Chapter 45: The Texan

Like I said in my last post, I recently deleted my dating apps. But, I still had them before my trips to Austin, Texas, and Scottsdale, Arizona. I wanted to move to either of those places, so I thought it would be helpful to see what the guys were like. So, I used Hinge and changed my neighborhood to the Austin area, and did some swiping. I did match with a couple of guys who didn’t seem totally awful and a few that I knew would not be for me. Ultimately, I made plans to meet up with one of them while I was there – Joseph.

Joseph isn’t actually from Texas. He’s from the East Coast but was raised in California and now lives in Austin. But for this story, I’m just going to call him The Texan because it works.

Joseph was pretty cute, a little short, but I’m not too much of a heightist. He was funny and seemed pretty decent. Honestly, he wasn’t 100% “my type,” but I’m trying to be better about that, too. I figured I’d try something new. So we messaged, and then texted for a bit, and decided to meet up on my first day there. I kind of regretted telling him about what time I was set to land, though. He seemed to want to meet up pretty much immediately, but I kind of just ignored him for a bit until I got settled in.

Eventually, we met up at a brewery that the front desk agent at my hotel had recommended. I wanted to explore East Austin, and she suggested it as a starting point. Even though I don’t really drink beer, I thought it would be fun. So I invited him to join me after I ate a late breakfast. As I usually do, I had to go back through his profile and our previous conversations to remember what he looked like and what topics we’d already covered. Once I did, I was ready.

I got there first, but since I’m not a beer fan, it worked out – it took me a very long time to decide what I wanted to get. When he did arrive, he was actually a bit cuter in person. Still a bit short, though. But overall I got a pretty good vibe – more ‘friend’ than ‘boyfriend,’ but better than ‘run away’! We ordered our beers and sat down, and started talking.

After we had a drink there, we decided to walk around and ended up at a cocktail bar not too far away. I appreciated that he paid for my drinks without question, seemed interested in what I had to say, remembered other details about me, and wasn’t trying to get in my pants right off the bat. Sometimes it’s sad to realize that this is where the bar is at this point.

But, while Joseph wasn’t awful and seemed mostly decent, he was a bit too clingy for me. I feel like he had this idea that we would meet on my first day and have such amazing chemistry that we spent my whole time there together and then fell madly in love, so I moved there. But that’s not what happened. It’s also not what I wanted to happen. But Joseph started to get a bit clingy, so I started to step on the brakes. I even lied about the hotel I was staying at . Not just for safety, but because I didn’t trust that he wouldn’t just show up outside my hotel “coincidentally” at some point during my stay.

After we had our drinks, he offered to drive me back to my hotel. But obviously, since I told him I was staying somewhere else I said no. I also kind of wanted to explore a bit more. But, it was nice of him to offer. That is, until he began texting me every day for the rest of my trip asking if I wanted to meet up again.

I like the interest, but I’d also already told him that I had plans of my own – which was true. I really wasn’t sure I’d be able to meet more than once since it was such a quick trip. But like I said, I think he had an idea of some sort of crazy romantic movie-type story unfolding. And I was just not into it.

I did think about meeting up with him one night, though. I had met up with a friend at a bar I knew wasn’t too far from him and thought about reaching out. Then we ended up totally losing track of time so I decided to go back to my hotel instead. I did text him that I had planned on trying to meet up with him but that the night had gotten away from me. I mean, it was pretty late, and it was my last night before heading to Arizona so I wanted to get some sleep. He took it pretty well, though.

The next day, though, he texted me again when I was leaving Austin for Arizona to ask me if I was planning on coming back. He also said that he “really saw this going somewhere” and wanted me to let him know if I did end up moving here. I was honest that I didn’t really see myself moving there, but that if I ever came back to visit I’d try to let him know. Really, Austin was just not for me – fun city, however.

Photo by Tembela Bohle on Pexels.com

I didn’t have high expectations for a date with anyone while I was there so it was fine. I mostly just wanted a local to show me around a bit, but I could definitely tell that he had some other plans. Don’t get me wrong, I love a guy who’s enthusiastic and interested. But he was a bit too interested and excited that I wasn’t from there.

It kind of made me feel like maybe there’s a reason why he hasn’t had any luck with a girl in Austin and was looking for someone new to the area. Maybe that’s just me but it’s kind of a red flag when a guy is clearly missing signals that I wanted my time and space to do my own thing. Instead, he was trying to get me, basically a stranger, to spend my whole trip with him. Not a crazy red flag, but just not one I want to ignore.

I’m also not sure what it is about me that so far, I find guys who are either madly in love with me from date one or want nothing to do with me after one date. I’m clearly very much a love or hate kind of person. But I’m changing that!

In any case, Joseph was not the one and that’s perfectly fine with me. Especially since I’m not moving to Texas. I did search for some matches in Arizona but didn’t find any worth going out with, which was fine. However, I did make a friend early on in my trip. I ended up hanging out with her and her boyfriend a bit, which was much more fun anyway.

And after those trips, I deleted all of my apps – for good. I didn’t use them when I was in the Outer Banks. I wasn’t even tempted to redownload. Now that I’m back in Boston I’m planning on doing it all the old-fashioned way. I feel like I’ve dated every guy in Boston already, but maybe there are a few unicorns who weren’t on any apps that I’ve yet to meet. So from now on, no more dating app stories. Only “real life” ones. Will I meet anyone this way? I’m optimistic. Will they be story worthy? I guess we have to wait and see. Stay tuned.

Chapter 44: I Deleted My Dating Apps ft. The Baseball Player and The Namecaller

Y’all, I just couldn’t do it anymore – I deleted my dating apps. 

A few weeks ago, I deleted Tinder and Bumble. But, I did make a Hinge profile specifically so that I can get an idea of what the options are like when I was in Austin and Scottsdale (more on that later). But as of last night, when I returned, that was gone, too. 

So, what drew me to make this decision? Honestly, a lot of things.


1. Quality

The biggest reason was that I have just not been finding quality guys on these apps. The few times I thought I had someone decent, it was a bust. Take Brad, The Baseball Player. We matched, texted a bit, went out for drinks and apps, and had a really great time. I actually liked him more than I expected to. He has a good job, works really hard (work ethic is one of my biggest non-sexual turn-ons), is tall, and was really nice and very funny the whole time. We shared some amazing appetizers, and I genuinely had a great time. We talked a bit for a couple of days after, and then nothing. He literally just disappeared.  

I’m not saying that Brad isn’t a quality guy. He did have a lot of qualities that I’m looking for. But he clearly didn’t have one quality that is extremely important to me – communication skills. Either he wasn’t willing to make the effort, or didn’t know how to (and I don’t want to be the one courting a guy). Or, he just didn’t want to tell me he wasn’t interested anymore. No matter what, it just wasn’t a match. 

Besides Brad, I haven’t actually been out with more than one of my recent matches. Frankly, they just weren’t that interesting. I haven’t found a single guy who makes me excited to get a message from him in several months. Yes, I know people can come off as different over text versus in person, but still. It’s just not exciting anymore.

