Chapter 44: I Deleted My Dating Apps ft. The Baseball Player and The Namecaller

Y’all, I just couldn’t do it anymore – I deleted my dating apps. 

A few weeks ago, I deleted Tinder and Bumble. But, I did make a Hinge profile specifically so that I can get an idea of what the options are like when I was in Austin and Scottsdale (more on that later). But as of last night, when I returned, that was gone, too. 

So, what drew me to make this decision? Honestly, a lot of things.


1. Quality

The biggest reason was that I have just not been finding quality guys on these apps. The few times I thought I had someone decent, it was a bust. Take Brad, The Baseball Player. We matched, texted a bit, went out for drinks and apps, and had a really great time. I actually liked him more than I expected to. He has a good job, works really hard (work ethic is one of my biggest non-sexual turn-ons), is tall, and was really nice and very funny the whole time. We shared some amazing appetizers, and I genuinely had a great time. We talked a bit for a couple of days after, and then nothing. He literally just disappeared.  

I’m not saying that Brad isn’t a quality guy. He did have a lot of qualities that I’m looking for. But he clearly didn’t have one quality that is extremely important to me – communication skills. Either he wasn’t willing to make the effort, or didn’t know how to (and I don’t want to be the one courting a guy). Or, he just didn’t want to tell me he wasn’t interested anymore. No matter what, it just wasn’t a match. 

Besides Brad, I haven’t actually been out with more than one of my recent matches. Frankly, they just weren’t that interesting. I haven’t found a single guy who makes me excited to get a message from him in several months. Yes, I know people can come off as different over text versus in person, but still. It’s just not exciting anymore.

Finally, don’t even get me started on all the catfishers.

2. Quantity

This one is pretty straightforward. I have seen SO many of the same guys on these apps. Some of them I’ve seen each time I’ve redownloaded the apps in a moment of weakness. (This mostly happens when I need an ego boost). Yes, I know that this means that I’m still single, too… but I usually delete my apps if I’m seeing someone. Then, I update them if I go back on. But I’ve seen some guys who have basically the exact same profile which is very suspicious to me – does that mean you’ve just been chilling with the exact same profile for years and haven’t had to get off of it for even a few months? Or, they leave it up while they’re dating someone.

I’ve also even accidentally rematched with guys I’ve matched with on another app before but, for whatever reason, disregarded as someone with actual potential. Then when I realize it, I have to unmatch them again. I really thought Boston was a big city – but the amount of guys I’ve seen MULTIPLE times shows me that is a lie. 

Side note, I saw The Boyfriend again. He’s still lying about who he is, but at least he’s updated his photos. I tried to report him but it wouldn’t let me.

3. Guys Who Hide Behind their Phones

To be fair, this one kind of goes along with “Quality,” but I wanted to make a distinction. It’s one thing to just have a lot of guys that I have nothing in common with. Or guys who don’t know how to actually date. But i’s another to have guys that feel like because they don’t actually know you, they can be mean. 

The amount of guys who immediately turn things sexual is obscene and, if I weren’t such a hopeless romantic, it would make me sad and disheartened. I mean, a lot of guys are sexist anyway but they feel like since they’re on their phones they can get away with it more. 

Then there are the guys who are just straight-up rude. For instance, one specific guy I matched with. I honestly don’t want to waste too much energy coming up with a fake name or nickname for him. I’ll just call him The Namecaller. 

Once we switched to (Google Voice) text, he got kind of weird. Constantly asking me where I was, what I was doing, who I was with. If I went out to dinner, he’d ask me where and then ask how far it was from where I lived.

When I mentioned that a lot of my friends had moved from the city, but then later said I was hanging out with a friend to get him to leave me alone, he made it sound like I just wasn’t allowed to have any friends since I’d told him a lot of them moved. He was always trying to find out where I was and where I lived. He asked several times if I had any roommates. It freaked me out. 

One day, I “accidentally” unmatched him and he flipped out. He started messaging me asking why I unmatched him, and I just said it was an accident. But I also mentioned that his constantly interrogating me on where I was didn’t sit well with me. And, it made me uncomfortable. Then he just started to get rude and unnecessarily sassy. After a bit, I told him that I didn’t see it working out and was no longer interested in going out with him. 

He did not take this well. He got super defensive and accusatory and started insulting me. So I said that if this was how he reacted to a woman saying no to a date – which I had every right to do – I was glad I’d said no. And then he just got even worse. He called me “rude,” and said that he didn’t understand how I expected anyone to want to date me if this was how I was going to be about simple questions. I didn’t even answer. I just blocked him. Sorry, I’ve already had a guy tell me nobody would ever love me – I’m not about to listen to another mediocre manchild tell me the same thing.

The funny thing is he used to live in my building. Luckily, that made it easier to find him and block him on Facebook, too. Just in case. 

4. Time and Energy

We all know that we shouldn’t be spending so much time on our phones, and I am passionate about that. I’ve been actively trying to be less attached to my phone. I turned off most notifications, deleted some of my most used apps, etc. I could think of 100 other things that are a much better use of my time and energy than sitting on my phone swiping on guys that I probably won’t like, or who probably won’t even answer me if we do match. 

I’m trying to better myself. I’m on a big self-love and growth journey right now. And this will help me become the person I want to be. Ultimately, this will help me be someone who is a better girlfriend. Wasting my time on guys who, frankly, aren’t worth it when I could be doing something valuable just doesn’t make any sense to me anymore. 

Especially since so many of the profiles are actually bots that the companies use to keep people interested in swiping for hours on end. It’s just an energy and time sucker. I don’t feel like participating anymore. 

I also believe in the Law of Attraction, and I just don’t have good expectations from dating apps. Sometimes, they don’t make me feel good about myself. I’d rather be out there living my life and being amazing and feeling positive. That way, I’ll meet men who are also amazing and positive.

CHAPTER 43: THE CHEF, PART II

In my last post, I told you that part two of my story with The Chef, Francisco, might be coming. And, guess what? It did. After he randomly reappeared in my life several weeks after our first date, I decided to give him one more chance. 


As I said, he wasn’t completely awful on our first date until the end. He did accept my feedback graciously and maturely and offered what seemed like a genuine apology. Plus, when we talked this time he promised that we’d get appetizers and actually eat this time. So I felt like maybe one more date wasn’t an awful idea. Was that the right call? You can be the judge.


Strike One

We went to a bar that he suggested. He claims to have gone there multiple times over the past few months and it’s a new favorite. However, he didn’t know that it’s about to close. Plus, he needed Google Maps to get there. But anyway, onward we went. 

The bar was okay. It’s definitely a local hotspot because it was very busy, which I expected since it’s about to close. They were out of a lot, so I got a seltzer and he got a beer. Then, we found a spot along a back wall to talk. 

Pretty quickly, I was reminded of why I didn’t feel the spark. But, I was already committed and I didn’t want to be rude and bail. I wanted to give a real second chance, not 10 minutes. Fernando did ask me why I decided to go out with him again. I said because he took my criticism well and apologized. And I had nothing else to do that night. At least I’m honest, right?

At the bar, there was a guy that looked about my age, maybe a year or two older. He was with a girl, but I definitely didn’t get girlfriend/date vibes from either of them. And he kept talking to me. I felt like he was trying to figure out if I was on a date and/or taken. And of course, he was really cute and much more my type. And really funny. He kept finding ways to engage me in conversation, and he’d sort of include Fernando. Meanwhile, I would include the girl he was with – but he was mostly talking to me. 

I could sense Fernando getting annoyed and he immediately started to get possessive. He also started asking me if I wanted to leave, even though he’d just said he wanted another drink. It wasn’t like this guy asked for my number, nor was I flirting with him, we were just being friendly. But Fernando’s reaction to getting possessive was a huge turn-off for me. I’m a “save the last dance for me” kind of girl anyway. But especially if you’re not my boyfriend – you have no right to start acting like it to keep me from talking to any other male in our vicinity (unless he’s creepy and I’ve asked you to). 

Maybe I’m in the minority on this, but getting weirdly possessive before you’re “official” is a red flag. So, that was strike one. 


