Chapter 30: Catfished, Part I – The Area Manager and The Size King

Where’s Nev when you need him?

The time has come for a new series, one that I’ll be calling “Catfished,” that is dedicated to all of the men who are not who they say they are – in some way or another – and that don’t fit into One Hit Blunders because I never even went on a date with them.

These are men who have ghosted me or just avoided actually meeting me, so even if they are who they say they are, I have to assume that they’re lying and that they catfished me which is why we never actually met or why they disappeared. 

By the way, before I go on, I’ve come to the conclusion that The Boyfriend was a major catfish.  To be fair, I’ve known that for a while but was still willing to meet and call him out in person (publicly)… but we never even got there. I thought we were finally getting somewhere in terms of actually meeting, and then he got weird on me again! I kept trying to video call him and he wouldn’t answer, and one time I asked for him to send me a photo of his face and he kept making up excuses. Finally, I told him that he was like Santa Claus and he asked me why and I said because I’ve never seen him so I have to just tell myself to believe that he’s real. He just laughed and that was the last time we spoke.

Anywho, in this chapter you get to meet two catfishing fellows – The Area Manager and The Size King. Again, one is set in Florida, and the other in Boston so you get a two-state experience again. Ready? Let’s go.

Back when my parents were helping me swipe on Bumble, I ended up matching with a guy I’ll call Max. He was very cute and had beautiful blueish green eyes, a nice smile, and was tall. He also didn’t look American and as you know I’m very into that, so we got to talking right away. 

Max is an area manager for Amazon, and he actually lives in Miami, but his family lives in the Sarasota area and he’s actually been actively looking to move to Bradenton and transfer his role to there, which is why he was looking in that area, too. 

We seemed to hit it off immediately. He even called me pretty early on just to say hi, which as you know I’m a sucker for a guy who likes phone calls, and I liked his voice. I found out that his name isn’t actually Max, his family is Ukrainian but he chose the name Max because he thought it was a good, strong name, and nobody could ever pronounce his Ukrainian name so he changed it. Ironically, it’s the same first name as The Semi-Date, so I actually did know how to pronounce it, but he told me just to call him Max.

We flirted, we talked, and he seemed like a decent guy! He very much had his shit together from what I could tell, he was funny, invested in our conversations, and kept begging me to not move back to Boston because he thought I was so “perfect” he would be devastated if I went back to Boston before we met. I told him that I’d make sure we met before then.

After a couple weeks of talking, he told me he’d be in town for the weekend and asked me if I wanted to go to the beach with him. Beaches were open by then, so I figured since it was outdoors that was probably safer, and it could be fun. I agreed, thinking that would be a fun first date, and I even bought a new bathing suit for it. 

When the day came, I told him to let me know when he woke up and to let me know what time he wanted to meet. And I never heard from him. All. Day. Long. I had already cleared my very busy schedule of baking, job hunting, and hanging out with my 3-year old niece for the day so I was kind of annoyed, but after a bit of waiting I just decided to call it a loss and move on with my day.

Finally, later that day he told me that his family had surprised him with a last-minute trip to Marco Island for his birthday. I thought that was sweet, so I went with it, and he apologized for leaving me hanging and promised to make it up to me the next time he was in town.

I think I had something going on the following weekend, so we didn’t make plans then, but we kept talking. This whole time, anytime he was in town but too busy for the beach or anything, he’d ask me if I wanted to meet somewhere and just make out in his car for a bit. Uh, no. 

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The next weekend, Max was in town again so we made tentative plans to finally meet up and go to the beach. Again, I told him to tell me what time he wanted to meet up and he said he’d call me after the gym. He didn’t. 

At this point, I was kind of worried that he might be dead or something, so I decided to Google him and make sure that he was who he said he was. At first, when I was just searching for his Snapchat name (I find that a lot of people use the same username for a LOT of different accounts) I was finding some weird Ukrainian or Russian forums, I don’t even know, I think some of it was very weird porn? I clicked out really fast. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was him, though, considering he did tell me that his biggest fetish is peeing on a girl. Don’t ask me how I meet these people because I don’t know either.

