it was for me! It was so weird.

The food was awful but the only thing worse was the conversation. Half of me felt like I was in a job interview while the other half of me felt like I was some B-list celebrity being asked weird questions on the red carpet hoping I’d say something scandalous so that the reporter who asked it could feel special. It was weird, he talked an awful lot about himself, and anything that was asked about me immediately got brought back to him. No, thank you.

Even better, I remember that he only ordered an appetizer – that he had to ask the server 50 questions about before he’d agree to order it – and made some really judge-y comments when I ordered a burger and fries. I know I’m not a Victoria’s Secret model, and guess what, I don’t want to be – I love my body. So to any guy who thinks it’s okay to comment on what a girl orders and eats, and actually DOES comment on what she eats, I say this to you from the very bottom of my heart – I hope you remain single forever. No girl deserves to deal with an insecure jerk like that.

But the real kicker was when the bill came. As you know, I always offer to pay my half but never expect to actually do so. Now, keep in mind what I said before – Charles is an accountant for a big company, and he lives on Beacon Hill (which if you don’t know, is one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Boston) in a place where he can park his luxury car easily. So, he is not hurting in the money department. Meanwhile, I’d been telling him about my woes of being unemployed until I started a new job at the end of the month. He didn’t let me pay, but he did tell me I could cover the tip (which was still a considerable amount), and left me with a, “You can pay the next time.” How about no, because there definitely will not be a next time?

I had told him while we were eating that I wanted to go shopping on Beacon Hill at some point soon, and he offered to walk me since he was heading home, but I fibbed and told him that I couldn’t go that day. Instead, I went back towards my place a couple of blocks until I figured he couldn’t see me, hid in a shop for a bit, and then came back out and went shopping.

Later that day, he messaged me about getting together and I pulled my go-to line, trying to be nice but firm. His response was literally just, “Oh come on, I know you’re into me.” I was none too pleased at his attitude so I pretty much just said, “Actually, I’m not. I didn’t enjoy our date at all. Bye.” He tried to respond to that, but I didn’t answer. I blocked him. Just another story for the book… well, blog.

When coronavirus started to get bad, my mom told me she did not want me to be up here in Boston by myself, so she told me to come home to Florida, which I gladly did.

After awhile, my family all made the collective decision that I needed to go on Bumble or something while I was there, if nothing else, to make new friends and just get me out of the house since for most of the five months I was there the two people I hung out with the most were my mom and my three year old niece. So, I went back on Bumble. 

My sister in law had a grand time living vicariously through me, since dating apps didn’t really become a thing until after she met my brother, so she did some swiping for me which led to my parents – mostly my dad – feeling left out. My dad wanted to know how Bumble worked and I said we could mirror my phone to the TV in the living room and he could help me. We were kind of joking, but actually, that’s exactly what we did.

A few nights of quarantine, my parents and I gathered in the living room and I’d set my phone up to display on the TV, and remind them of my rules:

  1. No more than one fish photo.
  2. No more than one mirror selfie.
  3. I don’t play Guess Who – if all of the photos are group shots, it’s a no.
  4. No kids (too complicated). 
  5. Proper use of their/they’re/there and your/you’re. 
  6. Actually has at least something interesting in their bio, and/or at least a question or two answered. 

Really, these are not too crazy of guidelines – yet it was very difficult to find decent matches.

But, I did match with Eddie, who we all liked because he called himself a “funcle” and had some cute pictures with his nieces and nephews. As someone who is also obsessed with their nieces, I figured we’d get along. 

We talked a bit, and then he asked me out and I figured I was being smart about being around people, and I was okay with doing a semi-socially distanced date so long as we were outdoors. We met at a tiki bar, and he got there a few minutes before me which allowed him time to order a drink without me – I don’t know, is that weird that it kind of bothered me? 

He seemed nice enough, but guess what, I had ANOTHER height liar! Maybe I’m just really bad at estimating people’s heights, but he definitely seemed shorter than he said, or he had really bad posture. He also did not look a ton like his photo in general, but I let it slide and decided to try to have fun regardless.