Finally, don’t even get me started on all the catfishers.

2. Quantity

This one is pretty straightforward. I have seen SO many of the same guys on these apps. Some of them I’ve seen each time I’ve redownloaded the apps in a moment of weakness. (This mostly happens when I need an ego boost). Yes, I know that this means that I’m still single, too… but I usually delete my apps if I’m seeing someone. Then, I update them if I go back on. But I’ve seen some guys who have basically the exact same profile which is very suspicious to me – does that mean you’ve just been chilling with the exact same profile for years and haven’t had to get off of it for even a few months? Or, they leave it up while they’re dating someone.

I’ve also even accidentally rematched with guys I’ve matched with on another app before but, for whatever reason, disregarded as someone with actual potential. Then when I realize it, I have to unmatch them again. I really thought Boston was a big city – but the amount of guys I’ve seen MULTIPLE times shows me that is a lie. 

Side note, I saw The Boyfriend again. He’s still lying about who he is, but at least he’s updated his photos. I tried to report him but it wouldn’t let me.

3. Guys Who Hide Behind their Phones

To be fair, this one kind of goes along with “Quality,” but I wanted to make a distinction. It’s one thing to just have a lot of guys that I have nothing in common with. Or guys who don’t know how to actually date. But i’s another to have guys that feel like because they don’t actually know you, they can be mean. 

The amount of guys who immediately turn things sexual is obscene and, if I weren’t such a hopeless romantic, it would make me sad and disheartened. I mean, a lot of guys are sexist anyway but they feel like since they’re on their phones they can get away with it more. 

Then there are the guys who are just straight-up rude. For instance, one specific guy I matched with. I honestly don’t want to waste too much energy coming up with a fake name or nickname for him. I’ll just call him The Namecaller. 

Once we switched to (Google Voice) text, he got kind of weird. Constantly asking me where I was, what I was doing, who I was with. If I went out to dinner, he’d ask me where and then ask how far it was from where I lived.

When I mentioned that a lot of my friends had moved from the city, but then later said I was hanging out with a friend to get him to leave me alone, he made it sound like I just wasn’t allowed to have any friends since I’d told him a lot of them moved. He was always trying to find out where I was and where I lived. He asked several times if I had any roommates. It freaked me out. 

One day, I “accidentally” unmatched him and he flipped out. He started messaging me asking why I unmatched him, and I just said it was an accident. But I also mentioned that his constantly interrogating me on where I was didn’t sit well with me. And, it made me uncomfortable. Then he just started to get rude and unnecessarily sassy. After a bit, I told him that I didn’t see it working out and was no longer interested in going out with him. 

He did not take this well. He got super defensive and accusatory and started insulting me. So I said that if this was how he reacted to a woman saying no to a date – which I had every right to do – I was glad I’d said no. And then he just got even worse. He called me “rude,” and said that he didn’t understand how I expected anyone to want to date me if this was how I was going to be about simple questions. I didn’t even answer. I just blocked him. Sorry, I’ve already had a guy tell me nobody would ever love me – I’m not about to listen to another mediocre manchild tell me the same thing.

The funny thing is he used to live in my building. Luckily, that made it easier to find him and block him on Facebook, too. Just in case. 

4. Time and Energy

We all know that we shouldn’t be spending so much time on our phones, and I am passionate about that. I’ve been actively trying to be less attached to my phone. I turned off most notifications, deleted some of my most used apps, etc. I could think of 100 other things that are a much better use of my time and energy than sitting on my phone swiping on guys that I probably won’t like, or who probably won’t even answer me if we do match. 

I’m trying to better myself. I’m on a big self-love and growth journey right now. And this will help me become the person I want to be. Ultimately, this will help me be someone who is a better girlfriend. Wasting my time on guys who, frankly, aren’t worth it when I could be doing something valuable just doesn’t make any sense to me anymore. 

Especially since so many of the profiles are actually bots that the companies use to keep people interested in swiping for hours on end. It’s just an energy and time sucker. I don’t feel like participating anymore. 

I also believe in the Law of Attraction, and I just don’t have good expectations from dating apps. Sometimes, they don’t make me feel good about myself. I’d rather be out there living my life and being amazing and feeling positive. That way, I’ll meet men who are also amazing and positive.

CHAPTER 43: THE CHEF, PART II

In my last post, I told you that part two of my story with The Chef, Francisco, might be coming. And, guess what? It did. After he randomly reappeared in my life several weeks after our first date, I decided to give him one more chance. 


As I said, he wasn’t completely awful on our first date until the end. He did accept my feedback graciously and maturely and offered what seemed like a genuine apology. Plus, when we talked this time he promised that we’d get appetizers and actually eat this time. So I felt like maybe one more date wasn’t an awful idea. Was that the right call? You can be the judge.


Strike One

We went to a bar that he suggested. He claims to have gone there multiple times over the past few months and it’s a new favorite. However, he didn’t know that it’s about to close. Plus, he needed Google Maps to get there. But anyway, onward we went. 

The bar was okay. It’s definitely a local hotspot because it was very busy, which I expected since it’s about to close. They were out of a lot, so I got a seltzer and he got a beer. Then, we found a spot along a back wall to talk. 

Pretty quickly, I was reminded of why I didn’t feel the spark. But, I was already committed and I didn’t want to be rude and bail. I wanted to give a real second chance, not 10 minutes. Fernando did ask me why I decided to go out with him again. I said because he took my criticism well and apologized. And I had nothing else to do that night. At least I’m honest, right?

At the bar, there was a guy that looked about my age, maybe a year or two older. He was with a girl, but I definitely didn’t get girlfriend/date vibes from either of them. And he kept talking to me. I felt like he was trying to figure out if I was on a date and/or taken. And of course, he was really cute and much more my type. And really funny. He kept finding ways to engage me in conversation, and he’d sort of include Fernando. Meanwhile, I would include the girl he was with – but he was mostly talking to me. 

I could sense Fernando getting annoyed and he immediately started to get possessive. He also started asking me if I wanted to leave, even though he’d just said he wanted another drink. It wasn’t like this guy asked for my number, nor was I flirting with him, we were just being friendly. But Fernando’s reaction to getting possessive was a huge turn-off for me. I’m a “save the last dance for me” kind of girl anyway. But especially if you’re not my boyfriend – you have no right to start acting like it to keep me from talking to any other male in our vicinity (unless he’s creepy and I’ve asked you to). 

Maybe I’m in the minority on this, but getting weirdly possessive before you’re “official” is a red flag. So, that was strike one. 


Strike Two

Strike two came as we left that bar and talked about where we’d head next. He told me about this Peruvian place that he really liked but it was a bit further. I looked at the menu and honestly, I’m pretty adventurous but I didn’t see anything I was dying to have. Ceviche was on my list of things to try, but not that day. I also thought that we’d be getting real food, and considering how much he likes to drink – and pressure me to do so, too – I didn’t think raw seafood was the right thing to be in my stomach. 