The thing is that his last name is really weird and even though one time I’d asked him to spell it out for me on the phone, I think I must’ve written it down incorrectly because I was still struggling to find him. Finally, I had a breakthrough and I found him. That is, I found his mugshot from when he was arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct.

So after that, I figured I’d cut my losses and delete him. I blocked him on Snapchat and carried on with my life but then, a bit later, I randomly get a WhatsApp message from him showing me the houses he’s looking at in Bradenton and saying that he wanted me to help decorate (I do love decorating) and I called him out on ditching me twice at that point and told him that I’d blocked him on Snapchat because of it, which he thought was funny.

Really though, Max just seemed sad that he never got to see me in my new bathing suit, which I mean I don’t blame him – I looked great in it – but also that’s not really what I’m looking for at this point and I still wasn’t into his car makeouts idea, so I just finished the conversation, it fizzled out, and I ended up back in Boston not too long after – still having no idea what he really liked look outside of the photos he’d sent me. Which leads me to my next story.

Being back in Boston, but still having most of the city under strict guidelines due to you-know-what, I decided to get back on Bumble and Tinder just to keep myself entertained. Since I wasn’t having any luck on EHarmony, (side note, they finally let me delete my account after I reported the guy who went and stalked me on LinkedIn – and now on Instagram AND Facebook, too – and gave me a partial refund), but I wanted to feel kind of social at least, so I figured trying them again couldn’t hurt. 

There was one profile of a guy, Don, who was very tall, in good shape, was wearing a suit, and seemed like he had a good sense of humor, so I swiped right. The only thing on his profile that gave me pause was where he asked, “Where my size queens at?” I’ve never heard that phrase, but I figured it had something to do with him liking girls who are “thicc” since that’s a thing, and I mean I’m considered “slim thicc” from what the young and hip kids have told me, so I figured that would suffice.

Don and I matched and got to chatting. After a bit of back and forth, he asked me if I’d read his profile. I said yes, and he said, “So you’re into that?” 

I had no clue what he was talking about, so I asked him to clarify. He asked me if I was a size queen. I told him I had no idea what that meant, but I thought it was about being thicc. He said no, that’s not what it means. 

Now, I was terrified at what I’d potentially gotten myself into so before he even said anything else I searched Urban Dictionary and found out that, according to them, a size queen is, “A person who will only accept larger than average penises in sexual partners.” About the same time that I read this, Don responded to me himself that that is what a size queen is. 

Well, now I was too deep into this conversation to back out, and very curious, so I asked him if that was the case with him and he said yes. He asked if I was into that, and I admitted that I wouldn’t know from experience, but I’m always up to try new things. 

Obviously, I was super curious as to how big he was but I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable so I didn’t ask. But then, he offered to show me. I told him only if he was comfortable, because I was intrigued, but didn’t want him to do anything he didn’t want to. He said he was happy to show me, so I gave him my Google voice number because he didn’t have Snapchat.

After our introductions over text, he asked me if I liked Trulys, and I said yes, and then he sent the picture. It was of his dick, obviously, held next to a can of Truly hard seltzer – I’m not even kidding. And while the first thing I noticed was that he’s not circumcised, I did realize after that that, yeah, it was very big. 

Once he was assured that he hadn’t totally scared me off (hey, I’m human) he offered to send more and I didn’t really answer because really one is enough, but he did want to see my tattoos so I sent him a photo (clothed) where he could see my tattoos. He did ask me for nudes at one point, but I told him I don’t do that with people I don’t know and that for now clothed was the only way he was getting photos of me, and he said that was fine.

Then Don just started sending me more dick pics. First was just it poking out of his pants, and from that angle I was kind of scared honestly, and then the next one – I kid you not – was him holding it next to a can of Rustoleum. They were the same size. I will never be able to look at Rustoleum the same ever again. But also, do you think he just walks around his house finding things to compare his dick to, or does he have a few go-tos that he just always has on hand? 