Photo by Lisa Fotios on

I did not have fun. Again, the conversation was lagging, with way too many awkward silences for me to count and a lot of me just staring at my drink hoping that it would magically give me inspiration on literally ANYTHING to talk about that would result in a conversation longer than two minutes long. It failed. I had also told him beforehand not to take it personally if I didn’t hug or anything, I was trying to be safe with corona, and to please respect that but he still hugged me like three times over the course of the night, and it was that awkward thing where I kind of just stood there with my arms at that weird “caught by surprise” angle not knowing what to do. Overall, it was just not a good night and I finally told him I had to be home soon (my brother did give me a curfew, after all) and left.

And I never heard from him again. Another little thing I like is when a guy at least makes sure that I get home safely after a date, but he didn’t even do that. I just never heard from him, which was fine with me. I unmatched with Eddie, and called it another loss but also a gain because at least I got a free drink out of it. Honestly though, I hope that he’s more fun with his nieces and nephews than he was with me. 

And that brings us to the end of another One Hit Blunders! Don’t forget the wine for next week – see you soon!

Chapter 20: One Hit Blunders, Part III – The Unsocial Graduate, The Too-Friendly Ghost, and The Implication

Guess what’s back, back again? One Hit Blunders, Part Three! And in honor of it being the third in this series, today, you get three stories instead of two.

Parth, or as I call him, The Unsocial Graduate, was another guy that I matched with on Hinge or Bumble, I can’t remember, around January of 2019 when things were starting to fizzle with Al (before I knew he was both a cheater and a heartless human). He was also in grad school at Northeastern, so we were able to talk about our experiences from our first semester, and I was giving him some tips on Boston since he was still fairly new to the area. 

We had plans to go out, but then, a couple of days before the weekend we had plans, my sister-in-law went into labor with my youngest niece late at night so I ended up flying home first thing Friday morning so I could meet her. Parth was very understanding, but then he asked me for photos of my niece and I had to change the subject because it is absolutely not my place to share photos of my nieces when I’m not their parent – especially not to someone I haven’t even met yet. I told him I’d show him a picture when we met up (I didn’t). But, we talked throughout the weekend and decided to go out the following week when I got back.

We went to The Cheesecake Factory (who doesn’t love that bread, right?) and almost immediately, I knew I was in for an awkward meal. He literally did not know how to carry a conversation — at ALL. He’d ask me a question, I’d answer, and then he’d just stare at me. Meanwhile I’m just eating my cheeseburger all self-consciously (at least he didn’t make me share my fries) and trying to think of what to say next. If I’m at a loss for words, you know it’s bad. 

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on

We had virtually nothing in common, the conversation did not flow, and it was just weird all around. Plus, he seemed to seriously lack common social skills especially in regards to how to conduct oneself in a restaurant. But hey, I got a free meal out of it (even though I ended up sneaking and slipping some extra cash on the table when I saw he left virtually no tip – which is one of my biggest pet peeves/dating deal-breakers). I can’t remember if we both got cheesecake to go, or if I just walked like I was heading to the T station in the Prudential and then turned around and got it myself, but either way, I definitely know I got cheesecake to eat when I got home as a reward for surviving the date. 

But if you’ve been reading my blog up to this point, you know that since it’s me, it can’t end there, can it? Nope. Parth texted me after and asked me out for a second date, and I gave him my classic ‘No, but thanks,’ line of, “You seem like a great guy, but I just didn’t feel the spark I’m looking for. Best of luck!” I could tell he was pissed about it, but he brushed it off for the moment. 

Then, barely a week later I get another text from him saying that he wants to go out on another date and “try again” so that he can see how he feels. I told him that’s not how it works, and again, no, I was not interested. He tried AGAIN, but kept just talking about himself and what he wanted to figure out. At that point, I threw the niceties out the window and told him straight up, “You are not respecting my opinion and feelings. I said no, I’m not interested, you need to listen to me because it’s not just about you and what YOU want.” That got him off of my back, so after that, I just spent the rest of my time in grad school making sure to avoid any areas that I might run into The Unsocial Graduate. 

