Chapter 40: Grocery store guy

Growing up as a child of the 90s, plus a Disney lover, I’ve seen about every single movie “meet-cute” you can think of. The dog leashes getting twisted at the park, getting in the same taxi, you name it, I’ve probably seen it. But one that always sort of stood out to me as especially cute was the grocery store meetup. 

Growing up as a child of the 90s, plus a Disney lover, I’ve seen about every single movie “meet-cute” you can think of. The dog leashes getting twisted at the park, getting in the same taxi, you name it, I’ve probably seen it. But one that always sort of stood out to me as especially cute was the grocery store meetup. 


Maybe it’s because I’m fairly short, so I always thought this was a pretty easy one to make happen. All I had to do was need something on the top shelf that I just couldn’t *quite* meet. Then, a handsome, smart guy would come out of nowhere and grab it for me. Of course, all the times that I have needed to ask someone to grab something for me it’s never been a guy even in my age range that’s available to ask for help. But I remain optimistic. 

Recently, I was in Arizona. I was originally planning on just staying in the Phoenix area for a few days and taking a day trip to Sedona (where I really wanted to go). Thanks to my parents, however, I ended up spending a few days in Sedona and then headed to Phoenix. I was excited to get out in nature, have some sun (I was getting a little too pale), recharge my crystals, and mostly, just have some time to myself to think through some decisions I needed to make. Also, I was excited to have a chance to make more positive memories than the last time I was there. Really, I didn’t have any plans or expectations beyond a few things I wanted to experience at some point in both places. Having any kind of romantic entanglement was certainly not high on the priority list. 

The day I drove from Sedona to Phoenix, I’d done a really cool yoga and meditation hike (which is exactly what it sounds like). But because of the weather and location, for some of it, we literally sat on the ground. That was in the morning and lasted a few hours. Then, I was in the car for two hours driving. So, I wasn’t exactly camera-ready. But after checking in at my hotel, I wanted to get a few things so that I had some snacks and breakfasts in my room. And wine. I wanted wine. 

Arizona is really pretty, if you didn’t know.

As I walked down the wine aisle, I hear two guys talking. One of them was asking the other if he knew of any sweet wines. His friend said no, he wasn’t sure. Meanwhile, I was mostly just looking for a wine with a twist top since I don’t know how to use a corkscrew, so I had plenty of time to listen in on their quest for a sweet wine. 

Finally, I offered my suggestion when I noticed a wine that I like that happens to be pretty sweet. And me being my overly friendly self, I ended up spending the next few minutes helping the guy who seemed more invested in this hunt find a sweet wine. Meanwhile, he kept an eye out for a red wine with a twist top for me. 

Eventually, he found his wine, but I was still looking for mine. But somehow, the wine conversation seemed to be an open invitation to him to linger for a while, so he introduced himself. He gave me two names that weren’t even slightly related and I’m still not sure which was his actual name. Think of him saying something like, “My name is Deacon but you can call me Lee.”

For the purpose of this story, we’ll go with Lee. 

He tried to shake my hand but I said no because I’d been traveling and just wanted to be respectful towards his health. This was true, but also I feel like I just haven’t had human contact with strangers in so long I was caught off-guard. But, he understood. He asked me where I’d flown in from, I said Atlanta (which was true). Then, why I was in Arizona, I said some friends and I were getting together for one of their birthdays (which was not true) and I was in charge of getting some things for the first night. I was NOT about to tell some guy I didn’t know that I was traveling alone. 

Eventually, as it always happens, he asked for my number. And as usual, I gave him my fake one. He finally walked away to find his friend and I timed my exit from the grocery store perfectly. I had noticed that he’d already texted me, but I don’t text and drive. Plus, I wanted to wait until I was back and settled in the hotel before I answered.

When I did answer an hour or two later, he said he thought that I was already ghosting him. Great. Y’all know how much I love a guy who can’t handle if a girl doesn’t immediately respond. Then he asked how I’m single, because I seem like a “beautiful, intelligent, ambitious girl.” Which is true. But I’d forgotten that I mentioned something to him about looking at law schools, so it kind of creeped me out at first that he somehow knew all of this. But points for the compliment regardless. 


Lee started trying to hang out VERY quickly. Which, I get, because he’s also not from Arizona. He actually lives in California, but he’s a personal trainer (what is it with me and personal trainers??) and has some clients in the area that he comes out to visit. But Lee was with friends. Obviously, I couldn’t hang out with them when I said I was also with a group but actually didn’t know anyone out there. At least not that wanted to hang out with me. The first night, I said we were just chilling at the hotel. He asked what the plans for the weekend were and I said it was up the birthday girl. 

Over the weekend, Lee just did NOT get that I wasn’t interested. Maybe I shouldn’t have given him my number if I wasn’t interested. But at the time I did think it might be nice to make a friend while I was out there. Plus it just wasn’t a super comfortable position to be in and say no. But Lee kept saying that he just “wanted to have fun.” So it became pretty clear to me why he was so insistent on hanging out. Like, calling me four times in a row kind of insistent. And that’s just not my style.

The next night, I had plans to go out to dinner. But, the place I chose had a super long wait so I went back to my hotel. When he asked what we were doing, I just said we had dinner plans but might go out later. Then I ignored his texts for the rest of the night because he kept asking me if we wanted to pregame with them. I haven’t pregamed since college, so at this point I started to question how old he was. 

The Full Moon (in Libra) in question.

The next day, I told him we weren’t huge club people and that we were more dinner people. Then he sort of invited himself to our next dinner in a roundabout way, so I knew to avoid that topic for the rest of the day. He did ask me some questions about myself, which was nice I guess. I did learn that we are the same age, but he kept using the wrong “your/you’re” form. That’s a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I managed to avoid the going-out topic in that conversation, which again you’d think he’d have taken as a signal. But no. 

I had already decided to extend my stay, but no way was I telling him that. As far as he knew, I was leaving Monday so on Sunday, he was REALLY trying to get together. At this point, I asked some friends on Instagram which approach I should take – honest truth that I just wasn’t interested in hanging out, or honest truth that I’m super into crystals and energies and had to do my full moon ritual that night. They chose the second option. 

So I told him that my friends and I had to get ready for the full moon that evening. I thought about milking it more and mentioning a sacrifice or something really weird – one of my friends suggested I say we were hoping for better harvests, I was thinking saying that we’d also be manifesting fertility – but I decided to leave it as a vague “are they a witch coven or just weird?” interpretation. 

I thought that would be it. But no. Later that day, he responded asking me what the ritual was. I told him, and STILL not getting it. He asked me if we could talk more about it. At that, I just stopped responding. If you’re not going to get the picture, not my problem. I really thought that the “she might be a witch” stuff would do it, but Lee was determined. 

Points for persistence?

At least I learned that grocery store meetings are possible, though. And that I’ve still got it even when wearing dirt colored pants and smelling like a rental car. My friends are all in agreement that I’m the only person they know who’d go to a grocery store in a completely different state and meet a guy who asked for my number, and then have to pretend to be in a witch coven to get rid of. I think that’s accurate. It looks like the Universe isn’t quite done with giving me blog material just yet. 

But to end on a happy note, I did finally release a lot of the stagnant energy and hurt and feelings I was still holding onto from my experience last year while I was there, and I finally feel like I’ve learned all the lessons I was meant to learn from that. My friend said that when that happens, it means the Universe is getting ready to send someone new into your life and that it’ll be a positive experience… so who knows, hopefully one of my next few posts will be about the grocery store meet-cute that I really want. 

Chapter 39: The Disappearing Act

Hello, friends! Sorry for the unexpected hiatus. I had another shortage of material and then a crazy week so I’m a bit behind.
Speaking of unexpected disappearances, that brings me to this week’s post. Let me introduce you to Mac, yet another Bumble-bust.

Hello, friends! Sorry for the unexpected hiatus. I had another shortage of material and then a crazy week so I’m a bit behind.


Speaking of unexpected disappearances, that brings me to this week’s post. Let me introduce you to Mac, yet another Bumble-bust. 

Mac seemed nice on paper. He has a good job, just bought a new place, and seemed to have his shit together. Overall, a fun guy. 

Even though he’s a self-proclaimed ginger, and save for a very brief Ron Weasley phase, the only ginger I’ve ever been attracted to is Prince Harry circa 2014, he was funny. If you know me, you know that looks are definitely not everything to me. But, personality is, so I was excited to get to know him. 

