Chapter 44: I Deleted My Dating Apps ft. The Baseball Player and The Namecaller

Y’all, I just couldn’t do it anymore – I deleted my dating apps. 

A few weeks ago, I deleted Tinder and Bumble. But, I did make a Hinge profile specifically so that I can get an idea of what the options are like when I was in Austin and Scottsdale (more on that later). But as of last night, when I returned, that was gone, too. 

So, what drew me to make this decision? Honestly, a lot of things.


1. Quality

The biggest reason was that I have just not been finding quality guys on these apps. The few times I thought I had someone decent, it was a bust. Take Brad, The Baseball Player. We matched, texted a bit, went out for drinks and apps, and had a really great time. I actually liked him more than I expected to. He has a good job, works really hard (work ethic is one of my biggest non-sexual turn-ons), is tall, and was really nice and very funny the whole time. We shared some amazing appetizers, and I genuinely had a great time. We talked a bit for a couple of days after, and then nothing. He literally just disappeared.  

I’m not saying that Brad isn’t a quality guy. He did have a lot of qualities that I’m looking for. But he clearly didn’t have one quality that is extremely important to me – communication skills. Either he wasn’t willing to make the effort, or didn’t know how to (and I don’t want to be the one courting a guy). Or, he just didn’t want to tell me he wasn’t interested anymore. No matter what, it just wasn’t a match. 

Besides Brad, I haven’t actually been out with more than one of my recent matches. Frankly, they just weren’t that interesting. I haven’t found a single guy who makes me excited to get a message from him in several months. Yes, I know people can come off as different over text versus in person, but still. It’s just not exciting anymore.

Finally, don’t even get me started on all the catfishers.

2. Quantity

This one is pretty straightforward. I have seen SO many of the same guys on these apps. Some of them I’ve seen each time I’ve redownloaded the apps in a moment of weakness. (This mostly happens when I need an ego boost). Yes, I know that this means that I’m still single, too… but I usually delete my apps if I’m seeing someone. Then, I update them if I go back on. But I’ve seen some guys who have basically the exact same profile which is very suspicious to me – does that mean you’ve just been chilling with the exact same profile for years and haven’t had to get off of it for even a few months? Or, they leave it up while they’re dating someone.

I’ve also even accidentally rematched with guys I’ve matched with on another app before but, for whatever reason, disregarded as someone with actual potential. Then when I realize it, I have to unmatch them again. I really thought Boston was a big city – but the amount of guys I’ve seen MULTIPLE times shows me that is a lie. 

Side note, I saw The Boyfriend again. He’s still lying about who he is, but at least he’s updated his photos. I tried to report him but it wouldn’t let me.

3. Guys Who Hide Behind their Phones

To be fair, this one kind of goes along with “Quality,” but I wanted to make a distinction. It’s one thing to just have a lot of guys that I have nothing in common with. Or guys who don’t know how to actually date. But i’s another to have guys that feel like because they don’t actually know you, they can be mean. 

The amount of guys who immediately turn things sexual is obscene and, if I weren’t such a hopeless romantic, it would make me sad and disheartened. I mean, a lot of guys are sexist anyway but they feel like since they’re on their phones they can get away with it more. 

Then there are the guys who are just straight-up rude. For instance, one specific guy I matched with. I honestly don’t want to waste too much energy coming up with a fake name or nickname for him. I’ll just call him The Namecaller. 

Once we switched to (Google Voice) text, he got kind of weird. Constantly asking me where I was, what I was doing, who I was with. If I went out to dinner, he’d ask me where and then ask how far it was from where I lived.

When I mentioned that a lot of my friends had moved from the city, but then later said I was hanging out with a friend to get him to leave me alone, he made it sound like I just wasn’t allowed to have any friends since I’d told him a lot of them moved. He was always trying to find out where I was and where I lived. He asked several times if I had any roommates. It freaked me out. 

One day, I “accidentally” unmatched him and he flipped out. He started messaging me asking why I unmatched him, and I just said it was an accident. But I also mentioned that his constantly interrogating me on where I was didn’t sit well with me. And, it made me uncomfortable. Then he just started to get rude and unnecessarily sassy. After a bit, I told him that I didn’t see it working out and was no longer interested in going out with him. 

He did not take this well. He got super defensive and accusatory and started insulting me. So I said that if this was how he reacted to a woman saying no to a date – which I had every right to do – I was glad I’d said no. And then he just got even worse. He called me “rude,” and said that he didn’t understand how I expected anyone to want to date me if this was how I was going to be about simple questions. I didn’t even answer. I just blocked him. Sorry, I’ve already had a guy tell me nobody would ever love me – I’m not about to listen to another mediocre manchild tell me the same thing.

The funny thing is he used to live in my building. Luckily, that made it easier to find him and block him on Facebook, too. Just in case. 

4. Time and Energy

We all know that we shouldn’t be spending so much time on our phones, and I am passionate about that. I’ve been actively trying to be less attached to my phone. I turned off most notifications, deleted some of my most used apps, etc. I could think of 100 other things that are a much better use of my time and energy than sitting on my phone swiping on guys that I probably won’t like, or who probably won’t even answer me if we do match. 

I’m trying to better myself. I’m on a big self-love and growth journey right now. And this will help me become the person I want to be. Ultimately, this will help me be someone who is a better girlfriend. Wasting my time on guys who, frankly, aren’t worth it when I could be doing something valuable just doesn’t make any sense to me anymore. 

Especially since so many of the profiles are actually bots that the companies use to keep people interested in swiping for hours on end. It’s just an energy and time sucker. I don’t feel like participating anymore. 

I also believe in the Law of Attraction, and I just don’t have good expectations from dating apps. Sometimes, they don’t make me feel good about myself. I’d rather be out there living my life and being amazing and feeling positive. That way, I’ll meet men who are also amazing and positive.

Chapter 39: The Disappearing Act

Hello, friends! Sorry for the unexpected hiatus. I had another shortage of material and then a crazy week so I’m a bit behind.
Speaking of unexpected disappearances, that brings me to this week’s post. Let me introduce you to Mac, yet another Bumble-bust.

Hello, friends! Sorry for the unexpected hiatus. I had another shortage of material and then a crazy week so I’m a bit behind.


Speaking of unexpected disappearances, that brings me to this week’s post. Let me introduce you to Mac, yet another Bumble-bust. 

Mac seemed nice on paper. He has a good job, just bought a new place, and seemed to have his shit together. Overall, a fun guy. 

Even though he’s a self-proclaimed ginger, and save for a very brief Ron Weasley phase, the only ginger I’ve ever been attracted to is Prince Harry circa 2014, he was funny. If you know me, you know that looks are definitely not everything to me. But, personality is, so I was excited to get to know him. 

So far, I was enjoying talking to him. Even if I wasn’t anywhere near the point of knowing whether or not it was going to go anywhere, Mac definitely seemed like the type of guy I’d want to be friends with. And no, that’s not me instantly friend-zoning him. I’m just stating a fact. 

We started off chatting on Bumble, and things were going pretty well. We had similar taste in music, movies, and general hobbies. He’s close with his family, and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. He didn’t judge me for saying that Twizzlers are my favorite candy. Plus, he balanced being on the “flirty but not sexual” line very well. Mac just seemed like a cool guy. 

After a while of talking on Bumble, we transitioned to text. He asked for my number, but made it clear I wasn’t obligated to do so if I wasn’t comfortable with that. I respect and appreciate that. I almost gave him my real number, but at the last minute decided to stick with Google Voice. Just in case, you know? 

Over text, we talked even more. He definitely seemed to have a good sense of humor and knew how to make fun of himself without making it sound like he’s just fishing for compliments. That’s something I rarely find in men, so it was a definite plus. I’m very attracted to men who know that they’re human and don’t take themselves too seriously. But, I also can’t stand when guys constantly put themselves down JUST to get me to compliment them. Confident but not arrogant, basically. 

