Chapter 19: The Snapper

We all know what a catfish is, but I’ve had more experience with what I like to call “snappers,” just like Blake. To be fair to his legacy, I initially started calling him “The Superhero” because he was telling me a story about how when he was abroad, he fell down a flight of stairs and somehow didn’t break a single bone and it reminded me of that movie “Unbreakable” with Bruce Willis, but now, his name has been changed. Anyway – on to the story. 

I matched with Blake on Bumble in the fall of 2019, and even though he’s a bit younger than what I usually go for, I decided to give him a try. We started talking and immediately hit it off. He was very cute, funny and sarcastic, and seemed like a decent guy. He lived a bit outside of Boston, but not too far that it would be a problem. 

So we started talking, friendly at first before quickly moving into flirtier territory. From our conversations, we seemed very compatible in just about every respect, if you catch my drift, and I was excited to hopefully meet him soon. 

But that was the thing, he was weird about meeting up. He’d keep saying he wanted to come into the city to see me, and take me on a really memorable first date, but he’d never follow through. Our conversations (some via text, but mostly via Snapchat) would be super engaging and long and exciting, but then he’d never actually do anything about scheduling a date. Yes, I know this was a red flag, but I was into the attention and didn’t expect to marry him, so I let it slide and kept the flirting going. 

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He would also tell me that he wanted to take me to a cabin in the mountains somewhere and teach me how to ski (I do know how to ski, but I’m awful), but then he’d go into graphic detail about the other things he wanted to do there. Half of me was like, “This sounds like the beginning of a murder movie,” but the other half of me was like, “Well he seems very, um, creative, I’m into it, alright let’s go.” 

I did like him for more than that, though, and thought it was pretty funny when we were texting on Thanksgiving and realized that we were both making the exact same side dish and even used the same online recipe for it. So there was definitely a part of me that felt like maybe, if we ever met, there could kind of be something a bit more serious there.  

But eventually, I got tired of the waiting. I do know I deserve better, and it was frustrating waiting for someone to commit to one time hanging out. Especially because most of our conversations were on Snapchat, he seemed to forget that he had Snapmap on and, as many of you probably know, I’m a bit of a  creeper so I DEFINITELY used that to my advantage a few times. There, I could see that he had actually come into the city a few times but he had never told me or tried to make plans to see me while he was there. Finally, I texted him one night before falling asleep and basically said, “So are we going to (beep) or no?” Actually, that’s not what I basically said, that’s exactly what I said. No response. 

I was venting about this to a guy friend of mine (who will be introduced in a later chapter) and he decided to take matters into his own hands, and convinced me to give him Blake’s number, which I did. I thought he’d just do something silly, but instead he said something like, “I’m trying to get with this girl Madeline but I want to know if she’s good in bed, she said you’d know.” I still have no idea why that was his tactic, and what he was hoping to accomplish with that, but that’s what he went with. 

I didn’t know that’s what my friend had messaged him until later, and once I saw, I can’t say I was surprised when I went onto Snapchat the next morning and saw that Blake had removed me as a friend. I was upset, more that he couldn’t just use his words, but tried not to let it get to me, and decided to speak up for myself since I usually wouldn’t, so I ended up texting him one last time saying, “Funny, it’s around Christmas, not Halloween, yet I’m still having to deal with a ghost. You could have just told me if you weren’t interested in me instead of leading me on for months, and it’s really immature to just ghost someone. Happy Holidays.” Or something like that.

Of course, I didn’t hear back from him (not that I was expecting to), but it did feel good to say something about how rude it is to just ghost people. I’ll be 100% honest and say I did cry about it a bit, not because I was heartbroken or anything, just because I was frustrated that I had to deal with an immature guy AGAIN. As I’m sure many girls can understand, it’s pretty annoying to get your hopes up and feel like you click with someone, but then have them just disappear with no real explanation (other than, you know, your friend saying weird shit to them out of nowhere).

So you might be wondering why I call him “The Snapper.” Well, a catfish is someone that basically uses someone else’s identity, and doesn’t really exist, but I knew Blake existed. Remember I said I used Snapmap to my advantage? Yeah, well I went full on stalker mode once when I was particularly pissed at playing the waiting game and looked up the address it seemed he was at the most to make sure it was registered to him (well, his parents, actually, because he still lives at home…) and that he actually existed. I also saw his face (and more – sorry, mom) on Snapchat quite a few times, so between personal photos and his story, I knew he looked like what he told me he did, and that he was in fact an actual person. I found his Facebook and Instagram, too, so again, I knew he was who he said he was. (This would probably be a good time for me to just put out a quick PSA to anyone who is my friend, or wants to be my friend/boyfriend in the future that you literally cannot hide ANYTHING from me because I’m basically an unpaid PI and I WILL find shit out no matter how hard you try to hide it. Everyone has their weird skills, Internet creeping is mine). 

Anywho, so I think Blake is a Snapper because, thanks to Snapchat (get it?), I know he is an actual person and who I thought he was, and he was really into using Snapchat as our primary source of conversation despite the fact that I’m pretty sure that’s a Gen Z thing now. But also, I call him a Snapper because it’s easy to get a guy who just wants to talk the talk and tell you all the things he’s going to do, but it’s hard to get a guy to actually do it. Kind of like how it’s easy to catch a snapper, but it’s hard to catch one that’s actually worth it (I confirmed this with my brother who knows much more about fish than I do, and no, that wasn’t even the weirdest question I’ve ever asked him).

So, Blake was yet another fail. Thank you, next, right? I went to a spa/yoga resort in Austin for New Year’s, got over him, and came back ready for more dating adventures. And boy, did I get them. 

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