Chapter 24: The Rollercoaster

I hope you read this.


I know the chances of you reading this are slim to none, but I wanted to at least get this all off my chest once and for all.  

You know how when we were hiking we talked about how you shouldn’t have to sacrifice things to be in a relationship, but you do need to compromise sometimes? I compromised a lot that weekend to make you comfortable. And you just found reasons to push me away and shut me down. I used up a day and a half of vacation time I didn’t even have yet. I took a huge risk putting myself in a position where I knew I could be hurt but I let myself believe the best about you and that you wouldn’t hurt me. I went out of my comfort zone going hiking because I wanted to experience something new with you, I went to a club knowing I’d be overwhelmed within an hour, I was willing to eat veal which I actually don’t like but I could suck it up if it’s what you wanted, I sat through probably the worst brunch of my life listening to you and your friends talk about your adolescence, completely leaving me out of 90% of the conversation, because I knew how much you wanted to catch up with Jackie, I dragged my suitcase around a mall and theatre for 6 hours so you didn’t have to miss your meeting and work. And what did you do for me? 

If your idea of being “too nice to be mean” is letting your friends make fun of someone’s name, clothes, college, and just generally being rude to them, telling them, “I don’t care what you do because you’re not my girlfriend,” watching them run off to a bathroom crying twice to be consoled by random girls in the bar – without even checking that they’re okay – and leaving them alone, vulnerable, and emotional at a mall 30 minutes from closing, in a state where they don’t know anyone, and then not answering their texts for hours, or even checking that they got to the airport okay, and never apologizing for what was probably one of the most horrible things a guy has ever done to me, then I would REALLY hate to see what “being mean” is. I would never let my friends treat my worst enemy the way Pete and Jackie made me feel, and I would never isolate someone completely from a conversation like you three did at brunch, or even force someone to be with people they clearly didn’t click with. Regardless of how far I flew, that was mean. I went there for YOU – not your friends. It was mean and made me extremely insecure and like my existence was of absolutely no importance to you. I just wanted to feel like I mattered to you. How could you call yourself an Empath and then sit there letting someone feel that way after I’d told you I had feelings for you? 

You have no right to tell me I used you for sex. I made it very clear that I am a sexual person and that I show affection through physical touch. I also made it very clear that sex is special to me and important to me and that it’s not something I do with just anyone. Me being “aggressive” because I was attracted to you, trusted you, and felt like I was falling for you and wanted to share something special with you does not mean I was using you. Far from it. I was trying to give you something that was important to me because I’d never really enjoyed sex before in that way, and I thought that meant something. But, if you knew after the first day that you didn’t see a future with me, like you say now, you had no right to have sex with me that afternoon. Especially not unprotected. When we had sex the second time the first night, you initiated that. You woke me up for it!! When we first had sex in Boston, you made it clear that you didn’t think less of me and it felt very equal in terms of initiation – I thought that was continuing in Arizona. I didn’t get the vibe that you “weren’t a sexual person” that night, I thought we both liked each other and that you knew I was just incredibly attracted to you and excited to find someone I trusted enough to share something that I clearly put a lot of value on with. On Saturday, you shouldn’t have asked me if I was on the pill and when I said yes said, “Good, so we can keep doing that” [redacted] and then proceeding to tell me you only ever do that with girlfriends. You made me feel like this wasn’t just fucking and yes, I wanted more of it because it was exciting to experience something new and feel like I wasn’t being used for once. I wasn’t using you. I wanted to be closer to you. I wanted to get to know every part of you. [Redacted]

I didn’t go across the country to get laid. I could get it easily in Boston if that’s all I wanted. I have plenty of ways to get the job done if I’m just looking for an orgasm. I went there to get to know you better, and yes, for me, sex is a big part of getting to know someone better so I wanted to explore that with you to feel closer to you because I was falling for you and I was really fucking excited about it. If I knew I didn’t see a future with you, I would not have had sex with you. That’s on you. You used me. Don’t you DARE try to pin it on me. 

Did you know I said it back to you when he told me you loved me? You had a chance to tell me to leave that night. I wanted to. I was about to confirm a room at a nearby hotel when you told me, “We’re okay, it’s okay, I’m sorry, I don’t want to fight, I just want to hold you, it’s okay, come to bed, let’s cuddle, we’re okay, it’s okay.” I told you I wanted to go. You said to stay. So I did. You pulled me into you to cuddle, I was about to crawl into the corner of the bed and cry myself to sleep when you brought me closer to you. I was about to fall asleep when I heard and felt you take a sharp inhale, like you were about to say something you were scared to, and you blurted out, “I love you.” I asked you to repeat yourself. You said, “I love you, that’s why we’re going to be okay. It’s okay.” I said I loved you, too, and fell asleep SO happy. The next day you made me feel like a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to be loved when I told you what you said. Your reaction was uncalled for. You completely ruined the first time I heard those words. I didn’t deserve that. 