So, I told him I wasn’t sure about it this time and he said we could go someplace closer. We didn’t. He started walking towards where he had parked his car. I didn’t really know what to say because I didn’t want to argue, so I followed along. Honestly, I think he just wanted to show off his car. He’d already mentioned to me several times over text and on our date that he recently got a Tesla. I’ve been in that position before. It was pretty clear to me that he was just trying to show off. Not my thing.

We went to this Peruvian place, and it was cute. The drinks were pretty good. I did try ceviche, but he didn’t ask what kind I wanted to try. Whatever he ordered had a lot of squid/octopus – which is one of the types of seafood that I’m REALLY not a fan of. I tried one bite. It wasn’t for me. So I basically sat there and watched him eat. Not going to lie, I might have also thought about how I could find the guy from my bar once or twice, too. 

Finally, we left there and went back to the area we had started in. He wanted to go to another bar that’s one of his new “favorites.” I’ve been there once before with The Cheater one time when I was hungry and made him buy me chicken fingers. They were pretty good, but this bar is not exactly one that I’d write home about. I wasn’t really sure why he loved it so much, but I figured at least maybe I’d finally get some food.

Instead, this is where strike 3 (but not the last strike) occurred. 

Strike Three

By this point in the night, I was done but just didn’t have an exit strategy yet. Plus, I wanted chicken fingers. But it seemed Fernando forgot about the promise of appetizers. Again, all he was focused on was getting me to agree to another drink. He wanted me to have a tequila shot with him even after I’d said several times I didn’t want one. I don’t even like tequila. I literally have one friend with who I’ll do tequila shots with and that’s only because it’s her. Finally, I caved and ordered a cider just to shut him up. I told him I was looking at the food menu but he didn’t say anything. When the waiter came by, he told him we didn’t need anything. So I realized no appetizers yet again.

The real kicker, though, was when the bill came. To give him a bit of credit, at least Fernando consistently paid for me. But apparently, that’s where his giving ends because he didn’t tip the server. 

I had kind of noticed something before, on our first date and the earlier bars from that night. He filled out the receipts REALLY quickly. I figured since he’s a chef and has worked in restaurants maybe he’s just really good at doing quick math. This time, though, I could see that he clearly didn’t write anything in the tip line. From what I could see, simply copied the total amount.

I honestly wouldn’t have minded if he’d asked me to cover the tip. It was better than the alternative. But I couldn’t tell for sure, so as we went to leave I lied and told him I needed to go to the bathroom. When he had his back turned, I looked at the check and realized that he had maybe tipped a dollar, but his handwriting was pretty bad. But to me, it looked like he didn’t tip at all. 

This is a huge pet peeve of mine and a major red flag for me. It’s a zero-tolerance item. I mean, I’m the kind of person who tips 20% on a to-go order, but still. I went back by the restrooms and took out the few dollars I had in cash. When I found our server, I asked if he’d been tipped and he said he didn’t think so. I apologized that he hadn’t been tipped and gave him a tip myself.


The Confrontation

Maybe I should have just left it, but that’s not my style. So when I went outside to Fernando, I decided to ask him what his dating dealbreakers are. He said people who don’t have a sense of humor and get offended by everything. That reminds me — he told me a joke earlier, after confirming that I don’t get offended easily. I honestly didn’t get it but I feel like if I did, I would have actually been offended by it. Instead, I was just offended by how stupid it was. So his was that and messy/disorganized people.

At this point, he kept putting his arm around me. He was clearly oblivious to the fact that every time he did I’d put my hands in my pockets. I’d basically recoil trying to make myself as small as possible. Or, I’d find a way to escape his very awkward embrace. He still kept trying.

But anyway, back to the dating dealbreaker. He asked for mine. I said that smoking was a big one, but I usually didn’t even go out with smokers unless I didn’t know before the date. But that really, my biggest one was bad tippers. 

He got silent. But I carried on, saying that I think the way a person treats someone in the service industry says a lot about you. I was raised with the mentality of always treating the janitor with the same level of respect as the CEO. It’s important to me that the guy I end up with feels the same way. He tried to agree but it really didn’t sound very convincing to me. It also made me realize that I hadn’t seen him be particularly polite or respectful to any servers we’d encountered. Not even basic manners of making eye contact or saying “please” and “thank you.” That kind of thing. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have been surprised that he didn’t even tip. 

I figured I’d just keep going since I was feeling feisty. (Maybe that guy who found my blog is right, I am ruthless). I said that insecurity is also a dealbreaker for me. Basically, that I’m not into guys who feel like they have to “stake their claim” on me in public. Or that constantly ask me for validation or to reinforce that I do like them, and just have a general “pick me, choose me” vibe. I also don’t like cocky guys, but it is possible to be in the middle. 

Finally, I tacked on that a dealbreaker for me is when a guy shows that he isn’t willing to impress me on the first couple of dates. I don’t need a fancy steak dinner, but if you’ve forgotten to make sure that I get food when I’ve asked (and would’ve paid for myself) twice now, it’s not going to work out. You know I’m traditional in believing that a guy should pay for the first date. After that, I’ll split but I still think that the first few dates a woman should be “wooed.” And I’ll woo you back! It’s a two-way street.

The way I see it? If a guy isn’t willing to spend more than the bare minimum amount of money or energy on impressing me and making me feel special at the start, how can I expect him to give me more than the bare minimum later on after he has gotten in my pants? 

Just because I was in a “screw it” mood by this point, I mentioned that in my experience, it’s the guys that make a point to brag about their high salary, fancy apartment, and/or flashy new cars (*cough* Tesla) that tend to be the worst about making me feel like I’m not worth more than a couple of drinks. I value character and experiences over material objects. 

After all of that, you’d think he’d have gotten the picture yet he still kept trying to hold my hand. I would basically dead-hand him, or only give him like 2 of my fingers. But he was determined. 

Finally, I think he got it when we were close to where his car was parked. I said something about it being late and my apartment not being too far. He offered to walk me back but I politely declined, mostly because I wanted tater tots (but Tasty Burger was closed). He seemed to get it, though and walked away without trying to have any other awkward physical contact with me. 


On the Chopping Block

The next morning, he did text me a bit and say some things about hanging out again. He’d previously offered to cook for me, provided I bring the wine/alcohol, MULTIPLE times despite me changing the subject every single time. But, I didn’t want to be mean and lead him on or waste either of our time. So I told him the truth. 

I pretty much just said that I wanted to be upfront and that it had been fun hanging out, but I didn’t see us as a good match. Which meant I didn’t see this progressing. I said there’s no chemistry or compatibility there for me, and I wanted to respect his time by being honest and clear about that. And then I wished him the best. 

Again, I give Fernando credit because he handles rejection mostly well (except the first time).  He replied that he’d thought about it the night before and it doesn’t seem like there’s chemistry, nor are we in the same place in our lives. And that it was clear from what I’d said on our walk that he was not what I’m looking for. All valid. All true. I mean, I’m strongly leaning towards moving soon (surprise!) so I’m not sure it’s even the right time for me to get into something serious. 