Strike Two

Strike two came as we left that bar and talked about where we’d head next. He told me about this Peruvian place that he really liked but it was a bit further. I looked at the menu and honestly, I’m pretty adventurous but I didn’t see anything I was dying to have. Ceviche was on my list of things to try, but not that day. I also thought that we’d be getting real food, and considering how much he likes to drink – and pressure me to do so, too – I didn’t think raw seafood was the right thing to be in my stomach. 

So, I told him I wasn’t sure about it this time and he said we could go someplace closer. We didn’t. He started walking towards where he had parked his car. I didn’t really know what to say because I didn’t want to argue, so I followed along. Honestly, I think he just wanted to show off his car. He’d already mentioned to me several times over text and on our date that he recently got a Tesla. I’ve been in that position before. It was pretty clear to me that he was just trying to show off. Not my thing.

We went to this Peruvian place, and it was cute. The drinks were pretty good. I did try ceviche, but he didn’t ask what kind I wanted to try. Whatever he ordered had a lot of squid/octopus – which is one of the types of seafood that I’m REALLY not a fan of. I tried one bite. It wasn’t for me. So I basically sat there and watched him eat. Not going to lie, I might have also thought about how I could find the guy from my bar once or twice, too. 

Finally, we left there and went back to the area we had started in. He wanted to go to another bar that’s one of his new “favorites.” I’ve been there once before with The Cheater one time when I was hungry and made him buy me chicken fingers. They were pretty good, but this bar is not exactly one that I’d write home about. I wasn’t really sure why he loved it so much, but I figured at least maybe I’d finally get some food.

Instead, this is where strike 3 (but not the last strike) occurred. 

Strike Three

By this point in the night, I was done but just didn’t have an exit strategy yet. Plus, I wanted chicken fingers. But it seemed Fernando forgot about the promise of appetizers. Again, all he was focused on was getting me to agree to another drink. He wanted me to have a tequila shot with him even after I’d said several times I didn’t want one. I don’t even like tequila. I literally have one friend with who I’ll do tequila shots with and that’s only because it’s her. Finally, I caved and ordered a cider just to shut him up. I told him I was looking at the food menu but he didn’t say anything. When the waiter came by, he told him we didn’t need anything. So I realized no appetizers yet again.

The real kicker, though, was when the bill came. To give him a bit of credit, at least Fernando consistently paid for me. But apparently, that’s where his giving ends because he didn’t tip the server. 

I had kind of noticed something before, on our first date and the earlier bars from that night. He filled out the receipts REALLY quickly. I figured since he’s a chef and has worked in restaurants maybe he’s just really good at doing quick math. This time, though, I could see that he clearly didn’t write anything in the tip line. From what I could see, simply copied the total amount.

I honestly wouldn’t have minded if he’d asked me to cover the tip. It was better than the alternative. But I couldn’t tell for sure, so as we went to leave I lied and told him I needed to go to the bathroom. When he had his back turned, I looked at the check and realized that he had maybe tipped a dollar, but his handwriting was pretty bad. But to me, it looked like he didn’t tip at all. 

This is a huge pet peeve of mine and a major red flag for me. It’s a zero-tolerance item. I mean, I’m the kind of person who tips 20% on a to-go order, but still. I went back by the restrooms and took out the few dollars I had in cash. When I found our server, I asked if he’d been tipped and he said he didn’t think so. I apologized that he hadn’t been tipped and gave him a tip myself.


The Confrontation

Maybe I should have just left it, but that’s not my style. So when I went outside to Fernando, I decided to ask him what his dating dealbreakers are. He said people who don’t have a sense of humor and get offended by everything. That reminds me — he told me a joke earlier, after confirming that I don’t get offended easily. I honestly didn’t get it but I feel like if I did, I would have actually been offended by it. Instead, I was just offended by how stupid it was. So his was that and messy/disorganized people.

At this point, he kept putting his arm around me. He was clearly oblivious to the fact that every time he did I’d put my hands in my pockets. I’d basically recoil trying to make myself as small as possible. Or, I’d find a way to escape his very awkward embrace. He still kept trying.

But anyway, back to the dating dealbreaker. He asked for mine. I said that smoking was a big one, but I usually didn’t even go out with smokers unless I didn’t know before the date. But that really, my biggest one was bad tippers. 

He got silent. But I carried on, saying that I think the way a person treats someone in the service industry says a lot about you. I was raised with the mentality of always treating the janitor with the same level of respect as the CEO. It’s important to me that the guy I end up with feels the same way. He tried to agree but it really didn’t sound very convincing to me. It also made me realize that I hadn’t seen him be particularly polite or respectful to any servers we’d encountered. Not even basic manners of making eye contact or saying “please” and “thank you.” That kind of thing. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have been surprised that he didn’t even tip. 

I figured I’d just keep going since I was feeling feisty. (Maybe that guy who found my blog is right, I am ruthless). I said that insecurity is also a dealbreaker for me. Basically, that I’m not into guys who feel like they have to “stake their claim” on me in public. Or that constantly ask me for validation or to reinforce that I do like them, and just have a general “pick me, choose me” vibe. I also don’t like cocky guys, but it is possible to be in the middle. 

Finally, I tacked on that a dealbreaker for me is when a guy shows that he isn’t willing to impress me on the first couple of dates. I don’t need a fancy steak dinner, but if you’ve forgotten to make sure that I get food when I’ve asked (and would’ve paid for myself) twice now, it’s not going to work out. You know I’m traditional in believing that a guy should pay for the first date. After that, I’ll split but I still think that the first few dates a woman should be “wooed.” And I’ll woo you back! It’s a two-way street.

The way I see it? If a guy isn’t willing to spend more than the bare minimum amount of money or energy on impressing me and making me feel special at the start, how can I expect him to give me more than the bare minimum later on after he has gotten in my pants? 

Just because I was in a “screw it” mood by this point, I mentioned that in my experience, it’s the guys that make a point to brag about their high salary, fancy apartment, and/or flashy new cars (*cough* Tesla) that tend to be the worst about making me feel like I’m not worth more than a couple of drinks. I value character and experiences over material objects. 

After all of that, you’d think he’d have gotten the picture yet he still kept trying to hold my hand. I would basically dead-hand him, or only give him like 2 of my fingers. But he was determined. 

Finally, I think he got it when we were close to where his car was parked. I said something about it being late and my apartment not being too far. He offered to walk me back but I politely declined, mostly because I wanted tater tots (but Tasty Burger was closed). He seemed to get it, though and walked away without trying to have any other awkward physical contact with me. 


On the Chopping Block

The next morning, he did text me a bit and say some things about hanging out again. He’d previously offered to cook for me, provided I bring the wine/alcohol, MULTIPLE times despite me changing the subject every single time. But, I didn’t want to be mean and lead him on or waste either of our time. So I told him the truth. 

I pretty much just said that I wanted to be upfront and that it had been fun hanging out, but I didn’t see us as a good match. Which meant I didn’t see this progressing. I said there’s no chemistry or compatibility there for me, and I wanted to respect his time by being honest and clear about that. And then I wished him the best. 

Again, I give Fernando credit because he handles rejection mostly well (except the first time).  He replied that he’d thought about it the night before and it doesn’t seem like there’s chemistry, nor are we in the same place in our lives. And that it was clear from what I’d said on our walk that he was not what I’m looking for. All valid. All true. I mean, I’m strongly leaning towards moving soon (surprise!) so I’m not sure it’s even the right time for me to get into something serious. 

What I thought was kind of funny, though, was that he explicitly said that it was what I’d said about my dealbreakers that made him realize I wasn’t that into him. So he was admitting to being kind of insecure, unwilling to put more effort into planning dates that didn’t only involve alcohol – therefore making me feel like his only goal was to impress me enough to get me drunk so I’d go home with him. And essentially, he admitted to being a bad tipper. So, all in all, my assumptions and feelings were valid. We were really not a good match. 

I thanked him for understanding. I said that I knew I’d find the right guy at the right time, and to have a good weekend. And that was that. I am glad that I gave him a second chance if only because it’s better to know sooner rather than later that it wasn’t going to work so he didn’t keep reappearing. toask. 

So, thank you for the experience, Chef, but you’ve been chopped

Chapter 42: One Hit Blunders, Part VII

If you had asked me a few months ago if I thought I’d end up with this many One Hit Blunders chapters, I’d have said no. But, here we are. 