I know I’m not perfect. I don’t pretend to be, and I don’t want to be. I’m human. But I am 100% my own person. You didn’t appreciate me and I’m not going to apologize for being honest and unapologetically me. You searched for every single one of my flaws so you could push me away and try to make me feel bad about myself. I searched for every single one of your strengths. That’s the difference between us. You failed to recognize even one of my strengths, and how lucky you were to have someone like me 100% on your side. I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m kind, I’m strong, I’m beautiful inside and out, I’m loyal, I’m loving. But you didn’t care, because you just wanted to focus on my flaws to make yourself feel better when you pushed me away for no reason other than being too afraid to let someone love you.

I was never trying to change you. I liked you no matter what. But once I recognized some of my own pain and hurt, I was just trying to help you. But, it’s not my job to fix people who don’t want my help. It isn’t my responsibility and it isn’t fair to me to sacrifice my own happiness and let myself feel bad about myself and hurt my own feelings just to make you feel better. The second I started to do that, you should have stopped me. You have been so inconsiderate towards my feelings lately and I genuinely don’t understand why, or how a Pisces who claims to be an Empath can be okay with themselves treating someone who’s been nothing but nice that way. I don’t understand how ANYONE who calls themselves a decent person can be okay with that. You have sisters!! I thought you would know better. You should be extremely ashamed of yourself for how you’ve treated me. Your mom seemed to like me – would she be proud of you to know what you did to me? I know my mom would be livid with my brother.

I feel like you’re afraid of your own feelings and don’t know how to take responsibility so you run at the first sign of conflict. Yes, we have differences but you ignored that every time you said something different about us, I offered a solution or a compromise. You said I don’t like sports as much, I told you all the reasons why you were wrong, I do like sports. That’s what adults do! That’s what you do when you care. If me asking for a bit of attention when you’re making me feel insecure by flaunting your relationship with someone else in front of me is too much, that’s on you. That’s a normal request. I thought you’d understand and just make me feel more comfortable if nothing else, that’s not much. Instead, you made me feel worse and like my feelings don’t matter. I didn’t even want to go to a club. I told you a lot about my past relationships – scary things that are extremely hard for me to talk about because I know how it sounds to people, like I’m naive, I’m dumb, I’m damaged goods, and you made those insecurities worse. How could you listen to me talk about being used for my body and sex, cheated on, abused, cheated with, treated like an option, assaulted, talked down to, ignored for weeks, given the silent treatment, hidden, etc, and then do all those exact same things and act like it’s okay? Why? Why would you take me to meet your mom after all that? I thought that was your peace offering, showing me we were on the path to starting fresh. You’re so hot and cold, I can’t handle it. It’s like a really not fun rollercoaster ride where I just feel like screaming and then want to throw up at the end. 

You became an extremely different person in one night, and I’m about 95% sure it was because of the company we were in that night and last day. I didn’t like the vibe I got the second I walked into Pete’s apartment – I knew I was in for an uncomfortable night within seconds. You let Pete have too much power over you and hold you back because you feel guilty or undeserving or something, I don’t know because you won’t talk to me about any of it, and you’re oblivious to the fact that Jackie likes you and was thriving on the fact that I was upset and jealous that she was getting the attention and feeling I flew across the country to hopefully get an ounce of. (By the way – do you really not think it’s a little weird that of all weekends, she just “happens” to come into the city after years of not seeing you the same weekend I’m there? I’m a girl. I know how that works. That’s weird.) Who knows, maybe you do like her because you were touching her an awful lot. It was weird and didn’t seem that she’s “like a sister” to you, and made me feel like you didn’t care how you made me feel doing that after you had just told me you hate PDA and don’t touch people in public, and like I wasn’t attractive enough, or wanted. I felt like you were embarrassed of me. Until that night, I was getting what I hoped I would get while I was there – attention, consideration, a chance. I thought I would continue getting it. And then because I called you out on being inconsiderate and unfair right in front of me, you flipped a switch. You let them dictate your behavior towards me and you didn’t do anything to make me feel better when all I did was like you and want to feel like I was being given a chance and not being forgotten just because you suddenly turned into high school Tony. If she is the one you claim you’re with, you deserve each other. You can stay stuck in your high school personas together, but that’s not my style. I grew up. I thought you did, too, but it’s become extremely clear that you did not. 