We flirted a lot, and besides the size thing he actually seemed funny and nice and smart, so I felt comfortable enough to consider planning a date with him. But when I asked him when we were going to meet and act on our flirtation and everything, he said that was a good question and asked when I was free. I told him, and he didn’t respond. 

After a few hours, I sent the upside down smiling face emoji because that’s kind of my thing when I’m trying to tell a guy, “Hey, you’re ignoring me but instead of calling you out on it I’m just going to send you an emoji.” Still nothing. The next morning, I realized that he had unmatched me on Tinder. 

When this happens, I assume one of three things – 1), they got back together with their ex or met someone else and are no longer looking, 2), they’re intimidated by my assertiveness/aggressive nature and don’t want to talk anymore, or 3), they’re a catfish and now that they got what they wanted from the conversation, he’s ready to move on. With Don, I’m betting option three.

Stay tuned because I’m sure I’ll have more Catfished stories soon, and next week, we’re back to our regularly scheduled program of guys I’ve been out with recently! You’ll be meeting my latest One-But Blunder, The Joker. Have a great week!

Chapter 20: One Hit Blunders, Part III – The Unsocial Graduate, The Too-Friendly Ghost, and The Implication

Guess what’s back, back again? One Hit Blunders, Part Three! And in honor of it being the third in this series, today, you get three stories instead of two.

Parth, or as I call him, The Unsocial Graduate, was another guy that I matched with on Hinge or Bumble, I can’t remember, around January of 2019 when things were starting to fizzle with Al (before I knew he was both a cheater and a heartless human). He was also in grad school at Northeastern, so we were able to talk about our experiences from our first semester, and I was giving him some tips on Boston since he was still fairly new to the area. 

We had plans to go out, but then, a couple of days before the weekend we had plans, my sister-in-law went into labor with my youngest niece late at night so I ended up flying home first thing Friday morning so I could meet her. Parth was very understanding, but then he asked me for photos of my niece and I had to change the subject because it is absolutely not my place to share photos of my nieces when I’m not their parent – especially not to someone I haven’t even met yet. I told him I’d show him a picture when we met up (I didn’t). But, we talked throughout the weekend and decided to go out the following week when I got back.

We went to The Cheesecake Factory (who doesn’t love that bread, right?) and almost immediately, I knew I was in for an awkward meal. He literally did not know how to carry a conversation — at ALL. He’d ask me a question, I’d answer, and then he’d just stare at me. Meanwhile I’m just eating my cheeseburger all self-consciously (at least he didn’t make me share my fries) and trying to think of what to say next. If I’m at a loss for words, you know it’s bad. 

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We had virtually nothing in common, the conversation did not flow, and it was just weird all around. Plus, he seemed to seriously lack common social skills especially in regards to how to conduct oneself in a restaurant. But hey, I got a free meal out of it (even though I ended up sneaking and slipping some extra cash on the table when I saw he left virtually no tip – which is one of my biggest pet peeves/dating deal-breakers). I can’t remember if we both got cheesecake to go, or if I just walked like I was heading to the T station in the Prudential and then turned around and got it myself, but either way, I definitely know I got cheesecake to eat when I got home as a reward for surviving the date. 

But if you’ve been reading my blog up to this point, you know that since it’s me, it can’t end there, can it? Nope. Parth texted me after and asked me out for a second date, and I gave him my classic ‘No, but thanks,’ line of, “You seem like a great guy, but I just didn’t feel the spark I’m looking for. Best of luck!” I could tell he was pissed about it, but he brushed it off for the moment. 

Then, barely a week later I get another text from him saying that he wants to go out on another date and “try again” so that he can see how he feels. I told him that’s not how it works, and again, no, I was not interested. He tried AGAIN, but kept just talking about himself and what he wanted to figure out. At that point, I threw the niceties out the window and told him straight up, “You are not respecting my opinion and feelings. I said no, I’m not interested, you need to listen to me because it’s not just about you and what YOU want.” That got him off of my back, so after that, I just spent the rest of my time in grad school making sure to avoid any areas that I might run into The Unsocial Graduate. 

