love Archives • Madeline Olsen

So Long, 2020

So about this year.

2020, am I right?

This year was, a lot, to put it simply. I don’t know a single person who can say that this year wasn’t absolutely crazy – between COVID, the protests and riots from this summer, depressing celebrity deaths (RIP Chadwick Boseman and Alex Trebek), murder hornets, and Prince Harry leaving the royal family – among many other things – 2020 seemed to want to see exactly just how much we could take. But, this year didn’t totally suck for me.

Yes, I lost the job that was supposed to be my super-cool “big girl” job that I actually stayed with for more than six months. Yes, I flew across the country to spend the weekend with a guy I had met once and was convinced was the real thing just to have my heart broken and end up abandoned in a mall. I went to Florida to be with my family for two weeks (remember when we thought that was all it would take to flatten the curve?) and stayed for five months, which I wasn’t prepared for. I went six months without seeing a friend that wasn’t also a family member, and I had to cancel two trips that I was really looking forward to. I got a Travel Rewards credit card back in February which was hilariously ignored.

Obviously, I know that in the grand scheme of things the “bad shit” that happened to me this year really wasn’t that bad compared to what a lot of other people have been through, and I’m very aware of that, but it doesn’t mean that it still wasn’t tough to get through. But, I did get through it and ended up stronger and better than ever.

A friend of mine and I have been saying lately that if you think 2020 completely sucked, then, no offense, you kind of suck, too. I absolutely believe that this year had a meaning – what it is, I don’t know, but I think it did. It forced a lot of people to slow down and appreciate the little things in life, and remember how much they have to be grateful for. They realized what their true priorities need to be. Employers realized that maybe allowing for a better work-life balance wouldn’t be such a bad thing. People realized how important family is, and that honestly, it’s silly to be overly loyal to a company when the company isn’t very loyal to you. This year came with a lot of trials and tribulations, absolutely, but if you’ve simply been dwelling on all the bad things and haven’t learned any lessons from this year then I’m sorry to say that I don’t think your 2021 is going to be much better.

Yes, some bad things happened to me, but good things did, too. I got to see my baby niece’s first steps and hear some of her first words. I spent an unexpectedly large amount of time with my family. I got certified as a Barre instructor after years of saying I would, finally renewed my First Aid certification, and was able to dedicate more time to studying for (and taking) the beast that is the LSAT so I can start law school next year. I sought out specific treatment to discuss my history with disordered eating so that I don’t adopt those habits and end up as sick and miserable as I was when I was at the height of my eating disorder a few years ago. I baked, a lot. I learned to kayak with my mom, started lettering, and read a ton of books. I got my first position on a Board of Directors for a non-profit I’m extremely passionate about, took on a very fulfilling leadership position in the Junior League, and most importantly, I learned to prioritize myself! I finally had a talk with someone that I’ve felt I needed to have for years, and we were able to put the past where it belongs and start to become friends after way too much resentment and pain. I invested the amount of time, money, and energy that I’m used to investing in other people into myself and I’ve come out on the other side a completely different person.

A friend of mine developed a “Soul Purpose” program, and I decided to take part in it because when shit started to hit the fan back in April – even before the pandemic got really bad – I couldn’t help but feel like I was meant to take a step back and reevaluate what I was doing with my life, because I wasn’t on the right path at all. It took me a while to decide to participate, but I am so glad that I did. Honestly, the work I’ve done with her over the past twelve weeks has been infinitely better for me than anything I worked on with my most recent therapist, who pretty much ghosted me when I had an insurance issue and couldn’t see her as regularly. I felt strong enough to go off my anti-anxiety medication because a lot of the reasons I was anxious in the past were no longer present. I learned to trust myself, love myself, and not feel like I have to be responsible for the happiness of everyone in my life – even when it’s at my own expense. I placed boundaries that I actually enforced (finally). I learned more about myself than I thought was possible in only three months, and I’m ending this year happier than I’ve been in years.

I know my experiences might be the exception, but I really do think that attitude can make a huge difference. Even when I lost my job because of budget issues, I knew that I was insanely lucky because I didn’t have nearly as much to worry about as others. There was the coworker who was just a couple of years from retirement, the one who found out shortly after being laid off that she was pregnant, or the one who had moved from a different state specifically for a job she lost just a couple of months later. I don’t have kids or a mortgage, and I’m insanely lucky and grateful to have a supportive family. But I also didn’t take that for granted. I took advantage of the opportunities this year gave me, and the position I was in, to make sure that I didn’t waste something that I was fortunate enough to have. And because I didn’t take my job loss personally, or spend every day finding a reason to have a pity party, I received more opportunities to grow and continue being grateful.