The weather has been getting nicer and people are getting vaccinated. So that means that I’ve been more actively pursuing dates with some of my recent matches. Unfortunately, neither of them was my dream man, but oh well. Practice makes perfect. Let’s get into it. This week, let’s meet Fernando, The Chef, and Zane, The Protector.


Fernando and I matched on Tinder, and he seemed pretty nice right off the bat. He’s from South America originally but mostly grew up in North Carolina. So we had our home state in common, and it made for good conversation. He’s a chef and actually has a pretty cool job. Like a lot of people, he’d just moved to Boston when COVID happened, so he was eager to meet up. He hadn’t really had a chance to explore Boston yet, and now he could.

I appreciated this because, lately, I’ve really just gotten pen pals out my matches. I was trying to actually meet some of these guys and not just chat forever. So, we made plans to meet up one night after work. 

It was perfect because he works not too far from where I live. We found each other, and set off on our date. We started at a bar not too far from us just. to break the ice. This place Is known for having some pretty cool cocktails, and neither of us had been. The drinks were really good and I enjoyed talking to him. Did I feel major sparks? No. Did he lie about his height? Yes. But still, he seemed like someone I could see myself being friends with. That’s better than nothing, so I was going with it. He paid for my drinks and the appetizer we split, so he also got points for that. We talked about Spain, our families, interests, all that good stuff, and overall, I was enjoying myself.

On our walk from there to another bar in the North End, he asked if he could hold my hand. I have mixed feelings on when guys ask me before doing things like this. Part of me appreciates that he’s into consent, the other part of me doesn’t know what to do. Especially because it makes it weird if/when I say no. I think it’s also probably that little bit of me that likes to think I’m SO irresistible that he can’t help but just hold my hand without asking. But, if I didn’t like him at all and he grabbed my hand, I’d be pissed (see The Creepy Catfish). What I’m really saying here is that unless I’m very into you, and you’re very into me, there’s no winning in this situation. Just take my hand. I’ll pretend to have an itch if I’m not feeling it. 

In any case, we got to the next bar and we continued our conversation. I honestly don’t remember everything that we talked about, but it was nice. I think a lot of it was just being SO happy to get out of my apartment. But also, I wasn’t getting any major creepy vibes and up until that point, he at least seemed to have some social awareness, good manners, and could hold a conversation. That’s where the bar is, y’all. 

At the next restaurant, we continued our conversation and had a drink. At this point, I was starting to get kind of hungry. This meant that the alcohol was also hitting me a little harder (and I’m already a lightweight). So, I suggested getting something to eat. Where we were, the food was a bit pricey and I didn’t really see anything I was dying for, so I thought maybe we could get a slice of pizza from a place down the street that sold slices. Fernando agreed. 

We began walking to get pizza or find somewhere else to eat, but first Fernando had to up the “can I hold your hand?” to a, “can I kiss you?” Again, DON’T ask me. I didn’t know what to say, plus I was hungry. This time, though, I told him that I don’t really like it when guys ask me… but in any case, we kissed. I was half-vaccinated, it’s fine. The kiss was just okay. Apparently, he thought it was great, though. When I said again that I was hungry he said that maybe we could grab a bottle of wine at the store and go to my place. I figured I’d just take him to the rooftop, have some pizza and wine, and then I’d say I was tired and send him on his way. But Fernando had a different idea. 

He immediately started walking towards the grocery store, completely skipping the pizza part. We got there, and I just didn’t have a good vibe anymore. I’d said multiple times at this point that I was hungry and needed to eat something before I drank anymore. So I went to the bathroom and at that point, I got really tired. When I came back out, I told him I wanted to go home. Without him. He definitely seemed disappointed but ultimately relented.

Then came the real “red flag” for me. As you can probably tell by now, I cannot stand extreme insecurity. It’s not even that, really, it’s the “pick me” vibe that some guys give off in moments of insecurity. He basically grilled me the whole way out of the store about why I didn’t want to hang out with him, what he did wrong, was I attracted to him, did I like him, yada yada. It was a huge turnoff. I actually would’ve maybe given him a second chance (without alcohol) until that point. 

Finally, I escaped and went home. He did text me again that night asking if I was interested in him or not. I just wanted to eat a peanut butter sandwich and go to bed. The next day, I texted him and told him that I’d been enjoying myself but it was kind of weird that his response to me saying I needed to eat something was to get more wine and then go somewhere isolated when I was kind of tipsy. I also said that after only one date, I don’t really expect to give or get a full report if someone isn’t feeling it and calls it a night. 

I will give him credit that he actually took it pretty well and didn’t argue. He actually even gave a pretty genuine apology. I wasn’t really upset, more annoyed, and I figured there are other fish in the sea. We did have the “we can be friends” talk but I wasn’t very confident that would happen. We talked one more time after that, but then just left it afterward. I was kind of disappointed that I didn’t get a good homecooked meal out of it, but oh well. So, Fernando the Chef is out. 

Update: I finished writing this section on a Monday night, and Tuesday morning I woke up to a text from Fernando. He is NOT the guy I’ve been trying to manifest so I’m not sure what’s going on here, but he did ask me out again (on a full stomach). So, stay tuned for a potential part two. 

Like I said, as the city started to reopen, it got easier to find people who weren’t terrified to meet in person. So, when I matched with Zane and he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk that weekend I said yes. 

I will give Zane props because he was one of the few guys I’ve been out with that was actually honest about his height. He own the fact that he isn’t 6 foot. But to be totally honest, this date was not the most memorable. I do remember feeling bad because he dressed up way more than I did. Did I feel bad for dressing so casually? Yes, but also no. I mean, it was hot and we were going for a walk and he was wearing dress pants and a long-sleeved shirt.

Zane was nice, but the biggest issue with him was that he was SO protective. He is from another country that’s a bit more patriarchal than I’m used to, so I definitely understand why, but every time we crossed the street he’d put his arm in front of me or try to grab my hand. Sweet intention, but kind of made me feel like a child. Even just the way that he talked about women and everything. It seemed like he is more into the “a woman needs to be taken care of” mentality than I am.

At one point, we got talking about some of the crazy people we’ve been out on dates with and he started talking about a girl who was covered in tattoos. *Allegedly* she was also a bit crazy in some ways, but from what I gathered, it was just crazy that she had a lot of tattoos. I have six tattoos. So, it just didn’t really seem to be a good match. 

We did get dinner but because of the wait times, ended up just ordering it to go and then sitting outside and eating it. This is where it gets interesting. Well, actually, first of all, this man is THE slowest eater I have ever encountered. I’m kind of a fast eater, granted, so everyone is a slow eater to me. But wow, did he take the cake. It was also just kind of weird anyway because it wasn’t even dinner time. It was like 4:00 at this point and had said I wasn’t even hungry. I ended up ordering an appetizer and bringing half home for later. Meanwhile, he ordered like a full-on entree and then proceeded to take 45 minutes to eat it. 

But that’s not what made it interesting. So, quick backtrack. A few months ago, I matched with this guy on Bumble that I’ll call Nate. He was very attractive, seemed smart, a Gemini, and we had a lot in common. Had a good head on his shoulders, a bit older (like 35), and overall, seemed to be more mature and all that. We hit it off really quickly and for a few weeks, he was SO into me. Texting me every morning, remembering details, the works.

But, like so many men on dating apps, he never wanted to meet up. I even made the first move and tried to make plans with him at one point but he was too busy with work. After a bit of dealing with the confusion of his sudden disinterest, I moved on and did my own thing. However, we still followed each other on social media. One night in Arizona, when I had a particularly strong drink, I did ask him why he never made any efforts to actually meet and he said he’d just been busy (mmhmm), but after that I just let it go.

Which is why it was HILARIOUS to me when I stood up from the bench that Zane and I were sitting at to eat and began to turn and continue our walk, when who do I see on the bench right behind me? Nate. With another girl. 

I was mostly just thrilled that I happened to look particularly good that day. I smiled, he recognized me, I said hi, and then strolled away. But honestly, this is how I know I’m the main character because of course something like that would happen to me. Especially because if I’m being totally honest, Zane and Nate do have similar features so it must have been pretty clear to him that I sort of have a type. I texted Nate the next day and make a joke out of it but he didn’t seem to be as amused.