So far, I was enjoying talking to him. Even if I wasn’t anywhere near the point of knowing whether or not it was going to go anywhere, Mac definitely seemed like the type of guy I’d want to be friends with. And no, that’s not me instantly friend-zoning him. I’m just stating a fact. 

We started off chatting on Bumble, and things were going pretty well. We had similar taste in music, movies, and general hobbies. He’s close with his family, and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. He didn’t judge me for saying that Twizzlers are my favorite candy. Plus, he balanced being on the “flirty but not sexual” line very well. Mac just seemed like a cool guy. 

After a while of talking on Bumble, we transitioned to text. He asked for my number, but made it clear I wasn’t obligated to do so if I wasn’t comfortable with that. I respect and appreciate that. I almost gave him my real number, but at the last minute decided to stick with Google Voice. Just in case, you know? 

Over text, we talked even more. He definitely seemed to have a good sense of humor and knew how to make fun of himself without making it sound like he’s just fishing for compliments. That’s something I rarely find in men, so it was a definite plus. I’m very attracted to men who know that they’re human and don’t take themselves too seriously. But, I also can’t stand when guys constantly put themselves down JUST to get me to compliment them. Confident but not arrogant, basically. 

Also, speaking of compliments, he almost immediately complimented my smile and my eyes. I personally think they’re my most attractive features. But, I feel like at least on dating apps, it’s usually a body part on my lower body that gets the most attention and compliments. Itt was nice to know that he was actually looking at my face in the photos. 

Another factor that’s very important to me with a future significant other is that they understand, appreciate, and at least kind of share my obsession with Marvel movies. If you didn’t know, I’m a huge superhero fan. My brother and I have seen almost every single MCU movie together. We always go within days of it being released, if not opening night. The few exceptions are when I was studying abroad – my brother waited for me to get home from Italy so we could see “Iron Man 3” together – “Dr. Strange,” and I think maybe one other movie. It’s a tradition for us (and always will be) so I need someone who understands why that’s a big thing to me and gets just as excited about new movies and TV shows as I do. Mac did. 

He also was fascinated that I used to work at Disney. He said loves the parks and the whole Disney-vibe. That’s another dealbreaker for me – you don’t need to be quite as big of a Disney fanatic as I am, but at least like it. I also just like when people show interest in something that I’m clearly very excited about talking about. He also told me he’d take me to a bar or somewhere to watch a Bruins game so I can finally understand more than the very basic rules of hockey. He’s a big hockey guy, so I thought that would be perfect.

So far, it seems like things were going fairly well, right? Well, they were. After a bit of talking, he asked me if I’d be up for going out with him that weekend, and I said yes. And not just because I needed material – I genuinely wanted to meet him in person and see what I thought. We picked a day and a general idea of where we’d meet. It seemed like things were on track for us to meet.


The Disappearance

And then, nothing. We had plans to meet Thursday after work. The Sunday before, we were having a great conversation about wines. Monday, I asked how his day was. Silence. I figured, it’s Monday, maybe a rough day, no worries. So I let it slide. Wednesday, I asked him if we were still on for the next day. More silence. By Thursday, I basically had a deadline that if he hadn’t said anything to me by noon, I wasn’t going out with him.

When noon came and went, I figured I should at least notify him that I was about to ghost him – karma, and all that – and pretty much just said that I wasn’t sure what happened, but no worries, and best of luck. It was like he’d disappeared into thin air – one minute he was there, having a great chat, next thing you know… poof. 

I wasn’t upset about it, really. I mean, I didn’t even know him yet. But it was just really strange. Considering on that same day, or maybe the day before, I had another Bumble match cancel our Friday date because he found my blog (yes, seriously) I thought that maybe Mac had found it, too. But he didn’t seem like the type to get worked up about it, so that didn’t seem right. I thought maybe he’d tried to do some social media stalking and couldn’t. He didn’t have my real number, maybe he thought I was catfishing him. I definitely like to give people the benefit of the doubt and make excuses for their behavior, clearly. (And you wonder why I’ve been in so many toxic relationships.) 

For a hot second, I did think about saying something a little bit spicier about how it’s rude to ghost people. Then I watched that Netflix movie “Desperados” and thought maybe he’d been in an accident like the guy in that movie. So I didn’t even bother. But, it was weird. I had gone from having 3 dates scheduled that weekend to 1 – and I ended up canceling it because of the craziness of the past couple of weeks. 

So Mac was another bust. His loss, right? I did look up news reports that weekend just to satisfy my own curiosity and see if maybe something had happened to him, but I couldn’t find anything with the limited knowledge I had. My money is on him not being quite as easy-going as he seemed and finding my blog, or thinking I was catfishing when he couldn’t find my Snapchat or Instagram or anything with the phone number he had. 


Mini-Tangent Ahead

This brings me to my next point. I realize that my having this blog may deter some men. I knew that when I started this, and I did it anyway. And some of you know the details of the guy who canceled on me, but I’m not going to go into it on here because it’s not worth it. 

But I do wonder – do the guys who don’t (or won’t) like that I have this blog not realize that I only write about the crazy stories? I mean, how many people do you know that have had their date run off because of a ‘dying dolphin’? Or get sent photos of 9” long dildos at 6am? That’s funny!

Alstroemeria is the friendship flower. <3
Photo by Skylar Kang on Pexels.com

And if it’s not a crazy, funny story, it’s a “lesson learned” story. I’m trying to help girls (and guys) realize that they are not alone in the heartbreaks. They’re not the only girl who has been cheated on, or (unknowingly) cheated with. They’re not the only girl who’s had a guy make them feel like they’re nothing more than a body. I’m not afraid to own up when I make a mistake or have some sort of lapse in judgment in a relationship. Those are real human feelings that happen to EVERYONE. Yes, this is cathartic and fun for me, but I do it more in hopes that maybe I’m helping one person out there realize that they’re not alone in the way that they feel. 

To be honest, I have a lot more that I could say about that matter in general, but again, not worth it. Really, if there’s any guy – past, present, or future – who judges me because of this, it’s a bullet dodged. Whether it’s because of the knowledge that they’ll probably end up doing something that’ll put them on it, or some sort of sexist/misogynistic view, if they want to take themselves out of the running, be my guest. 

Moving on!


Pandemic Dating

I’m going to be honest, y’all. Dating has sucked lately. I’ve been open-minded, and I’m still very optimistic and hopeful that I’m going to meet someone amazing soon, but it’s been nearly impossible to find a decent guy on the apps lately. I even upgraded my Bumble account for a month to see if that helped. Nope.

In the past few months, I think there’s been maybe one guy that I’ve been at least somewhat excited about. He turned out to be a major workaholic so I accepted a while ago that the chances of him making an effort to meet me are slim to none. No offense, but I feel like if you’re not going to put in any effort, you shouldn’t be on an app saying you’re looking for a relationship.

I feel like I do better in person anyway. I’ve never thought I was going to meet the love of my life on an app (okay, maybe once). There’s definitely some sort of organic, natural meet-cute in my future. But with the way Boston is right now, it’s been extremely difficult to meet anyone. I’m running out of stories because I haven’t been on a date in forever, I haven’t been able to go out and meet people in normal environments. Not even friends – I finally resorted to Bumble BFF.  Overall, and I know I’m not alone with this, it’s just kind of been not very fun.

Maybe I’m the only one who saw the masterpiece that is the Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor movie, but the scene where she’s just yelling that she’s “so bored” has been an accurate representation of my feelings towards my love/social life lately. I need some excitement. So I’m going to make a conscious effort to go find some, regardless of the circumstances of my city’s rules. But still staying safe, obviously. 


So that brings us to the end of this week’s chapter. Will I be back next week? I honestly don’t know yet, if I have some inspiration then yes, if not, then stay tuned for whatever excitement I’m able to find and create for myself soon.

In the meantime, I hope everyone is staying happy, healthy, and safe! Sending you all the positive vibes!

P.S. What do you think of the redesign? Let me know!

Chapter 38: The Actor

Don’t judge me, but back in the day, I was VERY into “Teen Wolf.” And by ‘back in the day,’ I mean five years ago.

I’d like to say that I was mostly interested in it because Tyler Hoechlin is a beautiful man, which is true. Or, because I fell for Dylan O’Brien’s comedic timing, which is also true. But, really, I’m just a nerd who was very into supernatural-like shows (including “Supernatural” itself… still crying over that finale). 