You had chances to ask me to leave, I’m an easy going person, I would have been disappointed but I’d have understood. You invited me out there. You told me I could stay with you when I asked. When you realized we wouldn’t be house sitting, you could have told me before I got there so I had time to book somewhere else. But I didn’t feel like I’d only met you once before, so I thought it was romantic you wanted me there. I HATE feeling like I’m in the way, or that I’m imposing on someone, ask any of my real friends and they’ll tell you. That’s why I offered to get an Uber so you didn’t have to pick me up from the airport, even though secretly, I wanted you to come inside to pick me up. That’s why I showed up with a big box of Italian cookies and 4 loaves of banana bread that you never even ate. That’s why I cleaned your kitchen for you while you were with clients. I was trying to show my appreciation in the ways I know best. You made all these plans for things we’d do. And then I got Mr. Hyde for the last 24 hours and nearly every day since then, when I thought I was going there to get Dr. Jekyll. I don’t know who or what hurt you so badly that you have such weird views on love and relationships, and such insane double standards towards women that are borderline misogynistic, but it wasn’t me so I don’t appreciate being punished for trying to love you just because you don’t know how to use your words and be direct and honest. It’s rude to ghost people and cut them off with no explanation, and then to be so abrupt and cold when they ask for one. If you didn’t want to see me again in Boston, don’t say you will. You don’t know how to be upfront and you hurt me because of it. I’m blunt and honest because I can’t stand the thought of hurting anyone, so I keep things as clear as possible 100% of the time. You hurt me and I didn’t deserve it because all I did was be nice to you and fall for you. Yes, I called you out for making me uncomfortable but if you can’t handle that how on Earth can you expect to have a healthy relationship? People fight. Then they adjust. That’s what adults do. I thought you had your shit together and I was super attracted to that, but I am not attracted to grown men who don’t know how to handle even the slightest bit of conflict.

I am an Empath because despite the way you’ve made me feel, I still care about you and I feel bad for you. I recognize so many of my own self-destructive tendencies and see so much of my feelings that I don’t deserve happiness and love and the measures I take to push away things I don’t think I deserve. I think you have weird views on love, I don’t think you’ve had healthy relationships before, you’re afraid of your own feelings and admitting them to yourself and other people, and you let your friends’ opinions weigh way too much on your life. They made it very clear that I was an outsider. I was too smart for you all, I wore a dress, I had a good job, a nice apartment by myself, I’m not from Brockton, etc., etc. Did they make you feel like I was too good for you and you believed them? Until that night, I thought you were more than enough for me. But you didn’t do anything to show me that you even kind of care about me and that’s what made me completely change my mind about you. You don’t let someone who’s even kind of different from you in because you see them as a chance for conflict, not compromise (which you don’t know how to do, apparently). That’s not how it works. And you listened to them when they put in little jabs, when Jackie was excited that we were fighting, when Pete looked at me like I didn’t belong, letting the conversation go towards things I wouldn’t understand because I didn’t go to high school with you when I’d already made it clear that I felt left out — you cared more about what they thought of you for making me cry than you did about making me cry, do you realize how messed up that is? 

I was your guest and you left me to fend for myself the last day, even if you hated me at that point you could have tried to make me feel more comfortable just to be decent. The people at the movie theatre who made up excuses to give me my ticket, drink, and popcorn for free that day, and the bartender at The Cheesecake Factory, and my Lyft driver to the airport who all saw my eyes swollen from crying, how defeated I looked dragging my suitcase around, and how incredibly sad I was, showed me more compassion than you did. Yet I still care for you and hope you confront your issues because I know how it feels to be stuck in that pattern of feeling like you aren’t worthy, and it sucks. I wouldn’t wish the hurt and feelings I’ve experienced on anyone. And I’ve experienced a lot, more than one girl should ever have to. That’s an Empath. Not someone who doesn’t even make sure I got to the airport okay after ditching me for 6 hours in a state where I don’t know anyone. You didn’t even care when I told you I was upset about losing my job. You told me I wasn’t worth your time for a quick phone call, basically. What the fuck? Who does that?