I think I’ve said this before, but every morning before I get out of bed I list three things I’m grateful for and three things I’m looking forward to that day. I get that on REALLY hard days that isn’t enough – and I’ve had some of those days myself – but the important thing is to keep on going. I know this sounds kind of ~earthy~, but I do think this year has made me a bit of a hippie so I’m going with it (I even have a “hippie tray” in my room to hold all my crystals), but I also totally believe in that. You know that book “The Secret”? It’s true. Attitude can make a huge difference in your life, so make sure you have a good one.

This doesn’t mean to belittle your own feelings when you have a valid reason to be upset because someone always has it worse, or you should be grateful for the good things and forget the bad, because that’s not realistic and it’s also not healthy to never have a negative emotion, and it isn’t fair to you to feel like you’re not allowed to have a bad day. You are! Everyone is! But, don’t let one bad day define your whole year. And by the same token, don’t let one bad year define the rest of them.

Just because I had a pretty good year, comparatively speaking, doesn’t mean I’m not ready to say goodbye to 2020. I am, trust me. I’m sad for those grieving a loved one that was lost because of COVID, or any other illness or accident. I’m sad at how divided our country has become. I’m sad for the people who’ve struggled with mental health, abusive relationships or families, or food insecurity because of places being closed. I’m sad for families that missed the holidays together, and I’m sad that my not even three-year old niece gets nervous when her mask falls off in public. I know things aren’t perfect. But, I can’t control a lot of those things. What I can control is how I react to those things. I can’t send positivity and love to people who need it when I’m still taking a job loss from April personally, or being upset about a jerk in Arizona, because I wouldn’t have anything to give them if I was so focused on the ‘bad’ things that happened. Especially because if those things hadn’t happened, SO many of the great things that happened to me this year probably wouldn’t have either!

My friend who led the “Soul Purpose” program I did has made a positive impact on my life since we first met in Orlando when she did my waxes, but this year she went above and beyond. She helped me learn to trust myself, listen to my intuition, address areas I needed to work on to be the best version of me I can possibly be, and most importantly, she helped me find my purpose. To serve others. I’m excited to spend the next year – and beyond – figuring out exactly how I want to serve others, and then doing it! I wouldn’t have been able to do that if this year had been as perfect as I imagined it would be back in February.

So, yes, 2020 sucked but it doesn’t mean that 2021 has to as well. I hope you were able to learn something from this year, too, and if not – there’s still time! I finally worked on things from five years ago this year. It’s never too late. I’m excited to put this year to bed, and I’m ready to take on 2021 and make it the best year yet! That is, until 2022.

I hope everyone has a happy, healthy, and safe New Year’s Eve celebration, and I’m wishing everyone an amazing new year! Praying for peace, love, and light, and for everyone who struggled this year, don’t give up.

2020 is over and it can only go up from here! Right? Right.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

Chapter 26: I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost

Just because it’s spooky season…

How to survive being ghosted, and why I don’t ghost

You meet someone, most likely on a dating app, you go out and have a great time, talk a bit after, and then as soon as you ask them to hang out again, they seem to have suddenly disappeared into a deep abyss, never to be seen again.

We’ve all had it happen to us. And worse, a lot of people have done it completely unintentionally.

So, how do I survive being ghosted, and why do I not ghost myself? I’m glad you asked. Since quarantine has kind of put a damper on my dating life and I’m currently working with a small pool of stories I haven’t already told (don’t worry, I’m working on getting more soon), I figured that this would be a good time to address the one aspect of modern dating that is probably the absolute worst.

I honestly would love to know who was the first person to ghost someone and make all of this a thing, because I’d like to have a serious talking-to with them. Let’s all establish right now that ghosting someone, whether you’ve been on a first date or not, is rude, inconsiderate, and unnecessary.

I have been ghosted – and trust me, it’s happened a lot – and at every stage of a relationship (including the infamous ghosting by The Cheater at literally the most cruel moment a girl could ever be ghosted) so I know that it sucks and sometimes it hurts, a lot, at first.

But then I just tell myself that clearly this person was just way too intimidated by my beauty and general amazingness and that’s why he disappeared.

Just kidding, that’s not what I do.

First of all, I give myself one day to have a mini pity party. Even if you haven’t been out yet, or you’ve only been out once, it is still definitely a blow to your ego and confidence to have someone that you really thought you were vibing with just disappear. Also, just throwing it out there, that most of the time when I give myself a day to just be sad about it and focus on making myself feel better – wine, bubble baths, face masks, the works – they usually end up texting me the next day.

But for those who don’t, I move on to stage two. I do like to give people second chances – clearly this is a pattern of mine, and it’s up for debate whether or not this is a good quality – but after my pity party day, when most of my negative emotions have already been drained, I reach out to them one more time. Here’s the key, though, you have to reach out CALMLY. Listen, I have gone from my slow simmering level 2 of craziness to a straight up 10 in about 30 seconds flat before, I get it, it’s hard not to, but again, this is why I give myself a day to just feel the feels so that when I try one more time, I’m not going full on psycho. Also, sometimes people do have genuine reasons to disappear for a bit – family emergencies, work, etc.