In any case, when I went to Orlando for my first college program and discovered that my neighbor turned best friend, Tanner, was also a big “Teen Wolf” fan, I was very excited. We talked about it. We watched it. It was just one of the many things we were able to bond over throughout our program.


The day that we discovered that Orlando would be hosting a Teen Wolf convention at a nearby Sheraton – appropriately called BeaCON Chills – we were over the moon. We immediately bought basic tickets (Disney doesn’t pay a lot, okay?) and were thrilled to go. We requested different work schedules and everything. Dedication. 

The first day, we got there early to scope out the hotel. This proved to be a great idea because after taking weird videos in the hallways, we hung out in the lobby. There, we were able to meet and get photos with Dylan Sprayberry and Arden Cho by ‘casually’ bumping into them while they were checking in. I think that’s also how we met Eaddy Mays. 

Once we got registered, we were invited into the main room where most of the events would be held. It was around this point that the organizers – and the actors – realized that BeaCON Chills was not going to be as popular as they might have hoped. So essentially, it pretty quickly turned into a pretty low-key event. The actors just kind of hung out with the barely a dozen or so of us that decided to attend. 

Also, to be clear, none of the official “main characters” were there. It was Arden, Dylan, and Eaddy, who all played minor or supporting roles. Also, one of the main character’s dads (Sheriff Stilinski/Linden Ashby), the actor who played the lacrosse coach, another supporting side character that Tanner had the hots for, and another actor that was on the show for only a bit. He is the main subject of this story. 

I’m still going to give him a fake name because that’s kind of my thing at this point, but I’m fully aware that y’all can just Google this and find out who it is. But, he’s a twin, a few years older than me, and he was also on “Desperate Housewives.” I’m going to call him Ed. 

Ed is pretty attractive. Maybe more so to the sexually repressed virginal version of myself that I was at this time, versus my perception of his looks today. So being the person I am, always looking to go big or go home, and forever on the hunt for an entertaining story, I decided pretty quickly that my mission for the weekend was to lose my virginity to him. I had realized by that time that the whole “waiting for marriage” thing was not going to pan out for me like I’d planned. But, I hadn’t gotten involved with Christian just yet, so this seemed like the perfect opportunity. 

To be fair, this wasn’t a completely baseless decision. There was some definite sexual tension with me and Ed. 

For instance, when we first got there and the organizers realized it was going to be a small group, for the ‘kickoff’ event they basically just had us all sit in a circle and talk to the actors. I ended up right next to Ed. I could tell that the other girls were a bit jealous about this, but I was actually pretty chill about it. At the end of the day, he’s just a human. Really, I don’t get very starstruck for even A-List people, and I think he was into that.

I don’t remember what, but at one point he said something kind of sassy to me. So I told him he was an asshole. It looked like the other girls were going to kill me the way they looked at me. But he thought it was funny, he laughed. Then we all got talking about horoscopes and star signs, and he told me to guess his sign. I guessed he was a Virgo, and he went, “I’m definitely not a Virgo” and winked. To that, I rolled my eyes. Again, he thought it was funny that I was clearly not fawning over him like he was probably used to. He also would occasionally touch my arm or something. So, again, mild sexual tension.


Tanner and I had a great time at the convention. There was a really fun scavenger hunt, lots of Q&As, and just some fun times. There was one day where for extra money you could go to this separate room and take a bunch of pictures with them. But we didn’t have money for it. So instead, we hung out in the other room. We took selfies saying, “Help us, we’re poor,” and tagging them in it. One of the actresses thought this was hilarious, and ended up inviting us in anyway. I’m pretty sure this was another moment where everyone who actually paid more hated us. 

Lol at me giving “Tanner” a fake name and then putting a picture of him on here.

Tanner went to more of the events then I did because I refused to call out of work for it. On one of the days Linden Ashby found out I wasn’t there because I didn’t want to call out of work. Everyone knew we were a package deal, so they’d all been asking for me. When I got there later in the day, he told me he was proud of me. He’s like, TV Dad goals, so that was pretty amazing. He said this to me during the Halloween party night where I was Ariel and literally wearing nothing but a mostly sheer green skirt and a purple bra. This costume was mostly done to make progress on my mission, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The biggest bit of progress I had was one day where they had a break between panels. During it, I went up to Ed and told him that I was really cold, and asked if he was going back to his hotel room at all. When he said yes, I told him to bring me back a jacket. He said he would. 

But he forgot. He did go up to his room, but forgot to grab me a jacket. So when the panel resumed, I asked him where my jacket was. He felt so bad for forgetting that he literally jumped off the stage and came over and took the jacket he was wearing off to put it on me. The other girls there swooned. 

I, of course, went to the bathroom and took a lot of selfies wearing this jacket. Then I had a great idea that I probably stole from an outdated “Seventeen” article. I’d put my phone in the pocket. Then, when I gave it back to him at the end of the day I’d ‘forget’ to take it out of the pocket. This would force him to have to figure out how to get it back to me.

This failed. The second I gave it back to him he was like, “Uh, you forgot your phone.” So that was a bust, but I was kind of proud of my attempt. 

Other than that, he was actually really nice. I told him that I’d wanted to be an actress when I was younger and he gave me some solid advice about how to break into it if I ever decided to pursue it. He even followed me on Twitter so I had a way to get in touch with him if I had more questions. 

By the last day, I knew I was running out of time with my mission. Hence my very slutty mermaid Halloween costume. I looked cute, though. To be honest, I’m pretty sure my tactic for seducing him (besides my clothing) was basically just like, existing. I was in WAY over my head. At this point, all I’d ever done was kiss, and he could probably tell. I mean, I remember when I told Christian I was a virgin like it was some big secret. Instead, he laughed because it was so blatantly obvious. Ed seems like a decent person and not a self-proclaimed virginity collector like some people I know. So, that was probably was a turn-off instead of a turn-on. Which is understandable. Can’t fault him for that. 

The photo that got us into the VIP photo session.

My last attempt was at the farewell event which was basically a very awkward dance party. I invited a friend of mine from work, Courtney, which was fun. She taught me how to do the Bernie (remember when that was a thing?). But alas, no progress was made that night other than him signing my shirt. He started doing autographs and I couldn’t find any paper, so he offered to sign my shirt instead. (It seemed cool at the time.) So I ended that night, and a week of being one of the more normal ones at a “Teen Wolf” convention, still holding that V-card.

I’m pretty sure he was also dating a girl from the show at the time. That also probably contributed to the fact that the mild sexual tension never went any further. Again, decent person. We had like one Twitter message conversation a while after that, but then I deleted that account.

Tanner thinks I should just send this to him but I’m (fortunately or unfortunately, I can’t decide) kind of losing my crazy streak. So I feel like I’ll just keep this one to myself. 


So, that’s the story of my failed attempt to lose my virginity to a supporting actor at a fucking “Teen Wolf” convention. Which was held at a very touristy Sheraton. Clearly, I had low standards at the time. Considering how I did end up losing my virginity, and who it was to, unfortunately my standards did not raise much in the few months after that. Seriously, Madeline, a Macaroni Grill was your idea of a romantic date? But, fortunately, I have a great sense of humor. And, I realized that it was not nearly as big of a deal as I made it out to be at the time. 

I would love to run into Ed again someday just for the fun of it. Especially because now that I think about it, he owes me a game of “Guitar Hero.” But for now, I get to have the memories of a very strange but entertaining convention, and an amazing week with my best friend. 

Chapter 36: Questions & Answers

Hello again, friends! Welcome back to another week. It feels so good to be writing again, and I’m especially excited for this week’s chapter.

A little while ago, I asked my friends on Instagram to ask me some dating and sex-related questions that I could answer on my blog, and they delivered. So while I won’t have one specific story for you this week, I’ll be sharing some extra information with y’all throughout my answers. So sit back, relax, and enjoy.


1. What are your top three deal breakers on a first date?

This is a good question, and very easy for me to answer. I have misophonia. It basically means that certain sounds trigger me in a way that might seem unreasonable, but I literally cannot control how much I can’t stand them. It’s a thing, look it up. The BIGGEST trigger for my misophonia is loud chewing. I absolutely cannot stand it. I thought about going to see “A Quiet Place” in the theater until I saw a whole bunch of people with misophonia saying it was basically torture. All they could concentrate on was people eating popcorn loudly. Some things are crunchy, sure, but excessive crunching, mouth/lip noises, it’s a huge no from me. That will not be the soundtrack to the rest of my life. So that’s my number one.

