confessions of a singleholic Archives • Page 3 of 3 • Madeline Olsen

Chapter 27: The Runaway, Part II

Sometimes people come back into your life…

Sometimes men come back into your life right when you need a new story, and that’s what Elijah, The Runaway, did for me.

If you don’t remember, Elijah was the guy from Orlando that I went out with last year, had a great time with at the arcade bar, but then on our second hangout he literally got up and walked out of my apartment without a word when he realized that I wasn’t going to put out that night. Here’s a refresher if you need it.

So, are you ready to hear about his reappearance into my life? Good, because I’m ready to tell you.

Not too long ago, I woke up to a text from Elijah simply saying, “Hey.” I was bored, so I responded, and he asked me if I was in Boston still, and I said yes. We started talking a bit, and eventually when I had the perfect moment to do so, I called him out on what he’d done to me a year before and asked if he was going to do that again. He said no, and he apologized for the way that he’d left things that night.

We talked for a bit, and he really seemed to have changed. He seemed genuinely sorry for what had happened, and kept saying that he was surprised but very happy that I had even responded to him. I told him that while it sometimes bites me in the butt, I do try to give people two chances most of the time. But, after those two chances, you’re done.

Ultimately, after talking for a bit and catching up, we made plans to hang out. Elijah is not the biggest movie buff, apparently, and he has a whole list of movies he’s never seen and was asking me for my favorite Halloween movie so he could add it to the list. Mine is the original “Friday the 13th,” and he said he’d never seen it. So, we decided that he’d come over and we’d watch it together and maybe I could help him cross some more movies off the list as time went on.

He kept telling me how excited he was, and honestly, I was, too! I had really enjoyed my first date with him, and while in the moment I was too drunk and too focused on my hash browns, I was disappointed when he walked out on me. He was funny, we had a good time, and it wasn’t fun to have him disappear like that. I was really looking forward to getting together again.

He came over a few nights later, and pretty quickly we picked things right back up where we left off. It wasn’t weird at all, and even though just to be safe I had my pepper spray in my pocket, I realized pretty quickly that I didn’t need it. I felt comfortable and safe, and it was really fun to just have someone to hang out with, joke around with, and cuddle.

I made a bunch of chocolate chip cookies for him and opened up a bottle of wine, and after catching up for a bit, we started the movie. After a bit of watching, we ended up cuddling, which was totally fine with me. I’d told him going into the night not to expect anything, and he kept saying that he’d be happy even if he got to hold my hand. When I got scared, he hugged me, when he got scared, I hugged him, we laughed at the amazing fashion featured in the movie (apparently I have a thing for jorts?), and he got to cross a movie off of his list.

My cookies are better than these.
Photo by Oleg Magni on Pexels.com

While we were talking before the movie started, he was telling me a bit about some things he’s been working on in therapy, and explained how something they’d spoken about recently made him think of me, which is why he reached out. I don’t want to violate HIPAA and tell you what that is, but I thought it was sweet that he still thought about me and that I was the one that came to mind when he realized he needed to take some responsibility for things. He kept saying he was grateful I’d answered and that I’d invited him over, and I said there were no hard feelings – it was in the past, we can’t change it, we were both drunk, and it was okay. Let’s move on.

After the movie, he started to give me a massage. He’d offered beforehand, and I’m never one to turn down a free massage, and he said like how I bake for people to show affection and appreciation, he offers massages. Plus, he wanted to show that he really did appreciate me forgiving him. The massage was amazing, and it definitely relaxed me even more, and it was just really nice to be close to someone again after almost 7 months of social distancing. After a bit, he asked if it was okay if he kissed me, and I said yes.

We kissed, and after a bit, we decided to go into my room. I made it explicitly clear that we would NOT be having sex that night – I wasn’t ready, and it was not an option – and he kept saying that even by kissing me he’d already gotten to do more than he expected. We kept things pretty PG-13/high school for the most part, but it was actually kind of fun and very different from what I’m used to with guys trying to go straight to third base.

We realized that the T was not running that late, and I didn’t want to make him get an Uber, and honestly I was happy to be borrowing some body heat from a human body and not my pillow so I said he could stay. He ended up spending the night, which was nice for me, the cuddle queen, and in the morning, I made waffles, we ate, and then he left.

While we were eating, I told him about my blog and that he was on it and he thought it was cool, and pretty funny, though I’m not sure he’s going to think it’s very funny now.

Over the next few days, we talked a bit via text and actually, a few times, he even called me on the phone just to say hi, or because he missed my voice. It was so sweet and given how some guys I’ve dealt with make me feel like asking for a phone call is like asking for a marriage proposal, again, it was just nice. A breath of fresh air.

Even though we had already made out and everything, I did try to keep the talks not too flirty. I didn’t want him getting the wrong idea, but at the same time, I’d said multiple times at this point that I wasn’t ready to have sex, and wanted to take things slow right now, and he’d agreed. But, I felt like it was okay to be kind of flirty from time to time, and I just made sure to reiterate that this was an “if/when” kind of thing, not a “next time I see you” thing.

Photo by Maria Lindsey Multimedia Creator on Pexels.com

We made plans to hang out a few nights later, the night of the NBA semi-finals, because I have access to cable and he wanted to watch. We also decided to play Never Have I Ever, and since I’d recently been apple picking and had so many apples still, I made us mini apple cobblers and apple cider moscow mules (which were amazing). He did come over with a backpack, which I thought was kind of presumptuous, but I brushed it off.

We played Never Have I Ever, which was fun to spend more time getting to know each other after playing the question game last time, my moscow mules and apple cobblers were delicious and gone very quickly, and it was nice to just hang out. We cuddled and he gave me another massage, and just like last time, he asked me if he could kiss me, and I said yes.

After a minute, he asked if we could go into the kitchen. I said yes, because I figured a change of scenery is nice, plus this way, none of the neighbors in opposite corner units from me could see me like I’m sure they’ve caught me having solo dance parties before. On the way there, I said again that we wouldn’t be having sex, and it wasn’t personal. He basically scolded me for saying that, saying that saying “it’s not personal” makes it sound like it is personal, so I apologized. I think that was the moment when it started to really kill my vibe.

Once we were in there, though, I could tell even with that there was something he wanted me to do. While I did consider doing so for a minute, just to get it over with, honestly, I realized that I didn’t want to, and just because in the past I’ve given into things because it was easier than causing a scene or having a fight, I didn’t want to do that anymore. I wasn’t in the mood, and I still wasn’t ready.

He could tell I wasn’t in the mood, but instead of reading the room and being like, “Hey, let’s just not do anything tonight,” he then directed me back to the couch and asked if I wanted to show him the kind of porn I watch. Honestly, I don’t watch porn, it’s just not my thing, but I’m not naive enough to not know where to find it or what the types of categories are, and I figured that this was a much more hands-off approach and more my speed at the time, so it was a better alternative. Then things got weird in a way I don’t even want to write about, and AGAIN he could tell I was not feeling it, but AGAIN he tried to steer the night into the opposite direction from where I wanted.

This time, he asked me if I could show him my toys, and I just went with it because I figured if I did this right and made some juvenile jokes or something, maybe I could kill his mood. I did not succeed in my mission, unfortunately, and we ended up getting into my bed.