What I thought was kind of funny, though, was that he explicitly said that it was what I’d said about my dealbreakers that made him realize I wasn’t that into him. So he was admitting to being kind of insecure, unwilling to put more effort into planning dates that didn’t only involve alcohol – therefore making me feel like his only goal was to impress me enough to get me drunk so I’d go home with him. And essentially, he admitted to being a bad tipper. So, all in all, my assumptions and feelings were valid. We were really not a good match. 

I thanked him for understanding. I said that I knew I’d find the right guy at the right time, and to have a good weekend. And that was that. I am glad that I gave him a second chance if only because it’s better to know sooner rather than later that it wasn’t going to work so he didn’t keep reappearing. toask. 

So, thank you for the experience, Chef, but you’ve been chopped

Chapter 37: One Hit Blunders, Part VI – The Russian

When I got back to Boston after the holidays, I was eager to get back into the dating world. Like I said in my Q&A last week, lately I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself. After taking lots of “me-time,” I finally feel ready for a real relationship. I just need to meet someone that I want to have a relationship with. With Boston still in the not-fun stages of lockdown, it’s basically out of the question to go out and meet someone the natural way. Which means most of my searching has been on the apps that I live to hate. This is how I met Anton. 

Anton and I matched on Tinder. He looked very tall, has a good job, and is a bit older (I think 34 or 35). Overall , he seemed nice. We started talking and he got kind of flirty pretty quickly. Not in a sexual way, just in an overuse of emojis way. But when I found out he was Russian that somehow explained it. Maybe this is just my own experience with Russians/Eastern Europeans, but I feel like they’ve all been really into emojis. Like, sending me the kissy-face with the heart one right off that bat. Kind of weird, but not a deal-breaker. 

I liked that he seemed very interested in me. He was eager to learn more about me, and he’s smart. So when he asked for my number I came *this* close to giving him my real one. But at the last minute, I decided to stick with the Google Voice one. When I sent to save his number, I realized apparently I’ve matched with too many guys with his name. I ended up having to clarify that he was “the Russian one.” And yes, I save numbers (most of the time). I’m bad with names and if I do end up going out with them, I need to remember who I need to look for. 

We texted back and forth a bit, he kept up with the emojis, but overall no bright red flags. I thought it was funny because I asked what kind of music he liked. He said since he grew up during the 90s he was a big fan of bands like Nirvana. I’m always fascinated by people who grew up in other countries identifying their childhood with American bands. So I agreed to meet him for a date. Nothing crazy, just a coffee date. But, I hadn’t been on a date in awhile so I dressed pretty cute just because I felt like it. It was mostly for myself, though.


We met up at Haymarket, which isn’t too far from my place. Almost immediately, I knew he was not going to be the one for me. I don’t know why, I just had a feeling. I have very strong gut reactions that are usually pretty good at telling me if I’m going to have good chemistry with someone or not. And I was pretty positive I was not going to have it with him. I was right.

First of all, while Anton’s profile pictures were correct in depicting his height, as soon as we were able to take our masks off I realized that I had overlooked one of my biggest rules. Usually on dating apps, I take notice if a guy only has closed-lip smiles. It usually says something about their teeth and smile. I had forgotten to take that into account on Anton’s profile. 

Listen, I understand not everyone likes the dentist. Maybe growing up he didn’t have access to a good one, but I feel like if you live in a city that’s known for its healthcare, you have a good job where you can definitely afford it, and are trying to meet someone, and you still haven’t done anything to just show a bit of an investment in yourself, it’s a bit of a warning. I mean, if you aren’t going to show that you’re willing to practice good hygiene and that you can take care of yourself on a part of you that people see nearly every day (at least pre-mask days), what else are you slacking on?

And to be clear, this wasn’t an, “Oh, he has coffee stains,” or “Could maybe use braces” issue. This was like, ‘needs braces and perhaps other orthodontic work, has probably never had a dental cleaning, and I’m questioning if he even brushes his teeth’ situation. Maybe that isn’t a deal-breaker to most people, but I take pride in the fact that my dentist compliments me every six months. Plus, my smile is one of the things I get the most compliments on. I’m not saying I need a guy to have Julia Roberts-level teeth, but a good smile is important to me.

But that wasn’t even the worst of it. We had agreed to get coffee, so I went there preparing to get coffee. It was about 11:00, so I’d already had breakfast. But then he told me he was hungry. Which, fine, go ahead and get something to eat. But we didn’t even get coffee yet. Instead, I’m walking around with him while he tries to decide what to get to eat. What he finally decided on, I don’t think I’ll ever understand.

Y’all. He went to one of the seafood booths. I like seafood, but not at 11 AM on a date. And he got, I kid you not, a whitefish sandwich with onions on an everything bagel .

I feel like if I made a list of foods you shouldn’t eat on a date, I would put all three of those things at the top. Fish. Onions. Everything bagel? I love a good everything bagel but not on a date! Who does that? I was probably more flabbergasted by his choice of food than I should be, but I was just very confused by this decision.

But then, because Anton decided to get food, we couldn’t just walk around. We had to wear masks inside the market but I figured once we got the coffee we could walk around the area outside and stay under the awnings. Since he wanted to eat, though, we had to go outside and sit in the rain. First he got all annoyed that the tables were wet. Like yes, that is usually what happens when it’s raining, things get wet.

I was able to pull my jacket down to sit at least. We wouldn’t have even needed to sit if he hadn’t thrown off the plans by getting food to eat there instead of just to go. I’d grabbed a pack of veggies to take home, but that was it I wasn’t planning on eating there because it had always just been coffee, and then I was sitting there watching him eat fish and onions at a wet table. 

While he ate, we talked a bit more and it was extremely apparent that we have virtually nothing in common. I sat there staring into the distance begging myself to think of something to talk about on more than one occasion. During one of our silences, I decided to ask if he had any pets and if he liked animals. Specifically, dogs, and he said no! He said he used to be afraid of them but isn’t anymore, but that he doesn’t really like dogs or get why people love them! At that I should have just stood up and left because it’s just not going to work out with me and a dog-hater. Ever. 

When he finally finished eating, he said he had to get home to go back to work but that he’d walk me back to my place. That wasn’t necessary but he insisted. So while we had more awkward forced conversation on the walk, I decided to pull a move my friend Jessica taught me. I lied about which building was mine. I walked him to another apartment building near mine and said it was mine. When I realized I wouldn’t be able to get into the building because I didn’t have a key, I *suddenly remembered* that I had a prescription to pick up at the drugstore around the corner. So I ran off to aimlessly wander the store while he called an Uber from outside my fake-apartment building.

He had given me a hug before we left and said we should hang out again and I gave one of those non-committal “sure” responses. But Anton never texted me. I unmatched him on Tinder. I think it’s a testament to how absolutely awful I am at hiding my feelings because that’s not the first time a guy has done that – ended the date with a tentative next date and then upon seeing and hearing my reaction to that possibility, never followed up. It’s kind of nice, though. I don’t have to turn them down and feel bad for rejecting them. 