Also, speaking of compliments, he almost immediately complimented my smile and my eyes. I personally think they’re my most attractive features. But, I feel like at least on dating apps, it’s usually a body part on my lower body that gets the most attention and compliments. Itt was nice to know that he was actually looking at my face in the photos. 

Another factor that’s very important to me with a future significant other is that they understand, appreciate, and at least kind of share my obsession with Marvel movies. If you didn’t know, I’m a huge superhero fan. My brother and I have seen almost every single MCU movie together. We always go within days of it being released, if not opening night. The few exceptions are when I was studying abroad – my brother waited for me to get home from Italy so we could see “Iron Man 3” together – “Dr. Strange,” and I think maybe one other movie. It’s a tradition for us (and always will be) so I need someone who understands why that’s a big thing to me and gets just as excited about new movies and TV shows as I do. Mac did. 

He also was fascinated that I used to work at Disney. He said loves the parks and the whole Disney-vibe. That’s another dealbreaker for me – you don’t need to be quite as big of a Disney fanatic as I am, but at least like it. I also just like when people show interest in something that I’m clearly very excited about talking about. He also told me he’d take me to a bar or somewhere to watch a Bruins game so I can finally understand more than the very basic rules of hockey. He’s a big hockey guy, so I thought that would be perfect.

So far, it seems like things were going fairly well, right? Well, they were. After a bit of talking, he asked me if I’d be up for going out with him that weekend, and I said yes. And not just because I needed material – I genuinely wanted to meet him in person and see what I thought. We picked a day and a general idea of where we’d meet. It seemed like things were on track for us to meet.


The Disappearance

And then, nothing. We had plans to meet Thursday after work. The Sunday before, we were having a great conversation about wines. Monday, I asked how his day was. Silence. I figured, it’s Monday, maybe a rough day, no worries. So I let it slide. Wednesday, I asked him if we were still on for the next day. More silence. By Thursday, I basically had a deadline that if he hadn’t said anything to me by noon, I wasn’t going out with him.

When noon came and went, I figured I should at least notify him that I was about to ghost him – karma, and all that – and pretty much just said that I wasn’t sure what happened, but no worries, and best of luck. It was like he’d disappeared into thin air – one minute he was there, having a great chat, next thing you know… poof. 

I wasn’t upset about it, really. I mean, I didn’t even know him yet. But it was just really strange. Considering on that same day, or maybe the day before, I had another Bumble match cancel our Friday date because he found my blog (yes, seriously) I thought that maybe Mac had found it, too. But he didn’t seem like the type to get worked up about it, so that didn’t seem right. I thought maybe he’d tried to do some social media stalking and couldn’t. He didn’t have my real number, maybe he thought I was catfishing him. I definitely like to give people the benefit of the doubt and make excuses for their behavior, clearly. (And you wonder why I’ve been in so many toxic relationships.) 

For a hot second, I did think about saying something a little bit spicier about how it’s rude to ghost people. Then I watched that Netflix movie “Desperados” and thought maybe he’d been in an accident like the guy in that movie. So I didn’t even bother. But, it was weird. I had gone from having 3 dates scheduled that weekend to 1 – and I ended up canceling it because of the craziness of the past couple of weeks. 

So Mac was another bust. His loss, right? I did look up news reports that weekend just to satisfy my own curiosity and see if maybe something had happened to him, but I couldn’t find anything with the limited knowledge I had. My money is on him not being quite as easy-going as he seemed and finding my blog, or thinking I was catfishing when he couldn’t find my Snapchat or Instagram or anything with the phone number he had. 


Mini-Tangent Ahead

This brings me to my next point. I realize that my having this blog may deter some men. I knew that when I started this, and I did it anyway. And some of you know the details of the guy who canceled on me, but I’m not going to go into it on here because it’s not worth it. 

But I do wonder – do the guys who don’t (or won’t) like that I have this blog not realize that I only write about the crazy stories? I mean, how many people do you know that have had their date run off because of a ‘dying dolphin’? Or get sent photos of 9” long dildos at 6am? That’s funny!

Alstroemeria is the friendship flower. <3
Photo by Skylar Kang on Pexels.com

And if it’s not a crazy, funny story, it’s a “lesson learned” story. I’m trying to help girls (and guys) realize that they are not alone in the heartbreaks. They’re not the only girl who has been cheated on, or (unknowingly) cheated with. They’re not the only girl who’s had a guy make them feel like they’re nothing more than a body. I’m not afraid to own up when I make a mistake or have some sort of lapse in judgment in a relationship. Those are real human feelings that happen to EVERYONE. Yes, this is cathartic and fun for me, but I do it more in hopes that maybe I’m helping one person out there realize that they’re not alone in the way that they feel. 

To be honest, I have a lot more that I could say about that matter in general, but again, not worth it. Really, if there’s any guy – past, present, or future – who judges me because of this, it’s a bullet dodged. Whether it’s because of the knowledge that they’ll probably end up doing something that’ll put them on it, or some sort of sexist/misogynistic view, if they want to take themselves out of the running, be my guest. 

Moving on!


Pandemic Dating

I’m going to be honest, y’all. Dating has sucked lately. I’ve been open-minded, and I’m still very optimistic and hopeful that I’m going to meet someone amazing soon, but it’s been nearly impossible to find a decent guy on the apps lately. I even upgraded my Bumble account for a month to see if that helped. Nope.

In the past few months, I think there’s been maybe one guy that I’ve been at least somewhat excited about. He turned out to be a major workaholic so I accepted a while ago that the chances of him making an effort to meet me are slim to none. No offense, but I feel like if you’re not going to put in any effort, you shouldn’t be on an app saying you’re looking for a relationship.

I feel like I do better in person anyway. I’ve never thought I was going to meet the love of my life on an app (okay, maybe once). There’s definitely some sort of organic, natural meet-cute in my future. But with the way Boston is right now, it’s been extremely difficult to meet anyone. I’m running out of stories because I haven’t been on a date in forever, I haven’t been able to go out and meet people in normal environments. Not even friends – I finally resorted to Bumble BFF.  Overall, and I know I’m not alone with this, it’s just kind of been not very fun.

Maybe I’m the only one who saw the masterpiece that is the Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor movie, but the scene where she’s just yelling that she’s “so bored” has been an accurate representation of my feelings towards my love/social life lately. I need some excitement. So I’m going to make a conscious effort to go find some, regardless of the circumstances of my city’s rules. But still staying safe, obviously. 


So that brings us to the end of this week’s chapter. Will I be back next week? I honestly don’t know yet, if I have some inspiration then yes, if not, then stay tuned for whatever excitement I’m able to find and create for myself soon.

In the meantime, I hope everyone is staying happy, healthy, and safe! Sending you all the positive vibes!

P.S. What do you think of the redesign? Let me know!

Chapter 37: One Hit Blunders, Part VI – The Russian

When I got back to Boston after the holidays, I was eager to get back into the dating world. Like I said in my Q&A last week, lately I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself. After taking lots of “me-time,” I finally feel ready for a real relationship. I just need to meet someone that I want to have a relationship with. With Boston still in the not-fun stages of lockdown, it’s basically out of the question to go out and meet someone the natural way. Which means most of my searching has been on the apps that I live to hate. This is how I met Anton. 

Anton and I matched on Tinder. He looked very tall, has a good job, and is a bit older (I think 34 or 35). Overall , he seemed nice. We started talking and he got kind of flirty pretty quickly. Not in a sexual way, just in an overuse of emojis way. But when I found out he was Russian that somehow explained it. Maybe this is just my own experience with Russians/Eastern Europeans, but I feel like they’ve all been really into emojis. Like, sending me the kissy-face with the heart one right off that bat. Kind of weird, but not a deal-breaker. 

