Chapter 32: One Hit Blunders, Part V – The Joker

Creepy clown makeup not included.

The first guy that I actually went out with after getting back on Tinder and Bumble upon my return to Boston was a guy that I’ve decided to call Clark. 

Clark opened up by asking me something about robbing a bank – I don’t remember exactly what the situation was, but in any case it was a good ice breaker and I thought it was funny and original to start planning a bank robbery (which I’ve never done and will never do), so I went along with it. This is also why I’ve decided to refer to him as “The Joker,” because The Joker from Batman robs banks, plus, this was clearly a joke that we should rob a bank – right?

Clark isn’t really what I usually go for physically, but he was cute and at this time I was just looking to meet new people so I wasn’t being very picky. He was funny, though, and he has a good job and seemed decent so after a bit of back and forth, he asked me out and I said yes. 

We made plans to get drinks at a bar near Quincy Market on a Sunday night, and then about 45 minutes before we were meant to meet he told me he would be running a little bit late. He was having some car issues but he’d let me know when he was leaving. So, at this point I figured it was something fixable but he’d just be late, so I kept getting ready. 

When it was getting closer to our meeting time, though, I texted him again (got to love that Google Voice number) and told him to let me know when he was leaving so I knew when to leave my place. At this time I was completely ready – hair, makeup, all that – since he had never made it sound like the date wouldn’t be happening. Then, a few minutes later after we were scheduled to be meeting, he texted me that he was very sorry but he had to cancel because to fix his car he needed to go get a piece from his mom’s house, and he wanted to get it fixed before he went away at the end of the week.

Honestly I was probably more understanding than I should have been, but he said he was sorry and offered to make it up to me another night that week, but I did think it was a little weird that he didn’t at least offer to get an Uber or something, and that he HAD to fix it at that very moment when he knew I was ready to go. But, because I’m nice I gave him a second chance and we decided to go out to the same bar later that week. 


On the night of our date (for real), I ended up getting there before him, but not having to wait too long. When he showed up he was a bit shorter than I expected, but cute. It was weird because of COVID times we couldn’t hug or anything, so we just kind of walked in and found a table. I got a hard cider, and he got a vodka soda. 

We ended up also ordering an appetizer to split, just some buffalo wings, which were pretty good, and the date itself was decent. Nothing to write home about – I definitely wasn’t feeling a major spark or romantic chemistry or anything –  but he was funny and I was having a good time just being out of my apartment. 

After a bit, though, I could tell that I was ready to go home because it was way past my bedtime and I knew that this wasn’t really going to go anywhere, but it just felt very weird trying to find a way to nicely tell him I was ready to wrap this up and go home. 

Photo by Akshay Anand on Pexels.com

Finally I found a way to get that message across, and this is where the biggest problem with Clark came to be. As I’m sure y’all know by now, I’m old-fashioned and expect to be paid for on a first date. So when the bill came and I did my customary offer of splitting and he said, “Yes,” I was not pleased. But not just because I’m traditional. Because he also said, “Let’s do 50/50,” despite the fact that my hard cider was nearly $4 cheaper than his vodka soda, and he’d had two of them. And the wings we ‘split’? I ate maybe two or three, while he ate more like six or seven. 

And on top of that, he was telling me how his company and industry have been “thriving” during all of this while then listening to me talk about being unemployed and trying to survive off of unemployment. I’m a big believer that if you can’t afford to eat out you shouldn’t eat out, which is why I ordered a cheaper drink so that if he did say we should split it I wasn’t paying for overpriced liquor. He was the one who suggested the appetizer, too, and he ate so much more of it. Plus, the fact that he was basically gloating about now having to experience the stress that millions of people have had to experience lately… it was a major turnoff that essentially, he was letting me pay for him since his drinks were more expensive. 

Also let me just remind you that he basically stood me up just a few nights before, and promised to “make it up to me.” So his idea of making it up to me was letting me pay for part of his vodka and wings on a first date? I just think that’s tacky. 


However, he did offer to walk me home so I was almost willing to give him just ONE more pass. That is, until we started to get close to my place. When I told him I was right across the street so we could part there, and I could clearly see the look on his face that showed he was very much expecting me to invite him up. Even though I really don’t think any of our conversations had been very flirty, and he didn’t even attempt to woo me, so this felt very weird to me. I was very unimpressed with this and even though I lied and said we could hang out again, I knew we would not be. 

When I got back to my apartment, I brushed my teeth and got into bed. A bit later he messaged me that, “I’m cute and we should hang out again soon.” Yes, I am cute, but I just said thanks and good night. And, luckily, I never heard from Clark again.

Chapter 30: Catfished, Part I – The Area Manager and The Size King

Where’s Nev when you need him?

The time has come for a new series, one that I’ll be calling “Catfished,” that is dedicated to all of the men who are not who they say they are – in some way or another – and that don’t fit into One Hit Blunders because I never even went on a date with them.

These are men who have ghosted me or just avoided actually meeting me, so even if they are who they say they are, I have to assume that they’re lying and that they catfished me which is why we never actually met or why they disappeared. 

By the way, before I go on, I’ve come to the conclusion that The Boyfriend was a major catfish.  To be fair, I’ve known that for a while but was still willing to meet and call him out in person (publicly)… but we never even got there. I thought we were finally getting somewhere in terms of actually meeting, and then he got weird on me again! I kept trying to video call him and he wouldn’t answer, and one time I asked for him to send me a photo of his face and he kept making up excuses. Finally, I told him that he was like Santa Claus and he asked me why and I said because I’ve never seen him so I have to just tell myself to believe that he’s real. He just laughed and that was the last time we spoke.

Anywho, in this chapter you get to meet two catfishing fellows – The Area Manager and The Size King. Again, one is set in Florida, and the other in Boston so you get a two-state experience again. Ready? Let’s go.


Back when my parents were helping me swipe on Bumble, I ended up matching with a guy I’ll call Max. He was very cute and had beautiful blueish green eyes, a nice smile, and was tall. He also didn’t look American and as you know I’m very into that, so we got to talking right away. 

Max is an area manager for Amazon, and he actually lives in Miami, but his family lives in the Sarasota area and he’s actually been actively looking to move to Bradenton and transfer his role to there, which is why he was looking in that area, too. 

We seemed to hit it off immediately. He even called me pretty early on just to say hi, which as you know I’m a sucker for a guy who likes phone calls, and I liked his voice. I found out that his name isn’t actually Max, his family is Ukrainian but he chose the name Max because he thought it was a good, strong name, and nobody could ever pronounce his Ukrainian name so he changed it. Ironically, it’s the same first name as The Semi-Date, so I actually did know how to pronounce it, but he told me just to call him Max.

We flirted, we talked, and he seemed like a decent guy! He very much had his shit together from what I could tell, he was funny, invested in our conversations, and kept begging me to not move back to Boston because he thought I was so “perfect” he would be devastated if I went back to Boston before we met. I told him that I’d make sure we met before then.

After a couple weeks of talking, he told me he’d be in town for the weekend and asked me if I wanted to go to the beach with him. Beaches were open by then, so I figured since it was outdoors that was probably safer, and it could be fun. I agreed, thinking that would be a fun first date, and I even bought a new bathing suit for it. 