Pages: 12

Chapter 26: I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost

Just because it’s spooky season…

How to survive being ghosted, and why I don’t ghost

You meet someone, most likely on a dating app, you go out and have a great time, talk a bit after, and then as soon as you ask them to hang out again, they seem to have suddenly disappeared into a deep abyss, never to be seen again.

We’ve all had it happen to us. And worse, a lot of people have done it completely unintentionally.

So, how do I survive being ghosted, and why do I not ghost myself? I’m glad you asked. Since quarantine has kind of put a damper on my dating life and I’m currently working with a small pool of stories I haven’t already told (don’t worry, I’m working on getting more soon), I figured that this would be a good time to address the one aspect of modern dating that is probably the absolute worst.

I honestly would love to know who was the first person to ghost someone and make all of this a thing, because I’d like to have a serious talking-to with them. Let’s all establish right now that ghosting someone, whether you’ve been on a first date or not, is rude, inconsiderate, and unnecessary.

I have been ghosted – and trust me, it’s happened a lot – and at every stage of a relationship (including the infamous ghosting by The Cheater at literally the most cruel moment a girl could ever be ghosted) so I know that it sucks and sometimes it hurts, a lot, at first.

But then I just tell myself that clearly this person was just way too intimidated by my beauty and general amazingness and that’s why he disappeared.

Just kidding, that’s not what I do.

First of all, I give myself one day to have a mini pity party. Even if you haven’t been out yet, or you’ve only been out once, it is still definitely a blow to your ego and confidence to have someone that you really thought you were vibing with just disappear. Also, just throwing it out there, that most of the time when I give myself a day to just be sad about it and focus on making myself feel better – wine, bubble baths, face masks, the works – they usually end up texting me the next day.

But for those who don’t, I move on to stage two. I do like to give people second chances – clearly this is a pattern of mine, and it’s up for debate whether or not this is a good quality – but after my pity party day, when most of my negative emotions have already been drained, I reach out to them one more time. Here’s the key, though, you have to reach out CALMLY. Listen, I have gone from my slow simmering level 2 of craziness to a straight up 10 in about 30 seconds flat before, I get it, it’s hard not to, but again, this is why I give myself a day to just feel the feels so that when I try one more time, I’m not going full on psycho. Also, sometimes people do have genuine reasons to disappear for a bit – family emergencies, work, etc.

Photo by Ryan Miguel Capili on Pexels.com

First of all, if the person is extremely rude, makes you uncomfortable, or this is not the first time you’ve tried to break things off, then I give you permission to go full on ghost mode. However, if none of those things are true, then I recommend using my line.

Usually, I’d say something like, “Hey [name], I really don’t want to assume anything, but I haven’t heard from you in [insert general time frame, we don’t need the seconds]. I hope everything is okay with you, but also, if you’ve just lost interest I would appreciate it if you could just be upfront with me about it.”

I do tailor this to the person a bit if needed, and let me just say this – while I have not had the misfortune of being ghosted by someone just after sleeping with them for the first time, if that happens to you – DO NOT TEXT THEM. At all. I don’t care if he/she was the hottest person ever, best sex ever, or had amazing Ninja Turtles bed sheets. Sorry, but anyone who does that is scum and doesn’t deserve even one more ounce of your attention or energy. No excuses. In that case, call your best friend to come over, eat lots of comfort food, and watch some good movies until you feel better.

Overall, the point is not to be rude. You know the phrase, “You kill more flies with honey than you do with vinegar”? This applies to being ghosted, too. I get it – you want to be a bit sassy/petty/bitchy, and of course I have felt the same way on occasion. But they are not worth it. Not at all. And people who ghost like that probably want a reaction and when you give them any level of sass they’re just going to be like, “Wow, glad I ghosted that one.” Think of Juan Pablo after Clare told his ass off on the finale of “The Bachelor.” While that was amazing, this is not the time to do that. Just be the bigger person and let it go. Say something, and don’t be a doormat, but be nice enough that they feel a little guilty about what they’ve done.

This is something I used a lot at Disney, actually. When guests were yelling at me about how I ruined their vacation, I would just give them my best Bambi-eyes and then smile and put on my super over the top customer service voice and it was hilarious how quickly they would start being nice to me. People don’t like being mean to nice people.

The next step is to remember the most important of all of this – it is nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. You didn’t do anything wrong, and even if you did, adults should be able to talk about that sort of stuff, not just storm off and disappear. It doesn’t mean you’re unworthy, or unlovable, or that you aren’t good enough. In fact, it means the opposite. Why would you want to be with someone who ghosts people? Personally, good communication skills are a major turn-on and I can’t imagine a relationship with someone who’s unable to talk about and work through issues, so someone who ghosts really isn’t worth my time. Lacking the courage and decency to tell you that they lost interest is a them problem, not a you problem. I promise.

So, after you remind yourself of all of these things while you wait for the text back from them that in all honesty, will probably never come, it’s time for the last couple of steps. First, get your girl or guy friends together and hang out – I don’t care if you just watch Netflix or if you go out to a club (remember when we could do that?), or if you just Facetime your best friend while drinking a glass of wine, the important thing is to not spend too much time alone with yourself and be in your own head. Let your friends build you up and tell you how great you are (you are pretty great) and just have fun with them.

And finally, get back to dating. Don’t ever let someone who’s too immature to use their words get to you or keep you from finding someone who does deserve you. They’re out there, I promise.

I feel like it’s pretty easy to sum up why I don’t ghost people unless I have a safety concern or I’ve tried to tell them to back off and they haven’t so I was left with no choice – I’m just not a crappy person.

But, it’s more than that. Admittedly, some of it is a bit selfish in that I hope that by making sure I do not ghost people, I won’t get ghosted or have my heart broken anymore. So far that has not proven to be a good tactic, but I still try to be a good person because it’s the right thing to do!

Really, most of it comes down to the fact that I know how it feels to be ghosted. It’s aggravating, frustrating, upsetting, disappointing, all of the above. It’s hard to not feel like it’s a personal attack or wonder what’s wrong with you. I know how it feels to be on that side of it, I would really never want to make someone else feel that way if I can avoid it.

I have talked about my “go to” line before, but I’ll say it again. Whenever I realize that the person I’ve been talking to isn’t the one for me – which I usually try not to do until after at least one date – I say, “Hey! I had so much fun [insert date activity or “talking to”] with you. You seem like a great guy/girl, but I wanted to be upfront and let you know that I just didn’t feel the spark that I’m looking for. Best of luck!”

You can add more if you feel like it, but I believe that less is more and for the most part, I’ve had good success with saying just these short three sentences. Most guys have appreciated the honesty and responded pretty well. It’s just a good, concise way to send the message that you had a good time (even if you didn’t, again, just be nice) but you didn’t feel it – but still wish them luck in their future dating endeavors, because if nothing else, you can at least offer them that.

Moral of the story, be nice. Do unto others as you wish to have done to you. And whether it’s spooky season or not, don’t ghost.

ghosting

For an upcoming post, I’d love to do a Question & Answer piece! So, ask me your questions in the comments – no topic is off limits!

Chapter 25: The Scientist and a review of EHarmony

Just because someone’s a scientist doesn’t always mean there’s chemistry.

I have always sworn to myself that I would never sign up for a paid dating app. No, I don’t have anything against using them, and I think it’s amazing how many people have met their significant others on an app – it just isn’t for me.