I liked that he seemed very interested in me. He was eager to learn more about me, and he’s smart. So when he asked for my number I came *this* close to giving him my real one. But at the last minute, I decided to stick with the Google Voice one. When I sent to save his number, I realized apparently I’ve matched with too many guys with his name. I ended up having to clarify that he was “the Russian one.” And yes, I save numbers (most of the time). I’m bad with names and if I do end up going out with them, I need to remember who I need to look for. 

We texted back and forth a bit, he kept up with the emojis, but overall no bright red flags. I thought it was funny because I asked what kind of music he liked. He said since he grew up during the 90s he was a big fan of bands like Nirvana. I’m always fascinated by people who grew up in other countries identifying their childhood with American bands. So I agreed to meet him for a date. Nothing crazy, just a coffee date. But, I hadn’t been on a date in awhile so I dressed pretty cute just because I felt like it. It was mostly for myself, though.


We met up at Haymarket, which isn’t too far from my place. Almost immediately, I knew he was not going to be the one for me. I don’t know why, I just had a feeling. I have very strong gut reactions that are usually pretty good at telling me if I’m going to have good chemistry with someone or not. And I was pretty positive I was not going to have it with him. I was right.

First of all, while Anton’s profile pictures were correct in depicting his height, as soon as we were able to take our masks off I realized that I had overlooked one of my biggest rules. Usually on dating apps, I take notice if a guy only has closed-lip smiles. It usually says something about their teeth and smile. I had forgotten to take that into account on Anton’s profile. 

Listen, I understand not everyone likes the dentist. Maybe growing up he didn’t have access to a good one, but I feel like if you live in a city that’s known for its healthcare, you have a good job where you can definitely afford it, and are trying to meet someone, and you still haven’t done anything to just show a bit of an investment in yourself, it’s a bit of a warning. I mean, if you aren’t going to show that you’re willing to practice good hygiene and that you can take care of yourself on a part of you that people see nearly every day (at least pre-mask days), what else are you slacking on?

And to be clear, this wasn’t an, “Oh, he has coffee stains,” or “Could maybe use braces” issue. This was like, ‘needs braces and perhaps other orthodontic work, has probably never had a dental cleaning, and I’m questioning if he even brushes his teeth’ situation. Maybe that isn’t a deal-breaker to most people, but I take pride in the fact that my dentist compliments me every six months. Plus, my smile is one of the things I get the most compliments on. I’m not saying I need a guy to have Julia Roberts-level teeth, but a good smile is important to me.

But that wasn’t even the worst of it. We had agreed to get coffee, so I went there preparing to get coffee. It was about 11:00, so I’d already had breakfast. But then he told me he was hungry. Which, fine, go ahead and get something to eat. But we didn’t even get coffee yet. Instead, I’m walking around with him while he tries to decide what to get to eat. What he finally decided on, I don’t think I’ll ever understand.

Y’all. He went to one of the seafood booths. I like seafood, but not at 11 AM on a date. And he got, I kid you not, a whitefish sandwich with onions on an everything bagel .

I feel like if I made a list of foods you shouldn’t eat on a date, I would put all three of those things at the top. Fish. Onions. Everything bagel? I love a good everything bagel but not on a date! Who does that? I was probably more flabbergasted by his choice of food than I should be, but I was just very confused by this decision.

But then, because Anton decided to get food, we couldn’t just walk around. We had to wear masks inside the market but I figured once we got the coffee we could walk around the area outside and stay under the awnings. Since he wanted to eat, though, we had to go outside and sit in the rain. First he got all annoyed that the tables were wet. Like yes, that is usually what happens when it’s raining, things get wet.

I was able to pull my jacket down to sit at least. We wouldn’t have even needed to sit if he hadn’t thrown off the plans by getting food to eat there instead of just to go. I’d grabbed a pack of veggies to take home, but that was it I wasn’t planning on eating there because it had always just been coffee, and then I was sitting there watching him eat fish and onions at a wet table. 

While he ate, we talked a bit more and it was extremely apparent that we have virtually nothing in common. I sat there staring into the distance begging myself to think of something to talk about on more than one occasion. During one of our silences, I decided to ask if he had any pets and if he liked animals. Specifically, dogs, and he said no! He said he used to be afraid of them but isn’t anymore, but that he doesn’t really like dogs or get why people love them! At that I should have just stood up and left because it’s just not going to work out with me and a dog-hater. Ever. 

When he finally finished eating, he said he had to get home to go back to work but that he’d walk me back to my place. That wasn’t necessary but he insisted. So while we had more awkward forced conversation on the walk, I decided to pull a move my friend Jessica taught me. I lied about which building was mine. I walked him to another apartment building near mine and said it was mine. When I realized I wouldn’t be able to get into the building because I didn’t have a key, I *suddenly remembered* that I had a prescription to pick up at the drugstore around the corner. So I ran off to aimlessly wander the store while he called an Uber from outside my fake-apartment building.

He had given me a hug before we left and said we should hang out again and I gave one of those non-committal “sure” responses. But Anton never texted me. I unmatched him on Tinder. I think it’s a testament to how absolutely awful I am at hiding my feelings because that’s not the first time a guy has done that – ended the date with a tentative next date and then upon seeing and hearing my reaction to that possibility, never followed up. It’s kind of nice, though. I don’t have to turn them down and feel bad for rejecting them. 


So that was the end of the story with The Russian. You know, I’ve always thought I was going to marry someone from another country because I like accents and foreign guys and all that, but the more experience I have with them the more I feel like maybe I really should stick with American boys. At least they probably wouldn’t eat fish and onion sandwiches on a first date.

Chapter 35: The Stage-Five-Clinger

It’s been a minute (or lots of minutes), but I’m back at it!

Welcome back to Confessions of a Singleholic, ladies and gentlemen. Today I have a fun little story for you about my favorite type of person. A guy I’ve never even met getting clingy and needy. This story is brought to you by Tinder or Bumble, I can’t even remember. I’ve decided to call the guy I met Austin. 


Austin and I matched shortly before Christmas, and we began talking pretty quickly after we matched. At first, everything seemed to be going pretty well. Honestly, I’ve been trying to be better lately about not making a snap-judgement about which way to swipe. Austin is one of the guys who got a swipe because I took more than 3 seconds to look for any prominent red or green flags (I’m judgey, I know). I decided he deserved a chance. This is to say that he isn’t exactly what I would think of when talking about the type of guy I want to meet. But, I needed material, and because I love y’all so much I’ve found myself swiping right on people specifically because I thought they could give me a good story. 

In any case, Austin and I started talking and then, as it usually happens, he asked for my number. As usual, I gave him my fake one. (Side note, I recently skipped right to giving a guy I matched with my real number – fingers crossed that doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass later). 

This all happened on Christmas, mind you, but it was a chill holiday for us – like I’m sure it was for many of you. So, it wasn’t a big deal for me to exchange numbers and send a text or two throughout the day. But he immediately started with something that I HATE. He’d occasionally say, “Oh, I hope I’m not keeping you from your family on the holiday.” Meanwhile, he’s also bombarding me with questions.

To be fair, I used to do this with guys. I’d say, “Oh, I hope I’m not bothering you,” but you know when I did that? When I was extremely insecure, had little confidence, and placed 90% of my self-worth in how the guy I was interested in at the time was treating me. So this was an automatic orange-ish flag for me. I’ve spent the past year working on that. I’m not about to bring it back into my life (and future relationships) in a different way. 

But, we kept talking and overall, things were okay. He started asking me when we could go out pretty quickly. I get wanting to make plans and not just be pen-pals (and I’m all for that). But at the same time, it was over the holidays. I’d already said I’d be in North Carolina for an indeterminate amount of time. It was not like he needed to put a rush order on scheduling a date with me. However, that’s exactly what he was trying to do. When I’d say that I wasn’t sure when I’d be back, but would let him know, he’d listen for about three and a half hours before trying AGAIN. 