So that was the end of the story with The Russian. You know, I’ve always thought I was going to marry someone from another country because I like accents and foreign guys and all that, but the more experience I have with them the more I feel like maybe I really should stick with American boys. At least they probably wouldn’t eat fish and onion sandwiches on a first date.

Chapter 34: Dating Apps – Ranked and My Profile Rules

You know you’ve used too many dating apps when you can create a ranked list of them.

There are a lot of dating apps out there, and I’ve used a ton of them. From Hinge to Happn, Coffee Meets Bagel to Bumble, there are so many options out there. While I’m just one person and my experiences are probably vastly different from someone else’s, I wanted to share my ranking of the apps that I’ve used. So here are eight dating apps ranked in order (worst to best) for your reading pleasure.


8. Happn

Happn gets the bottom spot for two reasons – one, because it’s where I met The Creepy Catfish, and two, because now that I think about it, the premise of it makes me feel like it was the inspiration behind “You.” Seriously, it’s a “Criminal Minds” episode waiting to happen. If it wasn’t that I was asked to download it out of support for someone I don’t even remember, I probably would have never used it because seriously, it’s creepy. How it still exists I don’t really know but I don’t remember having a good experience with finding anyone except for one person that made me seriously question my safety and consider entering a convent. So, Happn gets put at the bottom of the list. Easily.

7. Coffee Meets Bagel

I only used Coffee Meets Bagel for a little bit, but from what I remember I didn’t have much luck. I know some people have had success, and I’ve heard that of all the dating apps they tend to have the highest number of highly educated users, but that wasn’t my experience. If I’m remembering correctly, I talked to maybe two people during my brief stint of being active on it. To be fair, I was using this in Orlando where (no offense) there are VERY slim-pickings when it comes to straight, available men who are also boyfriend-material so maybe I’d have a different experience if I used it now. I was also kind of confused at the functionality of the app and didn’t feel like I was using it correctly but again that’s kind of a personal perspective. Regardless, I wasn’t a fan.

6. OKCupid / Plenty of Fish

I put OKCupid and Plenty of Fish together only because I genuinely don’t remember which of them I actually used, and in general I get them confused and don’t really know the difference. Dating apps all start to run together after a while. I know I used one of them, and by “used” I mean I created a profile, went to bed, woke up to over 50 messages, got overwhelmed, and closed my account. Listen, I know I’m a catch but there is clearly a bad gender ratio on there if I’m waking up to over 50 messages after less than 12 hours of making a profile. I know people who’ve met their significant other on both of these apps, but I’m too lazy to weed through dozens of messages to find someone who knows the difference between “your” and “you’re.” So it was not my thing.

5. EHarmony

Y’all already know how I feel about EHarmony, and if you don’t, go back and read my review of it here. Yes, it’s supposed to be one of the most trusted and successful paid dating sites, but again, I was not a fan. I hate the way that you “unmatch” someone, I hate how much information they force you to provide in order to get the full benefits that you already paid for, and I was not finding quality men on there considering the price of it. The only reason it’s not lower is because I feel bad shit-talking them as much as I have so I gave them a couple of bonus points to be nice.

4. Clover

Clover is another one of those apps that I think I used for maybe a week total, if that. When I got no matches after a week or so, I deleted it. I’m impatient.  However, I do give them points because I like how many features they offer and that they seem to really be trying to create a quality app that people can use for a variety of reasons. I don’t feel like it’s as well-known as some of the others so it isn’t used as much, but I feel like if they keep up with being innovative and maybe increase their social media presence it could get more popular easily.

3. Hinge

I’ve actually had the most success with getting good matches that led to good dates on Hinge, but because it’s where I met The Stalker and it took them several months to respond to my numerous attempts to report him, they got bumped on the list. They’re still top three because again, I know it’s a good app and lots of people have had really good luck and success stories, but I don’t like that they didn’t seem to care about users’ safety. It’s a shame because I actually like the matching method on there the best, but safety is very important to me, so they got moved to third.

2. Tinder

Call me crazy but I actually like Tinder. Do I expect to meet the love of my life on there? No. But, I have met a handful of guys who’ve at least provided me with a good story for here. I know that Tinder is considered more of the “hookup” app and not relationships, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fun to use from time to time. I feel like Tinder is kind of like that person you know that’s really popular and even though you want to hate them because of their reputation, you just can’t. It’s simple and straight-forward, and even though I’m pretty positive most of the ‘people’ on there are bots or catfishers, I don’t totally hate it.

1. Bumble

I’ve actually only had mediocre success on Bumble, but I like the app as a whole the best. I like that it’s simple and to the point, I like the design, and I like the different filters. I also like that they’ve kind of adopted some of Hinge’s ideas and now instead of having all photos you can answer prompts to add to your profile, too. I really like that girls message first because sometimes I accidentally swipe on someone I didn’t mean to on dating apps and I feel bad ghosting them if they message me first. I also feel like it’s just a bit safer that way. Plus, they provide some ideas for opening lines which I think is pretty cool. Overall, I feel like it has mostly good quality people on there, it’s easy to use, I feel safe, and I haven’t met anyone crazy off of it (yet), so it’s my number one.


Maybe it’s just me, but I personally have a set of “guidelines,” if you will, of what I look for on a guy’s profile. Okay, it’s more like a list of “Don’ts” that, unless they look like Liam Hemsworth, get them an immediate swipe left.


My Rules

  1. No more than one “holding a fish” photo.
  2. No more than one mirror photo – and if he has a mirror photo/gym selfie, his face has to be in it, too.
  3. He’s allowed to have a group photo, but if ALL of the photos are group photos, it’s a no-go. I’m trying to find a match, not play a game of Guess Who?
  4. I allow one grammatical or spelling error, but if he doesn’t know the difference between “your”/”you’re” and “there”/”their”/”they’re,” unfortunately, it’s an automatic nope.
  5. If he doesn’t have anything written in his bio, it makes me wonder if he’s capable of having a conversation. It depends on the rest of the profile is this ends up being a no.
  6. No ridiculous abbreviations. Does it really take so long to write a full sentence? No. Just use full words, please.
  7. A cute cat or dog in a photo can cancel out one (and only one) of the rules above to put them in potential swipe-right territory.

Do you agree with my ranking? Or, do you have any suggestions for dating apps I should try? Christian Mingle, Farmers Only, I’m open to suggestions. Let me know in the comments!

Chapter 31: The Werewolf

I know what you are…

After only a few days on Tinder, I matched with a guy that I’ll call Jacob. Just before matching with him, though, my friend Mary had sent me a funny story about a girl who only talked to her matches in “Twilight” quotes. Given that I was reading “Midnight Sun” (please tell me I’m not the only one) and have been reliving my high school days of being obsessed with the books and movies, I thought that this was hilarious. So we decided that the next match I had, I would try that.


Jacob was the next guy I matched with, so he was the lucky man that got to be on the receiving end of some weird messages. 