I blame Disney for a lot of that, because in my head any relationship I have that does not involve some adorable “how we met” story is illegitimate. Which is probably why I decided it was a good idea to fly across the country to spend a weekend with Tony after one meeting. I didn’t like that we met on Bumble so I wanted to up the romance factor a few notches to make the story better.

In any case, my parents – mostly my mom – disapprove of my aversion to paid dating sites. Especially after the excitement and novelty of swiping through my Bumble choices with me wore off, they started to see how extremely slim the pickings are nowadays. My dad, who has teased me for years about being single, finally told me that he gets it.

While I was in Florida social distancing with them, they kept trying to get me to agree to sign up for any paid dating site – Match, Eharmony, whatever. Their reasoning was that right now, it’s impossible to meet people in person so everyone will be on dating apps, and the kinds of guys I’m looking for (you know – not assholes, have their shit together, that kind of thing) are more likely to be on a paid service than a free one. I still refused.

Finally, after much back and forth my parents literally offered to pay for me to go on one of these if I’d agree to do it just to give it a try, and I relented. So, I signed up and made a profile on EHarmony because it seemed to align the most with what I was hoping to get out of this. I’ve seen all of the commercials, and it’s been around for a while, so I figured it was a good place to start.

I was able to start chatting with people in Boston from Florida, which was pretty cool, but if my first dozen or so connections were any indication of my future success, I don’t have very high hopes for it helping me to meet the love of my life. In all honesty, I’m not a huge fan of it, and I’ll get into more of why in a bit.

The Scientist

The only person that I’ve met on EHarmony and actually gone out with so far has been The Scientist, whom I’ll call Rick.

Rick is a few years older than me, a research scientist/teacher for standardized tests. We had a pretty high compatibility score, 108, so when he messaged me about how we both got our grad degrees at the same university, I figured I’d give him a chance. After looking at his profile, I realized that he probably would not have ended up on my Matches list, but I wanted to give it a try.

We started talking, and he seemed nice enough. The one thing I remember sticking out to me was that his profile lists him as “very Liberal.” Political party is not a deal breaker, but let’s just say I lean a little bit to the other side and wasn’t sure how much we’d mesh in that area at least. But again, I wanted to be open-minded and give him a chance, so I let it go. This is also important to note because at one point when I said something about it, he said he isn’t really “that” Liberal, and that was just one of many times I felt like he was saying what he thought would make me like him more.

The conversation was pretty good, he definitely initiated more than I did, and he was also the one to ask me for my number. As I’m sure you know by now, I don’t usually give out my real number right away so he got my Google Voice number. I also like Google Voice because I don’t have notifications turned on for anything except text and phone calls, so I don’t feel like I’m pulled to it as much.

But Rick really likes to text… a lot. I will admit that I have definitely been the one who is a bit “clingy” in the early stages of getting to know someone, but it’s definitely only okay when I do it. The more someone expresses too much interest in me, the less interested I am.

Photo by Chokniti Khongchum on Pexels.com

This is probably why I go for assholes, if I’m being honest. I am trying to get better about this, but I just like boundaries – I’m working on it myself, not getting too invested too soon – and I need space, especially when I’m first trying to figure out how I feel about someone. If they come on too strong, I feel like I’m being backed into a corner and forced into something and I don’t like it, and usually, I push back. I also just like having to work for it, at least a little bit. I should also mention that, while he is a test prep tutor/teacher, I learned quickly that his spelling and grammar are not quite up to my standards which is also a big deal for me.

In any case, Rick and I kept talking while I was in Florida, and he was very eager for me to get back to Boston so we could go on a date. He even got tested for COVID, but it was a couple of weeks before I was even planning on being back so I’m not sure why he did it when he did, but it’s the thought that counts.

At one point, he asked me how I was feeling about him so far, and I was honest. I said that he seemed nice and he had a stable job which is good, and it had been nice getting to know him so far but I usually don’t know how I feel until I’ve met someone at least once. He told me that he liked that I never respond right away because it lets him know that I have a life. Really, it should also be a sign that I just don’t feel the need to be in constant communication with ANYONE, so to maybe not text me every hour, but I went along with it. I remember a couple of weeks later he said that he thought that, “I liked him more than I did when he asked me last time,” but also that “he could just be grasping at straws.” My response was, “Let’s just say I don’t like you any less than I did last time you asked.”

If you haven’t been able to tell so far, I hate when people fish for compliments. I don’t do it myself and I don’t like it when someone puts themselves down or tries to hint for someone to compliment you instead of just using your words, or just being confident enough to not need practically a stranger to tell you on a weekly basis if they like you or not.

In any case, I finally got back to Boston and pretty much since the day I got back he was asking when we could go out. My mom was there for a while so we didn’t go right away, but finally we made plans to go to Regina’s Pizza in the North End. Overall, we had a nice time, more fun than I expected honestly. But for me, having a good time does not equal a relationship and I was pretty much convinced by about an hour or so in that this was going to be a “friend-zone” situation, which is totally fine with me – I love making new friends.

Unfortunately, it does not seem like Rick picked up on this because after he offered to walk me back to my place, which was very nice but unnecessary, and when I went to give him a hug goodbye he gave me a kiss on the cheek. It was quite awkward. But of course I’d already agreed to maybe hang out with him again soon, so I was already kind of invested and had to just hope that a bit of distance would make things better.

It did not. Rick continued with the excessive texting, especially if he wanted to complain about something at work. That’s another thing, if you have a problem at work, fix it! Don’t text me about having to fix it! Just do it! I started to do my usual tactic which is to just kind of be cold and detached and give unenthusiastic answers because I hate rejecting people that I don’t think are trying to make me uncomfortable or anything, so it’s easier to just be a bitch and hope they leave me alone after getting tired of dealing with me. It’s better to be the bad guy that way, in my opinion. But also, I don’t hate the guy and would like to be friends, but in my experience, guys don’t like being “friend-zoned” and I’m not interested in dealing with someone taking that poorly. So I was just kind of putting it off, I guess.

I’m not going to provide too much context for this in case he reads it, but for future reference for him and anyone who enters my life, let’s just put it out there that my favorite Bible verse is Matthew 6:3, “But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth.” Basically, your left hand should not know what the right is doing. In other words, if you do nice things for people, do it and forget about it – don’t brag about it or try to use it as an example of how “empathetic” you are when I bring up that EHarmony seems to be very off in saying that we have identical Empathy scores, which actually just further proved my point.

Our latest excursion brought us apple picking, which was my first time apple picking ever. He drove us there, we picked a ton of apples, it was really hot – which he kept reminding me of, there were a lot of hills – which he also kept reminding me of, we ate some apple cider donuts, and I got some honey and apple cider. He drove me back, and we went upstairs to my apartment to distribute the apples (that’s not a euphemism, that’s exactly what happened), and then he left. We’ve still talked here and there since then, but ultimately, neither apple picking nor any texts since then have changed my mind about him.

I think another big thing with him is that because he teaches classes about standardized tests, a lot of the time he would act more like my LSAT tutor than a friend or anything. If I was excited about a score on a practice test, he’d tell me, “Let’s see how you do next week.” He would act like I didn’t know what I was doing in terms of studying, too, and while I appreciated the tips and resources every so often, he was talking to me like I’m sure he talks to his students and I really didn’t like it. He also got kind of condescending when I told him the topic of my personal statement, which is about my eating disorder, so that was not very cool either.