Photo by Plato Terentev on Pexels.com

He also continued up with the, “Hope I’m not intruding on your time,” thing and, honestly, at that point he kind of was. I was trying to enjoy time with my family. Really, I’m just not someone that’s super attached to their phone anyway, so it was a bit annoying. I have notifications turned off for pretty much every single app so that I’m not constantly on my phone. Also, we were doing lots of outdoorsy things – snowtubing, sledding, etc. – and I had my phone in the pocket of snow pants that made me look like a marshmallow and I was not really about to dig it out with my gloves every five minutes. He also knew we were outside, so not necessary to be trying to get my constant attention and then act like he didn’t want it.

Also, through our conversation I wasn’t getting the idea that he’s overly ambitious – which is totally fine! – but not what I’m looking for in a partner. I have a lot of big plans and dreams, so I definitely need someone who supports and understands that. We really didn’t seem to have a lot in common. So my responses were slowly having more and more time in between them. 


The real kicker, though, was after less than a week of talking he suddenly hits me with, “Part of me feels like I may be losing your interest?” 

I’m sorry, huh? I love when people are upfront. I think it’s commendable to ask instead of hinting or being passive aggressive. But at the same time, I’d told him repeatedly that I was with my family. I also hadn’t even met him yet so I didn’t even know if I was truly ‘interested’ in him anyway.

At this, I told him that I’m not someone attached to my phone. It’s more important to me to be ‘in the moment’ than it is to be a great texter. Pretty much the only people I text back right away are my parents. At this, he got overly apologetic. This put me in a weird spot because then I felt guilty. I was basically consoling him for asking a question. But, I don’t feel like I should have to explain myself over something so silly. Especially after only a few days of talking. Been there, done that.

After that, he apologized and told me how embarrassed he was like three times. It would have just been so much more attractive if he’d just been like, “Okay, great, thanks for explaining.” Then moved on. Over the next couple of days of awkward conversation I felt like I had to be a better texter, but it felt very forced.

The funny thing is that this whole time he kept being like, “I’m just really excited to meet you” every time he tried to make plans several days before I was even planning on being back in Boston. Or when he was “so embarrassed” for asking me if I was losing his interest. I find this hilarious, because after we exchanged Happy New Year’s, I never heard from him again. He was so into me, apparently, and then it just took two days of me not answering his texts immediately and he suddenly lost all interest. I wasn’t sure if we’d have stuff in common, but I was willing to give it a try (and not just for material, I promise). So it was just very weird.

In any case, that was the last time I heard from Austin. I guess he isn’t quite a stage-five-clinger, but pretty much any guy that acts needier than I can sometimes be basically gets placed into that category immediately. Then again, he’s a Scorpio. I think you all know how I feel about romantic entanglements with water signs at this point (hint, not very good) so I guess that explains it. 


So The Stage-Five-Clinger was a bust, but at least he got me back in the writing – and dating – game.

See you next week!

Chapter 34: Dating Apps – Ranked and My Profile Rules

You know you’ve used too many dating apps when you can create a ranked list of them.

There are a lot of dating apps out there, and I’ve used a ton of them. From Hinge to Happn, Coffee Meets Bagel to Bumble, there are so many options out there. While I’m just one person and my experiences are probably vastly different from someone else’s, I wanted to share my ranking of the apps that I’ve used. So here are eight dating apps ranked in order (worst to best) for your reading pleasure.


8. Happn

Happn gets the bottom spot for two reasons – one, because it’s where I met The Creepy Catfish, and two, because now that I think about it, the premise of it makes me feel like it was the inspiration behind “You.” Seriously, it’s a “Criminal Minds” episode waiting to happen. If it wasn’t that I was asked to download it out of support for someone I don’t even remember, I probably would have never used it because seriously, it’s creepy. How it still exists I don’t really know but I don’t remember having a good experience with finding anyone except for one person that made me seriously question my safety and consider entering a convent. So, Happn gets put at the bottom of the list. Easily.

7. Coffee Meets Bagel

I only used Coffee Meets Bagel for a little bit, but from what I remember I didn’t have much luck. I know some people have had success, and I’ve heard that of all the dating apps they tend to have the highest number of highly educated users, but that wasn’t my experience. If I’m remembering correctly, I talked to maybe two people during my brief stint of being active on it. To be fair, I was using this in Orlando where (no offense) there are VERY slim-pickings when it comes to straight, available men who are also boyfriend-material so maybe I’d have a different experience if I used it now. I was also kind of confused at the functionality of the app and didn’t feel like I was using it correctly but again that’s kind of a personal perspective. Regardless, I wasn’t a fan.

6. OKCupid / Plenty of Fish

I put OKCupid and Plenty of Fish together only because I genuinely don’t remember which of them I actually used, and in general I get them confused and don’t really know the difference. Dating apps all start to run together after a while. I know I used one of them, and by “used” I mean I created a profile, went to bed, woke up to over 50 messages, got overwhelmed, and closed my account. Listen, I know I’m a catch but there is clearly a bad gender ratio on there if I’m waking up to over 50 messages after less than 12 hours of making a profile. I know people who’ve met their significant other on both of these apps, but I’m too lazy to weed through dozens of messages to find someone who knows the difference between “your” and “you’re.” So it was not my thing.

5. EHarmony

Y’all already know how I feel about EHarmony, and if you don’t, go back and read my review of it here. Yes, it’s supposed to be one of the most trusted and successful paid dating sites, but again, I was not a fan. I hate the way that you “unmatch” someone, I hate how much information they force you to provide in order to get the full benefits that you already paid for, and I was not finding quality men on there considering the price of it. The only reason it’s not lower is because I feel bad shit-talking them as much as I have so I gave them a couple of bonus points to be nice.

4. Clover

Clover is another one of those apps that I think I used for maybe a week total, if that. When I got no matches after a week or so, I deleted it. I’m impatient.  However, I do give them points because I like how many features they offer and that they seem to really be trying to create a quality app that people can use for a variety of reasons. I don’t feel like it’s as well-known as some of the others so it isn’t used as much, but I feel like if they keep up with being innovative and maybe increase their social media presence it could get more popular easily.

3. Hinge

I’ve actually had the most success with getting good matches that led to good dates on Hinge, but because it’s where I met The Stalker and it took them several months to respond to my numerous attempts to report him, they got bumped on the list. They’re still top three because again, I know it’s a good app and lots of people have had really good luck and success stories, but I don’t like that they didn’t seem to care about users’ safety. It’s a shame because I actually like the matching method on there the best, but safety is very important to me, so they got moved to third.

2. Tinder

Call me crazy but I actually like Tinder. Do I expect to meet the love of my life on there? No. But, I have met a handful of guys who’ve at least provided me with a good story for here. I know that Tinder is considered more of the “hookup” app and not relationships, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fun to use from time to time. I feel like Tinder is kind of like that person you know that’s really popular and even though you want to hate them because of their reputation, you just can’t. It’s simple and straight-forward, and even though I’m pretty positive most of the ‘people’ on there are bots or catfishers, I don’t totally hate it.

1. Bumble

I’ve actually only had mediocre success on Bumble, but I like the app as a whole the best. I like that it’s simple and to the point, I like the design, and I like the different filters. I also like that they’ve kind of adopted some of Hinge’s ideas and now instead of having all photos you can answer prompts to add to your profile, too. I really like that girls message first because sometimes I accidentally swipe on someone I didn’t mean to on dating apps and I feel bad ghosting them if they message me first. I also feel like it’s just a bit safer that way. Plus, they provide some ideas for opening lines which I think is pretty cool. Overall, I feel like it has mostly good quality people on there, it’s easy to use, I feel safe, and I haven’t met anyone crazy off of it (yet), so it’s my number one.