I opened with the classic, “You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you.” And it went from there. Jacob was a very good sport about it, and when he asked where I lived and I replied, “Forks, Washington,” he got instant bonus points for answering with an amazing pun and saying, “Get the Fork out of here with that.” 

Finally, I told him what I’d been doing and he thought it was pretty funny. Apparently, it didn’t scare him off at all that I was quoting a book I read when I was 16, and he was still into me, so we continued talking. 

After a couple of days, Jacob asked me when we could get together and I said I wasn’t sure, but maybe that night if he was around. He had a different idea and wanted to meet earlier. He offered to come over and hang out on his lunch break in just a little bit. But, me being the crime junkie I am, I don’t let random people come over so I asked if we could meet in public first. Apparently, he was very anxious to meet with me so he suggested that we FaceTime instead. 

So, right after I got back from my run that morning, we FaceTimed and talked for a little bit before I took a shower and he got ready to come over on his lunch break that day. I decided that he wasn’t giving off serial killer vibes or any other kind of red flag, so I sent him my address. He came over, we hung out for a bit, and then he left. It was probably one of the weirdest and most random “first meetings” I’ve had – except for when I met The Bartender at a Best Buy parking lot, but it was also very enjoyable.

He told me that he’d always wanted a friend with a swanky apartment, so we should hang out again soon, and I agreed. It was also good timing because I’d just made my apple cider cakes and needed someone to share them with so they didn’t go bad. However, part of my plan with sharing them with him was that I was hoping he’d put the cake pans back up for me because they go in a cabinet that I can’t reach without a step ladder, and he’s very tall, but of course I forgot to ask him. I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t put a couple of tasks aside because I’m definitely hoping I can charm him to help me with them next time he comes over. 

Photo by Vincent Peters on Pexels.com

Honestly, he’s a really fun guy and extremely funny. He seems very genuine, too. We took turns showing off pictures of our nieces and bragging about them, and anyone who loves their nieces/nephews as much as I love mine is good in my book. He’s smart, has a good job, and kind of seems like a big teddy bear which is why I went with calling him Jacob over Edward – he definitely gives off more of a werewolf vibe than a vampire vibe. Considering that back in the height of my “Twilight” phase I was mostly Team Jacob, I’m perfectly happy with this. 


The second time we hung out, it was equally brief, but still fun. We’ve talked about our love of true crime and Netflix documentaries, another bonus in my book, and I think I might have finally found a man who loves pizza the way that I do. We actually have a good amount in common, too.

He sends me funny and actually kind of sweet snap chats. He’s been good so far about remembering details about me, and so far he hasn’t done anything to piss me off. All good signs. 

We have some of the weirdest hang outs, honestly. The most recent time I saw him was right after I took the LSAT. I was too tired to go out and I just wanted to enjoy not having anything to do, but I was bored and kind of lonely in the hotel I was staying at (I took the test in a hotel room and figured I’d stay the night), so he came over. He was so excited for me that I was done because he knows how hard I’ve been studying. He wished me luck and told me I was going to kill it like every day for the three days leading up to the test, which is a lot more than I can say for a good amount of people who’ve known me for way longer. 

We hung out and talked and enjoyed how comfy the hotel bed was, and it’s kind of funny too because I feel like he’s one of the few guys where I haven’t felt like I had to know EVERYTHING about him after a week, so I feel like every time I see him I learn more about him and he learns more about me, which is probably how it should be. This time we talked about our sometimes crazy families and how much we both love Thanksgiving. He also saw my stuffed sloth that I have and had brought with me (I just like cuddling, okay?) and got me to tell him all about my slightly-obsessive fascination with sloths. And he STILL wasn’t scared off. He actually seems very into my weirdness. I’m a fan. 

He actually did tell me that last time. When he saw the sloth and teased me about it for a second and I let it slip that I really love sloths, and still have sentimental stuffed animals, and admitted that that’s a little weird, he replied that he knows I’m kind of weird, he could tell right away, but that’s part of why he likes me. It’s nice to feel like I don’t have to hide my weirdness around him and I can just be myself and not be worried that my quirks will scare him off.


My old roommate in Orlando, Chelsea, is fascinated by this and is convinced we’re going to get married. She also thinks it’s amazing and a classic “only Madeline” thing that I would end up actually having some sort of thing with a guy that I started off with talking to only in “Twilight” quotes, and honestly I agree with her. Considering I recently had a guy from Tinder stop talking to me because I wouldn’t send him pictures of my vagina (true story) and another from Bumble tried to bait me into a political debate, I’ve obviously had guys ghost me for less weird things – or no reason at all. 

So, we shall see what happens with Jacob. I’m hoping I have more stories with him soon because he seems cool and like he could give me some more fun material. For now, I’m just hoping he doesn’t imprint on my unborn child. 

Chapter 23: One Hit Blunders, Part IV – The Cheapskate and The Funcle

Welcome back to another week of One Hit Blunders! Today, you get to meet two men – one from Boston, The Cheapskate, and one from Florida, The Funcle. Let’s go. 


The last date I went on in Boston before the world shut down was with Charles, I guy that I accidentally matched with when I went back on Hinge for all of about 36 hours way back in February (man, that feels like years ago) and ended up going out with.

Charles is an accountant for something important, I honestly cannot remember, but I do remember that I definitely did not mean to match with him because he didn’t seem like what I was looking for, nor did he really match the physical attributes I usually go for. But, I matched with him nonetheless and I’m too nice to be like, “Whoops sorry meant to swipe left!” so we started talking.

To be totally fair, I wasn’t really interested in ANY of the guys I was matching with because I was already 100% positive that I was already in love with someone else that I’d met just before this, The Rollercoaster. He’s coming up next week, but he lives on the West Coast so to be realistic and not obsess over him too much, I was still exploring other options in Boston just to protect myself. Fair warning before next week’s post, get yourself LOTS of wine. I will absolutely be drinking a very big glass of it while I write next week’s post to get me through it, and I can only imagine how long next week’s post will be — but, I don’t want to give TOO much away. For right now, all you need to know is that I was in love with him and didn’t really want to be going out with The Cheapskate, but my friends convinced me to go out just for kicks and giggles and I figured it couldn’t hurt. Anyway, let’s get back to the story.

So, Charles and I talked for a bit, and he asked for my number. Considering I didn’t even want to match with him, I pulled my classic trick of giving him my Google Voice number, which turned out to be an excellent decision. 

He asked me out to lunch, and since he lives and works near Beacon Hill, which isn’t too far from me, I told him to pick a spot he could get to easily after his morning at work wrapped up. He picked a restaurant that turned out to have some very interesting food, but I went with it. 

The day we met up, I immediately knew I was in for a future dating blog story. He was wearing a very strange trench coat despite the fact that it wasn’t even really that cold at the time, and he seemed very concerned about not letting it touch the floor even for a second. We sat down at the bar, which was at least a kind of good distraction from the fact that he was shorter than I thought (seriously, guys, AGAIN?) and he ordered a beer and asked me what I wanted, and I said I’d get a hard cider since I don’t drink beer.

