Chapter 34: Dating Apps – Ranked and My Profile Rules

You know you’ve used too many dating apps when you can create a ranked list of them.

There are a lot of dating apps out there, and I’ve used a ton of them. From Hinge to Happn, Coffee Meets Bagel to Bumble, there are so many options out there. While I’m just one person and my experiences are probably vastly different from someone else’s, I wanted to share my ranking of the apps that I’ve used. So here are eight dating apps ranked in order (worst to best) for your reading pleasure.


8. Happn

Happn gets the bottom spot for two reasons – one, because it’s where I met The Creepy Catfish, and two, because now that I think about it, the premise of it makes me feel like it was the inspiration behind “You.” Seriously, it’s a “Criminal Minds” episode waiting to happen. If it wasn’t that I was asked to download it out of support for someone I don’t even remember, I probably would have never used it because seriously, it’s creepy. How it still exists I don’t really know but I don’t remember having a good experience with finding anyone except for one person that made me seriously question my safety and consider entering a convent. So, Happn gets put at the bottom of the list. Easily.

7. Coffee Meets Bagel

I only used Coffee Meets Bagel for a little bit, but from what I remember I didn’t have much luck. I know some people have had success, and I’ve heard that of all the dating apps they tend to have the highest number of highly educated users, but that wasn’t my experience. If I’m remembering correctly, I talked to maybe two people during my brief stint of being active on it. To be fair, I was using this in Orlando where (no offense) there are VERY slim-pickings when it comes to straight, available men who are also boyfriend-material so maybe I’d have a different experience if I used it now. I was also kind of confused at the functionality of the app and didn’t feel like I was using it correctly but again that’s kind of a personal perspective. Regardless, I wasn’t a fan.

6. OKCupid / Plenty of Fish

I put OKCupid and Plenty of Fish together only because I genuinely don’t remember which of them I actually used, and in general I get them confused and don’t really know the difference. Dating apps all start to run together after a while. I know I used one of them, and by “used” I mean I created a profile, went to bed, woke up to over 50 messages, got overwhelmed, and closed my account. Listen, I know I’m a catch but there is clearly a bad gender ratio on there if I’m waking up to over 50 messages after less than 12 hours of making a profile. I know people who’ve met their significant other on both of these apps, but I’m too lazy to weed through dozens of messages to find someone who knows the difference between “your” and “you’re.” So it was not my thing.

5. EHarmony

Y’all already know how I feel about EHarmony, and if you don’t, go back and read my review of it here. Yes, it’s supposed to be one of the most trusted and successful paid dating sites, but again, I was not a fan. I hate the way that you “unmatch” someone, I hate how much information they force you to provide in order to get the full benefits that you already paid for, and I was not finding quality men on there considering the price of it. The only reason it’s not lower is because I feel bad shit-talking them as much as I have so I gave them a couple of bonus points to be nice.

4. Clover

Clover is another one of those apps that I think I used for maybe a week total, if that. When I got no matches after a week or so, I deleted it. I’m impatient.  However, I do give them points because I like how many features they offer and that they seem to really be trying to create a quality app that people can use for a variety of reasons. I don’t feel like it’s as well-known as some of the others so it isn’t used as much, but I feel like if they keep up with being innovative and maybe increase their social media presence it could get more popular easily.

3. Hinge

I’ve actually had the most success with getting good matches that led to good dates on Hinge, but because it’s where I met The Stalker and it took them several months to respond to my numerous attempts to report him, they got bumped on the list. They’re still top three because again, I know it’s a good app and lots of people have had really good luck and success stories, but I don’t like that they didn’t seem to care about users’ safety. It’s a shame because I actually like the matching method on there the best, but safety is very important to me, so they got moved to third.

2. Tinder

Call me crazy but I actually like Tinder. Do I expect to meet the love of my life on there? No. But, I have met a handful of guys who’ve at least provided me with a good story for here. I know that Tinder is considered more of the “hookup” app and not relationships, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fun to use from time to time. I feel like Tinder is kind of like that person you know that’s really popular and even though you want to hate them because of their reputation, you just can’t. It’s simple and straight-forward, and even though I’m pretty positive most of the ‘people’ on there are bots or catfishers, I don’t totally hate it.

1. Bumble

I’ve actually only had mediocre success on Bumble, but I like the app as a whole the best. I like that it’s simple and to the point, I like the design, and I like the different filters. I also like that they’ve kind of adopted some of Hinge’s ideas and now instead of having all photos you can answer prompts to add to your profile, too. I really like that girls message first because sometimes I accidentally swipe on someone I didn’t mean to on dating apps and I feel bad ghosting them if they message me first. I also feel like it’s just a bit safer that way. Plus, they provide some ideas for opening lines which I think is pretty cool. Overall, I feel like it has mostly good quality people on there, it’s easy to use, I feel safe, and I haven’t met anyone crazy off of it (yet), so it’s my number one.


Maybe it’s just me, but I personally have a set of “guidelines,” if you will, of what I look for on a guy’s profile. Okay, it’s more like a list of “Don’ts” that, unless they look like Liam Hemsworth, get them an immediate swipe left.


My Rules

  1. No more than one “holding a fish” photo.
  2. No more than one mirror photo – and if he has a mirror photo/gym selfie, his face has to be in it, too.
  3. He’s allowed to have a group photo, but if ALL of the photos are group photos, it’s a no-go. I’m trying to find a match, not play a game of Guess Who?
  4. I allow one grammatical or spelling error, but if he doesn’t know the difference between “your”/”you’re” and “there”/”their”/”they’re,” unfortunately, it’s an automatic nope.
  5. If he doesn’t have anything written in his bio, it makes me wonder if he’s capable of having a conversation. It depends on the rest of the profile is this ends up being a no.
  6. No ridiculous abbreviations. Does it really take so long to write a full sentence? No. Just use full words, please.
  7. A cute cat or dog in a photo can cancel out one (and only one) of the rules above to put them in potential swipe-right territory.

Do you agree with my ranking? Or, do you have any suggestions for dating apps I should try? Christian Mingle, Farmers Only, I’m open to suggestions. Let me know in the comments!