Actually, as it’s now my editing day, the latest with The Scientist is that I did recently remake a profile on EHarmony, just because I feel bad that my parents are kind of wasting their money if I don’t at least try, and I had discarded all of my contacts except for him when I first deleted everything off of it a few weeks ago. This morning, I woke up and decided to check it to see if I had anything new and I saw that he had discarded me as a contact, with the reason he selected being that, “He found love and hopes for everyone else to find it,” which is one of the choices.

I am happy for him if that’s the case, because he is a nice guy and I have no problem with him as a person, we just aren’t compatible romantically, so I texted him and said I was really happy for him and wished them all the best, and so far I’ve received no response. He might have blocked me in retaliation for me unfollowing him on Instagram, which honestly is not personal, I’m just very picky about who I follow and only want to see certain things in my feed. Who knows.

So, The Scientist is another name on the list of dating misadventures and men who are not meant to be my husband. Now, I’ll tell you all about why I’m convinced that I’m not going to meet the man of my dreams on EHarmony.

A Review of EHarmony

I have a lot of feelings about EHarmony, but I’ll try to condense them into a few paragraphs. Basically, you take a test and it asks you all these questions and then after you make your profile, you can see who you “Match” with. You can update your preferences to exclude certain heights, education levels, etc., but only some features are unlocked. But much like other apps and sites, just because you have certain parameters and standards for what you’re looking for does not mean that you won’t show up in other people’s match list. So, most of the people I talked to were people who did not fit what I was looking for but messaged me because I fit what they were looking for. Honestly, thinking about who I had messages from I would say MAYBE one or two of them would have shown up on my list, if that.

Also, even though I had set up a search parameter to only look for men in my area, this is also optional. Again, most of the men contacting me were not in Boston. Most were not even in the state. I had men in Texas, Illinois, California, and Maryland messaging me. Even better, I got contacted by men in India more than anything else.

Once someone messages you, if you don’t want to continue chatting or have the message thread visible anymore, you have to “Discard” the contact and you have to choose one of about 5 or 6 options for why. It’s super awkward, especially when someone did it to me and I realized that the person gets a message with WHY you’re taking them off your list.

I think that’s super weird, especially that they make you give a reason – maybe because they’re creepy? Or because you said you don’t want to date a smoker, and one contacts you? Maybe because they’re not what I’m looking for and I said that in my quiz? Or, most likely, because I had men in other countries proposing to me like this was some sort of 90-Day Fiance situation? I don’t like that I had to give a reason other than that I just didn’t want to talk to someone that shouldn’t have even been able to contact me based off of my search requirements, and/or I just didn’t feel safe talking to them.

I also felt like the men there fall into one of two categories. One, they think that any woman on there is desperate to find love so they just act like they aren’t as sleazy as they clearly are to take advantage of vulnerable women, or two, they’re so desperate to find love that if you express even an ounce of interest in them they start planning the wedding.

Seriously, I had a guy I also gave my fake number to which I immediately regretted when he sent me about 70 unrequested photos of his trip to Las Vegas, and when after a few weeks of mostly one-sided conversations because we just had nothing in common I told him I wasn’t interested in pursuing it any further and he got so butt-hurt! Then he kept saying that “we can be friends and see what happens” and I had to say AT LEAST three times that “friends” means “friends” not “hope I change my mind about you” and if that’s not something he was willing to respect to forget about it. Besides which, I didn’t even want to be friends because the conversation was seriously lacking. But he acted like we had this insane chemistry (we didn’t) and the most amazing talks (we didn’t) and got so pissy when I ended it. There are plenty of fish in the sea, y’all, calm down.

My other complaint is about the quality of men on the website. Like my parents, I did agree that there would probably be a better caliber of men than what I was finding on Hinge and Bumble and all that. But boy, was I wrong. Even in the men that are showing in my Matches who are supposed to satisfy the search filters I have set up, I’m getting guys that are not on par with what I’m looking for.

I’m not trying to be vain or mean or classist/elitist in any way, but I mean, I have a Master’s degree and I’m getting guys who still live in their mom’s basements. It’s not about money, or status, or anything like that but many of the guys I just cannot imagine having an intellectually stimulating conversation with. Especially not after taking a look at how their bios are worded, their occupation sounding like something a Bachelor producer would come up with, and their interests sounding like those of a 19-year old frat boy. For how much EHarmony charges, they should screen a bit better.

I’ve tried complaining to EHarmony Customer Service about not only the lack of quality options and failed Match system, but also how much I dislike the “Discard” feature and my general safety concerns considering how many men from other random countries it seems are trying to wife me up to get a green-card. I mean if I wanted guys who just want to marry me because I’m pretty and they want to come to America, I could go into my “Message Requests” on Instagram and pick one of them. Every time I complained to them I got the same generic copy/pasted response about how “nothing is guaranteed.” No safety concerns were mentioned nor did I get any solutions, and I’ve basically been told to suck up the dissatisfaction and creepy messages for the remainder of my membership because I signed a contract.

That’s the other thing – they give you like two or three days to decide if you want to cancel, and that is absolutely not enough time.

For a while, my profile was mostly blank except for my Bio where I wrote that they won’t let me cancel and get a refund, and how unhappy I am with the service, in hopes that I would get reported enough for them to just kick me off and give me (my parents) a refund. I’m not trying to waste their money at all, and that’s why I just want to get out of it. I’ve also read hundreds of reviews now with people in similar situations and they all talk about what a rip-off and scam it is that they suck you in the way that you do then you get no good contacts or anything but you’re forced to stay in a membership you never use anymore because it sucks so much. Very, very sketchy.

Now, I did redo my profile but I was just very honest and vocal about not wanting certain things and expressing what I am looking for. Again, not trying to make it sound like I have a whole list of requirements, but it’s not even about appearance or having a certain salary or anything like that. It’s just about knowing what I deserve, and knowing that I’m not okay with long-distance, nor do I want to date a smoker or someone who already has kids.

If I had to give them a rating, I’d say maybe a 2/10. Overall, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be and I sincerely wish I’d spent the money on a different service, or just packed a suitcase and gone to Greece or something and found a husband there. At this point in my dating life, Greece is sounding like the better option.

Chapter 24: The Rollercoaster

Not as much fun as it sounds.

Well, folks, the time has come. This is the story that I have been dreading writing about ever since I finally decided to bite the bullet and start this blog.

As I’m sure you’ve realized by now, and like I have mentioned before, I typically use humor to mask my pain – and over the years I’ve gotten pretty good at it. But if you’ve come to love my blog for a laugh or two, some self-deprecation, and my amazing sense of humor, I’ll tell you right now that this chapter is not going to be like the rest. While I will try my best to sneak in a few jokes here and there, this story is still pretty recent, to me at least, and it still hurts a bit, so it might not have the same tone you’ve gotten used to. This is also one of those stories that no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t seem to condense into the usual length of these chapters without feeling like I wasn’t really telling the whole story the way it needs to be told in order to fully understand its impact.

But, what’s just as important to me as being funny and entertaining is being honest, and being real. In this chapter (okay, maybe it’s going to be a bit of a book), I will be 100% real. Sometimes, life sucks, a lot, but that’s just part of being human. To anyone else who’s experienced a particularly crappy heartbreak, you aren’t alone and I hope that this chapter helps you realize that.

