If you had asked me a few months ago if I thought I’d end up with this many One Hit Blunders chapters, I’d have said no. But, here we are.
The weather has been getting nicer and people are getting vaccinated. So that means that I’ve been more actively pursuing dates with some of my recent matches. Unfortunately, neither of them was my dream man, but oh well. Practice makes perfect. Let’s get into it. This week, let’s meet Fernando, The Chef, and Zane, The Protector.
Fernando and I matched on Tinder, and he seemed pretty nice right off the bat. He’s from South America originally but mostly grew up in North Carolina. So we had our home state in common, and it made for good conversation. He’s a chef and actually has a pretty cool job. Like a lot of people, he’d just moved to Boston when COVID happened, so he was eager to meet up. He hadn’t really had a chance to explore Boston yet, and now he could.
I appreciated this because, lately, I’ve really just gotten pen pals out my matches. I was trying to actually meet some of these guys and not just chat forever. So, we made plans to meet up one night after work.
It was perfect because he works not too far from where I live. We found each other, and set off on our date. We started at a bar not too far from us just. to break the ice. This place Is known for having some pretty cool cocktails, and neither of us had been. The drinks were really good and I enjoyed talking to him. Did I feel major sparks? No. Did he lie about his height? Yes. But still, he seemed like someone I could see myself being friends with. That’s better than nothing, so I was going with it. He paid for my drinks and the appetizer we split, so he also got points for that. We talked about Spain, our families, interests, all that good stuff, and overall, I was enjoying myself.
On our walk from there to another bar in the North End, he asked if he could hold my hand. I have mixed feelings on when guys ask me before doing things like this. Part of me appreciates that he’s into consent, the other part of me doesn’t know what to do. Especially because it makes it weird if/when I say no. I think it’s also probably that little bit of me that likes to think I’m SO irresistible that he can’t help but just hold my hand without asking. But, if I didn’t like him at all and he grabbed my hand, I’d be pissed (see The Creepy Catfish). What I’m really saying here is that unless I’m very into you, and you’re very into me, there’s no winning in this situation. Just take my hand. I’ll pretend to have an itch if I’m not feeling it.
In any case, we got to the next bar and we continued our conversation. I honestly don’t remember everything that we talked about, but it was nice. I think a lot of it was just being SO happy to get out of my apartment. But also, I wasn’t getting any major creepy vibes and up until that point, he at least seemed to have some social awareness, good manners, and could hold a conversation. That’s where the bar is, y’all.
At the next restaurant, we continued our conversation and had a drink. At this point, I was starting to get kind of hungry. This meant that the alcohol was also hitting me a little harder (and I’m already a lightweight). So, I suggested getting something to eat. Where we were, the food was a bit pricey and I didn’t really see anything I was dying for, so I thought maybe we could get a slice of pizza from a place down the street that sold slices. Fernando agreed.
We began walking to get pizza or find somewhere else to eat, but first Fernando had to up the “can I hold your hand?” to a, “can I kiss you?” Again, DON’T ask me. I didn’t know what to say, plus I was hungry. This time, though, I told him that I don’t really like it when guys ask me… but in any case, we kissed. I was half-vaccinated, it’s fine. The kiss was just okay. Apparently, he thought it was great, though. When I said again that I was hungry he said that maybe we could grab a bottle of wine at the store and go to my place. I figured I’d just take him to the rooftop, have some pizza and wine, and then I’d say I was tired and send him on his way. But Fernando had a different idea.
He immediately started walking towards the grocery store, completely skipping the pizza part. We got there, and I just didn’t have a good vibe anymore. I’d said multiple times at this point that I was hungry and needed to eat something before I drank anymore. So I went to the bathroom and at that point, I got really tired. When I came back out, I told him I wanted to go home. Without him. He definitely seemed disappointed but ultimately relented.
Then came the real “red flag” for me. As you can probably tell by now, I cannot stand extreme insecurity. It’s not even that, really, it’s the “pick me” vibe that some guys give off in moments of insecurity. He basically grilled me the whole way out of the store about why I didn’t want to hang out with him, what he did wrong, was I attracted to him, did I like him, yada yada. It was a huge turnoff. I actually would’ve maybe given him a second chance (without alcohol) until that point.
Finally, I escaped and went home. He did text me again that night asking if I was interested in him or not. I just wanted to eat a peanut butter sandwich and go to bed. The next day, I texted him and told him that I’d been enjoying myself but it was kind of weird that his response to me saying I needed to eat something was to get more wine and then go somewhere isolated when I was kind of tipsy. I also said that after only one date, I don’t really expect to give or get a full report if someone isn’t feeling it and calls it a night.
