Welcome back to another week of One Hit Blunders! Today, you get to meet two men – one from Boston, The Cheapskate, and one from Florida, The Funcle. Let’s go.
The last date I went on in Boston before the world shut down was with Charles, I guy that I accidentally matched with when I went back on Hinge for all of about 36 hours way back in February (man, that feels like years ago) and ended up going out with.
Charles is an accountant for something important, I honestly cannot remember, but I do remember that I definitely did not mean to match with him because he didn’t seem like what I was looking for, nor did he really match the physical attributes I usually go for. But, I matched with him nonetheless and I’m too nice to be like, “Whoops sorry meant to swipe left!” so we started talking.
To be totally fair, I wasn’t really interested in ANY of the guys I was matching with because I was already 100% positive that I was already in love with someone else that I’d met just before this, The Rollercoaster. He’s coming up next week, but he lives on the West Coast so to be realistic and not obsess over him too much, I was still exploring other options in Boston just to protect myself. Fair warning before next week’s post, get yourself LOTS of wine. I will absolutely be drinking a very big glass of it while I write next week’s post to get me through it, and I can only imagine how long next week’s post will be — but, I don’t want to give TOO much away. For right now, all you need to know is that I was in love with him and didn’t really want to be going out with The Cheapskate, but my friends convinced me to go out just for kicks and giggles and I figured it couldn’t hurt. Anyway, let’s get back to the story.
So, Charles and I talked for a bit, and he asked for my number. Considering I didn’t even want to match with him, I pulled my classic trick of giving him my Google Voice number, which turned out to be an excellent decision.
He asked me out to lunch, and since he lives and works near Beacon Hill, which isn’t too far from me, I told him to pick a spot he could get to easily after his morning at work wrapped up. He picked a restaurant that turned out to have some very interesting food, but I went with it.
The day we met up, I immediately knew I was in for a future dating blog story. He was wearing a very strange trench coat despite the fact that it wasn’t even really that cold at the time, and he seemed very concerned about not letting it touch the floor even for a second. We sat down at the bar, which was at least a kind of good distraction from the fact that he was shorter than I thought (seriously, guys, AGAIN?) and he ordered a beer and asked me what I wanted, and I said I’d get a hard cider since I don’t drink beer.
Apparently, this was offensive to him and I “should have told him before” that I don’t drink beer, which I just rolled my eyes to because it isn’t a big deal to me. The bartender overheard me say this and offered to give me a sample of a beer he thought I’d like, I thanked him and said that would be great, thanks. He went and got me a little glass for the sample and sets it in front of me, and Charles took it and had the first sip, even though it was for me! It was so weird.
The food was awful but the only thing worse was the conversation. Half of me felt like I was in a job interview while the other half of me felt like I was some B-list celebrity being asked weird questions on the red carpet hoping I’d say something scandalous so that the reporter who asked it could feel special. It was weird, he talked an awful lot about himself, and anything that was asked about me immediately got brought back to him. No, thank you.
Even better, I remember that he only ordered an appetizer – that he had to ask the server 50 questions about before he’d agree to order it – and made some really judge-y comments when I ordered a burger and fries. I know I’m not a Victoria’s Secret model, and guess what, I don’t want to be – I love my body. So to any guy who thinks it’s okay to comment on what a girl orders and eats, and actually DOES comment on what she eats, I say this to you from the very bottom of my heart – I hope you remain single forever. No girl deserves to deal with an insecure jerk like that.
But the real kicker was when the bill came. As you know, I always offer to pay my half but never expect to actually do so. Now, keep in mind what I said before – Charles is an accountant for a big company, and he lives on Beacon Hill (which if you don’t know, is one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Boston) in a place where he can park his luxury car easily. So, he is not hurting in the money department. Meanwhile, I’d been telling him about my woes of being unemployed until I started a new job at the end of the month. He didn’t let me pay, but he did tell me I could cover the tip (which was still a considerable amount), and left me with a, “You can pay the next time.” How about no, because there definitely will not be a next time?
I had told him while we were eating that I wanted to go shopping on Beacon Hill at some point soon, and he offered to walk me since he was heading home, but I fibbed and told him that I couldn’t go that day. Instead, I went back towards my place a couple of blocks until I figured he couldn’t see me, hid in a shop for a bit, and then came back out and went shopping.
Later that day, he messaged me about getting together and I pulled my go-to line, trying to be nice but firm. His response was literally just, “Oh come on, I know you’re into me.” I was none too pleased at his attitude so I pretty much just said, “Actually, I’m not. I didn’t enjoy our date at all. Bye.” He tried to respond to that, but I didn’t answer. I blocked him. Just another story for the book… well, blog.
When coronavirus started to get bad, my mom told me she did not want me to be up here in Boston by myself, so she told me to come home to Florida, which I gladly did.
After awhile, my family all made the collective decision that I needed to go on Bumble or something while I was there, if nothing else, to make new friends and just get me out of the house since for most of the five months I was there the two people I hung out with the most were my mom and my three year old niece. So, I went back on Bumble.
My sister in law had a grand time living vicariously through me, since dating apps didn’t really become a thing until after she met my brother, so she did some swiping for me which led to my parents – mostly my dad – feeling left out. My dad wanted to know how Bumble worked and I said we could mirror my phone to the TV in the living room and he could help me. We were kind of joking, but actually, that’s exactly what we did.
A few nights of quarantine, my parents and I gathered in the living room and I’d set my phone up to display on the TV, and remind them of my rules:
- No more than one fish photo.
- No more than one mirror selfie.
- I don’t play Guess Who – if all of the photos are group shots, it’s a no.
- No kids (too complicated).
- Proper use of their/they’re/there and your/you’re.
- Actually has at least something interesting in their bio, and/or at least a question or two answered.
Really, these are not too crazy of guidelines – yet it was very difficult to find decent matches.
But, I did match with Eddie, who we all liked because he called himself a “funcle” and had some cute pictures with his nieces and nephews. As someone who is also obsessed with their nieces, I figured we’d get along.
We talked a bit, and then he asked me out and I figured I was being smart about being around people, and I was okay with doing a semi-socially distanced date so long as we were outdoors. We met at a tiki bar, and he got there a few minutes before me which allowed him time to order a drink without me – I don’t know, is that weird that it kind of bothered me?
He seemed nice enough, but guess what, I had ANOTHER height liar! Maybe I’m just really bad at estimating people’s heights, but he definitely seemed shorter than he said, or he had really bad posture. He also did not look a ton like his photo in general, but I let it slide and decided to try to have fun regardless.
I did not have fun. Again, the conversation was lagging, with way too many awkward silences for me to count and a lot of me just staring at my drink hoping that it would magically give me inspiration on literally ANYTHING to talk about that would result in a conversation longer than two minutes long. It failed. I had also told him beforehand not to take it personally if I didn’t hug or anything, I was trying to be safe with corona, and to please respect that but he still hugged me like three times over the course of the night, and it was that awkward thing where I kind of just stood there with my arms at that weird “caught by surprise” angle not knowing what to do. Overall, it was just not a good night and I finally told him I had to be home soon (my brother did give me a curfew, after all) and left.
And I never heard from him again. Another little thing I like is when a guy at least makes sure that I get home safely after a date, but he didn’t even do that. I just never heard from him, which was fine with me. I unmatched with Eddie, and called it another loss but also a gain because at least I got a free drink out of it. Honestly though, I hope that he’s more fun with his nieces and nephews than he was with me.
And that brings us to the end of another One Hit Blunders! Don’t forget the wine for next week – see you soon!