So while I already have my big glass of wine to get me through writing this first part (which will most definitely take me at least a few days to finish), and I hope you do, too (I told you to get some ready last week!) – I’ve also taken the liberty of creating a playlist for you to enjoy while reading this chapter since I can already tell that it’s going to be a particularly long one. This playlist is meant to be listened to in the order I have it in to kind of parallel the story itself, but you can totally shuffle if that’s more your thing. If you don’t drink, grab some ice cream, if you don’t like ice cream, I don’t know what to tell you.

Also just a shameless plug for if you want to follow me on Spotify!

Alright, enough with the introduction. As always, all names have been changed to protect privacy. Let’s start the story of The Rollercoaster.

Earlier this year, I was back on Bumble, yet again, but so far had not been having a lot of luck. More than anything, I was just on there for entertainment and the occasional confidence boost, but really, I was kind of enjoying being single. I had finished grad school, I was about to start a cool new job where I’d get to travel, I felt healthy, and I was really happy with my life.

I had recently read an article about astrology feng shui or something, talking about how your home can impact other areas of your life, so I was kind of taking that into account in my life as well. Not just for romantic reasons, but I felt like I was attracting a lot of positively at that time, and I wanted to keep that going. One of the things they said to do was to clear out clutter and make more space in your home, because more physical space meant you were also making more space for positive things to come into your life – and yes, that’s including love.

An actually fun rollercoaster.
Photo by Stas Knop on Pexels.com

Then one night in January, I was on Bumble and I ended up matching with Tony. His profile was literally perfect – no fish photos, no games of “guess who?,” good grammar – the works. He was insanely attractive, and seemed like a great guy. He’s a personal trainer and massage therapist, but also teaches kids with special needs, and his profile talked about how much he loves what he does (which is a major turn-on for me considering I’m very over the guys who don’t have any work ethic), and I was extremely excited when I got the alert that we had matched.

I messaged him and asked him what his favorite food is – amazingly original, I know – but he responded with Italian, so I knew he was a keeper. It turned out that Tony is from the area, but now lives in Arizona, but was visiting Boston for the weekend. He asked me if I’d like to join him for drinks that night, and while for a moment or two I hesitated because I was kind of tired, I did end up saying yes.

However, I did almost end up late to meet because I got very invested in making myself some baked ziti and nearly thought about canceling, but something kept telling me that I couldn’t bail on this one. So, I ate my ziti very quickly, freshened up, and was on my way to the hotel he was staying at to meet him for some drinks.

I texted him that I was there, and he said he would come downstairs. The second I saw him, I froze. I have honestly never experienced anything like that before. I would say it’s kind of like the feeling I get when I unexpectedly see a picture of Liam Hemsworth and am reminded of how ridiculously sexy he is, but it was so much more. All my pre-date nerves immediately disappeared. I felt safe, I felt comfortable, I felt like this was it. This is what I’d been waiting for. I know that on the rare occasion when I fall for someone, I can fall hard but I swear I have never felt it so strongly or so quickly with anyone ever before. The way he smiled at me, I honestly felt like maybe he was feeling the same thing. It was the best feeling I’ve ever experienced.

We sat down at the bar and ordered drinks, and immediately the conversation started flowing. I told him about having recently finished grad school, the job I was about to start, my family, and studying for the LSAT. He told me about his family – including his many sisters – and his job, what brought him to Arizona, and more. I will be the first to admit that I have NEVER been a big fan of Boston accents, but oh my goodness – his is perfect. I was hanging on his every word not just because I was already so into him but because I loved the way he said everything. We had a lot in common, he made me laugh, he laughed at my dumb jokes and sarcasm, and overall we were hitting it off. Really, I felt like I’d known him for years. He was genuinely interested in what I had to say, too, which was a breath of fresh air.

He asked me if I wanted to come out with his friends after we finished our drinks, since they were in town and he wanted to see them, too, but he wanted to spend time with me since he was heading back to Arizona the next day. I agreed, so we went up to his room where I met one of his friends, we hung out there for a bit, and then headed over to Earl’s in the Prudential Center to meet the rest of his friends.

I liked them immediately. They all seemed so nice, and not at all put off by him bringing some random girl along – which I would have totally understood if they didn’t like. They welcomed me, made me feel comfortable and not like an outsider, and they seemed to really like Tony and think of him as a good guy. We all got along, so it was a good night and it made me feel even more comfortable with everything. I also thought it was absolutely adorable that he kept bragging about me to his friends and making them congratulate me on having just finished grad school.

As the night went on, and I had a couple of Moscow Mules (with gin instead of vodka – try it, I got Tony to and he liked it) in me, the liquid courage started coming out. Earlier, I had asked Tony if he wanted to see my apartment after drinks because I was talking about my rooftop views, and he said yes. Our chairs started to get a little closer, hands started getting touching under the table, and I was really excited. Not in a sexual sense, in a, “I really want to get to know him better” kind of way. Finally, he and his friends were talking about something they all had to do the next day and I leaned in and asked him if he was still coming to my place after. He said yes, after we were all done. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was just the connection I was already feeling, but I got a surge of boldness and whispered to him, “Oh, but I kind of want to go now.” With that, he told his friends we had to go and said good night. I told them goodbye and thanked them for letting me crash their evening, and we headed out.

On our way to the Uber, I said something about being an Empath, I don’t remember why, and he said he knew. I asked how he knew I was an Empath and he said that he’s one, too. I warned him that this does mean I’m prone to crying and feeling all the feels, and he said that was okay. He understood and said that he thought that was amazing. I think that was the first time I’ve told a guy what an emotional little thing I can be sometimes and he didn’t freak out over it or get weird about me admitting that I cry like at least once a day for no reason. While we were outside waiting, the “old me” that felt like I always needed to be sexual to keep a guy interested in me broke out for a second, and I asked him what his favorite position is. Tony replied, “This one” as he wrapped his arms around me from behind and gave me a kiss on the cheek. It was the cutest thing ever, I for sure swooned a little bit when he said that.

I remember the whole way back, I kept saying, “I never usually do this,” which I guess isn’t exactly true, but in a way, I felt like it was going to be the first something that I hadn’t done before. I kept asking if he’d think less of me, and made him swear not to think differently about me, that this was just because he was leaving the next day, and he assured me that he wouldn’t. I made him swear. He swore it was okay, he liked my confidence, he felt a connection, too, and he wouldn’t think any less of me for acting on what we both wanted.

Tony kissed me for the first time on my apartment building’s rooftop deck. I remember the exact spot. You know that “foot-popping” I’ve mentioned before? That was the first one I ever had. I mean, I didn’t literally pop my foot, but I felt it. It was very different from the way I’ve been kissed before. I remember at one point I was looking at the view, which is pretty amazing, and I looked back at him and I caught him looking at me smiling. You know that scene in “Tangled” when Rapunzel is looking at the floating lanterns, and Flynn is looking at her and you probably thought to yourself that you wanted a guy to look at you that way? That’s exactly what it was like.

We went back to my place and talked some more before things led to where I’m sure you can imagine they did. I asked him not to go right away because I didn’t want to feel like a prostitute or like I was being used, so he stayed a while longer. We had some laughs, I felt more comfortable than I ever have before, and really, it was just perfect. We cuddled a lot, and then he had to go but told me that I should come visit him in Arizona anytime, and said that we’d hang out next time he was in town. I believed him. He asked me to walk him downstairs and I did, and right before he left he gave me another big hug, a kiss, and said he couldn’t wait to see me again.