The only other thing that I remember about this date is that he made me rap for him when it slipped that I knew one (and only one) rap song. He literally stopped and sat down and made me do it. Oh, and he also asked to hold my hand. I said no and told him that I’m not particularly affectionate or into PDA (not true, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings). He still did the mom-arm as we crossed streets, though.

When we parted ways, I knew that would be our one and only date. He did ask me out again, but I just used my go-to line about not feeling the spark and wishing him the best. He took it pretty well, and that was that. 


So, that brings me to the end of another One Hit Blunders chapter. I’ll update you if anything happens with The Chef on a potential second date. Until next time! 

Chapter 37: One Hit Blunders, Part VI – The Russian

When I got back to Boston after the holidays, I was eager to get back into the dating world. Like I said in my Q&A last week, lately I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself. After taking lots of “me-time,” I finally feel ready for a real relationship. I just need to meet someone that I want to have a relationship with. With Boston still in the not-fun stages of lockdown, it’s basically out of the question to go out and meet someone the natural way. Which means most of my searching has been on the apps that I live to hate. This is how I met Anton. 

Anton and I matched on Tinder. He looked very tall, has a good job, and is a bit older (I think 34 or 35). Overall , he seemed nice. We started talking and he got kind of flirty pretty quickly. Not in a sexual way, just in an overuse of emojis way. But when I found out he was Russian that somehow explained it. Maybe this is just my own experience with Russians/Eastern Europeans, but I feel like they’ve all been really into emojis. Like, sending me the kissy-face with the heart one right off that bat. Kind of weird, but not a deal-breaker. 

I liked that he seemed very interested in me. He was eager to learn more about me, and he’s smart. So when he asked for my number I came *this* close to giving him my real one. But at the last minute, I decided to stick with the Google Voice one. When I sent to save his number, I realized apparently I’ve matched with too many guys with his name. I ended up having to clarify that he was “the Russian one.” And yes, I save numbers (most of the time). I’m bad with names and if I do end up going out with them, I need to remember who I need to look for. 

We texted back and forth a bit, he kept up with the emojis, but overall no bright red flags. I thought it was funny because I asked what kind of music he liked. He said since he grew up during the 90s he was a big fan of bands like Nirvana. I’m always fascinated by people who grew up in other countries identifying their childhood with American bands. So I agreed to meet him for a date. Nothing crazy, just a coffee date. But, I hadn’t been on a date in awhile so I dressed pretty cute just because I felt like it. It was mostly for myself, though.


We met up at Haymarket, which isn’t too far from my place. Almost immediately, I knew he was not going to be the one for me. I don’t know why, I just had a feeling. I have very strong gut reactions that are usually pretty good at telling me if I’m going to have good chemistry with someone or not. And I was pretty positive I was not going to have it with him. I was right.

First of all, while Anton’s profile pictures were correct in depicting his height, as soon as we were able to take our masks off I realized that I had overlooked one of my biggest rules. Usually on dating apps, I take notice if a guy only has closed-lip smiles. It usually says something about their teeth and smile. I had forgotten to take that into account on Anton’s profile. 

Listen, I understand not everyone likes the dentist. Maybe growing up he didn’t have access to a good one, but I feel like if you live in a city that’s known for its healthcare, you have a good job where you can definitely afford it, and are trying to meet someone, and you still haven’t done anything to just show a bit of an investment in yourself, it’s a bit of a warning. I mean, if you aren’t going to show that you’re willing to practice good hygiene and that you can take care of yourself on a part of you that people see nearly every day (at least pre-mask days), what else are you slacking on?

And to be clear, this wasn’t an, “Oh, he has coffee stains,” or “Could maybe use braces” issue. This was like, ‘needs braces and perhaps other orthodontic work, has probably never had a dental cleaning, and I’m questioning if he even brushes his teeth’ situation. Maybe that isn’t a deal-breaker to most people, but I take pride in the fact that my dentist compliments me every six months. Plus, my smile is one of the things I get the most compliments on. I’m not saying I need a guy to have Julia Roberts-level teeth, but a good smile is important to me.

But that wasn’t even the worst of it. We had agreed to get coffee, so I went there preparing to get coffee. It was about 11:00, so I’d already had breakfast. But then he told me he was hungry. Which, fine, go ahead and get something to eat. But we didn’t even get coffee yet. Instead, I’m walking around with him while he tries to decide what to get to eat. What he finally decided on, I don’t think I’ll ever understand.

Y’all. He went to one of the seafood booths. I like seafood, but not at 11 AM on a date. And he got, I kid you not, a whitefish sandwich with onions on an everything bagel .

I feel like if I made a list of foods you shouldn’t eat on a date, I would put all three of those things at the top. Fish. Onions. Everything bagel? I love a good everything bagel but not on a date! Who does that? I was probably more flabbergasted by his choice of food than I should be, but I was just very confused by this decision.

But then, because Anton decided to get food, we couldn’t just walk around. We had to wear masks inside the market but I figured once we got the coffee we could walk around the area outside and stay under the awnings. Since he wanted to eat, though, we had to go outside and sit in the rain. First he got all annoyed that the tables were wet. Like yes, that is usually what happens when it’s raining, things get wet.

I was able to pull my jacket down to sit at least. We wouldn’t have even needed to sit if he hadn’t thrown off the plans by getting food to eat there instead of just to go. I’d grabbed a pack of veggies to take home, but that was it I wasn’t planning on eating there because it had always just been coffee, and then I was sitting there watching him eat fish and onions at a wet table. 

While he ate, we talked a bit more and it was extremely apparent that we have virtually nothing in common. I sat there staring into the distance begging myself to think of something to talk about on more than one occasion. During one of our silences, I decided to ask if he had any pets and if he liked animals. Specifically, dogs, and he said no! He said he used to be afraid of them but isn’t anymore, but that he doesn’t really like dogs or get why people love them! At that I should have just stood up and left because it’s just not going to work out with me and a dog-hater. Ever. 

When he finally finished eating, he said he had to get home to go back to work but that he’d walk me back to my place. That wasn’t necessary but he insisted. So while we had more awkward forced conversation on the walk, I decided to pull a move my friend Jessica taught me. I lied about which building was mine. I walked him to another apartment building near mine and said it was mine. When I realized I wouldn’t be able to get into the building because I didn’t have a key, I *suddenly remembered* that I had a prescription to pick up at the drugstore around the corner. So I ran off to aimlessly wander the store while he called an Uber from outside my fake-apartment building.

He had given me a hug before we left and said we should hang out again and I gave one of those non-committal “sure” responses. But Anton never texted me. I unmatched him on Tinder. I think it’s a testament to how absolutely awful I am at hiding my feelings because that’s not the first time a guy has done that – ended the date with a tentative next date and then upon seeing and hearing my reaction to that possibility, never followed up. It’s kind of nice, though. I don’t have to turn them down and feel bad for rejecting them. 


So that was the end of the story with The Russian. You know, I’ve always thought I was going to marry someone from another country because I like accents and foreign guys and all that, but the more experience I have with them the more I feel like maybe I really should stick with American boys. At least they probably wouldn’t eat fish and onion sandwiches on a first date.

Chapter 35: The Stage-Five-Clinger

It’s been a minute (or lots of minutes), but I’m back at it!

Welcome back to Confessions of a Singleholic, ladies and gentlemen. Today I have a fun little story for you about my favorite type of person. A guy I’ve never even met getting clingy and needy. This story is brought to you by Tinder or Bumble, I can’t even remember. I’ve decided to call the guy I met Austin. 


Austin and I matched shortly before Christmas, and we began talking pretty quickly after we matched. At first, everything seemed to be going pretty well. Honestly, I’ve been trying to be better lately about not making a snap-judgement about which way to swipe. Austin is one of the guys who got a swipe because I took more than 3 seconds to look for any prominent red or green flags (I’m judgey, I know). I decided he deserved a chance. This is to say that he isn’t exactly what I would think of when talking about the type of guy I want to meet. But, I needed material, and because I love y’all so much I’ve found myself swiping right on people specifically because I thought they could give me a good story. 

In any case, Austin and I started talking and then, as it usually happens, he asked for my number. As usual, I gave him my fake one. (Side note, I recently skipped right to giving a guy I matched with my real number – fingers crossed that doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass later). 