When the day came, I told him to let me know when he woke up and to let me know what time he wanted to meet. And I never heard from him. All. Day. Long. I had already cleared my very busy schedule of baking, job hunting, and hanging out with my 3-year old niece for the day so I was kind of annoyed, but after a bit of waiting I just decided to call it a loss and move on with my day.

Finally, later that day he told me that his family had surprised him with a last-minute trip to Marco Island for his birthday. I thought that was sweet, so I went with it, and he apologized for leaving me hanging and promised to make it up to me the next time he was in town.

I think I had something going on the following weekend, so we didn’t make plans then, but we kept talking. This whole time, anytime he was in town but too busy for the beach or anything, he’d ask me if I wanted to meet somewhere and just make out in his car for a bit. Uh, no. 

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The next weekend, Max was in town again so we made tentative plans to finally meet up and go to the beach. Again, I told him to tell me what time he wanted to meet up and he said he’d call me after the gym. He didn’t. 

At this point, I was kind of worried that he might be dead or something, so I decided to Google him and make sure that he was who he said he was. At first, when I was just searching for his Snapchat name (I find that a lot of people use the same username for a LOT of different accounts) I was finding some weird Ukrainian or Russian forums, I don’t even know, I think some of it was very weird porn? I clicked out really fast. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was him, though, considering he did tell me that his biggest fetish is peeing on a girl. Don’t ask me how I meet these people because I don’t know either.

The thing is that his last name is really weird and even though one time I’d asked him to spell it out for me on the phone, I think I must’ve written it down incorrectly because I was still struggling to find him. Finally, I had a breakthrough and I found him. That is, I found his mugshot from when he was arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct.

So after that, I figured I’d cut my losses and delete him. I blocked him on Snapchat and carried on with my life but then, a bit later, I randomly get a WhatsApp message from him showing me the houses he’s looking at in Bradenton and saying that he wanted me to help decorate (I do love decorating) and I called him out on ditching me twice at that point and told him that I’d blocked him on Snapchat because of it, which he thought was funny.

Really though, Max just seemed sad that he never got to see me in my new bathing suit, which I mean I don’t blame him – I looked great in it – but also that’s not really what I’m looking for at this point and I still wasn’t into his car makeouts idea, so I just finished the conversation, it fizzled out, and I ended up back in Boston not too long after – still having no idea what he really liked look outside of the photos he’d sent me. Which leads me to my next story.


Being back in Boston, but still having most of the city under strict guidelines due to you-know-what, I decided to get back on Bumble and Tinder just to keep myself entertained. Since I wasn’t having any luck on EHarmony, (side note, they finally let me delete my account after I reported the guy who went and stalked me on LinkedIn – and now on Instagram AND Facebook, too – and gave me a partial refund), but I wanted to feel kind of social at least, so I figured trying them again couldn’t hurt. 

There was one profile of a guy, Don, who was very tall, in good shape, was wearing a suit, and seemed like he had a good sense of humor, so I swiped right. The only thing on his profile that gave me pause was where he asked, “Where my size queens at?” I’ve never heard that phrase, but I figured it had something to do with him liking girls who are “thicc” since that’s a thing, and I mean I’m considered “slim thicc” from what the young and hip kids have told me, so I figured that would suffice.

Don and I matched and got to chatting. After a bit of back and forth, he asked me if I’d read his profile. I said yes, and he said, “So you’re into that?” 

I had no clue what he was talking about, so I asked him to clarify. He asked me if I was a size queen. I told him I had no idea what that meant, but I thought it was about being thicc. He said no, that’s not what it means. 

Now, I was terrified at what I’d potentially gotten myself into so before he even said anything else I searched Urban Dictionary and found out that, according to them, a size queen is, “A person who will only accept larger than average penises in sexual partners.” About the same time that I read this, Don responded to me himself that that is what a size queen is. 

Well, now I was too deep into this conversation to back out, and very curious, so I asked him if that was the case with him and he said yes. He asked if I was into that, and I admitted that I wouldn’t know from experience, but I’m always up to try new things. 

Obviously, I was super curious as to how big he was but I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable so I didn’t ask. But then, he offered to show me. I told him only if he was comfortable, because I was intrigued, but didn’t want him to do anything he didn’t want to. He said he was happy to show me, so I gave him my Google voice number because he didn’t have Snapchat.

After our introductions over text, he asked me if I liked Trulys, and I said yes, and then he sent the picture. It was of his dick, obviously, held next to a can of Truly hard seltzer – I’m not even kidding. And while the first thing I noticed was that he’s not circumcised, I did realize after that that, yeah, it was very big. 

Once he was assured that he hadn’t totally scared me off (hey, I’m human) he offered to send more and I didn’t really answer because really one is enough, but he did want to see my tattoos so I sent him a photo (clothed) where he could see my tattoos. He did ask me for nudes at one point, but I told him I don’t do that with people I don’t know and that for now clothed was the only way he was getting photos of me, and he said that was fine.

Then Don just started sending me more dick pics. First was just it poking out of his pants, and from that angle I was kind of scared honestly, and then the next one – I kid you not – was him holding it next to a can of Rustoleum. They were the same size. I will never be able to look at Rustoleum the same ever again. But also, do you think he just walks around his house finding things to compare his dick to, or does he have a few go-tos that he just always has on hand? 

We flirted a lot, and besides the size thing he actually seemed funny and nice and smart, so I felt comfortable enough to consider planning a date with him. But when I asked him when we were going to meet and act on our flirtation and everything, he said that was a good question and asked when I was free. I told him, and he didn’t respond. 

After a few hours, I sent the upside down smiling face emoji because that’s kind of my thing when I’m trying to tell a guy, “Hey, you’re ignoring me but instead of calling you out on it I’m just going to send you an emoji.” Still nothing. The next morning, I realized that he had unmatched me on Tinder. 

When this happens, I assume one of three things – 1), they got back together with their ex or met someone else and are no longer looking, 2), they’re intimidated by my assertiveness/aggressive nature and don’t want to talk anymore, or 3), they’re a catfish and now that they got what they wanted from the conversation, he’s ready to move on. With Don, I’m betting option three.


Stay tuned because I’m sure I’ll have more Catfished stories soon, and next week, we’re back to our regularly scheduled program of guys I’ve been out with recently! You’ll be meeting my latest One-But Blunder, The Joker. Have a great week!

Chapter 25: The Scientist and a review of EHarmony

Just because someone’s a scientist doesn’t always mean there’s chemistry.

I have always sworn to myself that I would never sign up for a paid dating app. No, I don’t have anything against using them, and I think it’s amazing how many people have met their significant others on an app – it just isn’t for me.

I blame Disney for a lot of that, because in my head any relationship I have that does not involve some adorable “how we met” story is illegitimate. Which is probably why I decided it was a good idea to fly across the country to spend a weekend with Tony after one meeting. I didn’t like that we met on Bumble so I wanted to up the romance factor a few notches to make the story better. 

In any case, my parents – mostly my mom – disapprove of my aversion to paid dating sites. Especially after the excitement and novelty of swiping through my Bumble choices with me wore off, they started to see how extremely slim the pickings are nowadays. My dad, who has teased me for years about being single, finally told me that he gets it. 

While I was in Florida social distancing with them, they kept trying to get me to agree to sign up for any paid dating site – Match, Eharmony, whatever. Their reasoning was that right now, it’s impossible to meet people in person so everyone will be on dating apps, and the kinds of guys I’m looking for (you know – not assholes, have their shit together, that kind of thing) are more likely to be on a paid service than a free one. I still refused. 