I was over the moon happy. I fell asleep like a little kid going to Disney World the next day. I was already feeling the beginning of this being more than a crush or lust, but I really felt like it was okay. I was so convinced that this would be it. When he texted me first thing the next morning, not making me doubt for even a second that this was just going to be a one-night-stand he bragged about to his friends, I was even more sure.

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Chapter 23: One Hit Blunders, Part IV – The Cheapskate and The Funcle

Welcome back to another week of One Hit Blunders! Today, you get to meet two men – one from Boston, The Cheapskate, and one from Florida, The Funcle. Let’s go.

The last date I went on in Boston before the world shut down was with Charles, I guy that I accidentally matched with when I went back on Hinge for all of about 36 hours way back in February (man, that feels like years ago) and ended up going out with.

Charles is an accountant for something important, I honestly cannot remember, but I do remember that I definitely did not mean to match with him because he didn’t seem like what I was looking for, nor did he really match the physical attributes I usually go for. But, I matched with him nonetheless and I’m too nice to be like, “Whoops sorry meant to swipe left!” so we started talking.

To be totally fair, I wasn’t really interested in ANY of the guys I was matching with because I was already 100% positive that I was already in love with someone else that I’d met just before this, The Rollercoaster. He’s coming up next week, but he lives on the West Coast so to be realistic and not obsess over him too much, I was still exploring other options in Boston just to protect myself. Fair warning before next week’s post, get yourself LOTS of wine. I will absolutely be drinking a very big glass of it while I write next week’s post to get me through it, and I can only imagine how long next week’s post will be — but, I don’t want to give TOO much away. For right now, all you need to know is that I was in love with him and didn’t really want to be going out with The Cheapskate, but my friends convinced me to go out just for kicks and giggles and I figured it couldn’t hurt. Anyway, let’s get back to the story.

So, Charles and I talked for a bit, and he asked for my number. Considering I didn’t even want to match with him, I pulled my classic trick of giving him my Google Voice number, which turned out to be an excellent decision.

He asked me out to lunch, and since he lives and works near Beacon Hill, which isn’t too far from me, I told him to pick a spot he could get to easily after his morning at work wrapped up. He picked a restaurant that turned out to have some very interesting food, but I went with it.

cheapskate

The day we met up, I immediately knew I was in for a future dating blog story. He was wearing a very strange trench coat despite the fact that it wasn’t even really that cold at the time, and he seemed very concerned about not letting it touch the floor even for a second. We sat down at the bar, which was at least a kind of good distraction from the fact that he was shorter than I thought (seriously, guys, AGAIN?) and he ordered a beer and asked me what I wanted, and I said I’d get a hard cider since I don’t drink beer.

Apparently, this was offensive to him and I “should have told him before” that I don’t drink beer, which I just rolled my eyes to because it isn’t a big deal to me. The bartender overheard me say this and offered to give me a sample of a beer he thought I’d like, I thanked him and said that would be great, thanks. He went and got me a little glass for the sample and sets it in front of me, and Charles took it and had the first sip, even though it was for me! It was so weird.

The food was awful but the only thing worse was the conversation. Half of me felt like I was in a job interview while the other half of me felt like I was some B-list celebrity being asked weird questions on the red carpet hoping I’d say something scandalous so that the reporter who asked it could feel special. It was weird, he talked an awful lot about himself, and anything that was asked about me immediately got brought back to him. No, thank you.

Even better, I remember that he only ordered an appetizer – that he had to ask the server 50 questions about before he’d agree to order it – and made some really judge-y comments when I ordered a burger and fries. I know I’m not a Victoria’s Secret model, and guess what, I don’t want to be – I love my body. So to any guy who thinks it’s okay to comment on what a girl orders and eats, and actually DOES comment on what she eats, I say this to you from the very bottom of my heart – I hope you remain single forever. No girl deserves to deal with an insecure jerk like that.

But the real kicker was when the bill came. As you know, I always offer to pay my half but never expect to actually do so. Now, keep in mind what I said before – Charles is an accountant for a big company, and he lives on Beacon Hill (which if you don’t know, is one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Boston) in a place where he can park his luxury car easily. So, he is not hurting in the money department. Meanwhile, I’d been telling him about my woes of being unemployed until I started a new job at the end of the month. He didn’t let me pay, but he did tell me I could cover the tip (which was still a considerable amount), and left me with a, “You can pay the next time.” How about no, because there definitely will not be a next time?

I had told him while we were eating that I wanted to go shopping on Beacon Hill at some point soon, and he offered to walk me since he was heading home, but I fibbed and told him that I couldn’t go that day. Instead, I went back towards my place a couple of blocks until I figured he couldn’t see me, hid in a shop for a bit, and then came back out and went shopping.

Later that day, he messaged me about getting together and I pulled my go-to line, trying to be nice but firm. His response was literally just, “Oh come on, I know you’re into me.” I was none too pleased at his attitude so I pretty much just said, “Actually, I’m not. I didn’t enjoy our date at all. Bye.” He tried to respond to that, but I didn’t answer. I blocked him. Just another story for the book… well, blog.

When coronavirus started to get bad, my mom told me she did not want me to be up here in Boston by myself, so she told me to come home to Florida, which I gladly did.

After awhile, my family all made the collective decision that I needed to go on Bumble or something while I was there, if nothing else, to make new friends and just get me out of the house since for most of the five months I was there the two people I hung out with the most were my mom and my three year old niece. So, I went back on Bumble.

My sister in law had a grand time living vicariously through me, since dating apps didn’t really become a thing until after she met my brother, so she did some swiping for me which led to my parents – mostly my dad – feeling left out. My dad wanted to know how Bumble worked and I said we could mirror my phone to the TV in the living room and he could help me. We were kind of joking, but actually, that’s exactly what we did.

A few nights of quarantine, my parents and I gathered in the living room and I’d set my phone up to display on the TV, and remind them of my rules:

No more than one fish photo.
No more than one mirror selfie.
I don’t play Guess Who – if all of the photos are group shots, it’s a no.
No kids (too complicated).
Proper use of their/they’re/there and your/you’re.
Actually has at least something interesting in their bio, and/or at least a question or two answered.

Really, these are not too crazy of guidelines – yet it was very difficult to find decent matches.

But, I did match with Eddie, who we all liked because he called himself a “funcle” and had some cute pictures with his nieces and nephews. As someone who is also obsessed with their nieces, I figured we’d get along.

We talked a bit, and then he asked me out and I figured I was being smart about being around people, and I was okay with doing a semi-socially distanced date so long as we were outdoors. We met at a tiki bar, and he got there a few minutes before me which allowed him time to order a drink without me – I don’t know, is that weird that it kind of bothered me?

He seemed nice enough, but guess what, I had ANOTHER height liar! Maybe I’m just really bad at estimating people’s heights, but he definitely seemed shorter than he said, or he had really bad posture. He also did not look a ton like his photo in general, but I let it slide and decided to try to have fun regardless.