My second one would be people who are rude to the waiter/waitress, or anyone in the service industry. It’s a huge turn-off and 100% not the kind of person I want to be with. I’d say my third is smoking because that’s a big deal breaker for me, but I’m usually good about screening them out before I even get on a date with them. Instead, I’ll say cockiness. I love a confident and ambitious guy, but if they cross that line into “cocky” territory, they’re out. 

2. Do you listen to Call Her Daddy? How do you feel about it?

A friend of mine did tell me to listen to it so I did for awhile, then I got out of it. Honestly I just couldn’t stand their voices. I did start listening again recently. I like listening to podcasts while I’m working and I didn’t feel like searching for another one. While it is pretty funny – and I will give them some credit for sort of inspiring me to start this – I’m not a huge fan. Beyond the whole Alex / Sofia drama, they’re both narcissists and promote some extremely toxic behaviors that I can’t justify. So I listen to it for the funny stories and sex tips more than actually trying to be a “Daddy” or taking any of their advice seriously.

I’ve also heard that Alex isn’t as funny without Sofia or her ghostwriter so I probably won’t continue listening past The Funeral. But like I said, it is entertaining I just don’t get all the hype. Then again maybe I’m just bitter. I sent in a recording to be a guest co-host when they were advertising that – because I am all about taking advantage of opportunities to promote myself (wait, am I a narcissist?) – and they never even sent me a generic email response.

3. If you could sleep with any celebrity, who would it be?

Look at that face.

Another easy (but good) question – Liam Hemsworth, 100%. I am in love with him.

4. What’s the weirdest thing a guy has asked you to do?

I’ve probably been asked to do some weird things that I’m not remembering, but really only one comes to mind. I don’t think I talked about this in the post, but The Area Manager asked me if I’d let him pee on me. We were talking about if we had any kinks and if so, what they were. He told me that that’s his biggest one and he’s never had a girl let him do that (gee, I wonder why?). So he asked if I would. In this same conversation he was also confessing to engaging in some pretty odd sexual acts, so I guess at the time I just felt like the pee-thing was relatively tame based on his past experiences, so I was just kind of like, “Probably not,” and moved on.

Actually, I think I told him that since we still had plans to go to the beach at that time, maybe I’d get stung by a jellyfish. Then he could live out his dream that way since everyone pees in the ocean anyway (don’t act like you don’t), and then told him that in any other situation, that would be a no, and I changed the subject.

5. Why should someone have a healthy sex life?

I think it’s super important to have a healthy sex life! It’s so good to get in touch with yourself and learn what you like. Plus there are studies all the time telling us how it’s good for your physical and mental health to have frequent sex. But beyond the obvious benefits, I think it’s important to (1), get in touch with your own sexuality and understand how you relate to it and feel about it, (2), embrace your sexuality and know that it doesn’t make you a bad person (got to love that Catholic-guilt), and (3), find someone who loves that aspect of you as much as you do.

Coming from someone who felt very sexually repressed (mostly my own doing) for most of my formative years, I can honestly say that taking the time to evaluate your relationship with your own sexuality and feelings towards sex is crucial to actually enjoying it. It’s an important way to express intimacy and feel close to someone. But mostly, get more in touch with yourself and find even more things to love about your absolutely amazing self.

6. What’s your go-to post-sex snack?

You know I don’t really know that I have one? But I guess it would be the same as my go-to drunk snack. Which is essentially any combination of carbs and cheese. Nachos, mozzarella sticks… something along those lines. Or maybe something sweet . Pierre gave me macarons from Laduree (my absolute favorite), and I’m pretty sure I’ve made myself sugar cookies on at least one or two occasions. 

7. What are your thoughts on lingerie?

I love lingerie! It makes me feel so fancy! If only guys appreciated it as much as I do. I think I’ve been with two guys that actually appreciated my lingerie and weren’t just like, “Cool, can you take it off now?” Sometimes I wear it at home for myself because it makes me feel extra confident and sexy. I think it’s pretty and can be so empowering, even when I’m just wearing it for myself.

I have a couple of cute sets from Adore Me, but honestly most of mine is from Amazon. These are my favorite sets (one, two, three). They were purchased for a photoshoot I did but ended up not needing them. I feel like because I’m single and don’t wear it a lot, it’s not worth spending too much on it. But when I find a guy who appreciates it and whisks me off to Paris every other month, maybe I’ll splurge on some La Perla. 

8. What’s your favorite sex toy?

Believe it or not I’m not a huge fan of sex toys. Christian bought me my first couple of toys, – one I left on his car one of the many times I was mad at him, and the other I threw out. I love going to sex toy stores, though, because I think it’s entertaining and very eye-opening. I’ve brought a couple of friends to ones for the first time. Including the time my roommate and I got lost on the bad side of Orange Blossom Trail at midnight.

But the one sex toy that I can honestly give a great review is the Womanizer. There are lots of different versions. I think I just have the classic. One of my friends from work came in one day talking about how amazing it was. She talked about it all day so I gave in and decided to try it out.

9. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done for a guy? The most romantic?

Craziest thing I’ve done FOR a guy or TO a guy? Because those would be two different answers. 

For, I would say lying to my family about “getting coffee” so that I could make a 30 minute drive in 23 minutes trying to cross “Australian” off my list only to get stood up by Bruce. And then buying tickets to another one of his shows just to fuck with him a little. 

To, well, I do always say I’m a “slow simmering 2, ready to boil up to 10 at any moment” when it comes to the Crazy Scale. I could probably do a whole chapter on all the times I’ve been a bit crazy. I would say the top three craziest things I’ve done are: (1) having a stakeout with my best friend where I left eggs on Christian’s windshield (so he knew I could have egged his car), a vibrator on his car door, and a pair of underwear on his front door, and then calling him repeatedly, (2) Venmoing Al asking to pay me back for birth control months after he ghosted me and then talking to his parents when I saw him at work, or (3) meeting a guy in a Best Buy parking lot so I could tell if I felt comfortable going to his place. 

Most romantic thing I’ve ever done? Definitely fly across the country to spend the weekend with a guy I’d only met once, but we all know how that ended up

Also as a total aside, for some reason this question made me realize I’ve never talked about how I tried to lose my virginity to an actor at a Teen Wolf Convention (I feel like I was **THIS** close). That will definitely be an upcoming chapter. 

10. How do you feel about PornHub? What about OnlyFans?

I don’t really watch porn. It’s too long, the guys are never hot (RIP Tumblr porn gifs, you are missed), and the baby-feminist in me can’t get past how the women are treated. So I don’t really have strong feelings on PornHub in that respect. However, on a serious note I do know that they don’t do a very good job of moderating their videos. I don’t want to get into details because I know they could be triggering for a lot of people, so you can do the research yourself. But I think that if you’re going to run a site like that you have a responsibility to keep children, assault victims, and sex workers safe. 

OnlyFans, I don’t really know too much about it. I know what it is and the basic premise but I’m not positive I fully understand how it works. Maybe I’m just overthinking it. I know Bella Thorne and all the ‘celebrities’ who hopped on there suck. But, I think human bodies are beautiful. I don’t think that there should be ANY shame in choosing to share it if you feel comfortable with doing so. So long as it’s safe. Have I thought about starting one from time to time? Yes. Especially during the worst parts of the pandemic where this girl needed some $$, but I don’t think it’s for me. But more power to anyone who does!

11. Does your family know about and read your blog?

My family knows about it. I think I told my dad about it but I don’t remember. My mom reads it (hi, mom) even though she knows pretty much everything on here already since I tell her everything. I know my grandma reads it, she thinks it’s hilarious. I’m pretty sure a couple of my aunts read it as well. But my brother and my dad are forbidden from reading it. I sent one chapter to my brother but told him that was the only one he’s allowed to read.

12. What’s the worst sex you’ve ever had?

My dream.

This is kind of tough because I’ve been lucky to never have had truly awful sex. Gut reaction, I’d say Chad not because he’s bad necessarily but just because I really don’t think I was in the right headspace at the time. I also don’t think we really had good chemistry, nor were we really working as a team. When I really think about it, though, I’d have to say Christian. Again, not that he’s bad but I think at the time I built him up SO much. I didn’t really have anything to compare him to, and now that I do I realize it wasn’t anything very exciting or memorable. Plus, I’ve had much more fun with guys who actually listened to what I did and didn’t want to do. And didn’t make me feel bad if I wasn’t up for performing that day. 