I don’t want to believe you that you’re with someone else. You used so many cheesy cliche lines, they didn’t sound like you especially after the way you talked about love, feelings, and relationships with me. You wouldn’t have answered my Snapchats if you were so concerned for her feelings and being fair. You didn’t de-friend me on Facebook, I deleted you. You didn’t block my number right away. You talked to me when I asked. And, the only people I’d ever feel like I had to cut off for a future partner are the ones I thought I might still have feelings for. I find it awfully convenient that you found someone who completely shifted your views of love in less than a month after I left, during a global pandemic (so much for social distancing and flattening the curve!), so unless you lied to me (like you lied about how much pot you smoke and if you want kids) and it is someone you already knew, probably already at least sleeping with before you had me fly out there, I don’t believe you. But even still, from everything I saw, you don’t think you deserve love. So, I don’t believe you. Not because I’m holding onto the idea of you, but because it’s too convenient and it doesn’t add up. I think you’re just trying to get rid of me and you don’t know how else to do it. You wanted to hurt me even more than you already had. It worked. 

And if you are with someone else, you should never have told me you weren’t ready for a relationship. You should have just been honest if you just weren’t feeling it like you claim. Because when you go from talking like you were to me that weekend to saying the things you said in your text, all it tells me is that you’re trying to say to me, “You’re not good enough.” It’s insulting. It’s inconsiderate. It’s mean to make someone doubt their worth and wonder if they’re deserving of love. Especially after I told you that’s my biggest thing I’ve been working on is feeling lovable and datable. In that moment, you basically were telling me that I’m just good for a fuck and some random girl you met in the past month or that you already knew made you change your mind about not wanting a relationship, but I’m not special or important enough to even warrant having a legitimate conversation with. Like I was only good for realizing you want someone better than me, and I was a way to get things out of your system, and now you could settle down. Lucky for you, I KNOW I’m worthy and deserving of a real love with someone who isn’t confused about their feelings towards me and knows how to use their words and be honest with me, and will love my flaws just as much as my strengths, who will appreciate me and everything I do for them – but it feels like complete and total SHIT to have someone you had feelings for make you doubt that for even a second. It wasn’t fair of you to even try to send that message to me, that I’m not enough for you. I’m more than enough. I guess Pete was right, I am too good for you. You told me you didn’t think it was right for us to talk because “it wasn’t fair to her.” Why? Because we had sex? Because you had/have feelings for me? What about me? It wasn’t fair to me that you ghosted with no explanation. It wasn’t fair to me that you let me fly all the way out to get my heart broken. It wasn’t fair to me that you let your friends treat me like shit. It wasn’t fair that you didn’t even give me a real hug goodbye. You haven’t been fair to me at all lately. I at least deserve your fairness and respect, if you can’t even give me that because you’re in a relationship, you’re in the wrong relationship. 

I guess I was wrong about everything I wrote above. I snooped because I’m a glutton for punishment. Looks like you are dating someone. A 22-year old, figures, she probably lets you get away with your bullshit way more than I did, right? Someone you got in a relationship with less than a week after I left? So, you obviously knew you wanted a relationship when you told me you didn’t. You lied to me, you did know her before. Does she know you were [redacted] another girl less than a week before you became boyfriend/girlfriend? Does she know you told me you love me? Does she know you’re an asshole who can’t use their words to tell someone how they feel, who leaves girls alone and doesn’t make sure they got to the airport okay, who lets girls fly across the country to have their heart broken, who’s too much of a pussy to tell someone how they feel so they don’t get hurt and feel like shit? I bet not. I also guess she doesn’t know that you were still talking to me after you started dating her. That your exact words were, “Let’s give this a break for now and see what’s up next time we’re both in Boston.” To me, that meant, “Let’s start fresh when we’re in the same state and see if we want to pick this up again.” You can’t talk to another girl you were with, but you can offer to buy her a drink (which is all you admit to saying in that text)? Interesting. Sounds like you can’t make up your mind and let other people decide your feelings way too much. You hurt me so much and you don’t even care. You care about someone you obviously knew and had feelings for when you were sleeping with me so honestly, have fun together. Not sure how much you can love someone if you’re knowingly sleeping with someone else. Doesn’t seem like a very fun or healthy relationship to me, but what do I know, I fell for an asshole, (one that prefers younger girls, probably for a reason) yet again. I’d prefer someone who challenges me, not someone who’s young enough for me to have babysat – and you’re two years older than me. I wonder if you told her any of that.