Michael, or as I like to call him, The Too-Friendly Ghost, was another of my “Almost done with Al so I’m on Hinge” matches, and he seemed like the nicest guy in the world. He was so, so sweet. Almost too sweet, really. I don’t even know how long we talked before he finally asked me out, but I know it was a very long time and much longer than I’m used to waiting.

But, when I told him I had to go away for the weekend for an emergency, he could not have been more understanding and sympathetic. I ended up telling him afterwards what had happened (this was when my grandma passed away) and he was so nice about it and told me to take as much time as I needed before I was ready to go on a date or anything. 

Photo by Ryan Miguel Capili on

Finally, we scheduled a date and he was so nervous about picking a good place. We both like Italian food, so we decided to meet in the North End and pick a place when we got there. Then he said he’d feel better if I just picked a place so he knew I liked where we went, so I did. We met there and stood and looked at the menu on the window for 10 minutes with me convincing him that yes, this was totally fine, I was happy eating anywhere, I promised!

We did have a few things in common, and the conversation went at least a bit better than it had with Parth and some of the other guys I’ve experienced in the past. But at the same time, I felt like he was a bit too agreeable and just going along with whatever I said because he wanted to make sure I was happy. Which, again, is sweet, but also not really what I’m looking for. I definitely need someone who isn’t afraid to challenge me. 

Michael seemed very close with his family, though, which is very important to me, and I liked that he remembered the things I’d told him over text and asked me interesting questions about myself. He also immediately offered to pay. Overall, I had a pretty decent time and chalked up his need to please me to nerves or anxiety, so as we said goodbye I figured that maybe I’d give him one more chance.

Except, I never heard from him again. He straight up ghosted me after that. I’m assuming he wasn’t feeling it or knew that I wasn’t 100% on board, or he was intimidated, or something, and did not know how to handle it without abandoning the “way too nice” impression that I had of him, so instead, I just never heard from him again. After that, I realized that Michael could seriously give Casper a run for his money on which of them is the friendliest ghost. 

This is actually one of my favorite stories to share. I matched with this guy on Hinge, he was French (I’m not sure why, but French guys LOVE me – I’m not complaining) so I’ll call him Marius because I’m in a Les Mis mood right now. He seemed very successful – good job, dressed nicely, well-spoken, and I was very into that.

We talked a lot, and he was saying to me that he was hoping to find someone that he could more or less spoil – buy nice clothes, take to France for vacations and stay in his nice place there, etc. No, this was not a sugar baby situation, because he was just a little bit older than me and he wanted to actually date, too, but I’m not going to be upset about a guy who wants to treat me like a princess (especially not a French one) so I supported this dream of his. 

Photo by sergio souza on

Finally, we started to make plans to meet. First, we thought about grabbing dinner somewhere on the water, but then, he said that he wanted to do something even more special – he wanted to take me out that weekend on his boat. He said he’d bring a bottle of wine, we’d go whale watching, cruise around, and grab dinner when we got back. 

I remember he texted me this on my way to work, and all I was thinking was, “No fucking way am I getting on a boat with someone that I haven’t even met yet!” So when I got to work, I told my coworkers (who were all male, by the way) that this guy I’d been talking to but hadn’t met yet wanted to take me out on his boat that weekend for our first date. They thought this was great! It sounded fun, cool, romantic, and they were telling me to have fun. But I had to explain to them that, no, this was NOT a good idea because once I was out in the middle of the water with a stranger, I had no clue what was going to happen. This sounded like a Lifetime movie where I was going to be the young girl who gets murdered by some crazy con man and then sends their mother into some crazy quest for vengeance. 

This is when one of my coworkers asked me if I watched the show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” I said no, I hadn’t. He sent me the link to a scene from the show called “the implication.” Here’s the link if you haven’t seen it yourself, come back when you’re done watching.