13. What hasn’t a man swooped you up yet? You’re a CATCH.

Easily my favorite question here. I DON’T KNOW! I always tell myself that God just has someone so incredibly amazing for me that it wouldn’t be fair if I’d had good relationships in the past, too. But being totally honest, I think I really needed some time to myself. I needed to figure out why I wanted a relationship, what I was looking for, and what I could bring to the table beyond great baking abilities and lots of dad jokes. For a long time I was definitely wanting a boyfriend for the wrong reasons. I was lonely or I wanted to be validated or make someone jealous. But I’ve done a lot of work on myself and grown a lot. I dated myself and all that good stuff, so I definitely feel like I’m in the right place to be in a HEALTHY relationship for the first time ever.

Now it’s just a matter of finding someone, which if my Bumble and Tinder accounts are accurate does not seem super promising. There are not many suitable options there. If the world could just open up again so that I can meet someone amazing in real-life, that would be great. I know he’s out there!


Well, that’s it for today, y’all! I hope you enjoyed this one and if you ever have any other questions you want to see answered, feel free to send them my way. I am clearly an open-book. Have a great week! Be safe!

Chapter 33: The Repeat

Take two.

Have you ever matched with someone on an app, and then had them stop talking to you, and then somehow rematched with them later on? That recently happened to me. 

When I saw Naveen’s profile on Bumble a couple of months ago, my first impression was that he was really cute, and seemed very put together! He was also holding a super cute puppy in his main picture and just overall looked like a cool guy from the rest of his profile. 

So, since it was Bumble and I had to start the conversation, I opened up with what I thought was a cute line. I figured that if we hit it off, he could be fun to go out with. I told him that the puppy in his picture was the second cutest thing I’d seen all day, and when he asked what the first was, I said that he was.

And, crickets. 

Naveen did not answer. Side note, I get SO frustrated when that happens regardless of what the opening line was – just in general, like where do these guys go after they swipe right? So many times I’ve matched with a guy, sent him the opening message soon after, and then the match expires because he just doesn’t answer in time – but like, he had to have been on recently for us to have matched? Are they robots? Were they abducted? I don’t know, it’s just annoying.

In any case, Naveen didn’t answer but I figured maybe he was busy so I let it go and went about my day. Well, days. Finally, I figured I needed to clean out my matches that were not going anywhere so I tried one more time with Naveen and still, no answer. So I unmatched him. 


I went off of Bumble for a bit after that because I was getting ready for the LSAT and really focused on studying at that time, and then I had a friend in town, so I just wasn’t as active. But then I decided to go back on just to kill some time and after swiping for a bit, guess who popped up again? Naveen. 

I decided to swipe right on him again just to see what happened, and I was surprised to see that we managed to match again! This time, I tried a different tactic with my opening line and challenged him to show me the last photo in his camera roll on his phone, and he did. I wouldn’t have been surprised if after that he disappeared again like last time, but he didn’t. This time, he was actually very chatty.

As we talked, I realized we had a good amount in common and he seemed very engaged which was quite a shift from last time. We exchanged numbers (well, he did, I gave my fake number) and eventually Instagram usernames (which is basically second base I think) and have been chatting since then. 


Of course, like most guys I’ve experienced on dating apps, he seems keen on trying to get things to go in a sexual direction with our conversations but I quickly change the subject and he goes with it, so I feel like maybe he just thinks that’s what girls are into? I don’t know – it’s definitely like an orange flag and something I’m keeping in mind, but not completely cutting him out. Mainly because I’m running out of stories on here and need to go out on some more dates to get more material. 

But also, he’s offered to cook for me, and he’s currently on a vacation that I’m VERY jealous of but he said he’d take me sometime, so I have to give him some points for that. He also kind of looks like he might actually be royalty or something with how well he dresses and just his overall demeanor from what I’ve seen. Does anyone remember that TLC show, “Secret Prince”? Maybe they brought it back. 

I haven’t told him yet that we already matched, and I’m wondering if he recognizes me from the first time around. So far I don’t think so. I’m waiting for the perfect moment to remind him that we already matched once but I didn’t like his lack of responsiveness. I honestly didn’t even know that you could rematch with somebody, but now I know. 

In any case, I’ve yet to meet Naveen but I’m hoping to do so soon (once he returns from his trip and I know he doesn’t have COVID). But, he seems somewhat promising. Maybe it’s really the second time that’s the charm. 

Chapter 31: The Werewolf

I know what you are…

After only a few days on Tinder, I matched with a guy that I’ll call Jacob. Just before matching with him, though, my friend Mary had sent me a funny story about a girl who only talked to her matches in “Twilight” quotes. Given that I was reading “Midnight Sun” (please tell me I’m not the only one) and have been reliving my high school days of being obsessed with the books and movies, I thought that this was hilarious. So we decided that the next match I had, I would try that.


Jacob was the next guy I matched with, so he was the lucky man that got to be on the receiving end of some weird messages. 

I opened with the classic, “You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you.” And it went from there. Jacob was a very good sport about it, and when he asked where I lived and I replied, “Forks, Washington,” he got instant bonus points for answering with an amazing pun and saying, “Get the Fork out of here with that.” 

Finally, I told him what I’d been doing and he thought it was pretty funny. Apparently, it didn’t scare him off at all that I was quoting a book I read when I was 16, and he was still into me, so we continued talking. 

After a couple of days, Jacob asked me when we could get together and I said I wasn’t sure, but maybe that night if he was around. He had a different idea and wanted to meet earlier. He offered to come over and hang out on his lunch break in just a little bit. But, me being the crime junkie I am, I don’t let random people come over so I asked if we could meet in public first. Apparently, he was very anxious to meet with me so he suggested that we FaceTime instead. 

So, right after I got back from my run that morning, we FaceTimed and talked for a little bit before I took a shower and he got ready to come over on his lunch break that day. I decided that he wasn’t giving off serial killer vibes or any other kind of red flag, so I sent him my address. He came over, we hung out for a bit, and then he left. It was probably one of the weirdest and most random “first meetings” I’ve had – except for when I met The Bartender at a Best Buy parking lot, but it was also very enjoyable.

He told me that he’d always wanted a friend with a swanky apartment, so we should hang out again soon, and I agreed. It was also good timing because I’d just made my apple cider cakes and needed someone to share them with so they didn’t go bad. However, part of my plan with sharing them with him was that I was hoping he’d put the cake pans back up for me because they go in a cabinet that I can’t reach without a step ladder, and he’s very tall, but of course I forgot to ask him. I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t put a couple of tasks aside because I’m definitely hoping I can charm him to help me with them next time he comes over. 

Photo by Vincent Peters on Pexels.com

Honestly, he’s a really fun guy and extremely funny. He seems very genuine, too. We took turns showing off pictures of our nieces and bragging about them, and anyone who loves their nieces/nephews as much as I love mine is good in my book. He’s smart, has a good job, and kind of seems like a big teddy bear which is why I went with calling him Jacob over Edward – he definitely gives off more of a werewolf vibe than a vampire vibe. Considering that back in the height of my “Twilight” phase I was mostly Team Jacob, I’m perfectly happy with this. 


The second time we hung out, it was equally brief, but still fun. We’ve talked about our love of true crime and Netflix documentaries, another bonus in my book, and I think I might have finally found a man who loves pizza the way that I do. We actually have a good amount in common, too.

He sends me funny and actually kind of sweet snap chats. He’s been good so far about remembering details about me, and so far he hasn’t done anything to piss me off. All good signs. 

We have some of the weirdest hang outs, honestly. The most recent time I saw him was right after I took the LSAT. I was too tired to go out and I just wanted to enjoy not having anything to do, but I was bored and kind of lonely in the hotel I was staying at (I took the test in a hotel room and figured I’d stay the night), so he came over. He was so excited for me that I was done because he knows how hard I’ve been studying. He wished me luck and told me I was going to kill it like every day for the three days leading up to the test, which is a lot more than I can say for a good amount of people who’ve known me for way longer. 