I did not have fun. Again, the conversation was lagging, with way too many awkward silences for me to count and a lot of me just staring at my drink hoping that it would magically give me inspiration on literally ANYTHING to talk about that would result in a conversation longer than two minutes long. It failed. I had also told him beforehand not to take it personally if I didn’t hug or anything, I was trying to be safe with corona, and to please respect that but he still hugged me like three times over the course of the night, and it was that awkward thing where I kind of just stood there with my arms at that weird “caught by surprise” angle not knowing what to do. Overall, it was just not a good night and I finally told him I had to be home soon (my brother did give me a curfew, after all) and left.

And I never heard from him again. Another little thing I like is when a guy at least makes sure that I get home safely after a date, but he didn’t even do that. I just never heard from him, which was fine with me. I unmatched with Eddie, and called it another loss but also a gain because at least I got a free drink out of it. Honestly though, I hope that he’s more fun with his nieces and nephews than he was with me.

And that brings us to the end of another One Hit Blunders! Don’t forget the wine for next week – see you soon!

Chapter 22: The [Redacted]

Every party has a pooper, and for my blog, that party pooper was the subject of this story. I’m going to call him Bruce. I did reach out to Bruce to ask him if he was okay with me sharing this story, and he said he would prefer that I not, but considering that nothing really happened, and I’m already being nice by changing names and leaving out most identifying features, and I could easily just be super vague about who he is (he needs to realize that he’s not THAT famous), I wanted to write it anyway. So with the encouragement of my friends and family who are much more fun than Bruce, I decided to go for it – I mean, you know what they say – ask for forgiveness, not permission, right? So, here we are. Ready? Me too.

Given that Bruce is a “private” person, and I’m a nice person (mostly), I do have to be awfully vague, for which I apologize for in advance. But, I will do my best to keep this as entertaining as possible despite the fact that I can’t tell you too much information about Bruce. I’m up for the challenge!

For the sake of the story, let’s just say that Bruce is a guitarist in a very, very small band – like, two people – that comes from the land down under (sorry for getting that song stuck in your head). My parents have season tickets for the local performing arts hall near them in Sarasota, so they had tickets to see their show when they were on tour in the USA. I was at my parents’ home during that time as I was in between jobs and wanted some Florida sunshine. A day or two before the show, my dad realized that based off of the marketing of the show, and their band name, he didn’t think he would enjoy it as much as the female-crowd, so he told me I could take his ticket and go with my mom. So, I decided to go.

My mom figured that this “band” might call people up and have some audience participation moments, as their type of performance typically involves them, so she told me to dress nicely because of course I’d get called up. Low and behold, for their first audience participation moment, when they announced that they needed a “beautiful, sexy lady” to come up and join them, guess who Bruce’s bandmate made a beeline for? Me. So, I ended up onstage with his friend, Nick, to help him out with one of the songs.

I helped him out, was given a little memento as a thank you, went back to my seat, and enjoyed the rest of the show. Afterwards, I snapped a picture of my little memento and tagged the band, thanking them for a great night, and thought nothing else would happen. But I was incorrect.

As I was lying in bed, I decided to take one more look at my Instagram before going to sleep and I saw that I had a new message. I was very surprised when I realized that it was Bruce. He told me that, “He heard I completely stole the show.” I responded that I hadn’t heard that, but I’d take his word for it. And then we began talking. Apparently, it was more the side view of my butt that stole the show (let’s be real, we all know it’s pretty great) and he couldn’t help but check it out from the wings of the stage. So, we talked, we flirted. He shared a revealing picture, I shared a much less revealing picture. I could tell what we both wanted the conversation to lead to, and clearly, I’m always game for a good story, so I kept egging him on a bit until he started saying things about being lonely in bed, yada yada.

instagram DM

Sliding into the DMs.

I’m not an idiot – I know that he’s like, not even D-List famous even in his home country, but because he’s a very attractive performer with an accent he could and probably does have a little bit of fun in every city. But I was willing to be part of his American tales for the sake of getting some tales of my own. He told me what hotel he was staying at, but then I got nervous. I wanted to go, but didn’t want to wake up my dogs, who would wake up my parents, and while I do sometimes feel like I missed out on the “sneaking out of the house” phase of my teens by going to boarding school, I don’t feel the need to live these moments as a 28-year old woman. To be totally honest, I also didn’t want to have to put makeup and real pants back on, either. Instead, I told him I was going to sleep but to message me in the morning and I’d come over before he left.

And that he did. He told me we wouldn’t have much time, but at least something, but only if I wanted to. I told my family that he had invited me out for coffee, hopped in my car, and drove to his hotel. I got there only for him to tell me that I had *just* missed them, they ended up leaving to go to the next city earlier than expected, and he was sorry and disappointed but we wouldn’t get to hang out. He also couldn’t believe that I actually drove over there – clearly, he doesn’t know me well.

But, since we couldn’t hang out, I told him that actually, I lived in Boston, and I knew from looking at their tour page that they’d be up that way in a few weeks, so he could make it up to me then. He agreed, saying he’d take me out for a drink and we would hang out then.

Totally an aside, but I find it hilarious that I told my family he had invited me out for an innocent cup of coffee and they went with it for my sake. To be fair, I think my brother (who found out about it last, because it’s my brother) was suspicious but didn’t want to know the truth because I’m his baby sister, my sister-in-law DEFINITELY did not buy it and I confirmed her thoughts that coffee was not on either of our minds later, and my mom is my mom – she knows when I’m lying (and not just because my right eye twitches when I lie – true story) so I’m about 99.9% sure that she knew I went over there for another type of pick-me-up, but again, didn’t want to push it because I’m an adult and I’m her child and there are some things you just do not want to know.

At this point, Nick (the bandmate I helped with the performance) and I had also exchanged some DMs, and he promised me that if I bought tickets to see their show in the Boston area, he’d upgrade me to VIP. I wasn’t sure if he’d remember, but figured I enjoyed the show, and the one in Boston was around my friend’s birthday, so I’d get some tickets for us as a present to her and see what happened as it got closer.

Well, Bruce got weird. He was following me on Instagram for a while and liking my pictures – even ones from a long time ago, so you KNOW he was trying to get in my pants – and then one day he was not. I tried to have a few conversations with him while he was traveling, nothing crazy but just recommending places for him to check out while he was in different cities, small talk kind of things late at night, and he got less and less responsive over time. I don’t know if he was getting nervous about meeting, if I was being too forward (very possible), if he had just changed his mind, or if something weirder was going on, but I could tell that that meant we were not going to hang out like he promised.

But I am very petty, so I messaged Nick again a few days before the show to ask if the offer for VIP still stood, and he said yes. With that, I made sure to pick out a very nice outfit to wear. My friend I had invited, Celia, and I met up and went to the theatre where we got our VIP bands. After getting settled into our seats, I decided to mess with Bruce a bit by snapping a photo of the stage and messaging it to him – amazingly, he responded. I told him I’d see him after the show (which would technically be our first time meeting) and he went quiet again.

We had a great time at the show and then went up for the Meet and Greet. When Bruce saw me, I could tell he was nervous. He started holding his guitar defensively in front of him, and I made a sassy comment about it not covering anything I hadn’t already seen a picture of, which actually made him laugh. We took a photo, and I went home.

We did message a bit more after that, I thanked them both for a fun night, may or may not have made some sarcastic comment to Bruce about him not following through on his promises, and carried on with my life. I decided to unfollow Bruce and their page because they were going back to another country for quite awhile and it just didn’t make sense to keep in touch.