Back? So, now you know why I call him “The Implication.” I texted him that a boat cruise sounded cool, but it wasn’t something I wanted to do before we met, he said okay, and then he went back to France for a trip and we never really spoke again. And that was the end of him. 

So that, my friends, brings us to the end of Part Three of my One Hit Blunders. But don’t worry – there’s more to come! In the meantime, share your worst first date stories with me in the comments below – I want to read them!

See you next week for another story!

Chapter 17: One Hit Blunders, Part II – The Italian Stallion and The Smoker

Welcome back to One Hit Blunders. Part II brings us to two gentlemen, The Italian Stallion and The Smoker. 

For our first story, let’s take it back to when I was still living in Orlando, around the beginning of 2018 – so, not too long before I left, but at a time when I was still kind of hoping for something, or someone, to give me a reason to stay. Which is when I met Mario, or as my friend Charlotte dubbed him, The Italian Stallion.

Mario and I matched on Tinder, and if you couldn’t tell by the name, he’s Italian. If you didn’t guess by now, I very rarely date/go after Caucasian American men for some reason. In high school, I very much went for the blonde, Abercrombie model ‘lax bro’ types, and then suddenly in college I realized that actually, I didn’t really like those kinds of guys. That’s what my friends liked, and I went along with it because it was the style back in the day. But, really, I was into dark hair, accents, and dad bods. But I digress.

So, Mario was Italian, and his pictures made him look decently tall, he had a nice smile, and overall, seemed nice. He also worked at Disney, so we had that in common, and his broken English was kind of adorable. We made plans to go out, with him inviting me to go get pizza at MidiCi because he loved it. I thought it was kind of stereotypical to go get pizza with an Italian guy, but I love pizza, and I’m not picky, so I went with it. 

We met up after talking for a few days, and honestly I was pretty excited to meet! But guess what? I had yet another height liar. Whoever Mario had to take his photos did a great job with angles because he looked about 6” taller than he actually is. He also managed to hide the fact that he was severely balding despite only being barely 30 years old. Again, not deal breakers but just be honest! 

I’m in a serious relationship with pizza.
Photo by Vincent Rivaud on

The meal itself was okay, but he spent most of it talking about how he called his family still in Italy multiple times a day. Kind of cute, but also kind of not, in my opinion. Mario just seemed like way more of a mama’s boy than I was prepared to take on. The pizza was good, though. After we ate, we walked around the shopping center for a bit and ended up getting Starbucks tea (after he told me he doesn’t like their coffee) and then it was time for me to head home. On the way back to my car, though, I saw his car… well, van. He had some sort of large white van that he bought so that he could fit his whole family in it if/when they came to visit. I’m not really into materialistic things, but a large white van is not exactly a chick magnet.

After that date not really emitting the spark I was looking for, I figured we’d just slowly drift apart, but he, apparently, did not. He kept trying to see me, and I was trying so hard to be nice about it. One day, I decided to go to Epcot with two of my coworkers, Charlotte and Bianca, after work and I was telling them that Mario worked there. I made the mistake of telling Mario that I’d be in the park, and he literally sat and waited 20 minutes after getting out of work for me to get to where he was, just to say hi. Meanwhile, Charlotte and Bianca were on my phone scrolling and swiping through Tinder to live vicariously through me. It was when they eventually met him that afternoon that Charlotte dubbed him The Italian Stallion (it was an ironic nickname, obviously). 

What makes all of this even MORE hilarious is that eventually, Mario and I drifted apart and he didn’t text me so much anymore, and then, I found out that Charlotte’s little sister, who worked in Epcot, was telling her that one of the guys she worked with was basically in love with her, asking her to move to Italy with him, or saying he’d stay here for her, and Charlotte figured out that it was Mario. So, sorry for her sister that she became the new object of his affection for a while, but it worked out for me. 