We hung out and talked and enjoyed how comfy the hotel bed was, and it’s kind of funny too because I feel like he’s one of the few guys where I haven’t felt like I had to know EVERYTHING about him after a week, so I feel like every time I see him I learn more about him and he learns more about me, which is probably how it should be. This time we talked about our sometimes crazy families and how much we both love Thanksgiving. He also saw my stuffed sloth that I have and had brought with me (I just like cuddling, okay?) and got me to tell him all about my slightly-obsessive fascination with sloths. And he STILL wasn’t scared off. He actually seems very into my weirdness. I’m a fan. 

He actually did tell me that last time. When he saw the sloth and teased me about it for a second and I let it slip that I really love sloths, and still have sentimental stuffed animals, and admitted that that’s a little weird, he replied that he knows I’m kind of weird, he could tell right away, but that’s part of why he likes me. It’s nice to feel like I don’t have to hide my weirdness around him and I can just be myself and not be worried that my quirks will scare him off.


My old roommate in Orlando, Chelsea, is fascinated by this and is convinced we’re going to get married. She also thinks it’s amazing and a classic “only Madeline” thing that I would end up actually having some sort of thing with a guy that I started off with talking to only in “Twilight” quotes, and honestly I agree with her. Considering I recently had a guy from Tinder stop talking to me because I wouldn’t send him pictures of my vagina (true story) and another from Bumble tried to bait me into a political debate, I’ve obviously had guys ghost me for less weird things – or no reason at all. 

So, we shall see what happens with Jacob. I’m hoping I have more stories with him soon because he seems cool and like he could give me some more fun material. For now, I’m just hoping he doesn’t imprint on my unborn child. 

Chapter 30: Catfished, Part I – The Area Manager and The Size King

Where’s Nev when you need him?

The time has come for a new series, one that I’ll be calling “Catfished,” that is dedicated to all of the men who are not who they say they are – in some way or another – and that don’t fit into One Hit Blunders because I never even went on a date with them.

These are men who have ghosted me or just avoided actually meeting me, so even if they are who they say they are, I have to assume that they’re lying and that they catfished me which is why we never actually met or why they disappeared. 

By the way, before I go on, I’ve come to the conclusion that The Boyfriend was a major catfish.  To be fair, I’ve known that for a while but was still willing to meet and call him out in person (publicly)… but we never even got there. I thought we were finally getting somewhere in terms of actually meeting, and then he got weird on me again! I kept trying to video call him and he wouldn’t answer, and one time I asked for him to send me a photo of his face and he kept making up excuses. Finally, I told him that he was like Santa Claus and he asked me why and I said because I’ve never seen him so I have to just tell myself to believe that he’s real. He just laughed and that was the last time we spoke.

Anywho, in this chapter you get to meet two catfishing fellows – The Area Manager and The Size King. Again, one is set in Florida, and the other in Boston so you get a two-state experience again. Ready? Let’s go.


Back when my parents were helping me swipe on Bumble, I ended up matching with a guy I’ll call Max. He was very cute and had beautiful blueish green eyes, a nice smile, and was tall. He also didn’t look American and as you know I’m very into that, so we got to talking right away. 

Max is an area manager for Amazon, and he actually lives in Miami, but his family lives in the Sarasota area and he’s actually been actively looking to move to Bradenton and transfer his role to there, which is why he was looking in that area, too. 

We seemed to hit it off immediately. He even called me pretty early on just to say hi, which as you know I’m a sucker for a guy who likes phone calls, and I liked his voice. I found out that his name isn’t actually Max, his family is Ukrainian but he chose the name Max because he thought it was a good, strong name, and nobody could ever pronounce his Ukrainian name so he changed it. Ironically, it’s the same first name as The Semi-Date, so I actually did know how to pronounce it, but he told me just to call him Max.

We flirted, we talked, and he seemed like a decent guy! He very much had his shit together from what I could tell, he was funny, invested in our conversations, and kept begging me to not move back to Boston because he thought I was so “perfect” he would be devastated if I went back to Boston before we met. I told him that I’d make sure we met before then.

After a couple weeks of talking, he told me he’d be in town for the weekend and asked me if I wanted to go to the beach with him. Beaches were open by then, so I figured since it was outdoors that was probably safer, and it could be fun. I agreed, thinking that would be a fun first date, and I even bought a new bathing suit for it. 

When the day came, I told him to let me know when he woke up and to let me know what time he wanted to meet. And I never heard from him. All. Day. Long. I had already cleared my very busy schedule of baking, job hunting, and hanging out with my 3-year old niece for the day so I was kind of annoyed, but after a bit of waiting I just decided to call it a loss and move on with my day.

Finally, later that day he told me that his family had surprised him with a last-minute trip to Marco Island for his birthday. I thought that was sweet, so I went with it, and he apologized for leaving me hanging and promised to make it up to me the next time he was in town.

I think I had something going on the following weekend, so we didn’t make plans then, but we kept talking. This whole time, anytime he was in town but too busy for the beach or anything, he’d ask me if I wanted to meet somewhere and just make out in his car for a bit. Uh, no. 

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The next weekend, Max was in town again so we made tentative plans to finally meet up and go to the beach. Again, I told him to tell me what time he wanted to meet up and he said he’d call me after the gym. He didn’t. 

At this point, I was kind of worried that he might be dead or something, so I decided to Google him and make sure that he was who he said he was. At first, when I was just searching for his Snapchat name (I find that a lot of people use the same username for a LOT of different accounts) I was finding some weird Ukrainian or Russian forums, I don’t even know, I think some of it was very weird porn? I clicked out really fast. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was him, though, considering he did tell me that his biggest fetish is peeing on a girl. Don’t ask me how I meet these people because I don’t know either.

The thing is that his last name is really weird and even though one time I’d asked him to spell it out for me on the phone, I think I must’ve written it down incorrectly because I was still struggling to find him. Finally, I had a breakthrough and I found him. That is, I found his mugshot from when he was arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct.

So after that, I figured I’d cut my losses and delete him. I blocked him on Snapchat and carried on with my life but then, a bit later, I randomly get a WhatsApp message from him showing me the houses he’s looking at in Bradenton and saying that he wanted me to help decorate (I do love decorating) and I called him out on ditching me twice at that point and told him that I’d blocked him on Snapchat because of it, which he thought was funny.

Really though, Max just seemed sad that he never got to see me in my new bathing suit, which I mean I don’t blame him – I looked great in it – but also that’s not really what I’m looking for at this point and I still wasn’t into his car makeouts idea, so I just finished the conversation, it fizzled out, and I ended up back in Boston not too long after – still having no idea what he really liked look outside of the photos he’d sent me. Which leads me to my next story.


Being back in Boston, but still having most of the city under strict guidelines due to you-know-what, I decided to get back on Bumble and Tinder just to keep myself entertained. Since I wasn’t having any luck on EHarmony, (side note, they finally let me delete my account after I reported the guy who went and stalked me on LinkedIn – and now on Instagram AND Facebook, too – and gave me a partial refund), but I wanted to feel kind of social at least, so I figured trying them again couldn’t hurt. 

There was one profile of a guy, Don, who was very tall, in good shape, was wearing a suit, and seemed like he had a good sense of humor, so I swiped right. The only thing on his profile that gave me pause was where he asked, “Where my size queens at?” I’ve never heard that phrase, but I figured it had something to do with him liking girls who are “thicc” since that’s a thing, and I mean I’m considered “slim thicc” from what the young and hip kids have told me, so I figured that would suffice.

Don and I matched and got to chatting. After a bit of back and forth, he asked me if I’d read his profile. I said yes, and he said, “So you’re into that?” 

I had no clue what he was talking about, so I asked him to clarify. He asked me if I was a size queen. I told him I had no idea what that meant, but I thought it was about being thicc. He said no, that’s not what it means. 

Now, I was terrified at what I’d potentially gotten myself into so before he even said anything else I searched Urban Dictionary and found out that, according to them, a size queen is, “A person who will only accept larger than average penises in sexual partners.” About the same time that I read this, Don responded to me himself that that is what a size queen is. 

Well, now I was too deep into this conversation to back out, and very curious, so I asked him if that was the case with him and he said yes. He asked if I was into that, and I admitted that I wouldn’t know from experience, but I’m always up to try new things. 

Obviously, I was super curious as to how big he was but I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable so I didn’t ask. But then, he offered to show me. I told him only if he was comfortable, because I was intrigued, but didn’t want him to do anything he didn’t want to. He said he was happy to show me, so I gave him my Google voice number because he didn’t have Snapchat.