Finally, after much back and forth my parents literally offered to pay for me to go on one of these if I’d agree to do it just to give it a try, and I relented. So, I signed up and made a profile on EHarmony because it seemed to align the most with what I was hoping to get out of this. I’ve seen all of the commercials, and it’s been around for a while, so I figured it was a good place to start.

I was able to start chatting with people in Boston from Florida, which was pretty cool, but if my first dozen or so connections were any indication of my future success, I don’t have very high hopes for it helping me to meet the love of my life. In all honesty, I’m not a huge fan of it, and I’ll get into more of why in a bit.

The Scientist

The only person that I’ve met on EHarmony and actually gone out with so far has been The Scientist, whom I’ll call Rick. 

Rick is a few years older than me, a research scientist/teacher for standardized tests. We had a pretty high compatibility score, 108, so when he messaged me about how we both got our grad degrees at the same university, I figured I’d give him a chance. After looking at his profile, I realized that he probably would not have ended up on my Matches list, but I wanted to give it a try. 

We started talking, and he seemed nice enough. The one thing I remember sticking out to me was that his profile lists him as “very Liberal.” Political party is not a deal breaker, but let’s just say I lean a little bit to the other side and wasn’t sure how much we’d mesh in that area at least. But again, I wanted to be open-minded and give him a chance, so I let it go. This is also important to note because at one point when I said something about it, he said he isn’t really “that” Liberal, and that was just one of many times I felt like he was saying what he thought would make me like him more.

The conversation was pretty good, he definitely initiated more than I did, and he was also the one to ask me for my number. As I’m sure you know by now, I don’t usually give out my real number right away so he got my Google Voice number. I also like Google Voice because I don’t have notifications turned on for anything except text and phone calls, so I don’t feel like I’m pulled to it as much.


But Rick really likes to text… a lot. I will admit that I have definitely been the one who is a bit “clingy” in the early stages of getting to know someone, but it’s definitely only okay when I do it. The more someone expresses too much interest in me, the less interested I am.

Photo by Chokniti Khongchum on Pexels.com

This is probably why I go for assholes, if I’m being honest. I am trying to get better about this, but I just like boundaries – I’m working on it myself, not getting too invested too soon – and I need space, especially when I’m first trying to figure out how I feel about someone. If they come on too strong, I feel like I’m being backed into a corner and forced into something and I don’t like it, and usually, I push back. I also just like having to work for it, at least a little bit. I should also mention that, while he is a test prep tutor/teacher, I learned quickly that his spelling and grammar are not quite up to my standards which is also a big deal for me.

In any case, Rick and I kept talking while I was in Florida, and he was very eager for me to get back to Boston so we could go on a date. He even got tested for COVID, but it was a couple of weeks before I was even planning on being back so I’m not sure why he did it when he did, but it’s the thought that counts. 

At one point, he asked me how I was feeling about him so far, and I was honest. I said that he seemed nice and he had a stable job which is good, and it had been nice getting to know him so far but I usually don’t know how I feel until I’ve met someone at least once. He told me that he liked that I never respond right away because it lets him know that I have a life. Really, it should also be a sign that I just don’t feel the need to be in constant communication with ANYONE, so to maybe not text me every hour, but I went along with it. I remember a couple of weeks later he said that he thought that, “I liked him more than I did when he asked me last time,” but also that “he could just be grasping at straws.” My response was, “Let’s just say I don’t like you any less than I did last time you asked.”

If you haven’t been able to tell so far, I hate when people fish for compliments. I don’t do it myself and I don’t like it when someone puts themselves down or tries to hint for someone to compliment you instead of just using your words, or just being confident enough to not need practically a stranger to tell you on a weekly basis if they like you or not. 


In any case, I finally got back to Boston and pretty much since the day I got back he was asking when we could go out. My mom was there for a while so we didn’t go right away, but finally we made plans to go to Regina’s Pizza in the North End. Overall, we had a nice time, more fun than I expected honestly. But for me, having a good time does not equal a relationship and I was pretty much convinced by about an hour or so in that this was going to be a “friend-zone” situation, which is totally fine with me – I love making new friends.

Unfortunately, it does not seem like Rick picked up on this because after he offered to walk me back to my place, which was very nice but unnecessary, and when I went to give him a hug goodbye he gave me a kiss on the cheek. It was quite awkward. But of course I’d already agreed to maybe hang out with him again soon, so I was already kind of invested and had to just hope that a bit of distance would make things better.

It did not. Rick continued with the excessive texting, especially if he wanted to complain about something at work. That’s another thing, if you have a problem at work, fix it! Don’t text me about having to fix it! Just do it! I started to do my usual tactic which is to just kind of be cold and detached and give unenthusiastic answers because I hate rejecting people that I don’t think are trying to make me uncomfortable or anything, so it’s easier to just be a bitch and hope they leave me alone after getting tired of dealing with me. It’s better to be the bad guy that way, in my opinion. But also, I don’t hate the guy and would like to be friends, but in my experience, guys don’t like being “friend-zoned” and I’m not interested in dealing with someone taking that poorly. So I was just kind of putting it off, I guess.

I’m not going to provide too much context for this in case he reads it, but for future reference for him and anyone who enters my life, let’s just put it out there that my favorite Bible verse is Matthew 6:3, “But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth.” Basically, your left hand should not know what the right is doing. In other words, if you do nice things for people, do it and forget about it – don’t brag about it or try to use it as an example of how “empathetic” you are when I bring up that EHarmony seems to be very off in saying that we have identical Empathy scores, which actually just further proved my point. 


Our latest excursion brought us apple picking, which was my first time apple picking ever. He drove us there, we picked a ton of apples, it was really hot – which he kept reminding me of, there were a lot of hills – which he also kept reminding me of, we ate some apple cider donuts, and I got some honey and apple cider. He drove me back, and we went upstairs to my apartment to distribute the apples (that’s not a euphemism, that’s exactly what happened), and then he left. We’ve still talked here and there since then, but ultimately, neither apple picking nor any texts since then have changed my mind about him. 

I think another big thing with him is that because he teaches classes about standardized tests, a lot of the time he would act more like my LSAT tutor than a friend or anything. If I was excited about a score on a practice test, he’d tell me, “Let’s see how you do next week.” He would act like I didn’t know what I was doing in terms of studying, too, and while I appreciated the tips and resources every so often, he was talking to me like I’m sure he talks to his students and I really didn’t like it. He also got kind of condescending when I told him the topic of my personal statement, which is about my eating disorder, so that was not very cool either. 

Actually, as it’s now my editing day, the latest with The Scientist is that I did recently remake a profile on EHarmony, just because I feel bad that my parents are kind of wasting their money if I don’t at least try, and I had discarded all of my contacts except for him when I first deleted everything off of it a few weeks ago. This morning, I woke up and decided to check it to see if I had anything new and I saw that he had discarded me as a contact, with the reason he selected being that, “He found love and hopes for everyone else to find it,” which is one of the choices. 

I am happy for him if that’s the case, because he is a nice guy and I have no problem with him as a person, we just aren’t compatible romantically, so I texted him and said I was really happy for him and wished them all the best, and so far I’ve received no response. He might have blocked me in retaliation for me unfollowing him on Instagram, which honestly is not personal, I’m just very picky about who I follow and only want to see certain things in my feed. Who knows.