This all happened on Christmas, mind you, but it was a chill holiday for us – like I’m sure it was for many of you. So, it wasn’t a big deal for me to exchange numbers and send a text or two throughout the day. But he immediately started with something that I HATE. He’d occasionally say, “Oh, I hope I’m not keeping you from your family on the holiday.” Meanwhile, he’s also bombarding me with questions.

To be fair, I used to do this with guys. I’d say, “Oh, I hope I’m not bothering you,” but you know when I did that? When I was extremely insecure, had little confidence, and placed 90% of my self-worth in how the guy I was interested in at the time was treating me. So this was an automatic orange-ish flag for me. I’ve spent the past year working on that. I’m not about to bring it back into my life (and future relationships) in a different way. 

But, we kept talking and overall, things were okay. He started asking me when we could go out pretty quickly. I get wanting to make plans and not just be pen-pals (and I’m all for that). But at the same time, it was over the holidays. I’d already said I’d be in North Carolina for an indeterminate amount of time. It was not like he needed to put a rush order on scheduling a date with me. However, that’s exactly what he was trying to do. When I’d say that I wasn’t sure when I’d be back, but would let him know, he’d listen for about three and a half hours before trying AGAIN. 

Photo by Plato Terentev on Pexels.com

He also continued up with the, “Hope I’m not intruding on your time,” thing and, honestly, at that point he kind of was. I was trying to enjoy time with my family. Really, I’m just not someone that’s super attached to their phone anyway, so it was a bit annoying. I have notifications turned off for pretty much every single app so that I’m not constantly on my phone. Also, we were doing lots of outdoorsy things – snowtubing, sledding, etc. – and I had my phone in the pocket of snow pants that made me look like a marshmallow and I was not really about to dig it out with my gloves every five minutes. He also knew we were outside, so not necessary to be trying to get my constant attention and then act like he didn’t want it.

Also, through our conversation I wasn’t getting the idea that he’s overly ambitious – which is totally fine! – but not what I’m looking for in a partner. I have a lot of big plans and dreams, so I definitely need someone who supports and understands that. We really didn’t seem to have a lot in common. So my responses were slowly having more and more time in between them. 


The real kicker, though, was after less than a week of talking he suddenly hits me with, “Part of me feels like I may be losing your interest?” 

I’m sorry, huh? I love when people are upfront. I think it’s commendable to ask instead of hinting or being passive aggressive. But at the same time, I’d told him repeatedly that I was with my family. I also hadn’t even met him yet so I didn’t even know if I was truly ‘interested’ in him anyway.

At this, I told him that I’m not someone attached to my phone. It’s more important to me to be ‘in the moment’ than it is to be a great texter. Pretty much the only people I text back right away are my parents. At this, he got overly apologetic. This put me in a weird spot because then I felt guilty. I was basically consoling him for asking a question. But, I don’t feel like I should have to explain myself over something so silly. Especially after only a few days of talking. Been there, done that.

After that, he apologized and told me how embarrassed he was like three times. It would have just been so much more attractive if he’d just been like, “Okay, great, thanks for explaining.” Then moved on. Over the next couple of days of awkward conversation I felt like I had to be a better texter, but it felt very forced.

The funny thing is that this whole time he kept being like, “I’m just really excited to meet you” every time he tried to make plans several days before I was even planning on being back in Boston. Or when he was “so embarrassed” for asking me if I was losing his interest. I find this hilarious, because after we exchanged Happy New Year’s, I never heard from him again. He was so into me, apparently, and then it just took two days of me not answering his texts immediately and he suddenly lost all interest. I wasn’t sure if we’d have stuff in common, but I was willing to give it a try (and not just for material, I promise). So it was just very weird.

In any case, that was the last time I heard from Austin. I guess he isn’t quite a stage-five-clinger, but pretty much any guy that acts needier than I can sometimes be basically gets placed into that category immediately. Then again, he’s a Scorpio. I think you all know how I feel about romantic entanglements with water signs at this point (hint, not very good) so I guess that explains it. 


So The Stage-Five-Clinger was a bust, but at least he got me back in the writing – and dating – game.

See you next week!

Chapter 33: The Repeat

Take two.

Have you ever matched with someone on an app, and then had them stop talking to you, and then somehow rematched with them later on? That recently happened to me. 

When I saw Naveen’s profile on Bumble a couple of months ago, my first impression was that he was really cute, and seemed very put together! He was also holding a super cute puppy in his main picture and just overall looked like a cool guy from the rest of his profile. 

So, since it was Bumble and I had to start the conversation, I opened up with what I thought was a cute line. I figured that if we hit it off, he could be fun to go out with. I told him that the puppy in his picture was the second cutest thing I’d seen all day, and when he asked what the first was, I said that he was.

And, crickets. 

Naveen did not answer. Side note, I get SO frustrated when that happens regardless of what the opening line was – just in general, like where do these guys go after they swipe right? So many times I’ve matched with a guy, sent him the opening message soon after, and then the match expires because he just doesn’t answer in time – but like, he had to have been on recently for us to have matched? Are they robots? Were they abducted? I don’t know, it’s just annoying.

In any case, Naveen didn’t answer but I figured maybe he was busy so I let it go and went about my day. Well, days. Finally, I figured I needed to clean out my matches that were not going anywhere so I tried one more time with Naveen and still, no answer. So I unmatched him. 


I went off of Bumble for a bit after that because I was getting ready for the LSAT and really focused on studying at that time, and then I had a friend in town, so I just wasn’t as active. But then I decided to go back on just to kill some time and after swiping for a bit, guess who popped up again? Naveen. 

I decided to swipe right on him again just to see what happened, and I was surprised to see that we managed to match again! This time, I tried a different tactic with my opening line and challenged him to show me the last photo in his camera roll on his phone, and he did. I wouldn’t have been surprised if after that he disappeared again like last time, but he didn’t. This time, he was actually very chatty.

As we talked, I realized we had a good amount in common and he seemed very engaged which was quite a shift from last time. We exchanged numbers (well, he did, I gave my fake number) and eventually Instagram usernames (which is basically second base I think) and have been chatting since then. 


Of course, like most guys I’ve experienced on dating apps, he seems keen on trying to get things to go in a sexual direction with our conversations but I quickly change the subject and he goes with it, so I feel like maybe he just thinks that’s what girls are into? I don’t know – it’s definitely like an orange flag and something I’m keeping in mind, but not completely cutting him out. Mainly because I’m running out of stories on here and need to go out on some more dates to get more material. 

But also, he’s offered to cook for me, and he’s currently on a vacation that I’m VERY jealous of but he said he’d take me sometime, so I have to give him some points for that. He also kind of looks like he might actually be royalty or something with how well he dresses and just his overall demeanor from what I’ve seen. Does anyone remember that TLC show, “Secret Prince”? Maybe they brought it back. 

I haven’t told him yet that we already matched, and I’m wondering if he recognizes me from the first time around. So far I don’t think so. I’m waiting for the perfect moment to remind him that we already matched once but I didn’t like his lack of responsiveness. I honestly didn’t even know that you could rematch with somebody, but now I know. 

In any case, I’ve yet to meet Naveen but I’m hoping to do so soon (once he returns from his trip and I know he doesn’t have COVID). But, he seems somewhat promising. Maybe it’s really the second time that’s the charm. 

Chapter 32: One Hit Blunders, Part V – The Joker

Creepy clown makeup not included.

The first guy that I actually went out with after getting back on Tinder and Bumble upon my return to Boston was a guy that I’ve decided to call Clark. 

Clark opened up by asking me something about robbing a bank – I don’t remember exactly what the situation was, but in any case it was a good ice breaker and I thought it was funny and original to start planning a bank robbery (which I’ve never done and will never do), so I went along with it. This is also why I’ve decided to refer to him as “The Joker,” because The Joker from Batman robs banks, plus, this was clearly a joke that we should rob a bank – right?

Clark isn’t really what I usually go for physically, but he was cute and at this time I was just looking to meet new people so I wasn’t being very picky. He was funny, though, and he has a good job and seemed decent so after a bit of back and forth, he asked me out and I said yes. 