Maybe it’s just me, but I personally have a set of “guidelines,” if you will, of what I look for on a guy’s profile. Okay, it’s more like a list of “Don’ts” that, unless they look like Liam Hemsworth, get them an immediate swipe left.


My Rules

  1. No more than one “holding a fish” photo.
  2. No more than one mirror photo – and if he has a mirror photo/gym selfie, his face has to be in it, too.
  3. He’s allowed to have a group photo, but if ALL of the photos are group photos, it’s a no-go. I’m trying to find a match, not play a game of Guess Who?
  4. I allow one grammatical or spelling error, but if he doesn’t know the difference between “your”/”you’re” and “there”/”their”/”they’re,” unfortunately, it’s an automatic nope.
  5. If he doesn’t have anything written in his bio, it makes me wonder if he’s capable of having a conversation. It depends on the rest of the profile is this ends up being a no.
  6. No ridiculous abbreviations. Does it really take so long to write a full sentence? No. Just use full words, please.
  7. A cute cat or dog in a photo can cancel out one (and only one) of the rules above to put them in potential swipe-right territory.

Do you agree with my ranking? Or, do you have any suggestions for dating apps I should try? Christian Mingle, Farmers Only, I’m open to suggestions. Let me know in the comments!

Chapter 33: The Repeat

Take two.

Have you ever matched with someone on an app, and then had them stop talking to you, and then somehow rematched with them later on? That recently happened to me. 

When I saw Naveen’s profile on Bumble a couple of months ago, my first impression was that he was really cute, and seemed very put together! He was also holding a super cute puppy in his main picture and just overall looked like a cool guy from the rest of his profile. 

So, since it was Bumble and I had to start the conversation, I opened up with what I thought was a cute line. I figured that if we hit it off, he could be fun to go out with. I told him that the puppy in his picture was the second cutest thing I’d seen all day, and when he asked what the first was, I said that he was.

And, crickets. 

Naveen did not answer. Side note, I get SO frustrated when that happens regardless of what the opening line was – just in general, like where do these guys go after they swipe right? So many times I’ve matched with a guy, sent him the opening message soon after, and then the match expires because he just doesn’t answer in time – but like, he had to have been on recently for us to have matched? Are they robots? Were they abducted? I don’t know, it’s just annoying.

In any case, Naveen didn’t answer but I figured maybe he was busy so I let it go and went about my day. Well, days. Finally, I figured I needed to clean out my matches that were not going anywhere so I tried one more time with Naveen and still, no answer. So I unmatched him. 


I went off of Bumble for a bit after that because I was getting ready for the LSAT and really focused on studying at that time, and then I had a friend in town, so I just wasn’t as active. But then I decided to go back on just to kill some time and after swiping for a bit, guess who popped up again? Naveen. 

I decided to swipe right on him again just to see what happened, and I was surprised to see that we managed to match again! This time, I tried a different tactic with my opening line and challenged him to show me the last photo in his camera roll on his phone, and he did. I wouldn’t have been surprised if after that he disappeared again like last time, but he didn’t. This time, he was actually very chatty.

As we talked, I realized we had a good amount in common and he seemed very engaged which was quite a shift from last time. We exchanged numbers (well, he did, I gave my fake number) and eventually Instagram usernames (which is basically second base I think) and have been chatting since then. 


Of course, like most guys I’ve experienced on dating apps, he seems keen on trying to get things to go in a sexual direction with our conversations but I quickly change the subject and he goes with it, so I feel like maybe he just thinks that’s what girls are into? I don’t know – it’s definitely like an orange flag and something I’m keeping in mind, but not completely cutting him out. Mainly because I’m running out of stories on here and need to go out on some more dates to get more material. 

But also, he’s offered to cook for me, and he’s currently on a vacation that I’m VERY jealous of but he said he’d take me sometime, so I have to give him some points for that. He also kind of looks like he might actually be royalty or something with how well he dresses and just his overall demeanor from what I’ve seen. Does anyone remember that TLC show, “Secret Prince”? Maybe they brought it back. 

I haven’t told him yet that we already matched, and I’m wondering if he recognizes me from the first time around. So far I don’t think so. I’m waiting for the perfect moment to remind him that we already matched once but I didn’t like his lack of responsiveness. I honestly didn’t even know that you could rematch with somebody, but now I know. 

In any case, I’ve yet to meet Naveen but I’m hoping to do so soon (once he returns from his trip and I know he doesn’t have COVID). But, he seems somewhat promising. Maybe it’s really the second time that’s the charm. 

Chapter 32: One Hit Blunders, Part V – The Joker

Creepy clown makeup not included.

The first guy that I actually went out with after getting back on Tinder and Bumble upon my return to Boston was a guy that I’ve decided to call Clark. 

Clark opened up by asking me something about robbing a bank – I don’t remember exactly what the situation was, but in any case it was a good ice breaker and I thought it was funny and original to start planning a bank robbery (which I’ve never done and will never do), so I went along with it. This is also why I’ve decided to refer to him as “The Joker,” because The Joker from Batman robs banks, plus, this was clearly a joke that we should rob a bank – right?

Clark isn’t really what I usually go for physically, but he was cute and at this time I was just looking to meet new people so I wasn’t being very picky. He was funny, though, and he has a good job and seemed decent so after a bit of back and forth, he asked me out and I said yes. 

We made plans to get drinks at a bar near Quincy Market on a Sunday night, and then about 45 minutes before we were meant to meet he told me he would be running a little bit late. He was having some car issues but he’d let me know when he was leaving. So, at this point I figured it was something fixable but he’d just be late, so I kept getting ready. 

When it was getting closer to our meeting time, though, I texted him again (got to love that Google Voice number) and told him to let me know when he was leaving so I knew when to leave my place. At this time I was completely ready – hair, makeup, all that – since he had never made it sound like the date wouldn’t be happening. Then, a few minutes later after we were scheduled to be meeting, he texted me that he was very sorry but he had to cancel because to fix his car he needed to go get a piece from his mom’s house, and he wanted to get it fixed before he went away at the end of the week.

Honestly I was probably more understanding than I should have been, but he said he was sorry and offered to make it up to me another night that week, but I did think it was a little weird that he didn’t at least offer to get an Uber or something, and that he HAD to fix it at that very moment when he knew I was ready to go. But, because I’m nice I gave him a second chance and we decided to go out to the same bar later that week. 


On the night of our date (for real), I ended up getting there before him, but not having to wait too long. When he showed up he was a bit shorter than I expected, but cute. It was weird because of COVID times we couldn’t hug or anything, so we just kind of walked in and found a table. I got a hard cider, and he got a vodka soda. 

We ended up also ordering an appetizer to split, just some buffalo wings, which were pretty good, and the date itself was decent. Nothing to write home about – I definitely wasn’t feeling a major spark or romantic chemistry or anything –  but he was funny and I was having a good time just being out of my apartment. 

After a bit, though, I could tell that I was ready to go home because it was way past my bedtime and I knew that this wasn’t really going to go anywhere, but it just felt very weird trying to find a way to nicely tell him I was ready to wrap this up and go home. 

Photo by Akshay Anand on Pexels.com

Finally I found a way to get that message across, and this is where the biggest problem with Clark came to be. As I’m sure y’all know by now, I’m old-fashioned and expect to be paid for on a first date. So when the bill came and I did my customary offer of splitting and he said, “Yes,” I was not pleased. But not just because I’m traditional. Because he also said, “Let’s do 50/50,” despite the fact that my hard cider was nearly $4 cheaper than his vodka soda, and he’d had two of them. And the wings we ‘split’? I ate maybe two or three, while he ate more like six or seven. 