So, The Scientist is another name on the list of dating misadventures and men who are not meant to be my husband. Now, I’ll tell you all about why I’m convinced that I’m not going to meet the man of my dreams on EHarmony. 

A Review of EHarmony

I have a lot of feelings about EHarmony, but I’ll try to condense them into a few paragraphs. Basically, you take a test and it asks you all these questions and then after you make your profile, you can see who you “Match” with. You can update your preferences to exclude certain heights, education levels, etc., but only some features are unlocked. But much like other apps and sites, just because you have certain parameters and standards for what you’re looking for does not mean that you won’t show up in other people’s match list. So, most of the people I talked to were people who did not fit what I was looking for but messaged me because I fit what they were looking for. Honestly, thinking about who I had messages from I would say MAYBE one or two of them would have shown up on my list, if that.

Also, even though I had set up a search parameter to only look for men in my area, this is also optional. Again, most of the men contacting me were not in Boston. Most were not even in the state. I had men in Texas, Illinois, California, and Maryland messaging me. Even better, I got contacted by men in India more than anything else.


Once someone messages you, if you don’t want to continue chatting or have the message thread visible anymore, you have to “Discard” the contact and you have to choose one of about 5 or 6 options for why. It’s super awkward, especially when someone did it to me and I realized that the person gets a message with WHY you’re taking them off your list.

I think that’s super weird, especially that they make you give a reason – maybe because they’re creepy? Or because you said you don’t want to date a smoker, and one contacts you? Maybe because they’re not what I’m looking for and I said that in my quiz? Or, most likely, because I had men in other countries proposing to me like this was some sort of 90-Day Fiance situation? I don’t like that I had to give a reason other than that I just didn’t want to talk to someone that shouldn’t have even been able to contact me based off of my search requirements, and/or I just didn’t feel safe talking to them.

Photo by Cristian Dina on Pexels.com

I also felt like the men there fall into one of two categories. One, they think that any woman on there is desperate to find love so they just act like they aren’t as sleazy as they clearly are to take advantage of vulnerable women, or two, they’re so desperate to find love that if you express even an ounce of interest in them they start planning the wedding.

Seriously, I had a guy I also gave my fake number to which I immediately regretted when he sent me about 70 unrequested photos of his trip to Las Vegas, and when after a few weeks of mostly one-sided conversations because we just had nothing in common I told him I wasn’t interested in pursuing it any further and he got so butt-hurt! Then he kept saying that “we can be friends and see what happens” and I had to say AT LEAST three times that “friends” means “friends” not “hope I change my mind about you” and if that’s not something he was willing to respect to forget about it. Besides which, I didn’t even want to be friends because the conversation was seriously lacking. But he acted like we had this insane chemistry (we didn’t) and the most amazing talks (we didn’t) and got so pissy when I ended it. There are plenty of fish in the sea, y’all, calm down. 

My other complaint is about the quality of men on the website. Like my parents, I did agree that there would probably be a better caliber of men than what I was finding on Hinge and Bumble and all that. But boy, was I wrong. Even in the men that are showing in my Matches who are supposed to satisfy the search filters I have set up, I’m getting guys that are not on par with what I’m looking for.

I’m not trying to be vain or mean or classist/elitist in any way, but I mean, I have a Master’s degree and I’m getting guys who still live in their mom’s basements. It’s not about money, or status, or anything like that but many of the guys I just cannot imagine having an intellectually stimulating conversation with. Especially not after taking a look at how their bios are worded, their occupation sounding like something a Bachelor producer would come up with, and their interests sounding like those of a 19-year old frat boy. For how much EHarmony charges, they should screen a bit better. 


I’ve tried complaining to EHarmony Customer Service about not only the lack of quality options and failed Match system, but also how much I dislike the “Discard” feature and my general safety concerns considering how many men from other random countries it seems are trying to wife me up to get a green-card. I mean if I wanted guys who just want to marry me because I’m pretty and they want to come to America, I could go into my “Message Requests” on Instagram and pick one of them. Every time I complained to them I got the same generic copy/pasted response about how “nothing is guaranteed.” No safety concerns were mentioned nor did I get any solutions, and I’ve basically been told to suck up the dissatisfaction and creepy messages for the remainder of my membership because I signed a contract. 

That’s the other thing – they give you like two or three days to decide if you want to cancel, and that is absolutely not enough time. 

For a while, my profile was mostly blank except for my Bio where I wrote that they won’t let me cancel and get a refund, and how unhappy I am with the service, in hopes that I would get reported enough for them to just kick me off and give me (my parents) a refund. I’m not trying to waste their money at all, and that’s why I just want to get out of it. I’ve also read hundreds of reviews now with people in similar situations and they all talk about what a rip-off and scam it is that they suck you in the way that you do then you get no good contacts or anything but you’re forced to stay in a membership you never use anymore because it sucks so much. Very, very sketchy. 

Now, I did redo my profile but I was just very honest and vocal about not wanting certain things and expressing what I am looking for. Again, not trying to make it sound like I have a whole list of requirements, but it’s not even about appearance or having a certain salary or anything like that. It’s just about knowing what I deserve, and knowing that I’m not okay with long-distance, nor do I want to date a smoker or someone who already has kids. 


If I had to give them a rating, I’d say maybe a 2/10. Overall, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be and I sincerely wish I’d spent the money on a different service, or just packed a suitcase and gone to Greece or something and found a husband there. At this point in my dating life, Greece is sounding like the better option. 

Chapter 24: The Rollercoaster

Not as much fun as it sounds.

Well, folks, the time has come. This is the story that I have been dreading writing about ever since I finally decided to bite the bullet and start this blog. 

As I’m sure you’ve realized by now, and like I have mentioned before, I typically use humor to mask my pain – and over the years I’ve gotten pretty good at it. But if you’ve come to love my blog for a laugh or two, some self-deprecation, and my amazing sense of humor, I’ll tell you right now that this chapter is not going to be like the rest. While I will try my best to sneak in a few jokes here and there, this story is still pretty recent, to me at least, and it still hurts a bit, so it might not have the same tone you’ve gotten used to. This is also one of those stories that no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t seem to condense into the usual length of these chapters without feeling like I wasn’t really telling the whole story the way it needs to be told in order to fully understand its impact.

But, what’s just as important to me as being funny and entertaining is being honest, and being real. In this chapter (okay, maybe it’s going to be a bit of a book), I will be 100% real. Sometimes, life sucks, a lot, but that’s just part of being human. To anyone else who’s experienced a particularly crappy heartbreak, you aren’t alone and I hope that this chapter helps you realize that.

So while I already have my big glass of wine to get me through writing this first part (which will most definitely take me at least a few days to finish), and I hope you do, too (I told you to get some ready last week!) – I’ve also taken the liberty of creating a playlist for you to enjoy while reading this chapter since I can already tell that it’s going to be a particularly long one. This playlist is meant to be listened to in the order I have it in to kind of parallel the story itself, but you can totally shuffle if that’s more your thing. If you don’t drink, grab some ice cream, if you don’t like ice cream, I don’t know what to tell you.

Also just a shameless plug for if you want to follow me on Spotify!

Alright, enough with the introduction. As always, all names have been changed to protect privacy. Let’s start the story of The Rollercoaster.