We made plans to get drinks at a bar near Quincy Market on a Sunday night, and then about 45 minutes before we were meant to meet he told me he would be running a little bit late. He was having some car issues but he’d let me know when he was leaving. So, at this point I figured it was something fixable but he’d just be late, so I kept getting ready. 

When it was getting closer to our meeting time, though, I texted him again (got to love that Google Voice number) and told him to let me know when he was leaving so I knew when to leave my place. At this time I was completely ready – hair, makeup, all that – since he had never made it sound like the date wouldn’t be happening. Then, a few minutes later after we were scheduled to be meeting, he texted me that he was very sorry but he had to cancel because to fix his car he needed to go get a piece from his mom’s house, and he wanted to get it fixed before he went away at the end of the week.

Honestly I was probably more understanding than I should have been, but he said he was sorry and offered to make it up to me another night that week, but I did think it was a little weird that he didn’t at least offer to get an Uber or something, and that he HAD to fix it at that very moment when he knew I was ready to go. But, because I’m nice I gave him a second chance and we decided to go out to the same bar later that week. 


On the night of our date (for real), I ended up getting there before him, but not having to wait too long. When he showed up he was a bit shorter than I expected, but cute. It was weird because of COVID times we couldn’t hug or anything, so we just kind of walked in and found a table. I got a hard cider, and he got a vodka soda. 

We ended up also ordering an appetizer to split, just some buffalo wings, which were pretty good, and the date itself was decent. Nothing to write home about – I definitely wasn’t feeling a major spark or romantic chemistry or anything –  but he was funny and I was having a good time just being out of my apartment. 

After a bit, though, I could tell that I was ready to go home because it was way past my bedtime and I knew that this wasn’t really going to go anywhere, but it just felt very weird trying to find a way to nicely tell him I was ready to wrap this up and go home. 

Photo by Akshay Anand on Pexels.com

Finally I found a way to get that message across, and this is where the biggest problem with Clark came to be. As I’m sure y’all know by now, I’m old-fashioned and expect to be paid for on a first date. So when the bill came and I did my customary offer of splitting and he said, “Yes,” I was not pleased. But not just because I’m traditional. Because he also said, “Let’s do 50/50,” despite the fact that my hard cider was nearly $4 cheaper than his vodka soda, and he’d had two of them. And the wings we ‘split’? I ate maybe two or three, while he ate more like six or seven. 

And on top of that, he was telling me how his company and industry have been “thriving” during all of this while then listening to me talk about being unemployed and trying to survive off of unemployment. I’m a big believer that if you can’t afford to eat out you shouldn’t eat out, which is why I ordered a cheaper drink so that if he did say we should split it I wasn’t paying for overpriced liquor. He was the one who suggested the appetizer, too, and he ate so much more of it. Plus, the fact that he was basically gloating about now having to experience the stress that millions of people have had to experience lately… it was a major turnoff that essentially, he was letting me pay for him since his drinks were more expensive. 

Also let me just remind you that he basically stood me up just a few nights before, and promised to “make it up to me.” So his idea of making it up to me was letting me pay for part of his vodka and wings on a first date? I just think that’s tacky. 


However, he did offer to walk me home so I was almost willing to give him just ONE more pass. That is, until we started to get close to my place. When I told him I was right across the street so we could part there, and I could clearly see the look on his face that showed he was very much expecting me to invite him up. Even though I really don’t think any of our conversations had been very flirty, and he didn’t even attempt to woo me, so this felt very weird to me. I was very unimpressed with this and even though I lied and said we could hang out again, I knew we would not be. 

When I got back to my apartment, I brushed my teeth and got into bed. A bit later he messaged me that, “I’m cute and we should hang out again soon.” Yes, I am cute, but I just said thanks and good night. And, luckily, I never heard from Clark again.

Chapter 31: The Werewolf

I know what you are…

After only a few days on Tinder, I matched with a guy that I’ll call Jacob. Just before matching with him, though, my friend Mary had sent me a funny story about a girl who only talked to her matches in “Twilight” quotes. Given that I was reading “Midnight Sun” (please tell me I’m not the only one) and have been reliving my high school days of being obsessed with the books and movies, I thought that this was hilarious. So we decided that the next match I had, I would try that.


Jacob was the next guy I matched with, so he was the lucky man that got to be on the receiving end of some weird messages. 

I opened with the classic, “You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you.” And it went from there. Jacob was a very good sport about it, and when he asked where I lived and I replied, “Forks, Washington,” he got instant bonus points for answering with an amazing pun and saying, “Get the Fork out of here with that.” 

Finally, I told him what I’d been doing and he thought it was pretty funny. Apparently, it didn’t scare him off at all that I was quoting a book I read when I was 16, and he was still into me, so we continued talking. 

After a couple of days, Jacob asked me when we could get together and I said I wasn’t sure, but maybe that night if he was around. He had a different idea and wanted to meet earlier. He offered to come over and hang out on his lunch break in just a little bit. But, me being the crime junkie I am, I don’t let random people come over so I asked if we could meet in public first. Apparently, he was very anxious to meet with me so he suggested that we FaceTime instead. 

So, right after I got back from my run that morning, we FaceTimed and talked for a little bit before I took a shower and he got ready to come over on his lunch break that day. I decided that he wasn’t giving off serial killer vibes or any other kind of red flag, so I sent him my address. He came over, we hung out for a bit, and then he left. It was probably one of the weirdest and most random “first meetings” I’ve had – except for when I met The Bartender at a Best Buy parking lot, but it was also very enjoyable.

He told me that he’d always wanted a friend with a swanky apartment, so we should hang out again soon, and I agreed. It was also good timing because I’d just made my apple cider cakes and needed someone to share them with so they didn’t go bad. However, part of my plan with sharing them with him was that I was hoping he’d put the cake pans back up for me because they go in a cabinet that I can’t reach without a step ladder, and he’s very tall, but of course I forgot to ask him. I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t put a couple of tasks aside because I’m definitely hoping I can charm him to help me with them next time he comes over. 

Photo by Vincent Peters on Pexels.com

Honestly, he’s a really fun guy and extremely funny. He seems very genuine, too. We took turns showing off pictures of our nieces and bragging about them, and anyone who loves their nieces/nephews as much as I love mine is good in my book. He’s smart, has a good job, and kind of seems like a big teddy bear which is why I went with calling him Jacob over Edward – he definitely gives off more of a werewolf vibe than a vampire vibe. Considering that back in the height of my “Twilight” phase I was mostly Team Jacob, I’m perfectly happy with this. 


The second time we hung out, it was equally brief, but still fun. We’ve talked about our love of true crime and Netflix documentaries, another bonus in my book, and I think I might have finally found a man who loves pizza the way that I do. We actually have a good amount in common, too.

He sends me funny and actually kind of sweet snap chats. He’s been good so far about remembering details about me, and so far he hasn’t done anything to piss me off. All good signs. 

We have some of the weirdest hang outs, honestly. The most recent time I saw him was right after I took the LSAT. I was too tired to go out and I just wanted to enjoy not having anything to do, but I was bored and kind of lonely in the hotel I was staying at (I took the test in a hotel room and figured I’d stay the night), so he came over. He was so excited for me that I was done because he knows how hard I’ve been studying. He wished me luck and told me I was going to kill it like every day for the three days leading up to the test, which is a lot more than I can say for a good amount of people who’ve known me for way longer. 

We hung out and talked and enjoyed how comfy the hotel bed was, and it’s kind of funny too because I feel like he’s one of the few guys where I haven’t felt like I had to know EVERYTHING about him after a week, so I feel like every time I see him I learn more about him and he learns more about me, which is probably how it should be. This time we talked about our sometimes crazy families and how much we both love Thanksgiving. He also saw my stuffed sloth that I have and had brought with me (I just like cuddling, okay?) and got me to tell him all about my slightly-obsessive fascination with sloths. And he STILL wasn’t scared off. He actually seems very into my weirdness. I’m a fan. 

He actually did tell me that last time. When he saw the sloth and teased me about it for a second and I let it slip that I really love sloths, and still have sentimental stuffed animals, and admitted that that’s a little weird, he replied that he knows I’m kind of weird, he could tell right away, but that’s part of why he likes me. It’s nice to feel like I don’t have to hide my weirdness around him and I can just be myself and not be worried that my quirks will scare him off.