And on top of that, he was telling me how his company and industry have been “thriving” during all of this while then listening to me talk about being unemployed and trying to survive off of unemployment. I’m a big believer that if you can’t afford to eat out you shouldn’t eat out, which is why I ordered a cheaper drink so that if he did say we should split it I wasn’t paying for overpriced liquor. He was the one who suggested the appetizer, too, and he ate so much more of it. Plus, the fact that he was basically gloating about now having to experience the stress that millions of people have had to experience lately… it was a major turnoff that essentially, he was letting me pay for him since his drinks were more expensive. 

Also let me just remind you that he basically stood me up just a few nights before, and promised to “make it up to me.” So his idea of making it up to me was letting me pay for part of his vodka and wings on a first date? I just think that’s tacky. 


However, he did offer to walk me home so I was almost willing to give him just ONE more pass. That is, until we started to get close to my place. When I told him I was right across the street so we could part there, and I could clearly see the look on his face that showed he was very much expecting me to invite him up. Even though I really don’t think any of our conversations had been very flirty, and he didn’t even attempt to woo me, so this felt very weird to me. I was very unimpressed with this and even though I lied and said we could hang out again, I knew we would not be. 

When I got back to my apartment, I brushed my teeth and got into bed. A bit later he messaged me that, “I’m cute and we should hang out again soon.” Yes, I am cute, but I just said thanks and good night. And, luckily, I never heard from Clark again.

Chapter 30: Catfished, Part I – The Area Manager and The Size King

Where’s Nev when you need him?

The time has come for a new series, one that I’ll be calling “Catfished,” that is dedicated to all of the men who are not who they say they are – in some way or another – and that don’t fit into One Hit Blunders because I never even went on a date with them.

These are men who have ghosted me or just avoided actually meeting me, so even if they are who they say they are, I have to assume that they’re lying and that they catfished me which is why we never actually met or why they disappeared. 

By the way, before I go on, I’ve come to the conclusion that The Boyfriend was a major catfish.  To be fair, I’ve known that for a while but was still willing to meet and call him out in person (publicly)… but we never even got there. I thought we were finally getting somewhere in terms of actually meeting, and then he got weird on me again! I kept trying to video call him and he wouldn’t answer, and one time I asked for him to send me a photo of his face and he kept making up excuses. Finally, I told him that he was like Santa Claus and he asked me why and I said because I’ve never seen him so I have to just tell myself to believe that he’s real. He just laughed and that was the last time we spoke.

Anywho, in this chapter you get to meet two catfishing fellows – The Area Manager and The Size King. Again, one is set in Florida, and the other in Boston so you get a two-state experience again. Ready? Let’s go.


Back when my parents were helping me swipe on Bumble, I ended up matching with a guy I’ll call Max. He was very cute and had beautiful blueish green eyes, a nice smile, and was tall. He also didn’t look American and as you know I’m very into that, so we got to talking right away. 

Max is an area manager for Amazon, and he actually lives in Miami, but his family lives in the Sarasota area and he’s actually been actively looking to move to Bradenton and transfer his role to there, which is why he was looking in that area, too. 

We seemed to hit it off immediately. He even called me pretty early on just to say hi, which as you know I’m a sucker for a guy who likes phone calls, and I liked his voice. I found out that his name isn’t actually Max, his family is Ukrainian but he chose the name Max because he thought it was a good, strong name, and nobody could ever pronounce his Ukrainian name so he changed it. Ironically, it’s the same first name as The Semi-Date, so I actually did know how to pronounce it, but he told me just to call him Max.

We flirted, we talked, and he seemed like a decent guy! He very much had his shit together from what I could tell, he was funny, invested in our conversations, and kept begging me to not move back to Boston because he thought I was so “perfect” he would be devastated if I went back to Boston before we met. I told him that I’d make sure we met before then.

After a couple weeks of talking, he told me he’d be in town for the weekend and asked me if I wanted to go to the beach with him. Beaches were open by then, so I figured since it was outdoors that was probably safer, and it could be fun. I agreed, thinking that would be a fun first date, and I even bought a new bathing suit for it. 

When the day came, I told him to let me know when he woke up and to let me know what time he wanted to meet. And I never heard from him. All. Day. Long. I had already cleared my very busy schedule of baking, job hunting, and hanging out with my 3-year old niece for the day so I was kind of annoyed, but after a bit of waiting I just decided to call it a loss and move on with my day.

Finally, later that day he told me that his family had surprised him with a last-minute trip to Marco Island for his birthday. I thought that was sweet, so I went with it, and he apologized for leaving me hanging and promised to make it up to me the next time he was in town.

I think I had something going on the following weekend, so we didn’t make plans then, but we kept talking. This whole time, anytime he was in town but too busy for the beach or anything, he’d ask me if I wanted to meet somewhere and just make out in his car for a bit. Uh, no. 

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The next weekend, Max was in town again so we made tentative plans to finally meet up and go to the beach. Again, I told him to tell me what time he wanted to meet up and he said he’d call me after the gym. He didn’t. 

At this point, I was kind of worried that he might be dead or something, so I decided to Google him and make sure that he was who he said he was. At first, when I was just searching for his Snapchat name (I find that a lot of people use the same username for a LOT of different accounts) I was finding some weird Ukrainian or Russian forums, I don’t even know, I think some of it was very weird porn? I clicked out really fast. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was him, though, considering he did tell me that his biggest fetish is peeing on a girl. Don’t ask me how I meet these people because I don’t know either.

The thing is that his last name is really weird and even though one time I’d asked him to spell it out for me on the phone, I think I must’ve written it down incorrectly because I was still struggling to find him. Finally, I had a breakthrough and I found him. That is, I found his mugshot from when he was arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct.

So after that, I figured I’d cut my losses and delete him. I blocked him on Snapchat and carried on with my life but then, a bit later, I randomly get a WhatsApp message from him showing me the houses he’s looking at in Bradenton and saying that he wanted me to help decorate (I do love decorating) and I called him out on ditching me twice at that point and told him that I’d blocked him on Snapchat because of it, which he thought was funny.

Really though, Max just seemed sad that he never got to see me in my new bathing suit, which I mean I don’t blame him – I looked great in it – but also that’s not really what I’m looking for at this point and I still wasn’t into his car makeouts idea, so I just finished the conversation, it fizzled out, and I ended up back in Boston not too long after – still having no idea what he really liked look outside of the photos he’d sent me. Which leads me to my next story.


Being back in Boston, but still having most of the city under strict guidelines due to you-know-what, I decided to get back on Bumble and Tinder just to keep myself entertained. Since I wasn’t having any luck on EHarmony, (side note, they finally let me delete my account after I reported the guy who went and stalked me on LinkedIn – and now on Instagram AND Facebook, too – and gave me a partial refund), but I wanted to feel kind of social at least, so I figured trying them again couldn’t hurt. 

There was one profile of a guy, Don, who was very tall, in good shape, was wearing a suit, and seemed like he had a good sense of humor, so I swiped right. The only thing on his profile that gave me pause was where he asked, “Where my size queens at?” I’ve never heard that phrase, but I figured it had something to do with him liking girls who are “thicc” since that’s a thing, and I mean I’m considered “slim thicc” from what the young and hip kids have told me, so I figured that would suffice.

Don and I matched and got to chatting. After a bit of back and forth, he asked me if I’d read his profile. I said yes, and he said, “So you’re into that?” 

I had no clue what he was talking about, so I asked him to clarify. He asked me if I was a size queen. I told him I had no idea what that meant, but I thought it was about being thicc. He said no, that’s not what it means. 

Now, I was terrified at what I’d potentially gotten myself into so before he even said anything else I searched Urban Dictionary and found out that, according to them, a size queen is, “A person who will only accept larger than average penises in sexual partners.” About the same time that I read this, Don responded to me himself that that is what a size queen is. 

Well, now I was too deep into this conversation to back out, and very curious, so I asked him if that was the case with him and he said yes. He asked if I was into that, and I admitted that I wouldn’t know from experience, but I’m always up to try new things. 