Earlier this year, I was back on Bumble, yet again, but so far had not been having a lot of luck. More than anything, I was just on there for entertainment and the occasional confidence boost, but really, I was kind of enjoying being single. I had finished grad school, I was about to start a cool new job where I’d get to travel, I felt healthy, and I was really happy with my life. 

I had recently read an article about astrology feng shui or something, talking about how your home can impact other areas of your life, so I was kind of taking that into account in my life as well. Not just for romantic reasons, but I felt like I was attracting a lot of positively at that time, and I wanted to keep that going. One of the things they said to do was to clear out clutter and make more space in your home, because more physical space meant you were also making more space for positive things to come into your life – and yes, that’s including love. 

An actually fun rollercoaster.
Photo by Stas Knop on Pexels.com

Then one night in January, I was on Bumble and I ended up matching with Tony. His profile was literally perfect – no fish photos, no games of “guess who?,” good grammar – the works. He was insanely attractive, and seemed like a great guy. He’s a personal trainer and massage therapist, but also teaches kids with special needs, and his profile talked about how much he loves what he does (which is a major turn-on for me considering I’m very over the guys who don’t have any work ethic), and I was extremely excited when I got the alert that we had matched. 

I messaged him and asked him what his favorite food is – amazingly original, I know – but he responded with Italian, so I knew he was a keeper. It turned out that Tony is from the area, but now lives in Arizona, but was visiting Boston for the weekend. He asked me if I’d like to join him for drinks that night, and while for a moment or two I hesitated because I was kind of tired, I did end up saying yes.

However, I did almost end up late to meet because I got very invested in making myself some baked ziti and nearly thought about canceling, but something kept telling me that I couldn’t bail on this one. So, I ate my ziti very quickly, freshened up, and was on my way to the hotel he was staying at to meet him for some drinks.

I texted him that I was there, and he said he would come downstairs. The second I saw him, I froze. I have honestly never experienced anything like that before. I would say it’s kind of like the feeling I get when I unexpectedly see a picture of Liam Hemsworth and am reminded of how ridiculously sexy he is, but it was so much more. All my pre-date nerves immediately disappeared. I felt safe, I felt comfortable, I felt like this was it. This is what I’d been waiting for. I know that on the rare occasion when I fall for someone, I can fall hard but I swear I have never felt it so strongly or so quickly with anyone ever before. The way he smiled at me, I honestly felt like maybe he was feeling the same thing. It was the best feeling I’ve ever experienced. 

We sat down at the bar and ordered drinks, and immediately the conversation started flowing. I told him about having recently finished grad school, the job I was about to start, my family, and studying for the LSAT. He told me about his family – including his many sisters – and his job, what brought him to Arizona, and more. I will be the first to admit that I have NEVER been a big fan of Boston accents, but oh my goodness – his is perfect. I was hanging on his every word not just because I was already so into him but because I loved the way he said everything. We had a lot in common, he made me laugh, he laughed at my dumb jokes and sarcasm, and overall we were hitting it off. Really, I felt like I’d known him for years. He was genuinely interested in what I had to say, too, which was a breath of fresh air. 

He asked me if I wanted to come out with his friends after we finished our drinks, since they were in town and he wanted to see them, too, but he wanted to spend time with me since he was heading back to Arizona the next day. I agreed, so we went up to his room where I met one of his friends, we hung out there for a bit, and then headed over to Earl’s in the Prudential Center to meet the rest of his friends.

I liked them immediately. They all seemed so nice, and not at all put off by him bringing some random girl along – which I would have totally understood if they didn’t like. They welcomed me, made me feel comfortable and not like an outsider, and they seemed to really like Tony and think of him as a good guy. We all got along, so it was a good night and it made me feel even more comfortable with everything. I also thought it was absolutely adorable that he kept bragging about me to his friends and making them congratulate me on having just finished grad school.

As the night went on, and I had a couple of Moscow Mules (with gin instead of vodka – try it, I got Tony to and he liked it) in me, the liquid courage started coming out. Earlier, I had asked Tony if he wanted to see my apartment after drinks because I was talking about my rooftop views, and he said yes. Our chairs started to get a little closer, hands started getting touching under the table, and I was really excited. Not in a sexual sense, in a, “I really want to get to know him better” kind of way. Finally, he and his friends were talking about something they all had to do the next day and I leaned in and asked him if he was still coming to my place after. He said yes, after we were all done. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was just the connection I was already feeling, but I got a surge of boldness and whispered to him, “Oh, but I kind of want to go now.” With that, he told his friends we had to go and said good night. I told them goodbye and thanked them for letting me crash their evening, and we headed out.

On our way to the Uber, I said something about being an Empath, I don’t remember why, and he said he knew. I asked how he knew I was an Empath and he said that he’s one, too. I warned him that this does mean I’m prone to crying and feeling all the feels, and he said that was okay. He understood and said that he thought that was amazing. I think that was the first time I’ve told a guy what an emotional little thing I can be sometimes and he didn’t freak out over it or get weird about me admitting that I cry like at least once a day for no reason. While we were outside waiting, the “old me” that felt like I always needed to be sexual to keep a guy interested in me broke out for a second, and I asked him what his favorite position is. Tony replied, “This one” as he wrapped his arms around me from behind and gave me a kiss on the cheek. It was the cutest thing ever, I for sure swooned a little bit when he said that.

I remember the whole way back, I kept saying, “I never usually do this,” which I guess isn’t exactly true, but in a way, I felt like it was going to be the first something that I hadn’t done before. I kept asking if he’d think less of me, and made him swear not to think differently about me, that this was just because he was leaving the next day, and he assured me that he wouldn’t. I made him swear. He swore it was okay, he liked my confidence, he felt a connection, too, and he wouldn’t think any less of me for acting on what we both wanted.

Tony kissed me for the first time on my apartment building’s rooftop deck. I remember the exact spot. You know that “foot-popping” I’ve mentioned before? That was the first one I ever had. I mean, I didn’t literally pop my foot, but I felt it. It was very different from the way I’ve been kissed before. I remember at one point I was looking at the view, which is pretty amazing, and I looked back at him and I caught him looking at me smiling. You know that scene in “Tangled” when Rapunzel is looking at the floating lanterns, and Flynn is looking at her and you probably thought to yourself that you wanted a guy to look at you that way? That’s exactly what it was like.

We went back to my place and talked some more before things led to where I’m sure you can imagine they did. I asked him not to go right away because I didn’t want to feel like a prostitute or like I was being used, so he stayed a while longer. We had some laughs, I felt more comfortable than I ever have before, and really, it was just perfect. We cuddled a lot, and then he had to go but told me that I should come visit him in Arizona anytime, and said that we’d hang out next time he was in town. I believed him. He asked me to walk him downstairs and I did, and right before he left he gave me another big hug, a kiss, and said he couldn’t wait to see me again. 

I was over the moon happy. I fell asleep like a little kid going to Disney World the next day. I was already feeling the beginning of this being more than a crush or lust, but I really felt like it was okay. I was so convinced that this would be it. When he texted me first thing the next morning, not making me doubt for even a second that this was just going to be a one-night-stand he bragged about to his friends, I was even more sure.

Chapter 23: One Hit Blunders, Part IV – The Cheapskate and The Funcle

Welcome back to another week of One Hit Blunders! Today, you get to meet two men – one from Boston, The Cheapskate, and one from Florida, The Funcle. Let’s go. 