The last time we spoke was when I ever-so-kindly told him about this blog and asked if he was cool with me using the story and he said that “his dating life is very private” but mine clearly is very NOT private, and I didn’t actually tell you his name or what he really does, so I’m kind of meeting in the middle. Compromise, right? Plus, like I said, he’s not famous – I promise y’all it’s not someone you would ever know or who you’d be excited about. If it was Liam Hemsworth, trust me, you’d know. Anyway, I’m not trying to make him mad or throw him under the bus or anything, but, this story is funny! Really, I’m the one who looks crazy because I drove to a 3-star hotel to meet someone I’d never even spoken to in real life, and then used their bandmate against them to get my own petty revenge, so honestly I don’t even know what he’s worried about.

But, it was still a cool story of what could have been a GREAT night but instead is just a “what if?” tale of the time I had a guy slide into my DMs after his show purely because of his view of my butt. It would have been a better story if he hadn’t chickened out, but everything happens for a reason, right? Maybe I’ll get to have a story with another “guitarist” or semi-famous person someday.

Chapter 14: One Hit Blunders, Part I – The Semi-Date and The Dollar Man

Welcome to part one of a series I’m going to be adding to this, all about the first and only dates I’ve had with a handful or so of guys who otherwise didn’t really have a huge role in my life or provide much of anything important – besides giving me some great material over the course of one date.

Shout out to my mom for giving me the title idea for this series, which she originally called “One Hit Wonders,” but since I can’t exactly say that all of these guys were, in fact, particularly wonderful, I decided to change “wonder” to “blunder,” because really, that just felt more appropriate.

First up, we have The Semi Date, Roman, and The Dollar Man, Rodrigo.

My Sophomore year of college, my sorority’s semi-formal was coming up (hey there, Alpha Epsilon Phi). I wasn’t dating anyone (big surprise), so I figured I could either get set up by a girl or guy friend, which a lot of my sisters did, or I could invite a guy friend. I chose the latter, inviting a friend of mine, Dallas, who was in a fraternity we were close with to come with me, and he accepted. Super random side note, but I remember that because I’d just gone ahead and paid for his ticket he brought me a bottle of Hypnotiq for the pre-game at my friend’s place, and I thought I was super cool drinking a teeny-tiny bit of this electric blue concoction, which should say a lot about how I was at 19, but I digress.

We got to our semi-formal, which was at a hotel, and Dallas and I had a good time together, but as the night progressed I started to become ever so slightly suspicious that he had a different idea of how the night would end than I did. Which is where Roman comes in.

Roman was in a different fraternity, and had been brought by one of my good friends, Courtney, after being set up by a mutual friend. I hung out with her for part of the night and started talking to him as well, and developed a bit of a crush. This ended up helping me avoid a potentially awkward conversation with Dallas when it was time to leave, and the night ended on a good note with him, and we remained friendly throughout college.

My sorority’s mascot is the giraffe, that’s all
I could find a photo of!
Photo by Frans Van Heerden on Pexels.com

Long story short, I knew I had a thing for Roman, but obviously, girl code exists so before making a move, I asked Courtney if she was okay with it and she said yes, of course, (their ‘date’ wasn’t anything serious). So I added him on Facebook, sent him a message making up some ridiculous reason for why he needed to text me, gave him my number, got him to text me, we talked for a bit, and then after a little while, I more or less forced him to ask me out, which he eventually did.

He asked me what I wanted to eat if we went to a restaurant, and I said anything but Thai food. We got Thai food. (I told him it was okay once he suggested it, really, I can find something anywhere, plus, he paid). Then, he walked me back to my dorm and was CLEARLY waiting for the invite up, which I could tell, and after about three seconds of nearly letting temptation give in, I was pretty much just like, “Okay cool, had a great time, thanks, bye!” And ran upstairs.

Obviously, things didn’t go further from there. I did text him a couple of times after but we never met up, though I did run into him on the street once years later and it was very awko-taco. To be fair, I myself was often confused by how incredibly forward I was considering my complete and total lack of sexual prowess at the time, so I probably gave him some insanely mixed signals, and considering he was a college-aged frat guy, I get it. So, no hard feelings, just some free Thai food and a funny story about hijacking my friend’s semi-date.

Next up is The Dollar Man – you’ll see why I call him this pretty soon. This was back in the summer of 2016, when I’d just moved back to Orlando, so excited to be closer to Christian again, just to have him give me a three-month long silent treatment because I (rightfully) got mad at him and called him out for something. But, I was about to start a new job and make new friends, plus I had really cool strawberry blonde hair at the time, so, I was determined to make the most of the summer.

I matched with Rodrigo on Tinder. He was from Portugal which I thought was pretty cool (me and my love of foreign men never gets old), and we talked pretty often for a couple of weeks. Finally, I asked him if he was going to ask me out one of these days (are you noticing a trend with me?) and he did, finally asking me to go to Kobe’s – which, if you don’t know, is a Japanese steakhouse – that weekend. I accepted because who doesn’t love some good hibachi?

When we got there, I was immediately a bit perturbed because, again, here was someone who’d clearly fudged on his height a bit. I had asked him how tall he was over Tinder, just out of curiosity to know if I could wear heels or not, and he told me in centimeters, which I converted to be about 5’10” or so. He was about 5’7”, maybe 8”. Again, I don’t care about height, but I DO care when you lie about something that’s going to be blatantly obvious when we meet.

He was also SUPER nervous the whole time. He was clearly intimidated by me, which was kind of cute at first, but as the night went on it just got annoying. We ended up going on a walk after dinner because we were so full, and the whole time he was so jittery talking to me I kept thinking, “Holy crap, if we get jumped right now am I going to have to be the one to beat the person up?”

Can you pay my bills?
Photo by Burst on Pexels.com

But really, the biggest problem with Rodrigo came when we got the bill. I always, always, always offer to split the check on the first date (and all dates, really), and when I did, he declined, and I said thank you. Usually, that’s it. But not with him. After he paid, he went on a very long tangent thanking me for offering to pay, because usually girls don’t, and it’s so rude when they don’t, because why do women think that the dollars they earn are more valuable than the ones that a man earns, so it’s up to the guy to always pay? He even told me that one time he nearly left a girl stranded on a date because she hadn’t offered to pay! He went on about this for way too long to the point that I felt very uncomfortable, almost wanting to just take back the bill and pay for myself and split.

I get a guy being appreciative of a girl offering to split the bill, but he didn’t have to bash all the girls who didn’t. I might get flack for this, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being old-fashioned and traditional and expecting the man to pay for the first date. After that, you can split or take turns, sure, but everyone was raised differently and might have different ideas with that. Ultimately, if that’s a problem for you, tell the person what works for you – don’t hold it in and then talk smack about them on a date with a different person.

So, again, Rodrigo was a bust. I remember I even gave him my leftovers because I was going away the next day and didn’t want to waste them, which is kind of funny when you think about it. Overall, he seemed pretty nice but ultimately I was turned off by the height lie, clear intimidation, and monologue about the value of a dollar and didn’t pursue anything further.

And that, my friends, is part one of One Hit Blunders. Stay tuned for next week, when your regularly scheduled blogging will return (get excited for The Stalker!), but don’t worry, more One Hit Blunders are on their way.