Obviously, I was super curious as to how big he was but I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable so I didn’t ask. But then, he offered to show me. I told him only if he was comfortable, because I was intrigued, but didn’t want him to do anything he didn’t want to. He said he was happy to show me, so I gave him my Google voice number because he didn’t have Snapchat.

After our introductions over text, he asked me if I liked Trulys, and I said yes, and then he sent the picture. It was of his dick, obviously, held next to a can of Truly hard seltzer – I’m not even kidding. And while the first thing I noticed was that he’s not circumcised, I did realize after that that, yeah, it was very big. 

Once he was assured that he hadn’t totally scared me off (hey, I’m human) he offered to send more and I didn’t really answer because really one is enough, but he did want to see my tattoos so I sent him a photo (clothed) where he could see my tattoos. He did ask me for nudes at one point, but I told him I don’t do that with people I don’t know and that for now clothed was the only way he was getting photos of me, and he said that was fine.

Then Don just started sending me more dick pics. First was just it poking out of his pants, and from that angle I was kind of scared honestly, and then the next one – I kid you not – was him holding it next to a can of Rustoleum. They were the same size. I will never be able to look at Rustoleum the same ever again. But also, do you think he just walks around his house finding things to compare his dick to, or does he have a few go-tos that he just always has on hand? 

We flirted a lot, and besides the size thing he actually seemed funny and nice and smart, so I felt comfortable enough to consider planning a date with him. But when I asked him when we were going to meet and act on our flirtation and everything, he said that was a good question and asked when I was free. I told him, and he didn’t respond. 

After a few hours, I sent the upside down smiling face emoji because that’s kind of my thing when I’m trying to tell a guy, “Hey, you’re ignoring me but instead of calling you out on it I’m just going to send you an emoji.” Still nothing. The next morning, I realized that he had unmatched me on Tinder. 

When this happens, I assume one of three things – 1), they got back together with their ex or met someone else and are no longer looking, 2), they’re intimidated by my assertiveness/aggressive nature and don’t want to talk anymore, or 3), they’re a catfish and now that they got what they wanted from the conversation, he’s ready to move on. With Don, I’m betting option three.


Stay tuned because I’m sure I’ll have more Catfished stories soon, and next week, we’re back to our regularly scheduled program of guys I’ve been out with recently! You’ll be meeting my latest One-But Blunder, The Joker. Have a great week!

Chapter 23: One Hit Blunders, Part IV – The Cheapskate and The Funcle

Welcome back to another week of One Hit Blunders! Today, you get to meet two men – one from Boston, The Cheapskate, and one from Florida, The Funcle. Let’s go. 


The last date I went on in Boston before the world shut down was with Charles, I guy that I accidentally matched with when I went back on Hinge for all of about 36 hours way back in February (man, that feels like years ago) and ended up going out with.

Charles is an accountant for something important, I honestly cannot remember, but I do remember that I definitely did not mean to match with him because he didn’t seem like what I was looking for, nor did he really match the physical attributes I usually go for. But, I matched with him nonetheless and I’m too nice to be like, “Whoops sorry meant to swipe left!” so we started talking.

To be totally fair, I wasn’t really interested in ANY of the guys I was matching with because I was already 100% positive that I was already in love with someone else that I’d met just before this, The Rollercoaster. He’s coming up next week, but he lives on the West Coast so to be realistic and not obsess over him too much, I was still exploring other options in Boston just to protect myself. Fair warning before next week’s post, get yourself LOTS of wine. I will absolutely be drinking a very big glass of it while I write next week’s post to get me through it, and I can only imagine how long next week’s post will be — but, I don’t want to give TOO much away. For right now, all you need to know is that I was in love with him and didn’t really want to be going out with The Cheapskate, but my friends convinced me to go out just for kicks and giggles and I figured it couldn’t hurt. Anyway, let’s get back to the story.

So, Charles and I talked for a bit, and he asked for my number. Considering I didn’t even want to match with him, I pulled my classic trick of giving him my Google Voice number, which turned out to be an excellent decision. 

He asked me out to lunch, and since he lives and works near Beacon Hill, which isn’t too far from me, I told him to pick a spot he could get to easily after his morning at work wrapped up. He picked a restaurant that turned out to have some very interesting food, but I went with it. 

The day we met up, I immediately knew I was in for a future dating blog story. He was wearing a very strange trench coat despite the fact that it wasn’t even really that cold at the time, and he seemed very concerned about not letting it touch the floor even for a second. We sat down at the bar, which was at least a kind of good distraction from the fact that he was shorter than I thought (seriously, guys, AGAIN?) and he ordered a beer and asked me what I wanted, and I said I’d get a hard cider since I don’t drink beer.

Apparently, this was offensive to him and I “should have told him before” that I don’t drink beer, which I just rolled my eyes to because it isn’t a big deal to me. The bartender overheard me say this and offered to give me a sample of a beer he thought I’d like, I thanked him and said that would be great, thanks. He went and got me a little glass for the sample and sets it in front of me, and Charles took it and had the first sip, even though it was for me! It was so weird.

The food was awful but the only thing worse was the conversation. Half of me felt like I was in a job interview while the other half of me felt like I was some B-list celebrity being asked weird questions on the red carpet hoping I’d say something scandalous so that the reporter who asked it could feel special. It was weird, he talked an awful lot about himself, and anything that was asked about me immediately got brought back to him. No, thank you.

Even better, I remember that he only ordered an appetizer – that he had to ask the server 50 questions about before he’d agree to order it – and made some really judge-y comments when I ordered a burger and fries. I know I’m not a Victoria’s Secret model, and guess what, I don’t want to be – I love my body. So to any guy who thinks it’s okay to comment on what a girl orders and eats, and actually DOES comment on what she eats, I say this to you from the very bottom of my heart – I hope you remain single forever. No girl deserves to deal with an insecure jerk like that.

But the real kicker was when the bill came. As you know, I always offer to pay my half but never expect to actually do so. Now, keep in mind what I said before – Charles is an accountant for a big company, and he lives on Beacon Hill (which if you don’t know, is one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Boston) in a place where he can park his luxury car easily. So, he is not hurting in the money department. Meanwhile, I’d been telling him about my woes of being unemployed until I started a new job at the end of the month. He didn’t let me pay, but he did tell me I could cover the tip (which was still a considerable amount), and left me with a, “You can pay the next time.” How about no, because there definitely will not be a next time?

I had told him while we were eating that I wanted to go shopping on Beacon Hill at some point soon, and he offered to walk me since he was heading home, but I fibbed and told him that I couldn’t go that day. Instead, I went back towards my place a couple of blocks until I figured he couldn’t see me, hid in a shop for a bit, and then came back out and went shopping.

Later that day, he messaged me about getting together and I pulled my go-to line, trying to be nice but firm. His response was literally just, “Oh come on, I know you’re into me.” I was none too pleased at his attitude so I pretty much just said, “Actually, I’m not. I didn’t enjoy our date at all. Bye.” He tried to respond to that, but I didn’t answer. I blocked him. Just another story for the book… well, blog.


When coronavirus started to get bad, my mom told me she did not want me to be up here in Boston by myself, so she told me to come home to Florida, which I gladly did.

After awhile, my family all made the collective decision that I needed to go on Bumble or something while I was there, if nothing else, to make new friends and just get me out of the house since for most of the five months I was there the two people I hung out with the most were my mom and my three year old niece. So, I went back on Bumble. 

My sister in law had a grand time living vicariously through me, since dating apps didn’t really become a thing until after she met my brother, so she did some swiping for me which led to my parents – mostly my dad – feeling left out. My dad wanted to know how Bumble worked and I said we could mirror my phone to the TV in the living room and he could help me. We were kind of joking, but actually, that’s exactly what we did.