The last date I went on in Boston before the world shut down was with Charles, I guy that I accidentally matched with when I went back on Hinge for all of about 36 hours way back in February (man, that feels like years ago) and ended up going out with.

Charles is an accountant for something important, I honestly cannot remember, but I do remember that I definitely did not mean to match with him because he didn’t seem like what I was looking for, nor did he really match the physical attributes I usually go for. But, I matched with him nonetheless and I’m too nice to be like, “Whoops sorry meant to swipe left!” so we started talking.

To be totally fair, I wasn’t really interested in ANY of the guys I was matching with because I was already 100% positive that I was already in love with someone else that I’d met just before this, The Rollercoaster. He’s coming up next week, but he lives on the West Coast so to be realistic and not obsess over him too much, I was still exploring other options in Boston just to protect myself. Fair warning before next week’s post, get yourself LOTS of wine. I will absolutely be drinking a very big glass of it while I write next week’s post to get me through it, and I can only imagine how long next week’s post will be — but, I don’t want to give TOO much away. For right now, all you need to know is that I was in love with him and didn’t really want to be going out with The Cheapskate, but my friends convinced me to go out just for kicks and giggles and I figured it couldn’t hurt. Anyway, let’s get back to the story.

So, Charles and I talked for a bit, and he asked for my number. Considering I didn’t even want to match with him, I pulled my classic trick of giving him my Google Voice number, which turned out to be an excellent decision. 

He asked me out to lunch, and since he lives and works near Beacon Hill, which isn’t too far from me, I told him to pick a spot he could get to easily after his morning at work wrapped up. He picked a restaurant that turned out to have some very interesting food, but I went with it. 

The day we met up, I immediately knew I was in for a future dating blog story. He was wearing a very strange trench coat despite the fact that it wasn’t even really that cold at the time, and he seemed very concerned about not letting it touch the floor even for a second. We sat down at the bar, which was at least a kind of good distraction from the fact that he was shorter than I thought (seriously, guys, AGAIN?) and he ordered a beer and asked me what I wanted, and I said I’d get a hard cider since I don’t drink beer.

Apparently, this was offensive to him and I “should have told him before” that I don’t drink beer, which I just rolled my eyes to because it isn’t a big deal to me. The bartender overheard me say this and offered to give me a sample of a beer he thought I’d like, I thanked him and said that would be great, thanks. He went and got me a little glass for the sample and sets it in front of me, and Charles took it and had the first sip, even though it was for me! It was so weird.

The food was awful but the only thing worse was the conversation. Half of me felt like I was in a job interview while the other half of me felt like I was some B-list celebrity being asked weird questions on the red carpet hoping I’d say something scandalous so that the reporter who asked it could feel special. It was weird, he talked an awful lot about himself, and anything that was asked about me immediately got brought back to him. No, thank you.

Even better, I remember that he only ordered an appetizer – that he had to ask the server 50 questions about before he’d agree to order it – and made some really judge-y comments when I ordered a burger and fries. I know I’m not a Victoria’s Secret model, and guess what, I don’t want to be – I love my body. So to any guy who thinks it’s okay to comment on what a girl orders and eats, and actually DOES comment on what she eats, I say this to you from the very bottom of my heart – I hope you remain single forever. No girl deserves to deal with an insecure jerk like that.

But the real kicker was when the bill came. As you know, I always offer to pay my half but never expect to actually do so. Now, keep in mind what I said before – Charles is an accountant for a big company, and he lives on Beacon Hill (which if you don’t know, is one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Boston) in a place where he can park his luxury car easily. So, he is not hurting in the money department. Meanwhile, I’d been telling him about my woes of being unemployed until I started a new job at the end of the month. He didn’t let me pay, but he did tell me I could cover the tip (which was still a considerable amount), and left me with a, “You can pay the next time.” How about no, because there definitely will not be a next time?

I had told him while we were eating that I wanted to go shopping on Beacon Hill at some point soon, and he offered to walk me since he was heading home, but I fibbed and told him that I couldn’t go that day. Instead, I went back towards my place a couple of blocks until I figured he couldn’t see me, hid in a shop for a bit, and then came back out and went shopping.

Later that day, he messaged me about getting together and I pulled my go-to line, trying to be nice but firm. His response was literally just, “Oh come on, I know you’re into me.” I was none too pleased at his attitude so I pretty much just said, “Actually, I’m not. I didn’t enjoy our date at all. Bye.” He tried to respond to that, but I didn’t answer. I blocked him. Just another story for the book… well, blog.


When coronavirus started to get bad, my mom told me she did not want me to be up here in Boston by myself, so she told me to come home to Florida, which I gladly did.

After awhile, my family all made the collective decision that I needed to go on Bumble or something while I was there, if nothing else, to make new friends and just get me out of the house since for most of the five months I was there the two people I hung out with the most were my mom and my three year old niece. So, I went back on Bumble. 

My sister in law had a grand time living vicariously through me, since dating apps didn’t really become a thing until after she met my brother, so she did some swiping for me which led to my parents – mostly my dad – feeling left out. My dad wanted to know how Bumble worked and I said we could mirror my phone to the TV in the living room and he could help me. We were kind of joking, but actually, that’s exactly what we did.

A few nights of quarantine, my parents and I gathered in the living room and I’d set my phone up to display on the TV, and remind them of my rules:

  1. No more than one fish photo.
  2. No more than one mirror selfie.
  3. I don’t play Guess Who – if all of the photos are group shots, it’s a no.
  4. No kids (too complicated). 
  5. Proper use of their/they’re/there and your/you’re. 
  6. Actually has at least something interesting in their bio, and/or at least a question or two answered. 

Really, these are not too crazy of guidelines – yet it was very difficult to find decent matches.

But, I did match with Eddie, who we all liked because he called himself a “funcle” and had some cute pictures with his nieces and nephews. As someone who is also obsessed with their nieces, I figured we’d get along. 

We talked a bit, and then he asked me out and I figured I was being smart about being around people, and I was okay with doing a semi-socially distanced date so long as we were outdoors. We met at a tiki bar, and he got there a few minutes before me which allowed him time to order a drink without me – I don’t know, is that weird that it kind of bothered me? 

He seemed nice enough, but guess what, I had ANOTHER height liar! Maybe I’m just really bad at estimating people’s heights, but he definitely seemed shorter than he said, or he had really bad posture. He also did not look a ton like his photo in general, but I let it slide and decided to try to have fun regardless.

Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

I did not have fun. Again, the conversation was lagging, with way too many awkward silences for me to count and a lot of me just staring at my drink hoping that it would magically give me inspiration on literally ANYTHING to talk about that would result in a conversation longer than two minutes long. It failed. I had also told him beforehand not to take it personally if I didn’t hug or anything, I was trying to be safe with corona, and to please respect that but he still hugged me like three times over the course of the night, and it was that awkward thing where I kind of just stood there with my arms at that weird “caught by surprise” angle not knowing what to do. Overall, it was just not a good night and I finally told him I had to be home soon (my brother did give me a curfew, after all) and left.

And I never heard from him again. Another little thing I like is when a guy at least makes sure that I get home safely after a date, but he didn’t even do that. I just never heard from him, which was fine with me. I unmatched with Eddie, and called it another loss but also a gain because at least I got a free drink out of it. Honestly though, I hope that he’s more fun with his nieces and nephews than he was with me. 