Photo by Ryan Miguel Capili on Pexels.com

First of all, if the person is extremely rude, makes you uncomfortable, or this is not the first time you’ve tried to break things off, then I give you permission to go full on ghost mode. However, if none of those things are true, then I recommend using my line.

Usually, I’d say something like, “Hey [name], I really don’t want to assume anything, but I haven’t heard from you in [insert general time frame, we don’t need the seconds]. I hope everything is okay with you, but also, if you’ve just lost interest I would appreciate it if you could just be upfront with me about it.”

I do tailor this to the person a bit if needed, and let me just say this – while I have not had the misfortune of being ghosted by someone just after sleeping with them for the first time, if that happens to you – DO NOT TEXT THEM. At all. I don’t care if he/she was the hottest person ever, best sex ever, or had amazing Ninja Turtles bed sheets. Sorry, but anyone who does that is scum and doesn’t deserve even one more ounce of your attention or energy. No excuses. In that case, call your best friend to come over, eat lots of comfort food, and watch some good movies until you feel better.

Overall, the point is not to be rude. You know the phrase, “You kill more flies with honey than you do with vinegar”? This applies to being ghosted, too. I get it – you want to be a bit sassy/petty/bitchy, and of course I have felt the same way on occasion. But they are not worth it. Not at all. And people who ghost like that probably want a reaction and when you give them any level of sass they’re just going to be like, “Wow, glad I ghosted that one.” Think of Juan Pablo after Clare told his ass off on the finale of “The Bachelor.” While that was amazing, this is not the time to do that. Just be the bigger person and let it go. Say something, and don’t be a doormat, but be nice enough that they feel a little guilty about what they’ve done.

This is something I used a lot at Disney, actually. When guests were yelling at me about how I ruined their vacation, I would just give them my best Bambi-eyes and then smile and put on my super over the top customer service voice and it was hilarious how quickly they would start being nice to me. People don’t like being mean to nice people.

The next step is to remember the most important of all of this – it is nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. You didn’t do anything wrong, and even if you did, adults should be able to talk about that sort of stuff, not just storm off and disappear. It doesn’t mean you’re unworthy, or unlovable, or that you aren’t good enough. In fact, it means the opposite. Why would you want to be with someone who ghosts people? Personally, good communication skills are a major turn-on and I can’t imagine a relationship with someone who’s unable to talk about and work through issues, so someone who ghosts really isn’t worth my time. Lacking the courage and decency to tell you that they lost interest is a them problem, not a you problem. I promise.

So, after you remind yourself of all of these things while you wait for the text back from them that in all honesty, will probably never come, it’s time for the last couple of steps. First, get your girl or guy friends together and hang out – I don’t care if you just watch Netflix or if you go out to a club (remember when we could do that?), or if you just Facetime your best friend while drinking a glass of wine, the important thing is to not spend too much time alone with yourself and be in your own head. Let your friends build you up and tell you how great you are (you are pretty great) and just have fun with them.

And finally, get back to dating. Don’t ever let someone who’s too immature to use their words get to you or keep you from finding someone who does deserve you. They’re out there, I promise.

I feel like it’s pretty easy to sum up why I don’t ghost people unless I have a safety concern or I’ve tried to tell them to back off and they haven’t so I was left with no choice – I’m just not a crappy person.

But, it’s more than that. Admittedly, some of it is a bit selfish in that I hope that by making sure I do not ghost people, I won’t get ghosted or have my heart broken anymore. So far that has not proven to be a good tactic, but I still try to be a good person because it’s the right thing to do!

Really, most of it comes down to the fact that I know how it feels to be ghosted. It’s aggravating, frustrating, upsetting, disappointing, all of the above. It’s hard to not feel like it’s a personal attack or wonder what’s wrong with you. I know how it feels to be on that side of it, I would really never want to make someone else feel that way if I can avoid it.

I have talked about my “go to” line before, but I’ll say it again. Whenever I realize that the person I’ve been talking to isn’t the one for me – which I usually try not to do until after at least one date – I say, “Hey! I had so much fun [insert date activity or “talking to”] with you. You seem like a great guy/girl, but I wanted to be upfront and let you know that I just didn’t feel the spark that I’m looking for. Best of luck!”

You can add more if you feel like it, but I believe that less is more and for the most part, I’ve had good success with saying just these short three sentences. Most guys have appreciated the honesty and responded pretty well. It’s just a good, concise way to send the message that you had a good time (even if you didn’t, again, just be nice) but you didn’t feel it – but still wish them luck in their future dating endeavors, because if nothing else, you can at least offer them that.

Moral of the story, be nice. Do unto others as you wish to have done to you. And whether it’s spooky season or not, don’t ghost.

ghosting

For an upcoming post, I’d love to do a Question & Answer piece! So, ask me your questions in the comments – no topic is off limits!