My old roommate in Orlando, Chelsea, is fascinated by this and is convinced we’re going to get married. She also thinks it’s amazing and a classic “only Madeline” thing that I would end up actually having some sort of thing with a guy that I started off with talking to only in “Twilight” quotes, and honestly I agree with her. Considering I recently had a guy from Tinder stop talking to me because I wouldn’t send him pictures of my vagina (true story) and another from Bumble tried to bait me into a political debate, I’ve obviously had guys ghost me for less weird things – or no reason at all. 

So, we shall see what happens with Jacob. I’m hoping I have more stories with him soon because he seems cool and like he could give me some more fun material. For now, I’m just hoping he doesn’t imprint on my unborn child. 

Chapter 30: Catfished, Part I – The Area Manager and The Size King

Where’s Nev when you need him?

The time has come for a new series, one that I’ll be calling “Catfished,” that is dedicated to all of the men who are not who they say they are – in some way or another – and that don’t fit into One Hit Blunders because I never even went on a date with them.

These are men who have ghosted me or just avoided actually meeting me, so even if they are who they say they are, I have to assume that they’re lying and that they catfished me which is why we never actually met or why they disappeared. 

By the way, before I go on, I’ve come to the conclusion that The Boyfriend was a major catfish.  To be fair, I’ve known that for a while but was still willing to meet and call him out in person (publicly)… but we never even got there. I thought we were finally getting somewhere in terms of actually meeting, and then he got weird on me again! I kept trying to video call him and he wouldn’t answer, and one time I asked for him to send me a photo of his face and he kept making up excuses. Finally, I told him that he was like Santa Claus and he asked me why and I said because I’ve never seen him so I have to just tell myself to believe that he’s real. He just laughed and that was the last time we spoke.

Anywho, in this chapter you get to meet two catfishing fellows – The Area Manager and The Size King. Again, one is set in Florida, and the other in Boston so you get a two-state experience again. Ready? Let’s go.


Back when my parents were helping me swipe on Bumble, I ended up matching with a guy I’ll call Max. He was very cute and had beautiful blueish green eyes, a nice smile, and was tall. He also didn’t look American and as you know I’m very into that, so we got to talking right away. 

Max is an area manager for Amazon, and he actually lives in Miami, but his family lives in the Sarasota area and he’s actually been actively looking to move to Bradenton and transfer his role to there, which is why he was looking in that area, too. 

We seemed to hit it off immediately. He even called me pretty early on just to say hi, which as you know I’m a sucker for a guy who likes phone calls, and I liked his voice. I found out that his name isn’t actually Max, his family is Ukrainian but he chose the name Max because he thought it was a good, strong name, and nobody could ever pronounce his Ukrainian name so he changed it. Ironically, it’s the same first name as The Semi-Date, so I actually did know how to pronounce it, but he told me just to call him Max.

We flirted, we talked, and he seemed like a decent guy! He very much had his shit together from what I could tell, he was funny, invested in our conversations, and kept begging me to not move back to Boston because he thought I was so “perfect” he would be devastated if I went back to Boston before we met. I told him that I’d make sure we met before then.

After a couple weeks of talking, he told me he’d be in town for the weekend and asked me if I wanted to go to the beach with him. Beaches were open by then, so I figured since it was outdoors that was probably safer, and it could be fun. I agreed, thinking that would be a fun first date, and I even bought a new bathing suit for it. 

When the day came, I told him to let me know when he woke up and to let me know what time he wanted to meet. And I never heard from him. All. Day. Long. I had already cleared my very busy schedule of baking, job hunting, and hanging out with my 3-year old niece for the day so I was kind of annoyed, but after a bit of waiting I just decided to call it a loss and move on with my day.

Finally, later that day he told me that his family had surprised him with a last-minute trip to Marco Island for his birthday. I thought that was sweet, so I went with it, and he apologized for leaving me hanging and promised to make it up to me the next time he was in town.

I think I had something going on the following weekend, so we didn’t make plans then, but we kept talking. This whole time, anytime he was in town but too busy for the beach or anything, he’d ask me if I wanted to meet somewhere and just make out in his car for a bit. Uh, no. 

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The next weekend, Max was in town again so we made tentative plans to finally meet up and go to the beach. Again, I told him to tell me what time he wanted to meet up and he said he’d call me after the gym. He didn’t. 

At this point, I was kind of worried that he might be dead or something, so I decided to Google him and make sure that he was who he said he was. At first, when I was just searching for his Snapchat name (I find that a lot of people use the same username for a LOT of different accounts) I was finding some weird Ukrainian or Russian forums, I don’t even know, I think some of it was very weird porn? I clicked out really fast. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was him, though, considering he did tell me that his biggest fetish is peeing on a girl. Don’t ask me how I meet these people because I don’t know either.

The thing is that his last name is really weird and even though one time I’d asked him to spell it out for me on the phone, I think I must’ve written it down incorrectly because I was still struggling to find him. Finally, I had a breakthrough and I found him. That is, I found his mugshot from when he was arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct.

So after that, I figured I’d cut my losses and delete him. I blocked him on Snapchat and carried on with my life but then, a bit later, I randomly get a WhatsApp message from him showing me the houses he’s looking at in Bradenton and saying that he wanted me to help decorate (I do love decorating) and I called him out on ditching me twice at that point and told him that I’d blocked him on Snapchat because of it, which he thought was funny.

Really though, Max just seemed sad that he never got to see me in my new bathing suit, which I mean I don’t blame him – I looked great in it – but also that’s not really what I’m looking for at this point and I still wasn’t into his car makeouts idea, so I just finished the conversation, it fizzled out, and I ended up back in Boston not too long after – still having no idea what he really liked look outside of the photos he’d sent me. Which leads me to my next story.


Being back in Boston, but still having most of the city under strict guidelines due to you-know-what, I decided to get back on Bumble and Tinder just to keep myself entertained. Since I wasn’t having any luck on EHarmony, (side note, they finally let me delete my account after I reported the guy who went and stalked me on LinkedIn – and now on Instagram AND Facebook, too – and gave me a partial refund), but I wanted to feel kind of social at least, so I figured trying them again couldn’t hurt. 

There was one profile of a guy, Don, who was very tall, in good shape, was wearing a suit, and seemed like he had a good sense of humor, so I swiped right. The only thing on his profile that gave me pause was where he asked, “Where my size queens at?” I’ve never heard that phrase, but I figured it had something to do with him liking girls who are “thicc” since that’s a thing, and I mean I’m considered “slim thicc” from what the young and hip kids have told me, so I figured that would suffice.

Don and I matched and got to chatting. After a bit of back and forth, he asked me if I’d read his profile. I said yes, and he said, “So you’re into that?” 

I had no clue what he was talking about, so I asked him to clarify. He asked me if I was a size queen. I told him I had no idea what that meant, but I thought it was about being thicc. He said no, that’s not what it means. 

Now, I was terrified at what I’d potentially gotten myself into so before he even said anything else I searched Urban Dictionary and found out that, according to them, a size queen is, “A person who will only accept larger than average penises in sexual partners.” About the same time that I read this, Don responded to me himself that that is what a size queen is. 

Well, now I was too deep into this conversation to back out, and very curious, so I asked him if that was the case with him and he said yes. He asked if I was into that, and I admitted that I wouldn’t know from experience, but I’m always up to try new things. 

Obviously, I was super curious as to how big he was but I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable so I didn’t ask. But then, he offered to show me. I told him only if he was comfortable, because I was intrigued, but didn’t want him to do anything he didn’t want to. He said he was happy to show me, so I gave him my Google voice number because he didn’t have Snapchat.

After our introductions over text, he asked me if I liked Trulys, and I said yes, and then he sent the picture. It was of his dick, obviously, held next to a can of Truly hard seltzer – I’m not even kidding. And while the first thing I noticed was that he’s not circumcised, I did realize after that that, yeah, it was very big. 

Once he was assured that he hadn’t totally scared me off (hey, I’m human) he offered to send more and I didn’t really answer because really one is enough, but he did want to see my tattoos so I sent him a photo (clothed) where he could see my tattoos. He did ask me for nudes at one point, but I told him I don’t do that with people I don’t know and that for now clothed was the only way he was getting photos of me, and he said that was fine.