And that brings us to the end of another One Hit Blunders! Don’t forget the wine for next week – see you soon!

Chapter 18: The Love Square

After starting to work at Encore Boston Harbor, I realized that the pickings were VERY slim if I wanted to meet a guy there. Not that I was only working there to get a boyfriend, but I like to always have “convenience crushes” – someone that might not really catch my eye if I met them at a bar, but they at least motivate me to put a bit more effort into my appearance each day. I quickly realized that simply hoping that some young, attractive, rich Christian Grey type was going to need an in-room check in (and then fall in love with me) was going to have to be my “convenience crush” (despite feeling like an old lady in my awful-fitting skirt and blazer, I managed to look mostly good most days). However, it seems that there were quite a few guys working there who did not have the same problem I did in terms of finding a fellow employee to crush on, and that is how my Love Square fiasco happened.

There are three characters in this, besides me. The security guard, Tomas, Valet #1, Ricco, and Valet #2, Leo. 


Tomas started it all. I met him at lunch one day when going on break with one of my friends, Carol, as the two of them were friends already. I didn’t think much of it other than that he was a friend of a friend, so we talked throughout lunch and overall, he seemed nice. Not my type, but again, I wasn’t thinking of him like that – I had already resorted to holding out for Christian Grey (minus the narcissism and emotional abuse) – so I just kept it friendly. 

We ended up having lunch together a few more times, with Carol and/or other friends, and while he was nice, we just really did not have much in common. So, when a little bit later Carol told me that she knew someone who liked me, and was asking her about me, I didn’t expect it to be him. But, it was. He was asking if she knew if I had a boyfriend, and if she’d tell me that he liked me. 

Now I don’t know about you, but I am NOT attracted to people who are too afraid to tell someone their feelings themselves. This isn’t middle school recess. But I figured he must be insecure, and I didn’t want to be mean. At the same time, though, having done the whole “work people knowing my personal life” thing, I was not too keen on him getting Carol involved. I didn’t want her to get further involved, so I told her I’d handle it. 

I don’t remember how we had each other’s numbers, but we did, so I texted him and let’s just say that throughout our few brief texting conversations, I realized that there was really nothing for us to talk about. When he finally got up the nerve to ask me out, I told him I didn’t want to mix my professional life and my personal life (kind of true), so thanks, but no thanks. I thought that would be it. But it was not.

A little bit after that, I ended up at a volunteering event with Tomas and it was super awkward at first even though I tried to keep things friendly and chill. He was clearly still upset (again, not attractive) and it was becoming pretty obvious, to the point where I just tried to avoid him for the most part. I ended up meeting someone there who had just moved up from Florida who was really nice and offered me a ride home, and I could literally feel the death glare on the back of my head as I got in his car. When I told my new friend about it, he said it was pretty clear to him the whole time we were there that Tomas was jealous that I was talking to other guys. Not cool. 


Around this same time, I began talking to Valets 1 and 2, Ricco and Leo, whenever I was outside waiting to do a meet and greet – or, more likely, just avoiding doing work that didn’t need to be done yet in the back office and taking one of my multiple laps of the day. 

Leo was funny, I don’t really know how to describe him, but he’s just very much a harmless flirt I guess. Comes off a little bit cockier than he deserves to be, but overall not the worst person in the world. Plus, he always talked about how much he loves his family so I thought it was sweet.

Ricco, on the other hand, began to get on my nerves pretty quickly. You know those people who have to give you a lecture for every single thing you say? That’s Ricco. I could go outside and run into him and say something about needing to stop at the store to get milk on the way home, and he’d end up giving me a history lesson on the dairy industry. It was exhausting, and honestly, I usually ended up tuning him out shortly into our mostly one-sided conversations because I could barely get in one word and it would make me so angry that he didn’t realize how much he talks over people. He’s also younger than me, and it shows.

So, those are the players in this story. Now, onto the good stuff.


One day, I was sitting at my desk in the back office when one of my coworkers, Judy, came in and told me that there had been a guy out front asking about me. At first I thought maybe it was a guest (Christian Grey, is that you??), but then she told me that he works here. She said it was someone I’ve talked to before, because he said we had, and that he was asking her what she knew about me, and if I was seeing anyone, and that he had left me a note but she didn’t have it on her at the moment. 

The infamous flower carousel.

My mind immediately went to Tomas. At this point, it had been a little while since I had turned him down the first time, so I thought he was trying again but from a different angle. And let’s just say that I was PISSED.

I went on my lunch shortly after and vented about it to another of my friends, Amanda. While on lunch, I decided that I needed to say something to him. So I pulled out my phone and texted Tomas that I’d already told him no, and to stop asking about me, and that I don’t like him involving my coworkers because I’m a private person (lol), and basically, to leave me alone. It was pretty heated. He didn’t respond.

But then I got back from lunch, and I found something on my desk. It was a note, saying the writer thought I was beautiful and cool and wanted to know if I’d get coffee with him sometime? It was signed by Ric. 

Immediately, I panicked. I realized I’d had the wrong person and I’d just gone off on Tomas for asking about me when it wasn’t even the right person going all middle school on me and my coworkers. I started to get up and find Judy when she walked back in and asked if I saw the note, and I said yes, and asked her if it really came from him. She replied, “Yes! It’s from Ricco, the valet! Everyone calls him Ric but his name is Ricco.” Now I REALLY knew I’d messed up, and the look on my face must have expressed that because she asked me what was wrong. I told her I’d texted the wrong person to yell at him and I needed to apologize.

First, I apologized to Tomas for yelling at him, but I don’t think he appreciated that I had to say, “It was someone else who likes me and was asking about me” and unintentionally rubbing it in that he wasn’t the only person who had a crush on me, and then I had to go outside and talk to Ricco. I gave him more or less the same spiel I’d given Tomas earlier, that I don’t mix personal and professional and I wasn’t interested.

Of course, when I was getting on the T that day to go home, who joined me? Ricco. And, he just made me even more sure that I’d done the right thing by continuing with the unwanted and unnecessary lectures about everything I said and continuing to hint that we should go out sometimes, despite me clearly saying, “no.” 

This is where Leo comes in. After all of this, he was the lesser of the evils so if I went outside to the valet area, I’d try to talk to him to avoid Ricco. I also ran into him in the back hallways quite a bit. So, we’d developed a friendly rapport.

One day, we were talking and somehow he started doing some rapid-fire questioning, asking me things about myself, and at one point, he asked me out. Because of the quick-questioning, I impulsively said, “Yes.” I immediately regretted it because I knew it was going to start stuff, but at the same time, Leo didn’t drive me quite so crazy so I wasn’t completely opposed to getting a drink or something.

I really hoped that nobody else would find out, but he must have said something because for the next day or two, Ricco gave me some serious side eye and death glares whenever he saw me. Then, he got fired so I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. Tomas did come by my department every once in a while and still made it so obvious that he was mad at me for turning him down, so he’d ignore me which didn’t really bother me, but it was definitely weird considering we’re all adults. 


I never did go out with Leo, we just never really followed up on making plans, and then I quit and we didn’t have any way to keep in touch. The funny thing is, I worked with some (actually, all) insanely gorgeous girls at Encore, so I have no idea why these three guys all were so focused on me. Other than my theory that kind of weird guys are attracted to me because they know I’m nice and think I’ll be too nice to turn them down, but then again I think Tomas and Ricco learned that is NOT the case with me. 