After our introductions over text, he asked me if I liked Trulys, and I said yes, and then he sent the picture. It was of his dick, obviously, held next to a can of Truly hard seltzer – I’m not even kidding. And while the first thing I noticed was that he’s not circumcised, I did realize after that that, yeah, it was very big. 

Once he was assured that he hadn’t totally scared me off (hey, I’m human) he offered to send more and I didn’t really answer because really one is enough, but he did want to see my tattoos so I sent him a photo (clothed) where he could see my tattoos. He did ask me for nudes at one point, but I told him I don’t do that with people I don’t know and that for now clothed was the only way he was getting photos of me, and he said that was fine.

Then Don just started sending me more dick pics. First was just it poking out of his pants, and from that angle I was kind of scared honestly, and then the next one – I kid you not – was him holding it next to a can of Rustoleum. They were the same size. I will never be able to look at Rustoleum the same ever again. But also, do you think he just walks around his house finding things to compare his dick to, or does he have a few go-tos that he just always has on hand? 

We flirted a lot, and besides the size thing he actually seemed funny and nice and smart, so I felt comfortable enough to consider planning a date with him. But when I asked him when we were going to meet and act on our flirtation and everything, he said that was a good question and asked when I was free. I told him, and he didn’t respond. 

After a few hours, I sent the upside down smiling face emoji because that’s kind of my thing when I’m trying to tell a guy, “Hey, you’re ignoring me but instead of calling you out on it I’m just going to send you an emoji.” Still nothing. The next morning, I realized that he had unmatched me on Tinder. 

When this happens, I assume one of three things – 1), they got back together with their ex or met someone else and are no longer looking, 2), they’re intimidated by my assertiveness/aggressive nature and don’t want to talk anymore, or 3), they’re a catfish and now that they got what they wanted from the conversation, he’s ready to move on. With Don, I’m betting option three.


Stay tuned because I’m sure I’ll have more Catfished stories soon, and next week, we’re back to our regularly scheduled program of guys I’ve been out with recently! You’ll be meeting my latest One-But Blunder, The Joker. Have a great week!

Chapter 27: The Runaway, Part II

Sometimes people come back into your life…

Sometimes men come back into your life right when you need a new story, and that’s what Elijah, The Runaway, did for me. 

If you don’t remember, Elijah was the guy from Orlando that I went out with last year, had a great time with at the arcade bar, but then on our second hangout he literally got up and walked out of my apartment without a word when he realized that I wasn’t going to put out that night. Here’s a refresher if you need it.

So, are you ready to hear about his reappearance into my life? Good, because I’m ready to tell you.


Not too long ago, I woke up to a text from Elijah simply saying, “Hey.” I was bored, so I responded, and he asked me if I was in Boston still, and I said yes. We started talking a bit, and eventually when I had the perfect moment to do so, I called him out on what he’d done to me a year before and asked if he was going to do that again. He said no, and he apologized for the way that he’d left things that night.  

We talked for a bit, and he really seemed to have changed. He seemed genuinely sorry for what had happened, and kept saying that he was surprised but very happy that I had even responded to him. I told him that while it sometimes bites me in the butt, I do try to give people two chances most of the time. But, after those two chances, you’re done. 


Ultimately, after talking for a bit and catching up, we made plans to hang out. Elijah is not the biggest movie buff, apparently, and he has a whole list of movies he’s never seen and was asking me for my favorite Halloween movie so he could add it to the list. Mine is the original “Friday the 13th,” and he said he’d never seen it. So, we decided that he’d come over and we’d watch it together and maybe I could help him cross some more movies off the list as time went on. 

He kept telling me how excited he was, and honestly, I was, too! I had really enjoyed my first date with him, and while in the moment I was too drunk and too focused on my hash browns, I was disappointed when he walked out on me. He was funny, we had a good time, and it wasn’t fun to have him disappear like that. I was really looking forward to getting together again. 


He came over a few nights later, and pretty quickly we picked things right back up where we left off. It wasn’t weird at all, and even though just to be safe I had my pepper spray in my pocket, I realized pretty quickly that I didn’t need it. I felt comfortable and safe, and it was really fun to just have someone to hang out with, joke around with, and cuddle. 

I made a bunch of chocolate chip cookies for him and opened up a bottle of wine, and after catching up for a bit, we started the movie. After a bit of watching, we ended up cuddling, which was totally fine with me. I’d told him going into the night not to expect anything, and he kept saying that he’d be happy even if he got to hold my hand. When I got scared, he hugged me, when he got scared, I hugged him, we laughed at the amazing fashion featured in the movie (apparently I have a thing for jorts?), and he got to cross a movie off of his list.

My cookies are better than these.
Photo by Oleg Magni on Pexels.com

While we were talking before the movie started, he was telling me a bit about some things he’s been working on in therapy, and explained how something they’d spoken about recently made him think of me, which is why he reached out. I don’t want to violate HIPAA and tell you what that is, but I thought it was sweet that he still thought about me and that I was the one that came to mind when he realized he needed to take some responsibility for things. He kept saying he was grateful I’d answered and that I’d invited him over, and I said there were no hard feelings – it was in the past, we can’t change it, we were both drunk, and it was okay. Let’s move on. 

After the movie, he started to give me a massage. He’d offered beforehand, and I’m never one to turn down a free massage, and he said like how I bake for people to show affection and appreciation, he offers massages. Plus, he wanted to show that he really did appreciate me forgiving him. The massage was amazing, and it definitely relaxed me even more, and it was just really nice to be close to someone again after almost 7 months of social distancing. After a bit, he asked if it was okay if he kissed me, and I said yes. 

We kissed, and after a bit, we decided to go into my room. I made it explicitly clear that we would NOT be having sex that night – I wasn’t ready, and it was not an option – and he kept saying that even by kissing me he’d already gotten to do more than he expected. We kept things pretty PG-13/high school for the most part, but it was actually kind of fun and very different from what I’m used to with guys trying to go straight to third base. 

We realized that the T was not running that late, and I didn’t want to make him get an Uber, and honestly I was happy to be borrowing some body heat from a human body and not my pillow so I said he could stay. He ended up spending the night, which was nice for me, the cuddle queen, and in the morning, I made waffles, we ate, and then he left.

While we were eating, I told him about my blog and that he was on it and he thought it was cool, and pretty funny, though I’m not sure he’s going to think it’s very funny now.


Over the next few days, we talked a bit via text and actually, a few times, he even called me on the phone just to say hi, or because he missed my voice. It was so sweet and given how some guys I’ve dealt with make me feel like asking for a phone call is like asking for a marriage proposal, again, it was just nice. A breath of fresh air. 

Even though we had already made out and everything, I did try to keep the talks not too flirty. I didn’t want him getting the wrong idea, but at the same time, I’d said multiple times at this point that I wasn’t ready to have sex, and wanted to take things slow right now, and he’d agreed. But, I felt like it was okay to be kind of flirty from time to time, and I just made sure to reiterate that this was an “if/when” kind of thing, not a “next time I see you” thing. 

Photo by Maria Lindsey Multimedia Creator on Pexels.com

We made plans to hang out a few nights later, the night of the NBA semi-finals, because I have access to cable and he wanted to watch. We also decided to play Never Have I Ever, and since I’d recently been apple picking and had so many apples still, I made us mini apple cobblers and apple cider moscow mules (which were amazing). He did come over with a backpack, which I thought was kind of presumptuous, but I brushed it off. 

We played Never Have I Ever, which was fun to spend more time getting to know each other after playing the question game last time, my moscow mules and apple cobblers were delicious and gone very quickly, and it was nice to just hang out. We cuddled and he gave me another massage, and just like last time, he asked me if he could kiss me, and I said yes. 

After a minute, he asked if we could go into the kitchen. I said yes, because I figured a change of scenery is nice, plus this way, none of the neighbors in opposite corner units from me could see me like I’m sure they’ve caught me having solo dance parties before. On the way there, I said again that we wouldn’t be having sex, and it wasn’t personal. He basically scolded me for saying that, saying that saying “it’s not personal” makes it sound like it is personal, so I apologized. I think that was the moment when it started to really kill my vibe. 

Once we were in there, though, I could tell even with that there was something he wanted me to do. While I did consider doing so for a minute, just to get it over with, honestly, I realized that I didn’t want to, and just because in the past I’ve given into things because it was easier than causing a scene or having a fight, I didn’t want to do that anymore. I wasn’t in the mood, and I still wasn’t ready. 