I will give him credit that he actually took it pretty well and didn’t argue. He actually even gave a pretty genuine apology. I wasn’t really upset, more annoyed, and I figured there are other fish in the sea. We did have the “we can be friends” talk but I wasn’t very confident that would happen. We talked one more time after that, but then just left it afterward. I was kind of disappointed that I didn’t get a good homecooked meal out of it, but oh well. So, Fernando the Chef is out.
Update: I finished writing this section on a Monday night, and Tuesday morning I woke up to a text from Fernando. He is NOT the guy I’ve been trying to manifest so I’m not sure what’s going on here, but he did ask me out again (on a full stomach). So, stay tuned for a potential part two.
Like I said, as the city started to reopen, it got easier to find people who weren’t terrified to meet in person. So, when I matched with Zane and he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk that weekend I said yes.
I will give Zane props because he was one of the few guys I’ve been out with that was actually honest about his height. He own the fact that he isn’t 6 foot. But to be totally honest, this date was not the most memorable. I do remember feeling bad because he dressed up way more than I did. Did I feel bad for dressing so casually? Yes, but also no. I mean, it was hot and we were going for a walk and he was wearing dress pants and a long-sleeved shirt.
Zane was nice, but the biggest issue with him was that he was SO protective. He is from another country that’s a bit more patriarchal than I’m used to, so I definitely understand why, but every time we crossed the street he’d put his arm in front of me or try to grab my hand. Sweet intention, but kind of made me feel like a child. Even just the way that he talked about women and everything. It seemed like he is more into the “a woman needs to be taken care of” mentality than I am.
At one point, we got talking about some of the crazy people we’ve been out on dates with and he started talking about a girl who was covered in tattoos. *Allegedly* she was also a bit crazy in some ways, but from what I gathered, it was just crazy that she had a lot of tattoos. I have six tattoos. So, it just didn’t really seem to be a good match.
We did get dinner but because of the wait times, ended up just ordering it to go and then sitting outside and eating it. This is where it gets interesting. Well, actually, first of all, this man is THE slowest eater I have ever encountered. I’m kind of a fast eater, granted, so everyone is a slow eater to me. But wow, did he take the cake. It was also just kind of weird anyway because it wasn’t even dinner time. It was like 4:00 at this point and had said I wasn’t even hungry. I ended up ordering an appetizer and bringing half home for later. Meanwhile, he ordered like a full-on entree and then proceeded to take 45 minutes to eat it.
But that’s not what made it interesting. So, quick backtrack. A few months ago, I matched with this guy on Bumble that I’ll call Nate. He was very attractive, seemed smart, a Gemini, and we had a lot in common. Had a good head on his shoulders, a bit older (like 35), and overall, seemed to be more mature and all that. We hit it off really quickly and for a few weeks, he was SO into me. Texting me every morning, remembering details, the works.
But, like so many men on dating apps, he never wanted to meet up. I even made the first move and tried to make plans with him at one point but he was too busy with work. After a bit of dealing with the confusion of his sudden disinterest, I moved on and did my own thing. However, we still followed each other on social media. One night in Arizona, when I had a particularly strong drink, I did ask him why he never made any efforts to actually meet and he said he’d just been busy (mmhmm), but after that I just let it go.
Which is why it was HILARIOUS to me when I stood up from the bench that Zane and I were sitting at to eat and began to turn and continue our walk, when who do I see on the bench right behind me? Nate. With another girl.
I was mostly just thrilled that I happened to look particularly good that day. I smiled, he recognized me, I said hi, and then strolled away. But honestly, this is how I know I’m the main character because of course something like that would happen to me. Especially because if I’m being totally honest, Zane and Nate do have similar features so it must have been pretty clear to him that I sort of have a type. I texted Nate the next day and make a joke out of it but he didn’t seem to be as amused.
The only other thing that I remember about this date is that he made me rap for him when it slipped that I knew one (and only one) rap song. He literally stopped and sat down and made me do it. Oh, and he also asked to hold my hand. I said no and told him that I’m not particularly affectionate or into PDA (not true, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings). He still did the mom-arm as we crossed streets, though.
When we parted ways, I knew that would be our one and only date. He did ask me out again, but I just used my go-to line about not feeling the spark and wishing him the best. He took it pretty well, and that was that.
So, that brings me to the end of another One Hit Blunders chapter. I’ll update you if anything happens with The Chef on a potential second date. Until next time!