So, that’s the story of my weird little work love square. I guess, technically, to really be a love “square” at least one of those guys had to be in love with another guy, but it sounded better that way. And, it’s my blog, I can call it what I want, right?

Chapter 9: The Cheater

Buckle up, boys and girls. You’re in for a wild story. 

Perhaps the second most influential longish-term relationship I’ve had with anyone, besides Christian, was with Al, who was once known as Taco Boy, but is now known among my friends as The Cheater. That spoils the end of the story, I know, but trust me, this is a good one. So get settled in, grab a drink, and get ready for storytime. 

When I moved back to Boston for grad school, I was excited to have a fresh start. I’d been No Contact with Christian since March and was starting to feel more like myself again, and I was looking forward to getting myself back out in the dating world. In late September, I had plans to meet my best friend from college, Vivianne, for dinner at Assembly Row in Somerville and in usual fashion, I got there first. I was standing outside a restaurant waiting for her, when an attractive guy who looked around my age started walking up. I smiled at him, and he asked me if I was waiting for someone and I said yes, I was meeting a friend for dinner. He asked if I had time for a drink while I waited, and just as I was about to say yes, Vivianne walked up. He smiled at me and said to enjoy dinner. But thankfully, Vivianne is a killer wing-woman and knows me well, so when I said I was feeling bold she encouraged me to go inside the bar and give him my number. So I did. I found him at the bar, told him that while I was busy that night, I was free and up for a rain check that following weekend, so to call me. He said his name was Al, we exchanged numbers, and he said he’d text me so we could go out soon. Things were already looking up for me. 

We texted that night and the following day, and made plans to go out that following Friday. I was extremely excited because without being prompted, he suggested going bowling – which if you remember from The Creepy Catfish, is my FAVORITE first date activity. 

He had to delay the start time of our date a couple of times due to a contractor being at his house longer than anticipated (so he said), but when we did meet up – back at Assembly Row – I was struck when I remembered how attractive he is, thinking I couldn’t believe I was going out with him. 

We had an amazing date. We started with a couple of drinks at the bar, where I thought it was adorable that he knew enough about astrology to call me his “perfect match” since I’m a Sagittarius and he’s an Aquarius. He was 32, I was 26. Born and raised in Massachusetts. The bartender kept commenting on how cute we were together, too. He told me he’d broken up with his girlfriend that May, we talked about his job (an engineer), my school, our families, etc. Then, we bowled. I beat him pretty spectacularly. As we bowled, we warmed up to each other so when we realized we were both starving, and he offered to either take me to a pizza place nearby or make me tacos at his place. I chose the tacos (hence the original nickname of Taco Boy). But, he said he didn’t have guacamole at home, so first we stopped at Trader Joe’s where he bought me some good guac and a bottle of my favorite wine. Then, we went to his place. The whole way there he was telling me where we were going and making sure I felt comfortable, since I kept saying, “I never do this” and he was trying to ease any fears I may have had that he was a serial killer about to lock me up in his basement.

He kissed me for the first time in his kitchen in the middle of making me tacos. It was sweet, and considering I was coming up on a year-long dry spell, very exciting. After eating, we retired to his room for a little bit. We watched some TV, got to know each other better, and then I decided I didn’t want to spend the night because an eight hour first date was long enough, so he drove me home.

I was very excited when he texted me first thing the next day — I had a really good feeling about this one. He sometimes disappeared mid-text conversation, but I knew he had a demanding job and a lot of side work, so it never really bothered me too much (okay, it did, but I managed). When he went to a wedding a couple of weekends later, he texted me the whole time he was there saying he missed me. He drunk-texted me late that night asking if I’d be awake if he drove back right then. He did the same thing a few weeks later at another wedding, texting me the whole time that he wished I was there, he needed to see me, all those classic lines that made me feel oh-so-special.


The thing about Al was that every time we saw each other, which was mostly semi-last minute and at my place, he would always say, “We don’t have to have sex this time if you don’t want to, I just want to spend time with you,” which I now realize was highly manipulative, but considering those were the words I’d wanted to hear from Christian all those months before, they hit me right where I felt it and would always make me want to sleep with him even more. I’m apparently quite susceptible to reverse psychology. 

But the other thing was, Al was very paranoid. He blamed it on his parents being very old-fashioned because of their culture, and a friend of his getting “trapped” by a girl who lied about being on the pill, but almost anytime we were intimate, he would get so nervous. I finally went back on the pill just to make him slightly less neurotic about it. But that still wasn’t enough. Anytime he was even kind of worried, he’d ask me to take Plan B. I really didn’t want him to think I was trying to “trap him,” especially because he frequently not-so-humble bragged about how much he made from work and his many investments, so I always did. But he never paid, even when I asked him to go halfsies with me once. This is important later. 

Other than that, though, things were pretty good. He took me out to dinner at Union Oyster House for my birthday, and then left shortly after we ate the cheesecake my parents had sent me. I met his roommates a couple of times. One time we met on Newbury Street after our respective massages for lunch with a side of PDA. We had lots of good food together, started a lot of movies and shows we never finished (usually because I fell asleep) and just generally had a good time together. 


Photo by Rakim Davis on Pexels.com

Then he finally confirmed my friend request on Facebook. As anyone knows, once you get confirmed, you have to stalk a little, right? So I looked through some photos and things, and noticed a girl had tagged him in a photo from the first wedding he’d been to after we met. It was now her profile picture. I went to her page and saw that we’d gone to the same university so we had some mutual friends, but she was a few years older than me. This was when I started to get nervous that something was up. After asking my mom and my friends what to do, they finally convinced me to just ask him about her. So I did.

The next time I saw him, I said, “Hey, I’m sure it’s nothing, but I’ve told you about my past and about Christian, so you know this isn’t something I want to deal with again. I saw a photo of you on some girl named Sylvia’s page that made me nervous, is there anything I should know about your relationship with her?” Without skipping a beat, he said, no, of course not. They were friends, had been for a long time, and though they’d dated a long time ago, it was never anything serious. I believed him because I wanted to believe him, I wanted to believe I hadn’t picked a bad one yet again, so I let it go.

Around this time, I had told him I wanted something more serious. I had opened up to him about what I’d been through with Christian and he was very understanding, saying we had even more in common because of it, and that was a big deal for me that he didn’t freak out or make me feel crazy. So when January rolled around and he had conveniently deleted his Facebook and still wouldn’t put a label on whatever we had going, and I realized I didn’t miss him as much as I expected to when I was home for the holidays, I decided to talk to him. We went out for drinks back at the same spot of our first date and then got food, and I cried while I told him that I really liked him but needed to back off because I couldn’t do this to myself and allow myself to just be treated like a girlfriend when it was convenient for him, but not actually have the whole relationship, and I was tired of waiting for him to decide how he felt about me because I’d end up resenting him. So I gave him permission to do his thing (lol) while I did mine, we could be friends, but I needed to not hate him for making me feel like I was waiting for him to make up his mind so I was deciding we needed to back off a bit. I’ll never forget that he actually had the gall to say to me, “Wow, I wonder if anyone will ever want to date me” which made me feel awful since that’s my own deep dark fear, but ultimately, it went well. He was nice, he was understanding, he thanked me for being honest, and we seemed to be okay.