A few nights of quarantine, my parents and I gathered in the living room and I’d set my phone up to display on the TV, and remind them of my rules:

  1. No more than one fish photo.
  2. No more than one mirror selfie.
  3. I don’t play Guess Who – if all of the photos are group shots, it’s a no.
  4. No kids (too complicated). 
  5. Proper use of their/they’re/there and your/you’re. 
  6. Actually has at least something interesting in their bio, and/or at least a question or two answered. 

Really, these are not too crazy of guidelines – yet it was very difficult to find decent matches.

But, I did match with Eddie, who we all liked because he called himself a “funcle” and had some cute pictures with his nieces and nephews. As someone who is also obsessed with their nieces, I figured we’d get along. 

We talked a bit, and then he asked me out and I figured I was being smart about being around people, and I was okay with doing a semi-socially distanced date so long as we were outdoors. We met at a tiki bar, and he got there a few minutes before me which allowed him time to order a drink without me – I don’t know, is that weird that it kind of bothered me? 

He seemed nice enough, but guess what, I had ANOTHER height liar! Maybe I’m just really bad at estimating people’s heights, but he definitely seemed shorter than he said, or he had really bad posture. He also did not look a ton like his photo in general, but I let it slide and decided to try to have fun regardless.

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I did not have fun. Again, the conversation was lagging, with way too many awkward silences for me to count and a lot of me just staring at my drink hoping that it would magically give me inspiration on literally ANYTHING to talk about that would result in a conversation longer than two minutes long. It failed. I had also told him beforehand not to take it personally if I didn’t hug or anything, I was trying to be safe with corona, and to please respect that but he still hugged me like three times over the course of the night, and it was that awkward thing where I kind of just stood there with my arms at that weird “caught by surprise” angle not knowing what to do. Overall, it was just not a good night and I finally told him I had to be home soon (my brother did give me a curfew, after all) and left.

And I never heard from him again. Another little thing I like is when a guy at least makes sure that I get home safely after a date, but he didn’t even do that. I just never heard from him, which was fine with me. I unmatched with Eddie, and called it another loss but also a gain because at least I got a free drink out of it. Honestly though, I hope that he’s more fun with his nieces and nephews than he was with me. 


And that brings us to the end of another One Hit Blunders! Don’t forget the wine for next week – see you soon!

Chapter 19: The Snapper

We all know what a catfish is, but I’ve had more experience with what I like to call “snappers,” just like Blake. To be fair to his legacy, I initially started calling him “The Superhero” because he was telling me a story about how when he was abroad, he fell down a flight of stairs and somehow didn’t break a single bone and it reminded me of that movie “Unbreakable” with Bruce Willis, but now, his name has been changed. Anyway – on to the story. 


I matched with Blake on Bumble in the fall of 2019, and even though he’s a bit younger than what I usually go for, I decided to give him a try. We started talking and immediately hit it off. He was very cute, funny and sarcastic, and seemed like a decent guy. He lived a bit outside of Boston, but not too far that it would be a problem. 

So we started talking, friendly at first before quickly moving into flirtier territory. From our conversations, we seemed very compatible in just about every respect, if you catch my drift, and I was excited to hopefully meet him soon. 

But that was the thing, he was weird about meeting up. He’d keep saying he wanted to come into the city to see me, and take me on a really memorable first date, but he’d never follow through. Our conversations (some via text, but mostly via Snapchat) would be super engaging and long and exciting, but then he’d never actually do anything about scheduling a date. Yes, I know this was a red flag, but I was into the attention and didn’t expect to marry him, so I let it slide and kept the flirting going. 

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He would also tell me that he wanted to take me to a cabin in the mountains somewhere and teach me how to ski (I do know how to ski, but I’m awful), but then he’d go into graphic detail about the other things he wanted to do there. Half of me was like, “This sounds like the beginning of a murder movie,” but the other half of me was like, “Well he seems very, um, creative, I’m into it, alright let’s go.” 

I did like him for more than that, though, and thought it was pretty funny when we were texting on Thanksgiving and realized that we were both making the exact same side dish and even used the same online recipe for it. So there was definitely a part of me that felt like maybe, if we ever met, there could kind of be something a bit more serious there.  

But eventually, I got tired of the waiting. I do know I deserve better, and it was frustrating waiting for someone to commit to one time hanging out. Especially because most of our conversations were on Snapchat, he seemed to forget that he had Snapmap on and, as many of you probably know, I’m a bit of a  creeper so I DEFINITELY used that to my advantage a few times. There, I could see that he had actually come into the city a few times but he had never told me or tried to make plans to see me while he was there. Finally, I texted him one night before falling asleep and basically said, “So are we going to (beep) or no?” Actually, that’s not what I basically said, that’s exactly what I said. No response. 

I was venting about this to a guy friend of mine (who will be introduced in a later chapter) and he decided to take matters into his own hands, and convinced me to give him Blake’s number, which I did. I thought he’d just do something silly, but instead he said something like, “I’m trying to get with this girl Madeline but I want to know if she’s good in bed, she said you’d know.” I still have no idea why that was his tactic, and what he was hoping to accomplish with that, but that’s what he went with. 

I didn’t know that’s what my friend had messaged him until later, and once I saw, I can’t say I was surprised when I went onto Snapchat the next morning and saw that Blake had removed me as a friend. I was upset, more that he couldn’t just use his words, but tried not to let it get to me, and decided to speak up for myself since I usually wouldn’t, so I ended up texting him one last time saying, “Funny, it’s around Christmas, not Halloween, yet I’m still having to deal with a ghost. You could have just told me if you weren’t interested in me instead of leading me on for months, and it’s really immature to just ghost someone. Happy Holidays.” Or something like that.

Of course, I didn’t hear back from him (not that I was expecting to), but it did feel good to say something about how rude it is to just ghost people. I’ll be 100% honest and say I did cry about it a bit, not because I was heartbroken or anything, just because I was frustrated that I had to deal with an immature guy AGAIN. As I’m sure many girls can understand, it’s pretty annoying to get your hopes up and feel like you click with someone, but then have them just disappear with no real explanation (other than, you know, your friend saying weird shit to them out of nowhere).


So you might be wondering why I call him “The Snapper.” Well, a catfish is someone that basically uses someone else’s identity, and doesn’t really exist, but I knew Blake existed. Remember I said I used Snapmap to my advantage? Yeah, well I went full on stalker mode once when I was particularly pissed at playing the waiting game and looked up the address it seemed he was at the most to make sure it was registered to him (well, his parents, actually, because he still lives at home…) and that he actually existed. I also saw his face (and more – sorry, mom) on Snapchat quite a few times, so between personal photos and his story, I knew he looked like what he told me he did, and that he was in fact an actual person. I found his Facebook and Instagram, too, so again, I knew he was who he said he was. (This would probably be a good time for me to just put out a quick PSA to anyone who is my friend, or wants to be my friend/boyfriend in the future that you literally cannot hide ANYTHING from me because I’m basically an unpaid PI and I WILL find shit out no matter how hard you try to hide it. Everyone has their weird skills, Internet creeping is mine). 

Anywho, so I think Blake is a Snapper because, thanks to Snapchat (get it?), I know he is an actual person and who I thought he was, and he was really into using Snapchat as our primary source of conversation despite the fact that I’m pretty sure that’s a Gen Z thing now. But also, I call him a Snapper because it’s easy to get a guy who just wants to talk the talk and tell you all the things he’s going to do, but it’s hard to get a guy to actually do it. Kind of like how it’s easy to catch a snapper, but it’s hard to catch one that’s actually worth it (I confirmed this with my brother who knows much more about fish than I do, and no, that wasn’t even the weirdest question I’ve ever asked him).

So, Blake was yet another fail. Thank you, next, right? I went to a spa/yoga resort in Austin for New Year’s, got over him, and came back ready for more dating adventures. And boy, did I get them. 

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