I’m not someone who takes hints. I’m not a mind reader, I can’t fix problems I don’t know exist. I’m assertive. I’m blunt. I confront my issues and my fears to better myself and I hope I can give people the strength to do that for themselves. I gave you several chances to tell me what you needed from me and you didn’t take them. You’re too weak to love me because I called you out on your shit and for being a jerk to me at the club, and I wouldn’t ever let you get away with not living up to your full potential because I see so much of it in you. I will tell you when I think your friends suck and hold you back. I’ll tell you when you upset me. If you didn’t want to keep talking after I left, you shouldn’t have told me we would. You shouldn’t have agreed to “blank slate” or said we would see what happens next time we’re both in Boston. Those were YOUR words, not mine. Your inability to be honest with yourself and other people isn’t my problem. If you don’t like a woman who knows what she wants and deserves, and can’t handle someone who is open with their feelings and what they expect in return, and tells you when you’re being a jerk, that’s fine, but don’t you dare make me feel like I’m crazy. You deflected the blame every time. That’s immature. You’re better than that. What happened to you? Who are you? This isn’t who I met in Boston. This isn’t who I fell for. This isn’t who made me smile every time I got a text back. I have literally never had someone confuse me as much as you do. You are literally a roller coaster with your feelings and behavior towards me. I have no idea what the hell kind of pot you smoke that makes you turn into the fucking Devil but you need to lay off of it.

I think that’s all I had to say. I’m really sorry at how this went because I really did have feelings for you, and would have even been okay with being friends if you hadn’t, you know, been a dick. I liked you just the way you were. I still did after everything that happened but I love and respect myself more, I don’t deserve to be treated like a nuisance or to even be friendly with someone who can’t decide how they feel about me or makes me feel bad for my feelings towards them and for just wanting to touch them and be near them, who confuses me and gives me mixed signals. I really never expected things to go this way. I thought this was it – I wanted it to be. But, there’s someone out there who isn’t scared to love me exactly the way I am, who loves every part of me, would never put me in the situations you put me in, and knows how to take responsibility for their actions. Who makes time for me without me having to beg for it, and doesn’t sleep with me when they know they don’t like me anymore. Who doesn’t make me feel bad for having feelings and emotions. Who says they love me with confidence. 

I really do wish you all the best. I don’t know that really deserve it, but I do. I hope your work is successful, that someday, you do find someone who makes you believe in REAL love, and challenges you. I think you should talk to a therapist to help you get to a point where you can do that. It helped me so much. I’m sorry this is how it’s going to end because I thought you were the coolest person, your type of weird matched mine, I was fascinated by you, but you crushed all my initial impressions of you and have done absolutely nothing to fix them. I had so much fun with you just going to the mall and shopping, I liked that you didn’t make me feel like just a body, at least not at first. But that’s fine. I’m sorry you’re losing me, because I cared so much. I would’ve done anything for you, I did. The first time I saw you, I felt it. I thought it was different. I knew it was. I thought, “This is it. He’s it.” I thought YOU were different from the assholes I’d dated before. But I was wrong. You’re just yet another asshole I have to deal with before meeting someone who would never make me cry myself to sleep. And again, despite all this, I don’t wish you any ill will. I hope you’re happy but that doesn’t mean I have to be happy with how you treated me, because you’ve been awful. You were mean to me and you never apologized. I thought someone with so many sisters would know better, but I guess I was wrong. So, I’m done. I don’t need this. I’ve been through this before and I’m not putting up with boys who can’t handle me because they just want someone who lets them get away with being immature man-child jerks anymore. I’m not letting boys get away with hurting me or any other girl anymore. That’s all. I’m done. I won’t let you have any power or control over my ability to love someone else and give them the immense love and care I was so ready to give to you. 

Maybe we’ll cross paths again someday. Until then, stay safe and stay well. 



P.S. Here’s some information on what ACTUALLY being an Empath is – I have every single one of these traits and showed them to you in some way or another throughout the past few months. I thought you were one, too, but I’m not so sure anymore.
[Links not Included]
(This one is interesting – about how narcissists seek out and use empaths – you should look up the phrase “trauma bond” before you try to judge me for staying with my ex ever again).
I also hope that you can take the time to read this. I wrote it for a class, about the narcissistic, sociopathic, emotionally abusive guy I was with while I was in Florida. I hope you read it and maybe understand why I reacted so strongly to some of the things you said and did, not because I’m crazy but because suddenly the guy I thought was going to be it and would never hurt me was saying and doing the same things that this guy would say and do to me. I get that you don’t get why I’d stay with someone like that, but maybe this will help you see what I went through and how impressive it is that I continue to try and find love after it, and understand how heartbroken I was when you started to remind me of the person who caused my self worth issues that I’ve spent years trying to fix. PSA – the guy I mention at the end is the one who turned out to be cheating on his long-term girlfriend with me, so again, hopefully you see how disappointing this is to me that you just turned out to hurt me just like they did. 
Invisible Scars

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