Michael, or as I like to call him, The Too-Friendly Ghost, was another of my “Almost done with Al so I’m on Hinge” matches, and he seemed like the nicest guy in the world. He was so, so sweet. Almost too sweet, really. I don’t even know how long we talked before he finally asked me out, but I know it was a very long time and much longer than I’m used to waiting.

But, when I told him I had to go away for the weekend for an emergency, he could not have been more understanding and sympathetic. I ended up telling him afterwards what had happened (this was when my grandma passed away) and he was so nice about it and told me to take as much time as I needed before I was ready to go on a date or anything. 

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Finally, we scheduled a date and he was so nervous about picking a good place. We both like Italian food, so we decided to meet in the North End and pick a place when we got there. Then he said he’d feel better if I just picked a place so he knew I liked where we went, so I did. We met there and stood and looked at the menu on the window for 10 minutes with me convincing him that yes, this was totally fine, I was happy eating anywhere, I promised!

We did have a few things in common, and the conversation went at least a bit better than it had with Parth and some of the other guys I’ve experienced in the past. But at the same time, I felt like he was a bit too agreeable and just going along with whatever I said because he wanted to make sure I was happy. Which, again, is sweet, but also not really what I’m looking for. I definitely need someone who isn’t afraid to challenge me. 

Michael seemed very close with his family, though, which is very important to me, and I liked that he remembered the things I’d told him over text and asked me interesting questions about myself. He also immediately offered to pay. Overall, I had a pretty decent time and chalked up his need to please me to nerves or anxiety, so as we said goodbye I figured that maybe I’d give him one more chance.

Except, I never heard from him again. He straight up ghosted me after that. I’m assuming he wasn’t feeling it or knew that I wasn’t 100% on board, or he was intimidated, or something, and did not know how to handle it without abandoning the “way too nice” impression that I had of him, so instead, I just never heard from him again. After that, I realized that Michael could seriously give Casper a run for his money on which of them is the friendliest ghost. 

This is actually one of my favorite stories to share. I matched with this guy on Hinge, he was French (I’m not sure why, but French guys LOVE me – I’m not complaining) so I’ll call him Marius because I’m in a Les Mis mood right now. He seemed very successful – good job, dressed nicely, well-spoken, and I was very into that.

We talked a lot, and he was saying to me that he was hoping to find someone that he could more or less spoil – buy nice clothes, take to France for vacations and stay in his nice place there, etc. No, this was not a sugar baby situation, because he was just a little bit older than me and he wanted to actually date, too, but I’m not going to be upset about a guy who wants to treat me like a princess (especially not a French one) so I supported this dream of his. 

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Finally, we started to make plans to meet. First, we thought about grabbing dinner somewhere on the water, but then, he said that he wanted to do something even more special – he wanted to take me out that weekend on his boat. He said he’d bring a bottle of wine, we’d go whale watching, cruise around, and grab dinner when we got back. 

I remember he texted me this on my way to work, and all I was thinking was, “No fucking way am I getting on a boat with someone that I haven’t even met yet!” So when I got to work, I told my coworkers (who were all male, by the way) that this guy I’d been talking to but hadn’t met yet wanted to take me out on his boat that weekend for our first date. They thought this was great! It sounded fun, cool, romantic, and they were telling me to have fun. But I had to explain to them that, no, this was NOT a good idea because once I was out in the middle of the water with a stranger, I had no clue what was going to happen. This sounded like a Lifetime movie where I was going to be the young girl who gets murdered by some crazy con man and then sends their mother into some crazy quest for vengeance. 

This is when one of my coworkers asked me if I watched the show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” I said no, I hadn’t. He sent me the link to a scene from the show called “the implication.” Here’s the link if you haven’t seen it yourself, come back when you’re done watching.

Back? So, now you know why I call him “The Implication.” I texted him that a boat cruise sounded cool, but it wasn’t something I wanted to do before we met, he said okay, and then he went back to France for a trip and we never really spoke again. And that was the end of him. 

So that, my friends, brings us to the end of Part Three of my One Hit Blunders. But don’t worry – there’s more to come! In the meantime, share your worst first date stories with me in the comments below – I want to read them!

See you next week for another story!