The second part of this chapter, The Smoker, is a pretty short story, to be honest. Dev was another guy that I matched with on Hinge and overall, he seemed really cool so we set up plans for a date. He brought me flowers, which was pretty adorable, and then we went to Kings to play pool and have something to eat. 

But he kept commenting on how bad I was at pool even after I had disclosed this information several times. He also drank a bit more than I would drink on a first date, personally. Then, we went to the dining portion of it and he made another comment on the fact that I ordered a burger, and because of that, he made the executive decision after I placed my order that we’d just share my fries. Um, I did not agree to that? It felt weird and like it was his way of showing his disapproval of my weight or body type, or the fact that I, you know, eat? He also clearly doesn’t know that this girl right here does NOT share her fries with just anyone. That’s something for my inner circle only.

Photo by Pixabay on

The conversation was lacking, but for whatever reason I agreed to go ahead and take a bit of a walk with him afterwards. On the walk, he asked me if it was okay if he smoked, I answered honestly, no. That didn’t sit well with him apparently because he was pretty cold towards me the rest of the night. Dev also took this time to start talking about how great it was when he sometimes couldn’t sleep and would go for walks late at night, and then chastised me when I said I didn’t before going on a tangent about how great it is and how I should do it, before I finally reminded him that, you know, I’m a girl so me walking around the city by myself in the middle of the night just sounds like the start of an SVU episode. 

Finally, I decided to call it a night and ordered an Uber to pick me up a couple of blocks away. He waited with me, and lit up a cigarette literally the second I got in the car. He did text me later to ask me out again, and I said thanks but no thanks, and he was very gracious about it, but ultimately smoking is a huge deal breaker for me, as are comments about what I eat. 

So, that brings us to the conclusion of Part II of One Hit Blunders. Stay tuned to see what comes up next!

Chapter 14: One Hit Blunders, Part I – The Semi-Date and The Dollar Man

Welcome to part one of a series I’m going to be adding to this, all about the first and only dates I’ve had with a handful or so of guys who otherwise didn’t really have a huge role in my life or provide much of anything important – besides giving me some great material over the course of one date. 

Shout out to my mom for giving me the title idea for this series, which she originally called “One Hit Wonders,” but since I can’t exactly say that all of these guys were, in fact, particularly wonderful, I decided to change “wonder” to “blunder,” because really, that just felt more appropriate. 

First up, we have The Semi Date, Roman, and The Dollar Man, Rodrigo.

My Sophomore year of college, my sorority’s semi-formal was coming up (hey there, Alpha Epsilon Phi). I wasn’t dating anyone (big surprise), so I figured I could either get set up by a girl or guy friend, which a lot of my sisters did, or I could invite a guy friend. I chose the latter, inviting a friend of mine, Dallas, who was in a fraternity we were close with to come with me, and he accepted. Super random side note, but I remember that because I’d just gone ahead and paid for his ticket he brought me a bottle of Hypnotiq for the pre-game at my friend’s place, and I thought I was super cool drinking a teeny-tiny bit of this electric blue concoction, which should say a lot about how I was at 19, but I digress.  

We got to our semi-formal, which was at a hotel, and Dallas and I had a good time together, but as the night progressed I started to become ever so slightly suspicious that he had a different idea of how the night would end than I did. Which is where Roman comes in. 

Roman was in a different fraternity, and had been brought by one of my good friends, Courtney, after being set up by a mutual friend. I hung out with her for part of the night and started talking to him as well, and developed a bit of a crush. This ended up helping me avoid a potentially awkward conversation with Dallas when it was time to leave, and the night ended on a good note with him, and we remained friendly throughout college.

My sorority’s mascot is the giraffe, that’s all
I could find a photo of!
Photo by Frans Van Heerden on

Long story short, I knew I had a thing for Roman, but obviously, girl code exists so before making a move, I asked Courtney if she was okay with it and she said yes, of course, (their ‘date’ wasn’t anything serious). So I added him on Facebook, sent him a message making up some ridiculous reason for why he needed to text me, gave him my number, got him to text me, we talked for a bit, and then after a little while, I more or less forced him to ask me out, which he eventually did. 