Apparently, this was offensive to him and I “should have told him before” that I don’t drink beer, which I just rolled my eyes to because it isn’t a big deal to me. The bartender overheard me say this and offered to give me a sample of a beer he thought I’d like, I thanked him and said that would be great, thanks. He went and got me a little glass for the sample and sets it in front of me, and Charles took it and had the first sip, even though it was for me! It was so weird.

The food was awful but the only thing worse was the conversation. Half of me felt like I was in a job interview while the other half of me felt like I was some B-list celebrity being asked weird questions on the red carpet hoping I’d say something scandalous so that the reporter who asked it could feel special. It was weird, he talked an awful lot about himself, and anything that was asked about me immediately got brought back to him. No, thank you.

Even better, I remember that he only ordered an appetizer – that he had to ask the server 50 questions about before he’d agree to order it – and made some really judge-y comments when I ordered a burger and fries. I know I’m not a Victoria’s Secret model, and guess what, I don’t want to be – I love my body. So to any guy who thinks it’s okay to comment on what a girl orders and eats, and actually DOES comment on what she eats, I say this to you from the very bottom of my heart – I hope you remain single forever. No girl deserves to deal with an insecure jerk like that.

But the real kicker was when the bill came. As you know, I always offer to pay my half but never expect to actually do so. Now, keep in mind what I said before – Charles is an accountant for a big company, and he lives on Beacon Hill (which if you don’t know, is one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Boston) in a place where he can park his luxury car easily. So, he is not hurting in the money department. Meanwhile, I’d been telling him about my woes of being unemployed until I started a new job at the end of the month. He didn’t let me pay, but he did tell me I could cover the tip (which was still a considerable amount), and left me with a, “You can pay the next time.” How about no, because there definitely will not be a next time?

I had told him while we were eating that I wanted to go shopping on Beacon Hill at some point soon, and he offered to walk me since he was heading home, but I fibbed and told him that I couldn’t go that day. Instead, I went back towards my place a couple of blocks until I figured he couldn’t see me, hid in a shop for a bit, and then came back out and went shopping.

Later that day, he messaged me about getting together and I pulled my go-to line, trying to be nice but firm. His response was literally just, “Oh come on, I know you’re into me.” I was none too pleased at his attitude so I pretty much just said, “Actually, I’m not. I didn’t enjoy our date at all. Bye.” He tried to respond to that, but I didn’t answer. I blocked him. Just another story for the book… well, blog.


When coronavirus started to get bad, my mom told me she did not want me to be up here in Boston by myself, so she told me to come home to Florida, which I gladly did.

After awhile, my family all made the collective decision that I needed to go on Bumble or something while I was there, if nothing else, to make new friends and just get me out of the house since for most of the five months I was there the two people I hung out with the most were my mom and my three year old niece. So, I went back on Bumble. 

My sister in law had a grand time living vicariously through me, since dating apps didn’t really become a thing until after she met my brother, so she did some swiping for me which led to my parents – mostly my dad – feeling left out. My dad wanted to know how Bumble worked and I said we could mirror my phone to the TV in the living room and he could help me. We were kind of joking, but actually, that’s exactly what we did.

A few nights of quarantine, my parents and I gathered in the living room and I’d set my phone up to display on the TV, and remind them of my rules:

  1. No more than one fish photo.
  2. No more than one mirror selfie.
  3. I don’t play Guess Who – if all of the photos are group shots, it’s a no.
  4. No kids (too complicated). 
  5. Proper use of their/they’re/there and your/you’re. 
  6. Actually has at least something interesting in their bio, and/or at least a question or two answered. 

Really, these are not too crazy of guidelines – yet it was very difficult to find decent matches.

But, I did match with Eddie, who we all liked because he called himself a “funcle” and had some cute pictures with his nieces and nephews. As someone who is also obsessed with their nieces, I figured we’d get along. 

We talked a bit, and then he asked me out and I figured I was being smart about being around people, and I was okay with doing a semi-socially distanced date so long as we were outdoors. We met at a tiki bar, and he got there a few minutes before me which allowed him time to order a drink without me – I don’t know, is that weird that it kind of bothered me? 

He seemed nice enough, but guess what, I had ANOTHER height liar! Maybe I’m just really bad at estimating people’s heights, but he definitely seemed shorter than he said, or he had really bad posture. He also did not look a ton like his photo in general, but I let it slide and decided to try to have fun regardless.

Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

I did not have fun. Again, the conversation was lagging, with way too many awkward silences for me to count and a lot of me just staring at my drink hoping that it would magically give me inspiration on literally ANYTHING to talk about that would result in a conversation longer than two minutes long. It failed. I had also told him beforehand not to take it personally if I didn’t hug or anything, I was trying to be safe with corona, and to please respect that but he still hugged me like three times over the course of the night, and it was that awkward thing where I kind of just stood there with my arms at that weird “caught by surprise” angle not knowing what to do. Overall, it was just not a good night and I finally told him I had to be home soon (my brother did give me a curfew, after all) and left.

And I never heard from him again. Another little thing I like is when a guy at least makes sure that I get home safely after a date, but he didn’t even do that. I just never heard from him, which was fine with me. I unmatched with Eddie, and called it another loss but also a gain because at least I got a free drink out of it. Honestly though, I hope that he’s more fun with his nieces and nephews than he was with me. 


And that brings us to the end of another One Hit Blunders! Don’t forget the wine for next week – see you soon!

Charmed

“What do I say back to this?”

“His profile picture is him holding a fish, but otherwise he seems nice – should I swipe right?”

“It’s midnight and he asked me if I’m up, should I respond?” 

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has had conversations like the ones above with their friends. And for everyone who has had these conversations, or other similar ones, you know how hard it is to get genuine advice when you’re too busy trying to organize the screenshots of messages into the right order, or remembering if your friend is talking about Joseph the Engineer or Joseph the DJ – which will absolutely impact what you tell them to do next. Without having the full picture of your friend or family member’s potential love prospects, it’s difficult to help them make the best choices. 

Charmed.app

This is where the new app Charmed comes in. While it’s not a traditional dating app, it is a dating advice app. Essentially, it integrates with your dating profile account so that anyone can have access – your mom, sister, best friend, roommate, etc. – and view your matches to then give feedback and advice. While it currently only integrates with Tinder, soon, you’ll be able to link to other dating apps! So when you can’t think of a good opener to send the guy you’ve got your eye on, or you can’t think of a way to change the subject with the girl who seems great but talks way too much about her cat, your friends and family can now have a much easier way to suggest that amazing line that will help you get back on track. 

Dating apps can be frustrating – trust me, I know – and Charmed aims to make it a little bit easier. Its CEO, Taylor Margot, and Co-Founders Jack Peterson (CXO) and David Blanchard (CTO) know that sometimes, it takes a village to find a good match and keep them. I know I’m not alone in valuing the opinions of my friends and family (I literally tell my mom everything), and I’m sure that they’re just as tired of receiving screenshots of potential matches as I am sending them. So, having a way to share my matches with them and get feedback and suggestions right through the app would make the headache of dating apps much more bearable. 