He could tell I wasn’t in the mood, but instead of reading the room and being like, “Hey, let’s just not do anything tonight,” he then directed me back to the couch and asked if I wanted to show him the kind of porn I watch. Honestly, I don’t watch porn, it’s just not my thing, but I’m not naive enough to not know where to find it or what the types of categories are, and I figured that this was a much more hands-off approach and more my speed at the time, so it was a better alternative. Then things got weird in a way I don’t even want to write about, and AGAIN he could tell I was not feeling it, but AGAIN he tried to steer the night into the opposite direction from where I wanted. 

This time, he asked me if I could show him my toys, and I just went with it because I figured if I did this right and made some juvenile jokes or something, maybe I could kill his mood. I did not succeed in my mission, unfortunately, and we ended up getting into my bed.

Chapter 23: One Hit Blunders, Part IV – The Cheapskate and The Funcle

Welcome back to another week of One Hit Blunders! Today, you get to meet two men – one from Boston, The Cheapskate, and one from Florida, The Funcle. Let’s go. 


The last date I went on in Boston before the world shut down was with Charles, I guy that I accidentally matched with when I went back on Hinge for all of about 36 hours way back in February (man, that feels like years ago) and ended up going out with.

Charles is an accountant for something important, I honestly cannot remember, but I do remember that I definitely did not mean to match with him because he didn’t seem like what I was looking for, nor did he really match the physical attributes I usually go for. But, I matched with him nonetheless and I’m too nice to be like, “Whoops sorry meant to swipe left!” so we started talking.

To be totally fair, I wasn’t really interested in ANY of the guys I was matching with because I was already 100% positive that I was already in love with someone else that I’d met just before this, The Rollercoaster. He’s coming up next week, but he lives on the West Coast so to be realistic and not obsess over him too much, I was still exploring other options in Boston just to protect myself. Fair warning before next week’s post, get yourself LOTS of wine. I will absolutely be drinking a very big glass of it while I write next week’s post to get me through it, and I can only imagine how long next week’s post will be — but, I don’t want to give TOO much away. For right now, all you need to know is that I was in love with him and didn’t really want to be going out with The Cheapskate, but my friends convinced me to go out just for kicks and giggles and I figured it couldn’t hurt. Anyway, let’s get back to the story.

So, Charles and I talked for a bit, and he asked for my number. Considering I didn’t even want to match with him, I pulled my classic trick of giving him my Google Voice number, which turned out to be an excellent decision. 

He asked me out to lunch, and since he lives and works near Beacon Hill, which isn’t too far from me, I told him to pick a spot he could get to easily after his morning at work wrapped up. He picked a restaurant that turned out to have some very interesting food, but I went with it. 

The day we met up, I immediately knew I was in for a future dating blog story. He was wearing a very strange trench coat despite the fact that it wasn’t even really that cold at the time, and he seemed very concerned about not letting it touch the floor even for a second. We sat down at the bar, which was at least a kind of good distraction from the fact that he was shorter than I thought (seriously, guys, AGAIN?) and he ordered a beer and asked me what I wanted, and I said I’d get a hard cider since I don’t drink beer.

Apparently, this was offensive to him and I “should have told him before” that I don’t drink beer, which I just rolled my eyes to because it isn’t a big deal to me. The bartender overheard me say this and offered to give me a sample of a beer he thought I’d like, I thanked him and said that would be great, thanks. He went and got me a little glass for the sample and sets it in front of me, and Charles took it and had the first sip, even though it was for me! It was so weird.

The food was awful but the only thing worse was the conversation. Half of me felt like I was in a job interview while the other half of me felt like I was some B-list celebrity being asked weird questions on the red carpet hoping I’d say something scandalous so that the reporter who asked it could feel special. It was weird, he talked an awful lot about himself, and anything that was asked about me immediately got brought back to him. No, thank you.

Even better, I remember that he only ordered an appetizer – that he had to ask the server 50 questions about before he’d agree to order it – and made some really judge-y comments when I ordered a burger and fries. I know I’m not a Victoria’s Secret model, and guess what, I don’t want to be – I love my body. So to any guy who thinks it’s okay to comment on what a girl orders and eats, and actually DOES comment on what she eats, I say this to you from the very bottom of my heart – I hope you remain single forever. No girl deserves to deal with an insecure jerk like that.

But the real kicker was when the bill came. As you know, I always offer to pay my half but never expect to actually do so. Now, keep in mind what I said before – Charles is an accountant for a big company, and he lives on Beacon Hill (which if you don’t know, is one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Boston) in a place where he can park his luxury car easily. So, he is not hurting in the money department. Meanwhile, I’d been telling him about my woes of being unemployed until I started a new job at the end of the month. He didn’t let me pay, but he did tell me I could cover the tip (which was still a considerable amount), and left me with a, “You can pay the next time.” How about no, because there definitely will not be a next time?

I had told him while we were eating that I wanted to go shopping on Beacon Hill at some point soon, and he offered to walk me since he was heading home, but I fibbed and told him that I couldn’t go that day. Instead, I went back towards my place a couple of blocks until I figured he couldn’t see me, hid in a shop for a bit, and then came back out and went shopping.

Later that day, he messaged me about getting together and I pulled my go-to line, trying to be nice but firm. His response was literally just, “Oh come on, I know you’re into me.” I was none too pleased at his attitude so I pretty much just said, “Actually, I’m not. I didn’t enjoy our date at all. Bye.” He tried to respond to that, but I didn’t answer. I blocked him. Just another story for the book… well, blog.


When coronavirus started to get bad, my mom told me she did not want me to be up here in Boston by myself, so she told me to come home to Florida, which I gladly did.

After awhile, my family all made the collective decision that I needed to go on Bumble or something while I was there, if nothing else, to make new friends and just get me out of the house since for most of the five months I was there the two people I hung out with the most were my mom and my three year old niece. So, I went back on Bumble. 

My sister in law had a grand time living vicariously through me, since dating apps didn’t really become a thing until after she met my brother, so she did some swiping for me which led to my parents – mostly my dad – feeling left out. My dad wanted to know how Bumble worked and I said we could mirror my phone to the TV in the living room and he could help me. We were kind of joking, but actually, that’s exactly what we did.

A few nights of quarantine, my parents and I gathered in the living room and I’d set my phone up to display on the TV, and remind them of my rules:

  1. No more than one fish photo.
  2. No more than one mirror selfie.
  3. I don’t play Guess Who – if all of the photos are group shots, it’s a no.
  4. No kids (too complicated). 
  5. Proper use of their/they’re/there and your/you’re. 
  6. Actually has at least something interesting in their bio, and/or at least a question or two answered. 

Really, these are not too crazy of guidelines – yet it was very difficult to find decent matches.

But, I did match with Eddie, who we all liked because he called himself a “funcle” and had some cute pictures with his nieces and nephews. As someone who is also obsessed with their nieces, I figured we’d get along. 

We talked a bit, and then he asked me out and I figured I was being smart about being around people, and I was okay with doing a semi-socially distanced date so long as we were outdoors. We met at a tiki bar, and he got there a few minutes before me which allowed him time to order a drink without me – I don’t know, is that weird that it kind of bothered me? 

He seemed nice enough, but guess what, I had ANOTHER height liar! Maybe I’m just really bad at estimating people’s heights, but he definitely seemed shorter than he said, or he had really bad posture. He also did not look a ton like his photo in general, but I let it slide and decided to try to have fun regardless.

Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

I did not have fun. Again, the conversation was lagging, with way too many awkward silences for me to count and a lot of me just staring at my drink hoping that it would magically give me inspiration on literally ANYTHING to talk about that would result in a conversation longer than two minutes long. It failed. I had also told him beforehand not to take it personally if I didn’t hug or anything, I was trying to be safe with corona, and to please respect that but he still hugged me like three times over the course of the night, and it was that awkward thing where I kind of just stood there with my arms at that weird “caught by surprise” angle not knowing what to do. Overall, it was just not a good night and I finally told him I had to be home soon (my brother did give me a curfew, after all) and left.

And I never heard from him again. Another little thing I like is when a guy at least makes sure that I get home safely after a date, but he didn’t even do that. I just never heard from him, which was fine with me. I unmatched with Eddie, and called it another loss but also a gain because at least I got a free drink out of it. Honestly though, I hope that he’s more fun with his nieces and nephews than he was with me. 


And that brings us to the end of another One Hit Blunders! Don’t forget the wine for next week – see you soon!