Then Don just started sending me more dick pics. First was just it poking out of his pants, and from that angle I was kind of scared honestly, and then the next one – I kid you not – was him holding it next to a can of Rustoleum. They were the same size. I will never be able to look at Rustoleum the same ever again. But also, do you think he just walks around his house finding things to compare his dick to, or does he have a few go-tos that he just always has on hand? 

We flirted a lot, and besides the size thing he actually seemed funny and nice and smart, so I felt comfortable enough to consider planning a date with him. But when I asked him when we were going to meet and act on our flirtation and everything, he said that was a good question and asked when I was free. I told him, and he didn’t respond. 

After a few hours, I sent the upside down smiling face emoji because that’s kind of my thing when I’m trying to tell a guy, “Hey, you’re ignoring me but instead of calling you out on it I’m just going to send you an emoji.” Still nothing. The next morning, I realized that he had unmatched me on Tinder. 

When this happens, I assume one of three things – 1), they got back together with their ex or met someone else and are no longer looking, 2), they’re intimidated by my assertiveness/aggressive nature and don’t want to talk anymore, or 3), they’re a catfish and now that they got what they wanted from the conversation, he’s ready to move on. With Don, I’m betting option three.


Stay tuned because I’m sure I’ll have more Catfished stories soon, and next week, we’re back to our regularly scheduled program of guys I’ve been out with recently! You’ll be meeting my latest One-But Blunder, The Joker. Have a great week!

Chapter 29: Best & Worst Dates

the best of times and the worst of times

I have been on some good dates and some bad dates, clearly, but recently, someone asked me what the best day I’ve ever been on was. So, I thought that I’d do a quick little post about the best and worst dates I’ve ever been on – the top three for each – and go into a bit more detail about each of them, even for the ones that you might think you already know everything about. 

For the record, these dates are not about the person, necessarily. I’m strictly going off of the date itself. The person will definitely play a part in it in some instances, but even if the person turned out to be an asshole AFTER the date discussed, it could still be considered a good date. It’s based only off of that particular date. 

Let’s start off with the bad, shall we? I mean, I am an optimist so I do have to end on a good note.

While I have certainly had my share of bad dates ( I mean, I had to create a whole “One Hit Blunders” series to talk about them) the following three stand out as being the top three worst ones.


Top 3 Worst Dates

3. Brunch with The Cancer

After our first date, which as a reminder was drinks at Tavern in the Square and then around Faneuil Hall, PJ invited me to brunch at Rosebud. While the food was good, the date was not. 

I remember being a minute or two late, as I usually am, because I was having trouble getting an Uber and the way he made me feel about it was like I had just held up his entire day. I fully get being annoyed when someone is late – it drives me crazy when my friends are constantly very late for things – but it was just a minute or two, and I told him right away. So, that kind of bothered me but I tried to let it go.

As the date went on, I remember realizing that we just weren’t very compatible. He kept talking about really weird things, and then would just kind of give me this borderline creepy stare as he waited to see my reaction to it. He also told me that he sleeps with the temperature on 60 DEGREES. How is that even possible? I like it a bit chilly but I think I’d actually freeze to death if I did that. 

But, really I just think that in general “eating” dates are overrated and not what I enjoy. I don’t like having to feel like I need to be super conscious of what I’m eating, and if I’m being a messy eater, and it’s hard to have a conversation over food. Even though I’m not a big drinker, I’d rather do drinks first because at least it’s easier to talk. 

Also, after brunch was over I was talking about what else I needed to do that day clearly sending the hint that I was done with this date and ready to go home, yet he convinced me to go on a walk even though it was starting to rain, and then insisted on driving me back even though I was perfectly fine calling an Uber. Sometimes things cross the line between polite and possessive, and this was one of those times. 

Overall, it was just very weird and why I agreed to a third date after that, I don’t know. It was just weird, and when I think about some of the worst dates I’ve been on one definitely makes the list.

2. Japanese with The Dollar Man

Not only was this a food-related first date, which I’ve already said I’m not into, it also involved us sitting next to each other which is one of my biggest pet peeves with couples in general – how do you talk like that? 

Obviously, it’s required at a Japanese steakhouse, and I do love Japanese food, but still, it just makes for a very awkward first date when you’re half talking, half watching someone cook your food. Overall, it’s just not the ideal situation for a first date. 

Add this is with how much he talked about me offering to split the bill, and how intimidated he seemed to be by me the whole night, and it just turned out to not be one of my favorite dates. Plus, he took my leftovers which I think is kind of weird, and I just never heard from him again afterwards, so why spend so much money on a first date if there was never going to be a second one?

  1. “Hot chocolate” with The Creepy Catfish

Did y’all really have any doubt that this would be the worst date I’ve ever been on? I’m not sure if it was the part where he tried to hold my hand and yelled at me when I didn’t want him to, or when he literally backed me against a tree and got in my face, or the whole bit where he told me I was “too fucked up” to love, or when he basically insinuated that I couldn’t make him leave my apartment because he’s bigger than me that sealed the deal, but no matter what, he definitely takes the cake. 

And that’s not even including the whole part that he – one, showed up over an hour late to the date that he planned and, two, changed the date from bowling to hot chocolate and wouldn’t even bother to take me to a legitimate place for a hot chocolate. I like to be at least somewhat courted, and Starbucks is not going to cut it.

Top 3 Best Dates

3. Halloween Horror Nights with The Vegan

As I’ve said before, I really like doing activities or going to special events on dates, and this one stands out to me because Halloween Horror Nights is not something you can do just anywhere. 

As I said in his chapter, I am a huge scaredy-cat. I scream like I’m being murdered at the slightest jump scare, but he sucked it up and powered through the night. He went first into EVERY single house, let me hold his hand and bury my head into his back while he pulled me through certain parts, and was so sweet. Even though I definitely almost ditched him at one point running from guys with chainsaws, this was just a really fun first date activity if you’re into spooky things which, despite how scared I get, I do like.  

It’s also a really great way to weed people out – if he told me to suck it up and didn’t care that I was scared half to death, I wouldn’t have liked it, and if he decided that my swearing like a sailor wasn’t his thing, then at least we figured that out right away, right?

2. Hiking with The Rollercoaster

I liked this date because it was the first time I’d ever done a big hike (which I totally lied about to both impress him and make him not feel like we couldn’t go hiking because I wasn’t that experienced) and it was such a beautiful place to have been my first “big” hike.

It was an activity, always a good thing, and it was also something you can’t do everywhere (you can’t go hiking in Florida, really) and something that was also a good challenge for me. It was fun experiencing something new with someone I cared about, and I just really like to be outside.

The views made it even better for sure, and I liked that at some parts we talked but at other parts, we just let each other enjoy the whole situation and have some silence that wasn’t awkward or weird at all – I feel like that’s always a big thing if you can be quiet with someone and it’s not weird. 

Overall, this was just a really fun and exciting and adventurous date and it’ll always be one to beat in my eyes.

  1. Bowling with The Cheater

The absolute best date I’ve ever been on was bowling with Al. It was the perfect mix of time talking and time doing something fun together. It was the right idea to have a drink or two first to get to know each other and loosen up a bit (and have the bartender comment on the fact that this was our first date) before moving into the next portion of the date.

I definitely liked that I beat him at bowling, and I’m also just weird and love bowling. The conversation flowed, which is important to me, and we had a great time at every part of the date. It is kind of weird looking back and thinking about how much chemistry we had right off the bat knowing what he was really doing. 

It doesn’t hurt that the date ended with us going to Trader Joe’s so he could buy me wine and guacamole, and then him making me tacos while I pet his cat, but I think that even without the tacos this would still be my favorite date I’ve been on. It’s also the longest first date I’ve ever been on – I think we met at Lucky Strike at about 3:30pm and he drove me home from his place at like 2:30am. I only remember that because we almost got Tasty Burger but then we realized it was closed. But I was still hungry, and I also needed something from the drugstore, and for whatever reason at nearly 3am it seemed like THE most important thing to get, so after he dropped me off I immediately called an Uber and went to a 24 hour CVS near me to get it… and some frozen mozzarella sticks because it was too late for Domino’s delivery.


So there you have it – my top three best and worst dates! Tell me about yours – what are your best and worst dates you’ve been on?