He asked me what I wanted to eat if we went to a restaurant, and I said anything but Thai food. We got Thai food. (I told him it was okay once he suggested it, really, I can find something anywhere, plus, he paid). Then, he walked me back to my dorm and was CLEARLY waiting for the invite up, which I could tell, and after about three seconds of nearly letting temptation give in, I was pretty much just like, “Okay cool, had a great time, thanks, bye!” And ran upstairs. 

Obviously, things didn’t go further from there. I did text him a couple of times after but we never met up, though I did run into him on the street once years later and it was very awko-taco. To be fair, I myself was often confused by how incredibly forward I was considering my complete and total lack of sexual prowess at the time, so I probably gave him some insanely mixed signals, and considering he was a college-aged frat guy, I get it. So, no hard feelings, just some free Thai food and a funny story about hijacking my friend’s semi-date.

Next up is The Dollar Man – you’ll see why I call him this pretty soon. This was back in the summer of 2016, when I’d just moved back to Orlando, so excited to be closer to Christian again, just to have him give me a three-month long silent treatment because I (rightfully) got mad at him and called him out for something. But, I was about to start a new job and make new friends, plus I had really cool strawberry blonde hair at the time, so, I was determined to make the most of the summer.

I matched with Rodrigo on Tinder. He was from Portugal which I thought was pretty cool (me and my love of foreign men never gets old), and we talked pretty often for a couple of weeks. Finally, I asked him if he was going to ask me out one of these days (are you noticing a trend with me?) and he did, finally asking me to go to Kobe’s – which, if you don’t know, is a Japanese steakhouse – that weekend. I accepted because who doesn’t love some good hibachi? 

When we got there, I was immediately a bit perturbed because, again, here was someone who’d clearly fudged on his height a bit. I had asked him how tall he was over Tinder, just out of curiosity to know if I could wear heels or not, and he told me in centimeters, which I converted to be about 5’10” or so. He was about 5’7”, maybe 8”. Again, I don’t care about height, but I DO care when you lie about something that’s going to be blatantly obvious when we meet. 

He was also SUPER nervous the whole time. He was clearly intimidated by me, which was kind of cute at first, but as the night went on it just got annoying. We ended up going on a walk after dinner because we were so full, and the whole time he was so jittery talking to me I kept thinking, “Holy crap, if we get jumped right now am I going to have to be the one to beat the person up?” 

Can you pay my bills?
Photo by Burst on

But really, the biggest problem with Rodrigo came when we got the bill. I always, always, always offer to split the check on the first date (and all dates, really), and when I did, he declined, and I said thank you. Usually, that’s it. But not with him. After he paid, he went on a very long tangent thanking me for offering to pay, because usually girls don’t, and it’s so rude when they don’t, because why do women think that the dollars they earn are more valuable than the ones that a man earns, so it’s up to the guy to always pay? He even told me that one time he nearly left a girl stranded on a date because she hadn’t offered to pay! He went on about this for way too long to the point that I felt very uncomfortable, almost wanting to just take back the bill and pay for myself and split. 

I get a guy being appreciative of a girl offering to split the bill, but he didn’t have to bash all the girls who didn’t. I might get flack for this, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being old-fashioned and traditional and expecting the man to pay for the first date. After that, you can split or take turns, sure, but everyone was raised differently and might have different ideas with that. Ultimately, if that’s a problem for you, tell the person what works for you – don’t hold it in and then talk smack about them on a date with a different person. 

So, again, Rodrigo was a bust. I remember I even gave him my leftovers because I was going away the next day and didn’t want to waste them, which is kind of funny when you think about it. Overall, he seemed pretty nice but ultimately I was turned off by the height lie, clear intimidation, and monologue about the value of a dollar and didn’t pursue anything further.

And that, my friends, is part one of One Hit Blunders. Stay tuned for next week, when your regularly scheduled blogging will return (get excited for The Stalker!), but don’t worry, more One Hit Blunders are on their way.