Having been on both sides of the dating app friendly advice dynamic – seeking and providing – I know that Charmed is solving a problem that MANY people can relate to – no magic wand required. And especially during a time when dating apps are pretty much the only method of meeting people, it would be so much easier (and frankly, more fun) when your trusted loved ones can be involved in a much simpler way. 

As the very wise Spice Girls once said, “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Having my friends get more involved with my crazy dating life from the start, giving feedback and advice, could have saved me from lots of frogs, and, I mean, a girl can only ask a guy what his favorite dinosaur is as an opening line so many times before she realizes she really needs a new line. It’s me. I need a new line. Any suggestions?

Charmed aims to revolutionize online dating, and I for one am very on board with that plan. 

To get on their waitlist and have early access to the app when it launches, visit their website at www.charmed.app

You can also follow them on social media for more information:

Instagram @charmed.app | Facebook https://www.facebook.com/thecharmedapp | Twitter @charmed_app

Chapter 2: The Creepy Catfish

In college, I really didn’t date much. Most of my dates to sorority semis and formals were friends, or friends of friends, so except for the time that I kind of stole my friend’s formal date and asked him out (with her permission!), I didn’t date. That is, until my senior year.

When I got back from my College Program and was back in Boston for my final semester, I was pretty hung up on Christian (don’t judge me) and having some serious symptoms of Disney-withdrawal. Meanwhile, he decided to get back together with one of the girlfriends he’d dated when he was a teen, telling me that he was only with her because he missed me so much, he had to be with someone else to ease the pain of me not being there… I was an idiot, I know. So to get over him and how much I missed Disney, I thought dating a bit would help me, too.

Have you ever heard of the app Happn? It’s an app where basically, you can match with and chat with people that you’ve already crossed paths with – at the coffee shop, waiting for the T, in the store, etc. A friend of mine had something to do with it so I downloaded it out of support, and I matched with this guy. We’ll call him Adam.

Adam looked cute. He was smart, looked like he was tall and in pretty good shape, and just generally seemed nice from his profile. We chatted for a couple of days on the app, then he asked for my number. So we texted for a bit, and then spoke on the phone a few times (yes, I am that person who likes to talk on the phone). He kept telling me how pretty I sounded and how cute my voice is, and asked me out. I told him I wanted to go bowling, and he said that would be great. Fun fact for any guy who wants to date me – bowling will ALWAYS be my favorite and #1 choice for a first date activity! 

The night of our date comes, and he calls me 30 minutes before we’re supposed to meet to tell me he’s going to be late. Like, two hours late, because he decided to go visit a friend that afternoon and lost track of time. Okay, fine. Then, he tells me that actually, he doesn’t want to go bowling, he thinks we should just get hot chocolate. Okay? I tell him I’ll meet him at Max Brenner, which if you don’t know, is like a chocolate restaurant/bar in Boston that has amazing hot chocolate and desserts. 

Photo by Fallon Michael on Pexels.com

I show up to meet him – he’s still a few minutes late – and let’s just say, I was cat-fished. HARD. He wasn’t nearly as tall as his photos made him look – which wouldn’t have bothered me if he didn’t lie about it. He was also about 20 pounds heavier than his photos, had awful skin, and really bad teeth. Literally none of this was shown in the photos – I don’t consider myself a vain person, and I value personality over looks, but if you’re going to lie about your appearance THAT much, I’m going to be a little irked . But, being the polite person I am, I figure I’d give him a chance. The real kicker is that then he actually had the audacity to say to me that he was so glad I actually looked like my photos because he would have been really mad if I didn’t, and if I wasn’t hot as my pictures made me look he probably would’ve left. Okie dokie.

So then, he tells me that he doesn’t want to go to Max Brenner’s. “Let’s just go to Starbucks,” he says. I’m sorry, WHAT? I have enough Starbucks gift cards to last me a year, I did not need him to buy me a $5 hot chocolate that I wouldn’t even like (Starbucks makes disgusting hot cocoa, comment if you agree). But there we are, at a Starbucks, with him talking over me and interrupting me, and me just trying to get this date over with. He brought up no less than 10 times that he works at Harvard, but he probably couldn’t have even told you what I was in school for.

While on a walk back to my apartment, he tries to hold my hand. I say no, because I’m not comfortable with that when I don’t know him well at all. For some reason, he thinks that because I don’t want to hold hands, backing me against a tree is totally okay. I finally get him to keep moving, and we end up at my apartment so I bring him inside to the lobby area for a bit, figuring if I need to I can make a quick escape. I don’t remember all the details of the conversation, but I do remember him asking me why I didn’t want to hold hands and me saying that I just wanted to take things slow, so he told me if I wasn’t going to put out, he could walk across the street to any bar and pick up any girl he wants. He then proceeds to tell me about how when he goes out with the other Harvard guys, they compete to see how many girls’ numbers they can get and he always wins. I asked if he ever actually called the girls and he said no. When I told him how rude that was and how hurtful that could be to a girl, he laughed.

But my favorite part of all this was when I opened up about Christian, and how that was all very recent and part of why I was hesitant to go crazy with physical stuff, and he tells me, “You’re pretty, but honestly, no guy is going to want to be with you if you’re like this with physical stuff on the first date. You’re pretty fucked up, I don’t think anyone is ever going to love you.” 

Somehow, my idiot self though that despite this absolutely asshole-ish comment, it would be okay to let him use my bathroom. Bad idea. He used the bathroom and then he wouldn’t leave. I kept asking him to go, and he wouldn’t budge. He more or less told me in so many words that I couldn’t stop him from doing anything he wanted (he was still bigger than me), so when he went to hug me, I let him all while taking inventory of what items I could use as a weapon, and which of my knives would be the easiest and fastest to get to. Finally, my fake-playing nice got him to agree to leave. 

On his way out, he texts me asking what my problem is because he could tell I wasn’t happy. I told him I didn’t appreciate the way he talked to me, or about women in general, and that I didn’t think we hit it off. After acting like a little bitch for a minute, he shut up. Meanwhile, I was sleeping with a knife next to bed after calling Christian crying three times about how awful the date was. So much for trying to get over him, right?

Because guys like this ALWAYS have to make a reappearance, like the serial killer at the end of a slasher film, about a year or two later, I randomly got a text from a new number saying, “Hey it’s Adam from Harvard, remember me?” First of all, working at Harvard is not a personality trait like he seems to think it is, but that’s not what I said in my reply. Instead, I responded, “Hey! Yeah, I think I remember you. You’re the self-absorbed, pompous asshole who told me I was too fucked up to be loved, right?” And then blocked him. 

Moral of the story, don’t use Happn — you never know what kind of creep you’re going to meet. Fortunately, I’m an eternal optimist so after some time to process everything that happened, I decided that because I didn’t date much in college, this was just all of the bad dates I was supposed to have by this point in one night… right?